Help me argue this point with my husband
beth0277
Posts: 217 Member
So my husband has logged in for almost 100 days and lost about 16 pounds, which is great. He started when I was about a month into my journey. For the last month, he hasn't budged his weight at all and I was starting to get worried because he has burned a ton of calories working out and I always see him weighing and tracking so I knew he was doing what he was supposed to be. I checked out his diary this morning just to see if anything stood out and I saw that for lunch he has been eating out every day. Things like barbeque with mac & cheese, pizza, etc. Now, I know that if you accurately track these things, it's fine. However, he is tracking random restaurants that are different, I'm assuming because he can't find exactly what he is looking for. I want to encourage him to focus more on what he is eating because 1 - he can't accurately track this stuff and even if he finds the right restaurant, that doesn't mean that the specific plate of mac & cheese or barbeque sandwich has the amount listed in the database. I think it's fine to eat things like this once in a while and hope the calories are close but he is doing this every day and 2 - I think after a bit you get to a point where your body needs a bit healthier foods to lose weight. That has been my experience. I focus now on what I eat, with treats thrown in, and I was able to get over any stalls I have had so far. I know his response is going to be "It's calories in vs calories out" and I agree, but I don't think he is able to accurately track these things.
Can anyone give me a better reason than I am laying out here to get him to understand? Or maybe explain it better than I am?
Can anyone give me a better reason than I am laying out here to get him to understand? Or maybe explain it better than I am?
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Replies
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he is a grown man, right?? I would let him do him and you do you.51
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All that extra sodium he is getting from eating out means water weight could be masking any actual weight loss. Plus it's harder to know if you are maintaining a deficit if you cannot be accurate. If he can cut the eating out to once or twice a week he might see better results4
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Muscleflex79 wrote: »he is a grown man, right?? I would let him do him and you do you.
This.13 -
Muscleflex79 wrote: »he is a grown man, right?? I would let him do him and you do you.
Of course, but he is also discouraged about not losing weight and I'm trying to help him. I would gladly take his help if he were to offer it.6 -
While I agree with him that it is CICO, I agree with you that he is likely not tracking accurately and that's why he's stalled.5
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Let the man fail on his own and come to you when he wants advice on what to do. I can tell you from experience telling someone how they should be doing something and why they're wrong generally don't produce the desired results.
Your first point is right though, if he isn't losing weight it's because he's not being accurate and eating out every day (without having accurate calorie information) is a great way to stall or accidentally over-eat. Your second point isn't right. He doesn't have to eat "healthier foods" to lose weight; he just needs to be accurate in what he's actually eating. It's clear at this point that he probably isn't.
To recap: let the man fail on his own and don't try to control him or his situation; you're not responsible for his successes of failures.26 -
Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!7
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Muscleflex79 wrote: »he is a grown man, right?? I would let him do him and you do you.
Mention it. If he pushes back... let it be.
If he comes back in a month and grouses about not making progress, remind him that you made the point... and then let it be again.13 -
kcn2bluesky wrote: »Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!
Yes. He has been very discouraged about not losing and with his personality, if he continues to be stalled, he will throw in the towel. I am trying to be supportive. I offered to start making his lunches with mine every morning.
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You are spot on. Restaurants can be over 40% off in their calorie claims. Plus, adding similar items by title only adds to the margin of error.
1. Aim to eat cleaner. Restaurants don't consider the oil they are cooking things in. Stay away from breads, creamy sauces, fried foods, etc.
2. The calorie number is not the key to weight loss. Check out macros/nutrient info. Is he going over on sugar? Too much sugar means adding fat! I'm also sure you'll see he is eating trans fat which is a huge no-no.
3. Is he logging drinks? Is he measuring his food?
4. What about exercise?33 -
stanmann571 wrote: »Muscleflex79 wrote: »he is a grown man, right?? I would let him do him and you do you.
Mention it. If he pushes back... let it be.
If he comes back in a month and grouses about not making progress, remind him that you made the point... and then let it be again.
This, I don't agree with the let him do him and you do you, he is not a stranger off the street and she cares about his feelings and successes. I would do exactly what the above poster stated, let him know you're there for help but don't push or keep mentioning it and when he wants it he can ask for it. You do you is for strangers and people you are not close with. There is nothing wrong with offering help to someone close, it's when you push and nag and keep at them that it becomes a problem.10 -
kcn2bluesky wrote: »Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!
Yes. He has been very discouraged about not losing and with his personality, if he continues to be stalled, he will throw in the towel. I am trying to be supportive. I offered to start making his lunches with mine every morning.
What did he say when you offered to make his lunch and does he have a significant amount of weight to lose? I always make my fiancé's lunches but more for financial reasons lol. He loses weight in about 2 weeks back to perfect shape if he tries...
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kcn2bluesky wrote: »Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!
Yes. He has been very discouraged about not losing and with his personality, if he continues to be stalled, he will throw in the towel. I am trying to be supportive. I offered to start making his lunches with mine every morning.
What did he say when you offered to make his lunch and does he have a significant amount of weight to lose? I always make my fiancé's lunches but more for financial reasons lol. He loses weight in about 2 weeks back to perfect shape if he tries...
Yeah I make the Hubster's lunches, mostly because its such a huge cost saving. Eating out 5 days a week is damn expensive!3 -
Also I'd try saying: Ok so you don't believe it's related to eating out? Sure but humor me for 5 days. I will make your lunch and you drink 3 liters of water per day. And only weight yourself after 5 days. It's a little challenge (men tend to like those
) and he believes he will prove you wrong. But with clean eating and lots of water, he will shed all of the extra salt and lose weight LOL. Then he can choose whether you make his lunch or he eats out! - It would be a 5 days challenge only so he won't see it as toooo horrible. 10 -
kcn2bluesky wrote: »Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!
Yes. He has been very discouraged about not losing and with his personality, if he continues to be stalled, he will throw in the towel. I am trying to be supportive. I offered to start making his lunches with mine every morning.
In this case, since he is getting discouraged, then I would just have a casual conversation about changes he thinks might be helpful. It may be that he has ideas (other than changing his lunch routine) about how to get his weight moving downward again.
What did he say when you offered to make his lunches? That is a very nice thing for you to do for him! And it doesn't have to be every day, but even a few times a week would make a difference I bet, if he is onboard with it.
You sound like a very caring and supportive person
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kcn2bluesky wrote: »Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!
Yes. He has been very discouraged about not losing and with his personality, if he continues to be stalled, he will throw in the towel. I am trying to be supportive. I offered to start making his lunches with mine every morning.
What did he say when you offered to make his lunch and does he have a significant amount of weight to lose? I always make my fiancé's lunches but more for financial reasons lol. He loses weight in about 2 weeks back to perfect shape if he tries...
I'm waiting on his response about the lunches - just texted him this morning. He has significant weight to lose. He is 302 as of this morning and wants to get to around 220.0 -
kcn2bluesky wrote: »Is he unhappy with his weight loss progress and has he specifically sought your guidance or help with the issue? If not, I would just let him be and let him do his thing. If he has asked you for your thoughts on why he isn't losing, then I would suggest to work around eating out at lunch every single day. Perhaps you could both prep lunches together the night before? Eating out every day is expensive anyway!
Yes. He has been very discouraged about not losing and with his personality, if he continues to be stalled, he will throw in the towel. I am trying to be supportive. I offered to start making his lunches with mine every morning.
What did he say when you offered to make his lunch and does he have a significant amount of weight to lose? I always make my fiancé's lunches but more for financial reasons lol. He loses weight in about 2 weeks back to perfect shape if he tries...
I'm waiting on his response about the lunches - just texted him this morning. He has significant weight to lose. He is 302 as of this morning and wants to get to around 220.
Yea that is quite a bit. If he says no, you know he chooses restaurant food over weight loss since you would be making his lunch... so not any more responsibilities added for him. BUT if he says no, try to propose the challenge. Sometimes adding fun to weight loss may be what is needed to spark his interest again and he will see his restaurant food 5 days from the end of the challenge so he won't see it as forever. Weight loss is such a serious thing and often discouraging during plateaus.2 -
You may be correct in identifying the problem, but I am not totally convinced the problem is solely his eating out. I go through phases where I eat out alot, but have not had it effect the results I should be achieving.
Largely, I agree with what others are saying. He is an adult, and it is up to him to be honest and accurate with his diary, or not. You can't really make him do it.
If there are reasons you really feel he needs to continue to lose weight then that is something worth sitting down and discussing. But, I think trying to micromanage his intake and diary could lead to alot of tension and resentment so isn't a path I would chose.0 -
i agree he's a grown man bla bla bla but IF he is frustrated with lack of progress over time I don't see how pointing him in the right direction can hurt if it comes from a place of love. Anyhow, if he's okay with it then I wouldn't bother but if he's frustrated then maybe suggest he eat out at chain type places where the calorie count is more accurate. And no, your body doesn't get to a point where it needs healthier foods to lose, your body doesn't spare a single kitten with respect to this. If you really want to help without saying anything why don't you make what he's buying for lunch so you know the calories?3
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »You may be correct in identifying the problem, but I am not totally convinced the problem is solely his eating out. I go through phases where I eat out alot, but have not had it effect the results I should be achieving.
Largely, I agree with what others are saying. He is an adult, and it is up to him to be honest and accurate with his diary, or not. You can't really make him do it.
If there are reasons you really feel he needs to continue to lose weight then that is something worth sitting down and discussing. But, I think trying to micromanage his intake and diary could lead to alot of tension and resentment so isn't a path I would chose.
I agree that being hard on him could cause tension which is why that isn't the path I will go. I truly want to help him. We've been married for 10 years and I love him very much and want to spend a long life with him. He's morbidly obese. When I've talked to him about it in the past and he says he wants to do it his way or doesn't want to track, I have left it alone. Now that he sees the benefit of tracking, I am just trying to help point him in the right direction. I was actually getting worried he needed to see a doctor (although he had a normal check up in May) so I am a bit relieved to see that it's probably more related to what he is eating.1 -
You are spot on. Restaurants can be over 40% off in their calorie claims. Plus, adding similar items by title only adds to the margin of error.
1. Aim to eat cleaner. Restaurants don't consider the oil they are cooking things in. Stay away from breads, creamy sauces, fried foods, etc.
2. The calorie number is not the key to weight loss. Check out macros/nutrient info. Is he going over on sugar? Too much sugar means adding fat! I'm also sure you'll see he is eating trans fat which is a huge no-no.
3. Is he logging drinks? Is he measuring his food?
4. What about exercise?
The bolded bit here is potentially useful, but you already addressed the measuring and weighing in the op. Exercise has already been addressed as well, and if he's following MFP's calorie goal set with the correct activity level, it shouldn't matter anyway. The rest, no.3 -
I agree that being hard on him could cause tension which is why that isn't the path I will go. I truly want to help him. We've been married for 10 years and I love him very much and want to spend a long life with him. He's morbidly obese. When I've talked to him about it in the past and he says he wants to do it his way or doesn't want to track, I have left it alone. Now that he sees the benefit of tracking, I am just trying to help point him in the right direction. I was actually getting worried he needed to see a doctor (although he had a normal check up in May) so I am a bit relieved to see that it's probably more related to what he is eating.
A couple things I had to learn along the way about logging while eating out (sorry if any of these are overly obvious, I was pretty dumb when I started this journey ):
1. Log a little extra of everything. For example: if he eats a big mac, log 1.1 big macs, that can help account for any big servings provided.
2. It is important to remember to log the condiments. It's amazing how many calorie are in sauces restaurants serve. These probably are not accounted for as part of the meal.
3. Drinks that contain calories need to be logged too, seems obvious but I still find myself forgetting it now and then.
4. Pre-log. Go in with a plan. It is very easy to overeat at restaurants, or think you are making a healthy choice and having an "oh crap" moment when you later log it.
5. If there is a restaurant he frequents it is worth the extra time and effort to try to figure out the calories in that meal. Take the time to check out the restaurants website, MFP has a pretty good database built up, but it doesn't have everything. Some restaurants have nutrition calculators where you can build the meal you eat, the way you like it, and it will calculate the calories in it for you. You can create "my foods" in your database for these.
Also, he may need to re-evaluate his calorie goal if he has not been adjusting it as he loses weight. It sounds like he was losing at a decent rate and then stalled, so it is unlikely his calorie goal is that far off and this is the sole problem, it seems more likely to be inaccurate logging, but never hurts to look take a fresh look at the whole plan.
Hopefully yall can figure out what the problem is and find a good solution. Good luck to you both~
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »You may be correct in identifying the problem, but I am not totally convinced the problem is solely his eating out. I go through phases where I eat out alot, but have not had it effect the results I should be achieving.
Largely, I agree with what others are saying. He is an adult, and it is up to him to be honest and accurate with his diary, or not. You can't really make him do it.
If there are reasons you really feel he needs to continue to lose weight then that is something worth sitting down and discussing. But, I think trying to micromanage his intake and diary could lead to alot of tension and resentment so isn't a path I would chose.
I agree that being hard on him could cause tension which is why that isn't the path I will go. I truly want to help him. We've been married for 10 years and I love him very much and want to spend a long life with him. He's morbidly obese. When I've talked to him about it in the past and he says he wants to do it his way or doesn't want to track, I have left it alone. Now that he sees the benefit of tracking, I am just trying to help point him in the right direction. I was actually getting worried he needed to see a doctor (although he had a normal check up in May) so I am a bit relieved to see that it's probably more related to what he is eating.
This is just my 2 cents and stems from an emotional response not a technical one.
it might be helpful for him to seek professional help in this endeavor. He's significantly over-weight and his health (current and future) as well as quality of life are in significant jeopardy. I don't know anyone personally who has gotten to this level of obesity without there being some level of emotional trauma, disordered eating, etc. underlying their issue.
If you've had a serious conversation about this in the past and he understands the gravity of his choices i'm sorry to say that the likelihood that he's just going to change with your help, guidance, or pressure is pretty slim. I mean, it's not like he got to over 300 pounds because he simply didn't know what healthy food was, or what an appropriate portion size of food was, or that exercise is important for our health, etc. He also didn't get to his size simply for convenience (like because he wasn't having his meals prepared for him). Something internally is driving him to eat these foods in the quantity he's eating them.
Quite frankly I don't think he'll be successful until he has a real coming to jesus talk about his health (like some major scare) or he fixes whatever underlying problem happens to be. I'm not trying to be a debbie downer, and maybe he'll be the exception, but i've rarely seen someone succeed who didn't have the intense internal drive to make a change; let alone someone who has over 100 pounds to lose.
By all means do whatever you can to help support him, make it easier on him, try and set a good example, etc. But i wouldn't keep my hopes up about him changing just because you want him to; that's going to come down to his choices and actions.
The best advice I can give is to focus on your own health, get yourself great results, and maybe he'll finally come to the point where staying the same is more painful than making a change.9 -
Hi, Did he not eat at restaurants during the time he lost the 16 lbs? If he didn't, then he might have gotten tired of the "diet" food and wants to not feel deprived. Or is he eating lunch with coworkers at the restaurants? It might just be he really likes getting out with the coworkers and eating really tasty food.
You know what? If he sees that you are losing weight consistently bringing your own lunch from home, he will see that that is what he needs to do.0 -
I'm in the No Unsolicited Advice camp. If he came to you & said, "I'm really frustrated I'm not losing weight - what should I do?" then that's different. Offer ALL the advices! But if he's just grumbling & groaning that he's not losing weight, I'd suggest just empathizing with a "that really sucks" or "boy, that's frustrating." If he hasn't asked for your advice or input, there's no need to inflict it on him.2 - I think after a bit you get to a point where your body needs a bit healthier foods to lose weight. That has been my experience. I focus now on what I eat, with treats thrown in, and I was able to get over any stalls I have had so far. I know his response is going to be "It's calories in vs calories out" and I agree, but I don't think he is able to accurately track these things.
Also, this sounds more like your issue is with the foods he's eating rather than his inaccurate tracking, but you're circling back & trying to make it a tracking issue.
Lastly, just your title of arguing a point hints that this is an area where you two have had problems. No where in your OP did you mention that he asked for your input. And you ended with how you're trying to "make him understand."
tl;dr - I agree with the first comment. He's an adult. Treat him like one.
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I'm in the No Unsolicited Advice camp. If he came to you & said, "I'm really frustrated I'm not losing weight - what should I do?" then that's different. Offer ALL the advices! But if he's just grumbling & groaning that he's not losing weight, I'd suggest just empathizing with a "that really sucks" or "boy, that's frustrating." If he hasn't asked for your advice or input, there's no need to inflict it on him.2 - I think after a bit you get to a point where your body needs a bit healthier foods to lose weight. That has been my experience. I focus now on what I eat, with treats thrown in, and I was able to get over any stalls I have had so far. I know his response is going to be "It's calories in vs calories out" and I agree, but I don't think he is able to accurately track these things.
Also, this sounds more like your issue is with the foods he's eating rather than his inaccurate tracking, but you're circling back & trying to make it a tracking issue.
Lastly, just your title of arguing a point hints that this is an area where you two have had problems. No where in your OP did you mention that he asked for your input. And you ended with how you're trying to "make him understand."
tl;dr - I agree with the first comment. He's an adult. Treat him like one.
exactly this. it sounds like you have already tried to argue your points above and he doesn't want to hear it...that's where I think you need to leave it...you can't MAKE him understand if he doesn't want to hear it.1 -
rainbowbow wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »You may be correct in identifying the problem, but I am not totally convinced the problem is solely his eating out. I go through phases where I eat out alot, but have not had it effect the results I should be achieving.
Largely, I agree with what others are saying. He is an adult, and it is up to him to be honest and accurate with his diary, or not. You can't really make him do it.
If there are reasons you really feel he needs to continue to lose weight then that is something worth sitting down and discussing. But, I think trying to micromanage his intake and diary could lead to alot of tension and resentment so isn't a path I would chose.
I agree that being hard on him could cause tension which is why that isn't the path I will go. I truly want to help him. We've been married for 10 years and I love him very much and want to spend a long life with him. He's morbidly obese. When I've talked to him about it in the past and he says he wants to do it his way or doesn't want to track, I have left it alone. Now that he sees the benefit of tracking, I am just trying to help point him in the right direction. I was actually getting worried he needed to see a doctor (although he had a normal check up in May) so I am a bit relieved to see that it's probably more related to what he is eating.
This is just my 2 cents and stems from an emotional response not a technical one.
it might be helpful for him to seek professional help in this endeavor. He's significantly over-weight and his health (current and future) as well as quality of life are in significant jeopardy. I don't know anyone personally who has gotten to this level of obesity without there being some level of emotional trauma, disordered eating, etc. underlying their issue.
If you've had a serious conversation about this in the past and he understands the gravity of his choices i'm sorry to say that the likelihood that he's just going to change with your help, guidance, or pressure is pretty slim. I mean, it's not like he got to over 300 pounds because he simply didn't know what healthy food was, or what an appropriate portion size of food was, or that exercise is important for our health, etc. He also didn't get to his size simply for convenience (like because he wasn't having his meals prepared for him). Something internally is driving him to eat these foods in the quantity he's eating them.
Quite frankly I don't think he'll be successful until he has a real coming to jesus talk about his health (like some major scare) or he fixes whatever underlying problem happens to be. I'm not trying to be a debbie downer, and maybe he'll be the exception, but i've rarely seen someone succeed who didn't have the intense internal drive to make a change; let alone someone who has over 100 pounds to lose.
By all means do whatever you can to help support him, make it easier on him, try and set a good example, etc. But i wouldn't keep my hopes up about him changing just because you want him to; that's going to come down to his choices and actions.
The best advice I can give is to focus on your own health, get yourself great results, and maybe he'll finally come to the point where staying the same is more painful than making a change.
I appreciate your post but have to disagree on some points. He is a fairly large guy, even when he is in shape. We aren't talking about a small framed 5 foot 8 inch man. He is over 6 foot and large framed to begin with. No doubt about it, he is overweight, seriously so, but there has been no trauma or emotional issues that have contributed to it. Just as I gained weight over the last 5 years right along with him, to the tune of 70 pounds myself. We just enjoyed life too much and ate with absolutely no abandon. I started my weight loss at 213 and hope to get to 140ish but wouldn't consider myself to have some serious issues. Just as he started at 318 and hopes to get to 220-230. He's overweight and perhaps professional help could be a great thing, but I don't think he's hopeless.5 -
rainbowbow wrote: »The best advice I can give is to focus on your own health, get yourself great results, and maybe he'll finally come to the point where staying the same is more painful than making a change.
Agreed. OP, be the role model demonstrating how effective accurate measuring & tracking can be in losing weight.2 -
You are spot on. Restaurants can be over 40% off in their calorie claims. Plus, adding similar items by title only adds to the margin of error.
1. Aim to eat cleaner. Restaurants don't consider the oil they are cooking things in. Stay away from breads, creamy sauces, fried foods, etc.
2. The calorie number is not the key to weight loss. Check out macros/nutrient info. Is he going over on sugar? Too much sugar means adding fat! I'm also sure you'll see he is eating trans fat which is a huge no-no.
3. Is he logging drinks? Is he measuring his food?
4. What about exercise?
This is why these forums suck sometimes because of terrible advice like this. This is dead wrong. Weight loss is 100% associated with calorie intake vs calories burned. Now if you want to talk about how macros affect health or whatever, fine, but regardless what kind of calories you consume, if that number is less than what you burn, you will lose weight.16 -
I think you're trying to control your husband and it will not end well for you no matter what argument you make.6
This discussion has been closed.
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