I got the dreaded talk last night

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  • Gary6030
    Gary6030 Posts: 593 Member
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    You keep doing what you are doing. My wife and I have had this talk as well. She is now onboard with me and on here logging away. Its hard but you might reach out to her posey267 she might understand his viewpoint. I know she is proud of me but losing 182lbs has been great but I know its been hard for her to deal with the new me!

    I'd like to invite you all to join our TEAM August Challenge. Great daily exercise challenge, weekly eating challenges and team challenges. Lots of fun, support and motivation. Here is our forum post.

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/299772-team-challenge-beginning-august-1st-open-to-all

    Message me if you'd like to be on a team!
  • u2fergus
    u2fergus Posts: 422 Member
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    Oh, that has to be so frustrating. :( I agree with what someone posted earlier... if you're using your phone to log calories right at the table, that can be perceived as rude. (Sometimes I can get away with doing this, sometimes I get the look from my husband and then I just put my phone away and do it later.) Other than that, though, it does NOT sound like you are going overboard here. 20-40 minutes of exercise a day 5-6 days a week is entirely reasonable, and he is not right to complain about that. People regularly DIE of obesity-related health issues, and it can bring your quality of life down very low even if it doesn't kill you. Does he really think that you are going overboard by taking steps to avoid that fate? Yes, you're probably making him feel ashamed of himself for not taking better care of himself, but that doesn't mean that you should have to be unhappy and overweight in your own skin just to make him feel not so bad. Maybe just explain to him that you are trying to take better care of yourself so you can be around longer and enjoy your life together. And you hope that he will do the same for himself (because you care about his well being), but you are not going to force your ways on him, so he should not force his ways on you. Hope it goes well. :-/
  • heatherlee33
    heatherlee33 Posts: 113 Member
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    I totally know what you are going through. My hubby is perfect....no exercise, awesome body......no watching what he eats, still an awesome body. Then there's me, looking like Jack Sprats wife. I think that when I start a new diet he's just waiting for me to give up so that things can go back to normal again. Which sadly is a pretty accurate assessment of what generally happens. So what do you do? Well this is what I do, forget what he thinks or his comments. He clearly has NEVER gone through what you are going through and therefore has no compassion or prior experience to develop any. So, do what you need to do for you, and he will fall in line eventually....who else will fold his undies and hold him at night....no one!
  • giaciccone
    giaciccone Posts: 257
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    He may feel threatened by your new outlook on life and dedication to change. Look for ways to offer reassurance that your love for him is solid. Talk to him about your motivation for the changes and try to find a common ground.

    Sometimes in a relationship if one partner begins to make changes to the status quo either good or bad, it can drive the other away. Very open communication is the key to happiness in relationships.
    I also think this plays a large roll with his Negative Nancy attitude.
  • Monkeylost
    Monkeylost Posts: 132 Member
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    I'd tell him you need support to do this and if he wants you to be happy this is what you really need to do. I had the talk with my Hubby when I started this, we have used it as a project together and are cooking different things in the evenings. We are doing different countries each weekend, weve done Mexican, Indian and Thai so far. He has said he hasn't really noticed that we are eating healthy.

    I dont log my food every time I ea, instead I try to plan the days meals in the morning and then stick to them. I have to do that or I think id cheat! Hope all works out Xxxx
  • HoLynne
    HoLynne Posts: 18 Member
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    Hmm, sounds like he is a bit fearful of losing "the way things were". He also may feel judged or guilty for not trying to be healthier. Just assure him that this is good for you and that the smaller you get the sexier you will feel. Best friends should support each other so I hope he comes around. Good luck and stick with it!
  • johncowart
    johncowart Posts: 40 Member
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    It's because he is not doing it. Like what jgrice was saying. Add that it's so you can be with him longer and have a healthier life when your older and not confined by your bodies.
    But the most important thing is to keep doing what you are doing. Start with YOU.

    My wife doesn't exercise with me, and smokes. I am lucky though I have her support in others ways so it's not the same but I am doing it for ME which in turn is for HER and my children.

    I did tell her one day that I was not going to wait around for her when we are 60 and 70 lugging her oxygen tank around. I was going to go on trips and enjoy life. :) I said it jokingly because I am very well trained. lol.

    John
  • Angela_MA
    Angela_MA Posts: 260
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    Tell him what you are telling us. Let him know how you feel. I am sorry you are not getting the support you need to help you make those necessary changes you want to make in your life. This is always the hardest part about changing, sometimes the people around you do not want you to change or may feel left behind; they do not understand fully why. Number one thing for you to do is to talk to him and understand where he is coming from and make it clear where you are coming from. There has to be a reason why he feels this way (i.e., feeling left behind, maybe he feels you will leave him, insecure with himself...etc). YOu both have to be in full understand of each other.
    I would also suggest logging things in by either planning it and do it in the morning or wait until the end of the day; that way you are not constantly logging in while together. Lifestyle changes do not only effect the person making the changes they effect everyone you know.
  • CaptainMFP
    CaptainMFP Posts: 440 Member
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    Did you try telling him what you just told us?

    I can't think of a valid reason for a man (or woman) to take issue with their significant other improving their health. My wife was on here a couple months before I joined, and I never complained or questioned her time logging food or exercising because I knew #1 how important it was to her and #2 because I knew how much success she was having. A serious talk with him (not nasty but serious) about why you are doing this and why it is important for you to make this lifestyle change sounds in order.

    If it were me (and I'm a bit blunt, so take this with a grain of salt), I would tell him that yes, it is taking over my life. I want to improve my health and appearance and regular exercise and healthy eating are the only way to do this for the long run. Since these improvements are very important to me and since what I'm doing is working, yes, it is taking over my life because I'm trying to change my life. Just a thought.

    Good luck!
  • springtrio
    springtrio Posts: 429 Member
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    When I first started losing weight the summer of 09 my husband and I almost divorced because I was exercising constantly, and he also got upset when I lost weight (he told me he prefers me fat, actually). I make time for him and that seems to please him but he's not on board with me losing and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. The only advice that I can give is give him enough of your time as often as you can, but don't change for him. This if for you, not him. It's been almost 3 years and I've given up trying to get him to come to the "dark side". I give him my time, and keep doing what I love doing.
  • singin_sunrise
    singin_sunrise Posts: 19 Member
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    Do not feel bad about any of what you are doing!!!! A person who cares about you should completely support what you are trying to do. I agree that he probably feels guilty seeing you work out when he doesn't make any healthy efforts in his life, but that is not your fault. Tell him this is not just "a fitness thing". This is a taking care of yourself and building a healthy future thing. He may not need to workout or watch what he eats now, but that will catch up with him, eventually, and he will not have any idea how to deal with it, because he hasn't done the "fitness thing". Don't even feel bad about logging your food at the table. If he isn't being supportive, then don't feel the need to make concessions. Plus, sometimes you don't have a choice about when you search the database when you're out to eat. Try to have a calm conversation with him, explaining that this is a change that you want to permanent in your life and that it hurts you that he is tearing you down instead of being supportive.
  • Nerdy_Rose
    Nerdy_Rose Posts: 1,277 Member
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    I often plan out what I'm going to eat and log it in advance: This doesn't always apply, I know, but it might help you avoid logging at the table.
  • rodneyderrick
    rodneyderrick Posts: 483 Member
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    He feels insecure about the reason you're losing weight, so he's using the phone as an excuse, an argument that alleviates him from telling you the truth about his insecurities. Many people don't handle change well. Sitting on the couch, snacking until bedtime, and watching television was life for so long, and now that you're changing that routine, it's a big deal, at least to him. Even so, you need to encourage him to exercise with you. What's wrong with that? Families that do activities together, stay together. Get him involved.
  • Suziq2you
    Suziq2you Posts: 396 Member
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    My husband tried that crap, too. Basically I told him tough ****. I was doing this for me. Period. 2 months later he joined MFP and has lost 13 pounds.
  • VelcroPooh
    VelcroPooh Posts: 152
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    What did you tell him? Or did you say nothing?
  • kfitz10103
    kfitz10103 Posts: 354
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    Those who aren't on the plan don't understand why we log. My husband doesn't either. If I log in front of him he thinks I am on the phone talking to my MFP peeps instead of spending time with him and he gets jealous. I try to log when he's not around and not at the dinner table. I want my husband to know I love him and to know I treasure time with him. He doesn't understand why I say no to icecream at 10:30 pm when I know I only have 35 calories left for the day. He also doesn't understand why I am hungry, but don't want McDonalds and I opt for carrots or cherries from the fridge. He doesn't understand because he knows me as the girl who eats everything and anytime and never says no to a late night "fourth meal". I think as I become proud of my change he becomes scared of it. I can't make him join me and I won't let him stop me, but I do want to continue my marriage and have to consider his feelings.
  • astroub
    astroub Posts: 289 Member
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    I am sure quite a few of you know the one. The is this fitness thing gonna take over your whole life talk. He says you're on the phone logging everytime you eat and you exercise almost everyday (by the way I usually execise 20-40 minutes 5-6 days a week). This is very discouraging to me because I have to log my food everytime I eat and aren't you normally supposed to try to get some form of exercise almost everyday as part of a healthy lifestyle. He doesn't diet and he doesn't exercise at all and he's really gonna start ticking me off if this becomes an issue for him. I don't nix plans with him to log food or exercise, in fact other than that I am not sitting on the couch watching tv with him every minute of the evening this doesn't effect him at all. I don't try to make him eat healthy or try to make him exercise. I need some advice on how to deal with this?!

    Got this from a FP friend and it has helped me to deal with those who harp me about the same exact thing!
    "Obsession is a word the lazy use for the dedicated"
    Continue to stay dedicated to your journey! You deserve the best and it's about you and no one else! Good luck and I hope this helps!! :)
  • dieselbugparrot
    dieselbugparrot Posts: 160
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    He may have some personal issues that he needs to recognize and address himself. He may be scared that you will improve your looks and have other men stare at you, admire you more. Also, if he sees that you're improving, and he himself is not, he may feel threatened that you'd leave him for a slimmer sexier model. You guys really need to talk and you really need to reassure him that he is a great guy and that you love him.

    This is exactly what I was thinking!!!

    Either he's going to decide to keep up with you or he will constantly try to drag you down. Don't let him get you down. Because if you do, you'll just be sitting on the couch miserable. He's obviously not taking your happiness into consideration right now, he's only focused on his fears.
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,856 Member
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    If you log at the table on your phone that may be a problem. I try to save all my logging for when I am home or alone. I feel like using my phone in general at the table with company or as a guest is rude. Other than that....you have to be obsessed and dedicated to make this work, your diet and exercise routine I mean. It is the way is has to be. You said he does neither so it is just new to him that's all, a ting he has never had to experience full force and right in front of him. Give him more time and maybe do some stuff together?

    idea for people like myself with awful memories and who wish to not log at the table for whatever reason:
    put that camera phone to use. when i'm out with the family or with someone who i know might take offense to my logging, i'll snap a quick photo of my plate and log it later.
  • inskydiamonds
    inskydiamonds Posts: 2,519 Member
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    I am going to agree with the few people who are saying try not to log at the table. I myself log beforehand and then I know how many excess calories I have for the day and what about I can eat if I want more. While this may not work for everyone, it does avoid having to log at the table.

    Frankly, it can ruin the mood and environment when someone is sitting there counting calories as they're being put in their mouth, logging it into the phone. Food times tend to be such social times and if you're constantly logging instead of communicating with him about your day or something, it could potentially be seen as an obsession with the logging.

    I meal plan, so planning ahead is REALLY easy for me. But for instance, today I'm going out to lunch with some coworkers and I don't know what I'm having yet. Rather than pulling out my phone at the lunch table, I know I have ~500 to eat and I can eyeball it and log it when I have some time that isn't around everyone else.

    Texting, going online, or logging food I think can be rude in certain situations. If he's bothered because of that, that's something you guys need to figure out together.

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