Gym stalkers?
buffalogal42
Posts: 374 Member
Lol, ok that is too strong a term. But I have an older lady at the gym who seems to have latched on to me. I have seen her there over the past couple years but a couple months ago she introduced herself to me when the gym was quiet and said she had been "too scared to talk to me." I am very friendly at the gym so I chatted a bit and started making sure I said "hi" or "have a nice workout" when I saw her. A few times she cornered me and rattled off every single thing about her life, family drama, medical problems, etc. I always try to gently exit by saying I had to get to class or I was done and had somewhere to be.
Fast forward a couple months and she changed her schedule to work out when I am there (she told me as much) so she could chat with me. She seems to be watching my husband and me and corners me to comment on our workouts, outfits, progress, etc. (She picks the cardio machine right outside the locker area so there is no avoiding passing her if heading back that way). And today she told me the best part of her day was when she got to the gym and saw I was there working out.
She is nice (and clearly a little lonely) and I am trying to be polite but some days I am a little creeped out. I am totally not a conflict person ... and I hate hurting people's feelings. Should I just suck it up and devote 10 minutes to talking to her each day (she works out like a beast and has made a huge transformation - she told me she was "trying to keep up with me")? Or does anyone have any graceful suggestions for me to extricate myself? ;-)
Fast forward a couple months and she changed her schedule to work out when I am there (she told me as much) so she could chat with me. She seems to be watching my husband and me and corners me to comment on our workouts, outfits, progress, etc. (She picks the cardio machine right outside the locker area so there is no avoiding passing her if heading back that way). And today she told me the best part of her day was when she got to the gym and saw I was there working out.
She is nice (and clearly a little lonely) and I am trying to be polite but some days I am a little creeped out. I am totally not a conflict person ... and I hate hurting people's feelings. Should I just suck it up and devote 10 minutes to talking to her each day (she works out like a beast and has made a huge transformation - she told me she was "trying to keep up with me")? Or does anyone have any graceful suggestions for me to extricate myself? ;-)
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Replies
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I think all of us who frequent the gym have ran into a similar archetype before. I know I sure as hell have. Bear in mind that many people who are gym rats are that way because they have literally nothing else going for them in their lives so they latch on to the one thing that they aspire towards or are successful at. Some of the most socially awkward cats I have ran across in my entire life have been fellow gym rats.
While most of the people are fairly harmless, just with the personality traits of 13 year old ADD patient, the situation you describe does seem to rise to the category of "certified creeper" or perhaps even sociopath. Depending on where you work out, you might think about bringing this up to one of the staff members or trainers. I can guarantee you they have dealt with people like this before. If it is that alarming they might inform law enforcement. Another option would be just to throw being subtle out the window and just express to this freak show that you find the behavior unwelcome. You can also just say screw it and go to a different gym I suppose. In any event, I hope you get this issue resolved. Being at the gym is my "happy time" and it would p*ss me off to no end to have it infringed upon.4 -
Changing gyms isn't an option ... this is the nicest one in a town with few choices. And I really think she doesn't know how creepy she comes off sometimes. She is very religious (as she has told me several times). She also does some part-time maintenance work at the gym so I am not sure going to management would help. Ugh ... guess I just have to put on my big girl pants and tell her that my gym time is limited and I need to focus. Or maybe I just buy giant headphones and smile and wave and pretend I can't hear her!2
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If it was me I would switch gyms or workout times whatever the cost. Like you, I am too friendly at times leading to long drawn out conversations with people that you really weren't trying to be more than bare minimum friendly with... I think it usually goes hand in hand with the no confrontation thing. I would be too worried about hurting her feelings or upsetting her to be honest/blunt and it's just too stressful and weird to allow the the conversations to continue. She is most likely just a lonely person looking for a friend, but it's still odd. Good luck!5
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I know how precious gym time is, but if there was someone at my gym that was acting like that towards me i'd slow down and think about the important things in life , and making someones day is kinda special. We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life. I agree that it can cramp our gym time, but if it were me, i'd suck it up and slow myself down and give her some time, you just never know.
When i was younger, i blew off older people that seemed creepy They were just lonely and i regret it now, i wish i hadn't been like that.48 -
I know how precious gym time is, but if there was someone at my gym that was acting like that towards me i'd slow down and think about the important things in life , and making someones day is kinda special. We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life. I agree that it can cramp our gym time, but if it were me, i'd suck it up and slow myself down and give her some time, you just never know.
Ugh ... that's what my mother would say. Lol - you may be right. ;-)9 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »She is very religious (as she has told me several times)... maybe I just buy giant headphones and smile and wave and pretend I can't hear her!
Headphones are one thing you could buy, but there might be another way to go about it. Perhaps buy some new workout attire?
(meant to be funny... no offense to anyone I hope.)
Edit: @SonyaCele offers much better advice!28 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »guess I just have to put on my big girl pants and tell her that my gym time is limited and I need to focus.
i would do this. but then i'm the kind of person where that kind of thing gets to me so much that sooner or later i'm guaranteed to snap. it's a really bad idea for me to say things like 'it's only x minutes out of my day' to myself, because i grow less grownup and graceful the longer i try to make myself swallow that.
you're totally allowed to wear big girl panties, c'mon. i mean, if you're old enough to have a husband you're old enough to be entitled and able to speak up for your space. and old enough for the onus to be on her to suck it up and just deal if she doesn't like it.
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tg16nullity wrote: »buffalogal42 wrote: »She is very religious (as she has told me several times)... maybe I just buy giant headphones and smile and wave and pretend I can't hear her!
Headphones are one thing you could buy, but there might be another way to go about it. Perhaps buy some new workout attire?
(meant to be funny... no offense to anyone I hope.)
Edit: @SonyaCele offers much better advice!
OMG this is awesome! Lol - actually, last week I was wearing my Nike "Equality" shirt and I actually had a thought about how she might react (knowing she is very religious).2 -
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We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life.
i would agree with this IF the person in question seemed capable of understanding boundaries and observing them on their own. but this woman sure doesn't. she sounds more like the type who needs exactly the opposite kind of treatment, to me.4 -
canadianlbs wrote: »We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life.
i would agree with this IF the person in question seemed capable of understanding boundaries and observing them on their own. but this woman sure doesn't. she sounds more like the type who needs exactly the opposite kind of treatment, to me.
it sounds to me like the OP has been friendly with her and probably given her the impression that she's a kind approachable person, and i get the feeling the OP is kind because she's having this dilemma, and she'd probably be upset with herself if she crushed this woman by pushing away after being friendly with her.2 -
canadianlbs wrote: »We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life.
i would agree with this IF the person in question seemed capable of understanding boundaries and observing them on their own. but this woman sure doesn't. she sounds more like the type who needs exactly the opposite kind of treatment, to me.
it sounds to me like the OP has been friendly with her and probably given her the impression that she's a kind approachable person, and i get the feeling the OP is kind because she's having this dilemma, and she'd probably be upset with herself if she crushed this woman by pushing away after being friendly with her.
I want to be liked so I always try to be friendly if approached but I hate social interaction so I never initiate it. I don't ever want to hurt someone's feelings ... my hubby says I let myself be taken advantage of which is probably true!1 -
I would fart every time she's around.16
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That's a bit much. I would let her know you have limited time in the gym and cut the conversation short.2
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »I would fart every time she's around.
That... Would be a great superhero power, to pass gas on command. We could call her: The Spleen8 -
i SAW someone in real life wearing that shirt. in the elevator of one of the most larney, up-themselves, suit-wearing, ceo-ridden, pretentious and 'high end' high-rise buildings in town.
made the mistake of speaking to him. i'm just gonna say the shirt was totally wasted on him if his conversation was anything to go by. all the personality of a bowl of cold porridge.it sounds to me like the OP has been friendly with her and probably given her the impression that she's a kind approachable person
i guess because i'm by default a 'kind approachable' person, i take it very very very poorly if anyone i show that face to takes advantage of it. and some people will. and some people do. so i get loaded for bear after only a very short time. and i truly detest the emotional blackmail of 'oh, this person is probably lonely.' sometimes there are reasons why someone is 'lonely', like they're selfish or socially oblivious or manipulative. and playing doormat to them only enables the causes of it.
*am in a big fat don't-*kitten*-with-me mood atm. don't mind me*
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Whole bunch of "Lift Angry" shirts out there. I just use headphones. People don't socialise at the gym I go to. It's kind of known as the meathead gym on island. I love it because I kind of am that typical focused/slightly angry lifter.
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I think Sonya makes a really good point, and there's got to be a way to do that with some boundaries. Often with people that you know are like this, it helps to set a boundary at the very top of the conversation, like, "Oh hi, how are you today? I'm on a limited schedule today/need to focus/whatever so I only have a couple minutes to chat. How's your workout going?" Then engage in a couple minutes of chit-chat, glance at the clock, and realize you've been at it long enough with,"Oh my! Well it was lovely to chat with you but I must press on! So good to see you today!" ::smile and wave and go::14
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@ArvinSloane gives great advice here. I had a similar situation where a woman in my Zumba class started saying hello (totally cool) and then began to tell me all about her kids, their pets, her medical limitations, etc. etc. I still greet her, but extricated myself somewhat by telling her I have only an hour to get through my workout and then have to leave the gym right afterwards. I always make a point of saying goodbye to her at the end of my workout, but continue purposefully walking to the exit regardless of whether she wants to engage in further conversation or not. Now our long goodbyes are simple waves and "have a nice day!". Totally worked for me. And it's kind.11
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There's a lady that I'm friendly with at the gym who will talk your ear off.
If I have the time to talk, I will. If I have to get a few things done first, I say, "I've got to squat today...let me get this done first...then I want hear all of the gossip."1 -
I find that people who aren't sensitive enough to "read" a situation (i.e. they're crowding you), usually need to be communicated with more "obviously" than you might think, especially if you are a thoughtful, sensitive person yourself. No need to be rude, but a quick look at your watch and a brisk "Great to talk with you XXX, but I don't have much time to workout today, so had better get on" or, even better, when she says hi, say a cheery "hi" back and move directly onto your piece of equipment without stopping.
You can still be polite, but I am 99% sure that subtlety won't work here. Be blatant! Good luck!7 -
she'd probably be upset with herself if she crushed this woman by pushing away after being friendly with her.
i can sort of get that, but i don't want to make assumptions on the op's behalf, so i'm just correlating all this to an experience in my own gym. i talked to this little guy once, because there was a context for it at the time. we had one of those 'gym' conversations, you know. he thought it meant that any time i showed up, he oculd keep on displacing himself to make sure he was always in my line of vision no matter what i was doing or how little interest i was showing in treating the place like a coffee house.
i think it's completely reasonable to expect that when you go to a gym, just being there sends a signal 'i'm not here to fill in the gaps in your social life. so if you expect that and you feel shocked, it's on you.'1 -
I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
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Good for you! Nicely handled. Hope you managed to enjoy your workout!1
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Sounds like she needs a friend and you handled her awesomely today. I suspect you have a friend for life in this lady but if you take control then you won't miss out on your workout
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buffalogal42 wrote: »I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
this is great. i find that you have to set the limit yourself and also make it clear that you're setting one because they won't pick up on that by themselves. you did it nicely, and even if she does act a bit discombobulated for a while, consistency from you ought to help her adjust her perception of what she can ask for from you.
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Congrats OP! Sounds like you're on the right track 1
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buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Don't forget that the ability to blow of some steam to a "stranger" works both ways. Her chatting to you probably makes her feel better because she isn't bottling things up and likewise you know that if you have a crappy day at work or anywhere you can probably vent about it to her and then just get on with your day.
So perhaps the "be kind but exit quickly" approach can have a few "be kind and stand around chatting" days as well.3 -
canadianlbs wrote: »
i SAW someone in real life wearing that shirt. in the elevator of one of the most larney, up-themselves, suit-wearing, ceo-ridden, pretentious and 'high end' high-rise buildings in town.
made the mistake of speaking to him. i'm just gonna say the shirt was totally wasted on him if his conversation was anything to go by. all the personality of a bowl of cold porridge.it sounds to me like the OP has been friendly with her and probably given her the impression that she's a kind approachable person
i guess because i'm by default a 'kind approachable' person, i take it very very very poorly if anyone i show that face to takes advantage of it. and some people will. and some people do. so i get loaded for bear after only a very short time. and i truly detest the emotional blackmail of 'oh, this person is probably lonely.' sometimes there are reasons why someone is 'lonely', like they're selfish or socially oblivious or manipulative. and playing doormat to them only enables the causes of it.
*am in a big fat don't-*kitten*-with-me mood atm. don't mind me*
Truer words, were never spoken typed!4 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Don't forget that the ability to blow of some steam to a "stranger" works both ways. Her chatting to you probably makes her feel better because she isn't bottling things up and likewise you know that if you have a crappy day at work or anywhere you can probably vent about it to her and then just get on with your day.
So perhaps the "be kind but exit quickly" approach can have a few "be kind and stand around chatting" days as well.
No one is obligated to be anyone's shrink.7
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