Looking some insight about my marriage

13»

Replies

  • dc8066
    dc8066 Posts: 1,439 Member
    Every extra minute you are staying in that mess, you are getting deeper in debt and it will take longer to recover. Put a stop/cut off his funding asap, get couple counseling and a divorce lawyer. Your situation is only going to be much worse if you do nothing
  • spingirl605
    spingirl605 Posts: 181 Member
    Although my story is quite different than yours, the "point" of it, is exactly the same. I married my husband because i liked spending time with him. We had nothing in common. I was getting up in age, and if I wanted the family I've always wanted, I had to start now. So I married him, and figured it would all work itself out. After having 2 children and getting ZERO help from him, and I mean ZERO! And absolutely no support for my active life/work. It wears on you. Like you, I became out of love (although again like you, I was never really in love) and the thought of intimacy repulsed me. We were married 10 years, together for 13 and I stayed as long as I did for fear "he couldn't survive without me". It wears on you...I woke up one day (I think a lot of this had to do with people my age/younger than me dying all around me) and just said, I have been miserable for 10 years, I don't want to be miserable any more. I deserve to be happy in my life...

    On that day, I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore...Best decision ever! I'm so much happier. He's been forced to learn how to be a father (to some degree) and is turning into a better person. We're still good friends, but that's all we'll ever be.

    The hardest part is finally deciding to make that decision. Once that's over, the rest is gravy. You will feel an enormous weight lifted from your shoulders when you finally do...

    Good luck to you...
    you deserve to be happy!
  • bossyblackdog
    bossyblackdog Posts: 36 Member
    spingirl605 wrote: »
    Although my story is quite different than yours, the "point" of it, is exactly the same. I married my husband because i liked spending time with him. We had nothing in common. I was getting up in age, and if I wanted the family I've always wanted, I had to start now. So I married him, and figured it would all work itself out. After having 2 children and getting ZERO help from him, and I mean ZERO! And absolutely no support for my active life/work. It wears on you. Like you, I became out of love (although again like you, I was never really in love) and the thought of intimacy repulsed me. We were married 10 years, together for 13 and I stayed as long as I did for fear "he couldn't survive without me". It wears on you...I woke up one day (I think a lot of this had to do with people my age/younger than me dying all around me) and just said, I have been miserable for 10 years, I don't want to be miserable any more. I deserve to be happy in my life...

    On that day, I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore...Best decision ever! I'm so much happier. He's been forced to learn how to be a father (to some degree) and is turning into a better person. We're still good friends, but that's all we'll ever be.

    The hardest part is finally deciding to make that decision. Once that's over, the rest is gravy. You will feel an enormous weight lifted from your shoulders when you finally do...

    Good luck to you...
    you deserve to be happy!

    Thank you. This does sound very similar. I think I have made the decision. Right now my biggest hurtle is telling him and dealing with the guilt (counseling will help me with that I am sure of it). I am not afraid of a life alone. I have friends and family all around me that I love, and nieces and nephews to spoil. If I find love that would be fantastic. If I don't, I have everything I need to be happy.
  • danigirl1011
    danigirl1011 Posts: 314 Member
    I'm sorry, but with 3 degrees he shouldnt get spousal support! He was able to work and chose not to. He can get a job and support himself and does not need spousal support and should not be willing to take that from you. If you are unhappy you should try to get out. I am not a fan of divorce but it sounds like you have given this a lot of time and a lot of thought and it sounds like it could be the best thing for you.
  • midlomel1971
    midlomel1971 Posts: 1,283 Member
    bossyblackdog wrote: »
    spingirl605 wrote: »
    Although my story is quite different than yours, the "point" of it, is exactly the same. I married my husband because i liked spending time with him. We had nothing in common. I was getting up in age, and if I wanted the family I've always wanted, I had to start now. So I married him, and figured it would all work itself out. After having 2 children and getting ZERO help from him, and I mean ZERO! And absolutely no support for my active life/work. It wears on you. Like you, I became out of love (although again like you, I was never really in love) and the thought of intimacy repulsed me. We were married 10 years, together for 13 and I stayed as long as I did for fear "he couldn't survive without me". It wears on you...I woke up one day (I think a lot of this had to do with people my age/younger than me dying all around me) and just said, I have been miserable for 10 years, I don't want to be miserable any more. I deserve to be happy in my life...

    On that day, I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore...Best decision ever! I'm so much happier. He's been forced to learn how to be a father (to some degree) and is turning into a better person. We're still good friends, but that's all we'll ever be.

    The hardest part is finally deciding to make that decision. Once that's over, the rest is gravy. You will feel an enormous weight lifted from your shoulders when you finally do...

    Good luck to you...
    you deserve to be happy!

    Thank you. This does sound very similar. I think I have made the decision. Right now my biggest hurtle is telling him and dealing with the guilt (counseling will help me with that I am sure of it). I am not afraid of a life alone. I have friends and family all around me that I love, and nieces and nephews to spoil. If I find love that would be fantastic. If I don't, I have everything I need to be happy.

    You are going to meet a lot of resistance from him and from friends and family, it sounds like. Don't listen to anyone else but your inner voice. And be grateful that kids aren't in the picture yet. That complicates things 1000%. Love and happiness are waiting out there for you.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    bossyblackdog wrote: »
    ...I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and taken advantage of. I have finally come to accept that any love I did have for him is gone. Our sex life is non-existent and the thought of it repulses me. The problem is I feel so guilty leaving him because I know he relies on my 100% for financial support. I know he loves our home, but he can't afford it without me, even with spousal support, and I feel guilty taking it away from him.

    It's over. Get out. Now. You're not his mother and he's not 12. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
  • WayTooHonest
    WayTooHonest Posts: 144 Member
    So. No job, but he has expensive hobbies. You work, and he complains about losing time with you. And he has a temper? Sounds like he landed himself quite the sugar mama. *kitten* that. I say you lose 200 pounds of useless fat with the quickness. Take away his credit cards, cancel them or get new ones so he no longer has the numbers. You wanna play? You have to earn it. My 9 year old knows that. Cut & run while you can. Best wishes on your new life.
  • SkimpyMrsCarter
    SkimpyMrsCarter Posts: 105 Member
    bossyblackdog wrote: »
    I'm sorting through some feelings about my marriage. I wouldn't mind hearing about other people's experiences if they can help.

    I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 5. We don't have any kids. He is my best friend's brother, a woman who I have been best friends with since kindergarten. When my husband and I first started seeing each other, I was having a great time with him. The problem is that I have never been 100% sure I loved him. I eventually got to the point where I knew I enjoyed spending time with him, and I wanted what was best for him, and I was afraid of losing my friend if I didn't give the relationship every possible chance, so I tried to convince myself that I loved him, it was many years of "this is what love feels like, this is normal".

    I have a really good job, and two years into our relationship he was miserable in his job and wanted to back to school for a second degree, so I agreed to his quitting work and going back to school full time. This was in 2010. Since then he has worked a little bit here and there but not much, and has done a third degree. He is working on developing a business, but I am unsure how hard he is working at it. Since 2010 he has not paid a bill, bought a single order of groceries, paid his cell bill, anything. He is extremely into marathons, and kayaking, and the majority of his focus is there. He has a $70000 student loan which he is not paying down ($60000 from before we were together), and he isn't saving anything for retirement (he is 40!).

    I am currently in an extremely demanding training program, which takes about 60 hours a week. He HATES it, and says he wants his wife back. He complains that he feels it is more important then him, all the while I feel like his adventurous lifestyle has been his primary focus for years. He has been taking several trips a year to go to marathons and is racking up debt in a manner that I can't keep up with. I feel like I am working my *kitten* off so he can play! I extremely value financial security which is why I work so hard, he values having fun.

    To top it off, I have always felt that I was the one holding everything together to keep our life together, and because of his short temper I would walk on eggshells and smooth everything over so he didn't have to deal with it. Last year we had a rental building (luckily sold now), that I had to manage and keep running while working 60 hours a week because he hated it and didn't want to deal with it. I remember one particular embarrassing weekend when the went away to kayak and I had to get my bother in law and father to come help me finish some renos so tenants could move in the next week.

    I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and taken advantage of. I have finally come to accept that any love I did have for him is gone. Our sex life is non-existent and the thought of it repulses me. The problem is I feel so guilty leaving him because I know he relies on my 100% for financial support. I know he loves our home, but he can't afford it without me, even with spousal support, and I feel guilty taking it away from him.

  • SkimpyMrsCarter
    SkimpyMrsCarter Posts: 105 Member
    He needs to get a job and contribute or leave period. If he valued you as his wife he would not just sit back and watch you work so hard. He is taking advantage of you and he is not putting any efforts into the marriage. Sit down talk with him and if he doesent get his act together then leave him. He is sorry, and you deserve better.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    bossyblackdog wrote: »
    There is another factor that I didn't mention that I think is the nail in the coffin. I don't know 100% if I want kids, but I can not picture a life raising kids with him. I would be the only parent. If I stayed, I would not have kids. Even though I don't know if I want them, I would never forgive myself if I made that decision based on the wrong reasons.

    this is huge

    the more you post, the more it seems like you're looking to bail.
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,968 Member
    Here's something I read in the paper this morning:

    "In September 2008, **** ********, 31, of Seattle, was free-climbing alone without ropes and was discovered when his wife called to report he hadn’t returned from his climbing trip. "
  • JeepHair77
    JeepHair77 Posts: 1,291 Member
    Look, it's true that there's two sides to every story, but really, I'm not sure it makes much difference, here, what his side of this story is. You see him the way you see him. You have a lot of resentment toward him. Whether or not that resentment is completely misplaced, you're unhappy (and in the long run, he'll be unhappy, too. It's hard to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you).

    So your options are:

    1) Try to fix it. Go to counseling. Talk about it. Work on it. Read The Five Love Languages and Fighting For Your Marriage and Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay and whatever else has gotten some press in the last 8 years. Go on date night and see if you can rekindle whatever you lost. Maybe he can get his S together. Get really honest and shoot, maybe you're not meeting his expectations, and maybe the two of you can really examine it and make it better.

    2) End it. You have no kids, and I don't know what state you're in, but I think it's highly unlikely that you'd be required to pay any sort of spousal support. Your divorce might be painless. Hire an attorney, go to mediation, figure out who gets what, sign, and be on your merry way. Maybe you'll lose your BFF and maybe you won't, but if you stay together another 5 years and THEN get divorced, it'll be uglier, I promise, and then you WILL lose your her.

    We can't tell you which option to pick.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and taken advantage of. I have finally come to accept that any love I did have for him is gone. Our sex life is non-existent and the thought of it repulses me. The problem is I feel so guilty leaving him because I know he relies on my 100% for financial support. I know he loves our home, but he can't afford it without me, even with spousal support, and I feel guilty taking it away from him.

    You can go to counseling and try to work things out but it sounds like that should have happened 7-9 years ago.
    If you do stay he needs to get a regular job and pay down that debt. Do not give him your hard earned money to play around.

    If your feelings are that dead for him then get out of the marriage.
    He is not a child or a pet you need to take care of for life. Taking care of him does not help him. He has to deal with consequences of his life choices.
  • FireTurtle75
    FireTurtle75 Posts: 2,014 Member
    bossyblackdog wrote: »
    I hire someone to clean.

    To me, that's just *kitten* up right there. Why should you waste money on hiring cleaning help when he has nothing else to do?
  • FireTurtle75
    FireTurtle75 Posts: 2,014 Member
    Regardless of what happens, you need to discuss all of this with him regardless of whether you keep him or lose him. You might want to have some moral or even possibly legal support there with you when you do.
  • gowthamronraj
    gowthamronraj Posts: 5 Member
    Too much *kitten* up
  • Rob_in_MI
    Rob_in_MI Posts: 393 Member
    Marriage is a delicate balancing act that requires constant adjustment and consideration/respect of your spouse. After 3 friggin degrees he should probably step up and start providing his half. That said, you guys need to have a pretty long talk.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories