Gym stalkers?
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I find that people who aren't sensitive enough to "read" a situation (i.e. they're crowding you), usually need to be communicated with more "obviously" than you might think, especially if you are a thoughtful, sensitive person yourself. No need to be rude, but a quick look at your watch and a brisk "Great to talk with you XXX, but I don't have much time to workout today, so had better get on" or, even better, when she says hi, say a cheery "hi" back and move directly onto your piece of equipment without stopping.
You can still be polite, but I am 99% sure that subtlety won't work here. Be blatant! Good luck!7 -
she'd probably be upset with herself if she crushed this woman by pushing away after being friendly with her.
i can sort of get that, but i don't want to make assumptions on the op's behalf, so i'm just correlating all this to an experience in my own gym. i talked to this little guy once, because there was a context for it at the time. we had one of those 'gym' conversations, you know. he thought it meant that any time i showed up, he oculd keep on displacing himself to make sure he was always in my line of vision no matter what i was doing or how little interest i was showing in treating the place like a coffee house.
i think it's completely reasonable to expect that when you go to a gym, just being there sends a signal 'i'm not here to fill in the gaps in your social life. so if you expect that and you feel shocked, it's on you.'1 -
I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
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Good for you! Nicely handled. Hope you managed to enjoy your workout!1
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Sounds like she needs a friend and you handled her awesomely today. I suspect you have a friend for life in this lady but if you take control then you won't miss out on your workout
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buffalogal42 wrote: »I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
this is great. i find that you have to set the limit yourself and also make it clear that you're setting one because they won't pick up on that by themselves. you did it nicely, and even if she does act a bit discombobulated for a while, consistency from you ought to help her adjust her perception of what she can ask for from you.
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Congrats OP! Sounds like you're on the right track 1
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buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Don't forget that the ability to blow of some steam to a "stranger" works both ways. Her chatting to you probably makes her feel better because she isn't bottling things up and likewise you know that if you have a crappy day at work or anywhere you can probably vent about it to her and then just get on with your day.
So perhaps the "be kind but exit quickly" approach can have a few "be kind and stand around chatting" days as well.3 -
canadianlbs wrote: »
i SAW someone in real life wearing that shirt. in the elevator of one of the most larney, up-themselves, suit-wearing, ceo-ridden, pretentious and 'high end' high-rise buildings in town.
made the mistake of speaking to him. i'm just gonna say the shirt was totally wasted on him if his conversation was anything to go by. all the personality of a bowl of cold porridge.it sounds to me like the OP has been friendly with her and probably given her the impression that she's a kind approachable person
i guess because i'm by default a 'kind approachable' person, i take it very very very poorly if anyone i show that face to takes advantage of it. and some people will. and some people do. so i get loaded for bear after only a very short time. and i truly detest the emotional blackmail of 'oh, this person is probably lonely.' sometimes there are reasons why someone is 'lonely', like they're selfish or socially oblivious or manipulative. and playing doormat to them only enables the causes of it.
*am in a big fat don't-*kitten*-with-me mood atm. don't mind me*
Truer words, were never spoken typed!4 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Don't forget that the ability to blow of some steam to a "stranger" works both ways. Her chatting to you probably makes her feel better because she isn't bottling things up and likewise you know that if you have a crappy day at work or anywhere you can probably vent about it to her and then just get on with your day.
So perhaps the "be kind but exit quickly" approach can have a few "be kind and stand around chatting" days as well.
No one is obligated to be anyone's shrink.7 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Don't forget that the ability to blow of some steam to a "stranger" works both ways. Her chatting to you probably makes her feel better because she isn't bottling things up and likewise you know that if you have a crappy day at work or anywhere you can probably vent about it to her and then just get on with your day.
So perhaps the "be kind but exit quickly" approach can have a few "be kind and stand around chatting" days as well.
No one is obligated to be anyone's shrink.
No one has said she should be.1 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
This was good. You're fine!
I have people in the gym who I consider my gym buddies. Sometimes we talk for extended periods of time...sometimes we all IGNORE each other, and sometimes we do exactly what you did with her. A quick hello and enjoy your workout. It's normal at the gym.1 -
So ... tonight I was running late because of work guests in town. I was rolling in to the gym right as she was leaving. She said "Oh, I was worried that you weren't here." That's a little ... odd ... I think. But I just said "Thanks - just busy at work. Have a good night." I guess I don't mind the chit chat as much as the fixation. But thinking that seems narcissistic and I hope I am not that! 5
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buffalogal42 wrote: »So ... tonight I was running late because of work guests in town. I was rolling in to the gym right as she was leaving. She said "Oh, I was worried that you weren't here." That's a little ... odd ... I think. But I just said "Thanks - just busy at work. Have a good night." I guess I don't mind the chit chat as much as the fixation. But thinking that seems narcissistic and I hope I am not that!
You're her BFF in her head. That can be harmless or dangerous depending on the person.5 -
You do realize that you're hurting her feelings (more) by not speaking up, right?
If you truly believe she's got an unhealthy fixation on you, alert the staff and police. Otherwise, talk to her already. She may be trying to befriend you and not realize how she's coming across. Unless you want her to leave you alone entirely, let her know your boundaries - a true friend, heck any decent person, will want to respect and make an effort to honor those. If she does persist or get worse after all that, though...definitely report it to the manager.8 -
asianolikeyou wrote: »But thinking that seems narcissistic and I hope I am not that!
it's not narcissism unless you think 'gee, she's got all kinds of alternative people who would be happy to have her yapping at them, and she picked meeeeeeeeeeee out of that cast of thousands to do it to'
not bloody likely, by the sounds of her. more likely she's only 'fixated' in the sense that nobody else will put up with her, so when she does find a source she has to work it to death. she sounds selfish, if you ask me. selfish people don't get a lot of my sympathy.
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asianolikeyou wrote: »You do realize that you're hurting her feelings (more) by not speaking up, right?
If you truly believe she's got an unhealthy fixation on you, alert the staff and police. Otherwise, talk to her already. She may be trying to befriend you and not realize how she's coming across. Unless you want her to leave you alone entirely, let her know your boundaries - a true friend, heck any decent person, will want to respect and make an effort to honor those. If she does persist or get worse after all that, though...definitely report it to the manager.
tell the police that an old lady is talking to her in the gym too much?? really??15 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »Lol, ok that is too strong a term. But I have an older lady at the gym who seems to have latched on to me. I have seen her there over the past couple years but a couple months ago she introduced herself to me when the gym was quiet and said she had been "too scared to talk to me." I am very friendly at the gym so I chatted a bit and started making sure I said "hi" or "have a nice workout" when I saw her. A few times she cornered me and rattled off every single thing about her life, family drama, medical problems, etc. I always try to gently exit by saying I had to get to class or I was done and had somewhere to be.
Fast forward a couple months and she changed her schedule to work out when I am there (she told me as much) so she could chat with me. She seems to be watching my husband and me and corners me to comment on our workouts, outfits, progress, etc. (She picks the cardio machine right outside the locker area so there is no avoiding passing her if heading back that way). And today she told me the best part of her day was when she got to the gym and saw I was there working out.
She is nice (and clearly a little lonely) and I am trying to be polite but some days I am a little creeped out. I am totally not a conflict person ... and I hate hurting people's feelings. Should I just suck it up and devote 10 minutes to talking to her each day (she works out like a beast and has made a huge transformation - she told me she was "trying to keep up with me")? Or does anyone have any graceful suggestions for me to extricate myself? ;-)
Is she REALLY doing you, or your workout, any harm? Is that 10 minutes a day that great an imposition? You are the "best part of her day" (kinda sad if you think about your response ("but some days I am a little creeped out"). Why? What does she say that "creeps you out"? Is your work out really that jammed packed that you can not spare a few minutes to make an old lady's day? You can't talk, make polite conversation, during the break between sets, to make the life of someone else a little more tolerable? That's kinda sad, too.13 -
I know how precious gym time is, but if there was someone at my gym that was acting like that towards me i'd slow down and think about the important things in life , and making someones day is kinda special. We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life. I agree that it can cramp our gym time, but if it were me, i'd suck it up and slow myself down and give her some time, you just never know.
When i was younger, i blew off older people that seemed creepy They were just lonely and i regret it now, i wish i hadn't been like that.
This reminds me of a valuable lesson I learned once. It was a creepy older lady that would talk to me at work like this lady is doing you. I would get frustrated and blow her off because I wanted to do my work and I like working alone. She was the nicest lady, but annoying af. Fast forward, I recall planning for my wedding and being stressed out that I didn't have all the pieces. Turned out that she had been married and even engaged a couple times and she gifted me EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I NEEDED. It was beautiful, new things too. In the end, she became a life long friend, even after I ignored her all those months. I'm so happy that I snapped out of it. Sometimes, people need you for whatever reason, and you never know how they will come through for you.
Also, kudos for her to (quietly) making you her mentor and getting in shape. That alone should make you feel good.
But if it REALLY bothers you. Maybe wave to her and if she proceeds to talking, say something like, "I'm sorry, my schedule has changed and as soon as I get to the gym I have to hit the ground running and get out of here on a scheduled time. You look good, keep up the hard work!"4 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Didn't see this. Yes this was a great way to handle it.0
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