Marriage Issue...Thoughts??

24

Replies

  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    I agree, big red flag. Something is wrong here. First of all he moved the goalposts, now he won't work with you for a reasonable common good. He just wants HIS way. I'd think twice about marrying this person.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    My thoughts on this: You said you were renting this house.

    In your telling, the bf used the word "move" 6 months ago and you thought it meant "move" but now he's saying it meant "buy".

    I understand that in some ways you don't want to admit that bf is not much of a negotiating partner, but he's not much of a negotiating partner if he moves the goal posts, which is what he did.

    All you have invested in this relationship is time and the scars of lost time investments in relationships past. What's a little more scarring to you?

    If your income is a key component of his support, you are being screwed in multiple ways.

    My only real question is, "How much self-respect do you have?"
  • kazmara
    kazmara Posts: 1 Member
    In my opinion, a marriage and a house are two separate things and wrapping them up together can be very confusing. It sounds to me like he has a priority list that places establishing his forever home chronologically before the distraction and monetary drain of a wedding. It sounds like you may have different priorities or at least a differing idea of what should occur when.

    There are a lot of very common "large hurdles" in any marriage and being on the "same page" with money (goals, spending habits, debt comfort level, etc.) is one of them, in my opinion. It can sometimes take years to develop a system that works comfortably for both of parties. Buying a home is a huge commitment and financial decision.

    It's easy to discuss things in a relationship and believe that you are both on the same page right up until you are ready to face something and realize that you both heard or meant something different than your partner. I believe this is very normal. This is where the value of marital counseling is evident. It can bring to light issues just like this one and create discussions, discuss compromises or uncover "brick walls" before there is an actual problem.

    Your feelings are just that - your feelings. They are not wrong or right, they are just your feelings and you are entitled to have them - so is he. Communication is the key and it sounds as if counseling might help.
  • JeepHair77
    JeepHair77 Posts: 1,291 Member
    KelGen02 wrote: »
    Sounds like he is dragging his feet to me, a simple discussion about your future shouldn't be tied to buying a house. Yes, it is nice to lay it out on the table of the wants and visions but simply saying he doesn't want to discuss it until you have a house is a HUGE RED FLAG TO ME... and for the records, I am in the financial industry and while you may not be able to go on the mortgage obligation because of your credit issues, you most certainly can be listed as an owner on the title/deed of the home. You don't sign the mortgage papers, but you sign the deed, which makes you the recorded owner of the property and have full rights to the property. If I was you, I would RUN... sounds like you and your kids have already been through enough to continue with this little game.

    This makes no sense to me (and I'm a real estate lawyer). It's not like just anyone can sign a deed and be a partial owner - the owner would have to grant an interest in the property, and no mortgage company allows that.

    Regarding the rest of it - you said you've been married before. Has he? Because it sounds to me like his cold feet are coming from a prior bad experience. You're trying to avoid making the same mistakes you made before, and maybe he is, too. Second marriages are terrifying.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    What I would say is with someone putting conditions and then changing conditions that they probably don't really want to get married deep down. People who want to get married get married without waiting for everything in the universe to line up just right. They might just do a courthouse wedding with a couple of witnesses but they do it.
    It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't a good person if he balks at marriage. You just aren't likely to get married with him now or maybe ever.
    I would stick firm to not buying property together if you are unmarried or consult a lawyer about that subject.
    If he wants to wait and you are fine with waiting a year or more then maybe that is best. Let him know with a specific date how long you will give him to accomplish his goal of buying a house on his own before marrying. An expiration date for the engagement.
    If you don't really want to wait for a house for marriage then tell him and decide if you will stay with him if he says no.

  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    peppermintpudgy wrote: »
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    peppermintpudgy wrote: »
    Follow your instincts. Sounds like it might not be a good idea to commit further to this charmer.

    He's a great man. He's accepted my children as his own. He's been there for us through thick and thin for the last 4 years. I mean it just seems so ridiculous to me that we'd break up because we can't decide on the timing of marriage.

    You live together and are in a committed relationship. He doesn't want to commit further (marriage) until you commit further (buying a house); you don't want to commit further (buying a house) until he commits further (marriage). So, maybe you should slow down a little bit. It's been working great for four years, right? I didn't suggest breaking up. Maybe both plans should be put on the back burner.

    This is where I am at. I don't have my heart set on getting married at any specific time. I know who I am and I will not be taken advantage of again. I'm going to tell him that at this point neither of these things are on the table anymore. Maybe we'll revisit the topic again in a year or so. Perhaps at that point we'll both have a better perspective or not.

  • willnorton
    willnorton Posts: 995 Member
    PLEASE DONT DO IT
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    Run Away !



    ( which is probably the best advice for 90% of any questions posted on mfp)
  • 1RedRoom
    1RedRoom Posts: 619 Member
    I'm dumping this app in a second and I have always wanted to say this but never did so now I am MOTOR SHEEN is hands down the most funniest MF I have ever read on here !! Thanks for all the giggles .... carbkiller
  • Sivadee00
    Sivadee00 Posts: 428 Member
    edited June 2017
    I have never ever heard of a fiance using his future marriage as leverage to buy a house.

    That sounds devious.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    edited June 2017
    MrStabbems wrote: »
    remind me to never post questions to marital problems on here...you guys would recommend divorce, chemical castration and selling of property and offspring. Plus, get a good lawyer.

    Hope you resolve your problems ksch lady

    I posted this here because I was looking for unbiased opinions and knew I'd get a bunch a of different view points on the subject.

    Thanks for all the feedback!
  • KimbersNewLife
    KimbersNewLife Posts: 646 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    Sounds like you may have different reasons for wanting the get married. Why do you want to marry him? Why does he want to marry you (according to him)?

    When my husband and I got married 17 years ago with hardly anything to our names, it was because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and we've built a very good life from the ground up. Previous marriages and being older obviously bring more considerations to the table, but I'm having a hard time seeing how buying a house is intrinsically tied to getting married (or not). Doesn't sit well with me.

    I totally agree this is the best answer so far.

  • Katiebear_81
    Katiebear_81 Posts: 719 Member
    The only way that I would agree to that is if I had an iron-clad lease agreement, with a very reasonable rental rate. I would want to be sure that he couldn't boot me and my children out on the street at his whim. I assume that you are paying part of the rent now, paying part of the mortgage would be different. Once you get married, can't he add you to the title/deed? I don't know how real estate law works where you live. Maybe I'm missing something, though.
  • Sunna_W
    Sunna_W Posts: 744 Member
    There are many myths about credit and marriage.

    Ref: https://www.credit.com/credit-reports/what-happens-to-your-credit-when-you-get-married/

    Maybe he thinks that your credit become his credit and is uncomfortable talking to you about money.

    There are also more reasons to not get married than there are to get married, especially if you have custody of your kids. Are you filing your taxes as single head of household? (You should be, on alternating years, if you receive child support. Your ex claims on even and you on odd years.)

    I lived with my spouse for 10 years before I married him because after my 1st marriage I got dry heaves thinking about doing it again.

    What I found was that keeping my money separate taught me to be responsible for my own finances. I had no idea how much my 1st husband made / brought home during our marriage and had always been afraid that I couldn't afford to move out. I was astonished to find out later after I moved out that he was living on my income and "investing" his. I was astonished to find out that used clothing was just as good as new and that if I paid more taxes (forced savings / tax free loan to Uncle Sam) I could use the small amount I got back to go toward renting a cottage for a week - instant vacation... (I had to buy food and gas anyway so I saw this as a wash.)

    With my "paramour" I paid a portion of the utilities and a portion of the food *and* I deducted any work I did inside the house that he benefited from as equity toward the costs of rent, food, utilities, etc. This incentivized him to step up and do his share of chores to reduce his costs!

    I would also highly encourage you to check out some free on-line classes to learn about credit repair and the do's and don't's to ensure that you don't end up in that place again. Once you get smarter about your finances and become more confident, you might be amazed that his attitude changes. You should do this anyway, regardless of how he responds to it, because women statistically live longer and usually in poverty because we amass less money in our lifetimes than men do.

    Ref: http://www.suzeorman.com/resource-center/managing-debt/
  • MrsEccentric69
    MrsEccentric69 Posts: 4 Member
    I agree with cleaning up your credit. That will benefit either both or just you in the long run. As far as buying a house before marriage, that is too common and most of the time delays marriage, if it ever happens. I've seen it time and time again. I wouldn't recommend that to any woman. Your first intuition is always the right one. Don't be confused by others opinions. That's what's wrong with this backwards & twisted world that we live in now. What appears to be normal in this generation, is really not normal or morally acceptable.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    138shades wrote: »
    you have way too many emotional issues....I would run if I was him.

    :D And you gather this off of one post???
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    If this is such a big deal to you then why are you posting on a fitness forum instead of talking with him about it?
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    If this is such a big deal to you then why are you posting on a fitness forum instead of talking with him about it?

    I did speak with him which is how I know we have a difference of opinion as stated in my original post. As I explained to another poster, the reason I posted it here, was to get unbiased feedback-multiple points of view, just as others have.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    Carillon_Campanello wrote: »
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    My fiance and I got engaged 6 months ago. At that time, we both agreed that we would wait to get married until we moved.

    We recently moved into a new house (rental) a little over a month ago. Last week I asked him if he he'd like to talk about wedding dates. I told him i was not in a rush to get married we could even plan for a year or so from now, but just wanted his thoughts. He said that he doesn't want to get married until we buy a house. That's not what he said 6 months ago although he maintains that it is.

    I told him that I was not comfortable buying a house together if we are not married. I was married for 15 years, had 3 kids, and was left with nothing after the divorce because I stupidly let my ex-husband put everything in his name only. Due to my divorce, my credit is not good enough to be on the loan and will stay that way for quite some time. I just don't want to put my money into something again that I have no rights to.

    Now my fiance is pissed and thinks that I am trying to back him into a corner with the whole marriage thing, but I am really not. I'm just trying to be smarter about things this time around.

    He says he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. Sometimes I feel like a house is the only thing that is important to him. I feel that he should not have ever asked me if he was going to put stipulations on it. He says he just wants a forever home first.

    Now I don't want to discuss a wedding or a house any time soon. What's the compromise? Am I being unrealistic?

    Thoughts?

    Marriage is a losing proposition for men. You ARE in fact (not opinion) backing him into a corner if you realize it or not.

    IF he agrees that marriage is a losing proposition, he needs to man up and tell her he has no intention of marrying her, instead of stringing her along with a moving goalpost. That way she can make an informed choice whether to stay in the relationship without marriage on the table or move on.
  • YearOfTheDragonLeo
    YearOfTheDragonLeo Posts: 215 Member
    Sounds like he's pushing off marriage with excuses. But since you've gone down that road before - he might be doing you a favor. I'm in community property state so whether I'm on the loan or not - if I'm married - it's half mine. I just wouldn't be building my credit, which wouldn't sit well with me if I'm contributing to the loan pay off. He can always add you to the title of the property to show he's serious about this being YOUR house too, unless it's the rebuilding of credit you really want.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    Speaking for myself, I would not marry a person who felt backed into a corner about marrying me, no matter what the circumstances.
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  • MrStabbems
    MrStabbems Posts: 3,110 Member
    edited June 2017
    Carillon_Campanello wrote: »
    MrStabbems wrote: »
    Carillon_Campanello wrote: »
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    My fiance and I got engaged 6 months ago. At that time, we both agreed that we would wait to get married until we moved.

    We recently moved into a new house (rental) a little over a month ago. Last week I asked him if he he'd like to talk about wedding dates. I told him i was not in a rush to get married we could even plan for a year or so from now, but just wanted his thoughts. He said that he doesn't want to get married until we buy a house. That's not what he said 6 months ago although he maintains that it is.

    I told him that I was not comfortable buying a house together if we are not married. I was married for 15 years, had 3 kids, and was left with nothing after the divorce because I stupidly let my ex-husband put everything in his name only. Due to my divorce, my credit is not good enough to be on the loan and will stay that way for quite some time. I just don't want to put my money into something again that I have no rights to.

    Now my fiance is pissed and thinks that I am trying to back him into a corner with the whole marriage thing, but I am really not. I'm just trying to be smarter about things this time around.

    He says he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. Sometimes I feel like a house is the only thing that is important to him. I feel that he should not have ever asked me if he was going to put stipulations on it. He says he just wants a forever home first.

    Now I don't want to discuss a wedding or a house any time soon. What's the compromise? Am I being unrealistic?

    Thoughts?

    Marriage is a losing proposition for men. You ARE in fact (not opinion) backing him into a corner if you realize it or not.

    I always considered mine an equal partnership. We're a family and we do the best for our family. if you're considering the prospect of winning or losing in a marriage (even relationships) then I don't think it's the concept that's wrong...it's you.

    That's fine and well as long as your PARTNER considers it a partnership too. But let me assure you...no part of the law or societal standards as they relate to marriages are equitable towards men. It's ok to take the red pill. I promise.

    Well I am assured! thank you kind sir. you used lots of big words and seem to have a good grasp on English law.

    P.s. No one forced me to marry her, I chose to do so. I didn't pick a *kitten* that's going to try hamstring me because I'm not a moron.
  • Carillon_Campanello
    Carillon_Campanello Posts: 726 Member
    edited June 2017
    MrStabbems wrote: »
    Carillon_Campanello wrote: »
    MrStabbems wrote: »
    Carillon_Campanello wrote: »
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    My fiance and I got engaged 6 months ago. At that time, we both agreed that we would wait to get married until we moved.

    We recently moved into a new house (rental) a little over a month ago. Last week I asked him if he he'd like to talk about wedding dates. I told him i was not in a rush to get married we could even plan for a year or so from now, but just wanted his thoughts. He said that he doesn't want to get married until we buy a house. That's not what he said 6 months ago although he maintains that it is.

    I told him that I was not comfortable buying a house together if we are not married. I was married for 15 years, had 3 kids, and was left with nothing after the divorce because I stupidly let my ex-husband put everything in his name only. Due to my divorce, my credit is not good enough to be on the loan and will stay that way for quite some time. I just don't want to put my money into something again that I have no rights to.

    Now my fiance is pissed and thinks that I am trying to back him into a corner with the whole marriage thing, but I am really not. I'm just trying to be smarter about things this time around.

    He says he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. Sometimes I feel like a house is the only thing that is important to him. I feel that he should not have ever asked me if he was going to put stipulations on it. He says he just wants a forever home first.

    Now I don't want to discuss a wedding or a house any time soon. What's the compromise? Am I being unrealistic?

    Thoughts?

    Marriage is a losing proposition for men. You ARE in fact (not opinion) backing him into a corner if you realize it or not.

    I always considered mine an equal partnership. We're a family and we do the best for our family. if you're considering the prospect of winning or losing in a marriage (even relationships) then I don't think it's the concept that's wrong...it's you.

    That's fine and well as long as your PARTNER considers it a partnership too. But let me assure you...no part of the law or societal standards as they relate to marriages are equitable towards men. It's ok to take the red pill. I promise.

    Well I am assured! thank you kind sir. you used lots of big words and seem to have a good crasp on English law.

    P.s. No one forced me to marry her, I chose to do so. I didn't pick a *kitten* that's going to try hamstring me because I'm not a moron.

    Well I guess you won the prize (or she did....WAIT this is an equitable marriage). Congratulations big feller.

    [Anxiously awaiting the blockbuster summer movie starring Owen Wilson and Emily Blunt featuring zany antics and heartwarming shenanigans based on your picture book marriage].
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