I got the dreaded talk last night

2

Replies

  • singin_sunrise
    singin_sunrise Posts: 19 Member
    Do not feel bad about any of what you are doing!!!! A person who cares about you should completely support what you are trying to do. I agree that he probably feels guilty seeing you work out when he doesn't make any healthy efforts in his life, but that is not your fault. Tell him this is not just "a fitness thing". This is a taking care of yourself and building a healthy future thing. He may not need to workout or watch what he eats now, but that will catch up with him, eventually, and he will not have any idea how to deal with it, because he hasn't done the "fitness thing". Don't even feel bad about logging your food at the table. If he isn't being supportive, then don't feel the need to make concessions. Plus, sometimes you don't have a choice about when you search the database when you're out to eat. Try to have a calm conversation with him, explaining that this is a change that you want to permanent in your life and that it hurts you that he is tearing you down instead of being supportive.
  • Nerdy_Rose
    Nerdy_Rose Posts: 1,277 Member
    I often plan out what I'm going to eat and log it in advance: This doesn't always apply, I know, but it might help you avoid logging at the table.
  • rodneyderrick
    rodneyderrick Posts: 483 Member
    He feels insecure about the reason you're losing weight, so he's using the phone as an excuse, an argument that alleviates him from telling you the truth about his insecurities. Many people don't handle change well. Sitting on the couch, snacking until bedtime, and watching television was life for so long, and now that you're changing that routine, it's a big deal, at least to him. Even so, you need to encourage him to exercise with you. What's wrong with that? Families that do activities together, stay together. Get him involved.
  • Suziq2you
    Suziq2you Posts: 396 Member
    My husband tried that crap, too. Basically I told him tough ****. I was doing this for me. Period. 2 months later he joined MFP and has lost 13 pounds.
  • VelcroPooh
    VelcroPooh Posts: 152
    What did you tell him? Or did you say nothing?
  • kfitz10103
    kfitz10103 Posts: 354
    Those who aren't on the plan don't understand why we log. My husband doesn't either. If I log in front of him he thinks I am on the phone talking to my MFP peeps instead of spending time with him and he gets jealous. I try to log when he's not around and not at the dinner table. I want my husband to know I love him and to know I treasure time with him. He doesn't understand why I say no to icecream at 10:30 pm when I know I only have 35 calories left for the day. He also doesn't understand why I am hungry, but don't want McDonalds and I opt for carrots or cherries from the fridge. He doesn't understand because he knows me as the girl who eats everything and anytime and never says no to a late night "fourth meal". I think as I become proud of my change he becomes scared of it. I can't make him join me and I won't let him stop me, but I do want to continue my marriage and have to consider his feelings.
  • astroub
    astroub Posts: 289 Member
    I am sure quite a few of you know the one. The is this fitness thing gonna take over your whole life talk. He says you're on the phone logging everytime you eat and you exercise almost everyday (by the way I usually execise 20-40 minutes 5-6 days a week). This is very discouraging to me because I have to log my food everytime I eat and aren't you normally supposed to try to get some form of exercise almost everyday as part of a healthy lifestyle. He doesn't diet and he doesn't exercise at all and he's really gonna start ticking me off if this becomes an issue for him. I don't nix plans with him to log food or exercise, in fact other than that I am not sitting on the couch watching tv with him every minute of the evening this doesn't effect him at all. I don't try to make him eat healthy or try to make him exercise. I need some advice on how to deal with this?!

    Got this from a FP friend and it has helped me to deal with those who harp me about the same exact thing!
    "Obsession is a word the lazy use for the dedicated"
    Continue to stay dedicated to your journey! You deserve the best and it's about you and no one else! Good luck and I hope this helps!! :)
  • dieselbugparrot
    dieselbugparrot Posts: 160
    He may have some personal issues that he needs to recognize and address himself. He may be scared that you will improve your looks and have other men stare at you, admire you more. Also, if he sees that you're improving, and he himself is not, he may feel threatened that you'd leave him for a slimmer sexier model. You guys really need to talk and you really need to reassure him that he is a great guy and that you love him.

    This is exactly what I was thinking!!!

    Either he's going to decide to keep up with you or he will constantly try to drag you down. Don't let him get you down. Because if you do, you'll just be sitting on the couch miserable. He's obviously not taking your happiness into consideration right now, he's only focused on his fears.
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,850 Member
    If you log at the table on your phone that may be a problem. I try to save all my logging for when I am home or alone. I feel like using my phone in general at the table with company or as a guest is rude. Other than that....you have to be obsessed and dedicated to make this work, your diet and exercise routine I mean. It is the way is has to be. You said he does neither so it is just new to him that's all, a ting he has never had to experience full force and right in front of him. Give him more time and maybe do some stuff together?

    idea for people like myself with awful memories and who wish to not log at the table for whatever reason:
    put that camera phone to use. when i'm out with the family or with someone who i know might take offense to my logging, i'll snap a quick photo of my plate and log it later.
  • inskydiamonds
    inskydiamonds Posts: 2,519 Member
    I am going to agree with the few people who are saying try not to log at the table. I myself log beforehand and then I know how many excess calories I have for the day and what about I can eat if I want more. While this may not work for everyone, it does avoid having to log at the table.

    Frankly, it can ruin the mood and environment when someone is sitting there counting calories as they're being put in their mouth, logging it into the phone. Food times tend to be such social times and if you're constantly logging instead of communicating with him about your day or something, it could potentially be seen as an obsession with the logging.

    I meal plan, so planning ahead is REALLY easy for me. But for instance, today I'm going out to lunch with some coworkers and I don't know what I'm having yet. Rather than pulling out my phone at the lunch table, I know I have ~500 to eat and I can eyeball it and log it when I have some time that isn't around everyone else.

    Texting, going online, or logging food I think can be rude in certain situations. If he's bothered because of that, that's something you guys need to figure out together.
  • marquesajen
    marquesajen Posts: 641
    That is tough! However, you're doing this for you and he is going to have to either get behind it or at least let you be. My husband didn't really get it when I was using a journal, he didn't think he was eating anything over what he needed and when I found this site, well he joined in on his phone- he loves techie stuff. He quickly got on board himself when he realized what he was eating in numbers.

    It sounds to me that he consciously or sub consciously is jealous/is afraid what your new body will bring/feels guilty about his inactivity, etc. It is taking over your life and that is a good thing. You shouldn't have to defend being healthy.

    Unfortunately, this seems like a common theme that I've heard from couples. Even a teacher I had in high school betrayed to us that he and his first wife divorced because she starting doing yoga alot. Yep. It's hard to adjust to change, especially when it's a person you are connected to or perceive as owning.
  • kfitz10103
    kfitz10103 Posts: 354
    Got this from a FP friend and it has helped me to deal with those who harp me about the same exact thing!
    "Obsession is a word the lazy use for the dedicated"
    Continue to stay dedicated to your journey! You deserve the best and it's about you and no one else! Good luck and I hope this helps!! :)
    [/quote]

    Love it!
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    What did you tell him? Or did you say nothing?

    Well I was feeling quite defensive of course, but I kept quiet at first, let him say his piece, and then I asked him how this effected his life and when I have neglected doing something with him to exercise or even log food? He really couldn't answer that because I haven't. I told him I am at a plateau and that is extra hard to get through and I just want to get to my goal weight so I can finally maintain.
  • juleseybaby
    juleseybaby Posts: 712 Member
    I am so sorry to hear that! I worry about it myself.

    Definitely talk with him. Let him know you are dedicated to getting healthy and this is not an option foryou anymore - but a requirement. Make sure he knows that he is still the one you want to be with and that you aren't going anywhere.
  • maureenx
    maureenx Posts: 15
    Ask him to come & join you, he might enjoy it!
  • Queen_Christine
    Queen_Christine Posts: 342 Member
    I agree that logging at the table is rude when in the company of others, even if you explain yourself, most people are going to act like it's ok so as not to make for an uncomfortable situation. Log after or at end of day. Also, you do have to be obsessive to be successful, after a while (quite a while) it will be a habit / lifestyle, and won't feel like an obsession. Your guy does need to see that this is about you, not him. (are you married ?). Sabotage and insecurity may be his motivation. You need to have "the talk" with him to find these things out. Good luck. My hubby and I are doing this together - he's down 89 lbs, I'm down 40.
  • leynak
    leynak Posts: 963 Member
    My fiance told me the other day that I was starting to get obsessed. We didn't really have a "talk" about it he just stated that. He isn't trying to lose weight or exercise. All I thought was "Good, I'd rather be obsessed about my health & fitness than about food like I used to be." I would say don't let it bother you too much, he might come around after seeing how important it is to you. At first my fiance didn't want to do really anything outside but he starting to come with me & our two girls to the park to walk around and stuff. I think he's coming around :)
  • MisterDubs303
    MisterDubs303 Posts: 1,216 Member
    Find a way to include him, and by that I don't necessarily mean convince him to join you. Just help him to feel like he's truly a beneficiary without the sacrifice of lost attention. Your success and enthusiasm accentuates his stagnation, and who wants to address that? It took me over 10 years of avoidance to get off my butt. I think men (or humans) are very sensitive to feelings of being replaced.

    Something very positive is happening in your life that he is not really a part of and he's feeling left behind. Just find something in his life that you can show a little extra enthusiasm toward. Maybe he needs a boost to feel like he's got something special going on in his own life, and you are interested. With that need filled, maybe he won't be as jealous of yours.

    I also imagine it's not unlike how spouses or significant others feel at company parties or get togethers where everyone else is a part of something that they are not. Yeah, they can still enjoy aspects of the party, but they don't get the inside jokes, etc. They can also enjoy it if the participant walks around, introducing them to everyone, but not so much if they just leave the spouse sitting alone at the table while they run around enjoying themselves.
  • Queen_Christine
    Queen_Christine Posts: 342 Member
    Let him read this thread! :flowerforyou:
  • MisterDubs303
    MisterDubs303 Posts: 1,216 Member
    Let him read this thread! :flowerforyou:

    NICE !!! I think that's a great idea. It may provide the language for both of you to discuss what your feelings really are; what's true and not true in your situation.
  • Maggie_Pie1
    Maggie_Pie1 Posts: 322 Member
    I often plan out what I'm going to eat and log it in advance: This doesn't always apply, I know, but it might help you avoid logging at the table.

    I do this too! I started doing that last week, after I discovered the I-phone app, and after you finish logging for the day, it projects what you would way in 5 weeks if every day were like today. I found that to be a great motivator to keep me from cheating. Seriously - because I get this feedback of where I could be in a little over a month if I just stay on the food plan I set for myself for the rest of the day. I just turned down an invitation for mexican food for lunch because I didn't want to screw up the day.
  • bluelillian
    bluelillian Posts: 1
    When my boyfriend (who I live with) started doing the same to me, I called him my "diet saboteur", advised him I was doing this for health reasons not for reasons of wanting to look good (that was a little white lie) however I am doing this for health reasons too. For one month when I went out for my walks or to go zumba he was not always impressed, would complain I was not spending time with him - however after that month he started walking with me, a hour a day now. He may not be the fastest walker but he is making his attempt.

    BEST thing is we talk more now that we ever did, he can not get side tracked by the sports on TV - he does not like some of the diet changes we have made, I make sure a couple times a month I make him a "special meal" of red meat or pasta.

    You have to talk to him, don't take my route of calling him names but I hope that he will see the hard work that you are doing and encourage you.
  • Riebop
    Riebop Posts: 275
    I try to log before hand to avoid logging at the table. I'll log while I'm making dinner. Something go into the pan. Then, something gets logged on MFP. My gets annoyed because it seems to him that I'm always on my phone. It's just that he wants my undivided attention.

    I will say that it took a while for my him to get used to my healthier lifestyle. He wasn't jealous or insecure. He's never any of those things. We are very much co-dependent. Any change that I make for myself indirectly effects him as well. We eat dinner later now because I workout when I get home from work. Therefor, we spend less time in the evening with eachother. So, in return for him understanding that I need my workout time after work, I help him out when he's brewing or bottling beer (one of his newer hobbies). It's not something I really care about, but it makes him happy so I do it.
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    I just want to clear something up, I do not log my food at the table on my phone, I do log everytime I eat but thats usually while I am cooking it. Just wanted to clear that up if it was confusing because it seems to be an issue for some people.
  • elizabethblake
    elizabethblake Posts: 384 Member
    If you log at the table on your phone that may be a problem. I try to save all my logging for when I am home or alone. I feel like using my phone in general at the table with company or as a guest is rude. Other than that....you have to be obsessed and dedicated to make this work, your diet and exercise routine I mean. It is the way is has to be. You said he does neither so it is just new to him that's all, a ting he has never had to experience full force and right in front of him. Give him more time and maybe do some stuff together?

    See, I think it's rude, too, but only if you're doing something like texting a friend, answering emails or making a phone call. However, I recently went out to dinner with my whole family & was logging right in front of them. Most of them asked, "Why are you on your phone right now? Put it away!" But then I explained that I was just tracking my food as I was eating it. My mom looked at me, nodded & told me to go ahead. She was actually really proud of me because I'm sticking with counting my calories & intake. My Dad even said something - which, sometimes it's hard to get that kind of "I'm proud of you" statement out of my dad.

    Honestly, I know it SEEMS rude at first, but if you explain yourself - to most people anyway, because I'm sure you've explained to him with no budging on his attitude - they don't hate you. In fact, a lot of people admire it. It shows dedication - plus, it's not like you're on it the entire night! I'm on there logging my food for 3-4 minutes TOPS!

    Yes, exactly! We were on the way to the beach and a last minute restaurant change meant I had to research the menu options right there at the table, and I did. If I'd known we were eating there, I'd have done it beforehand, but at that point, I needed to know that TGI Friday's hamburger is 1,290 calories v. Ruby Tuesday's hamburger at 482!!! (btw - I had the salmon instead).
  • cheeksv
    cheeksv Posts: 521 Member
    If you log at the table on your phone that may be a problem. I try to save all my logging for when I am home or alone. I feel like using my phone in general at the table with company or as a guest is rude. Other than that....you have to be obsessed and dedicated to make this work, your diet and exercise routine I mean. It is the way is has to be. You said he does neither so it is just new to him that's all, a ting he has never had to experience full force and right in front of him. Give him more time and maybe do some stuff together?

    See, I think it's rude, too, but only if you're doing something like texting a friend, answering emails or making a phone call. However, I recently went out to dinner with my whole family & was logging right in front of them. Most of them asked, "Why are you on your phone right now? Put it away!"

    I think it is weird because growing up I did not have a cell phone or anything crazy like that. I did not get one till I was a senior in high school and it was no smart phone lol. I think that I lean toward the older school " if you are at the table you focus on the people around you" that's just how I am in a lot of aspects of life. I think if you are having a convo with someone and looking at your phone no matter if you are logging or texting it is rude especially if it is just you and one other person. If it is more than one person, then I will wait until AFTER the entire meal is done as long as I am not talking to someone, that time at the end right before everyone leaves but are still sitting and talking and digesting. I would feel ok with excusing myself from the conversation or even the table at that point to log . I just think if it was something that can be done before smart phones and laptops it can wait. I have been told though that I am very Victorian in my way of thinking at times especially for someone my age so please do not take what I am saying as a " how to guide" to dinner with YOUR family. I just like to get on my soapbox when it comes to etiquette because I feel not enough people observe or know the "rules" of it these days.
  • giaciccone
    giaciccone Posts: 257
    If you log at the table on your phone that may be a problem. I try to save all my logging for when I am home or alone. I feel like using my phone in general at the table with company or as a guest is rude. Other than that....you have to be obsessed and dedicated to make this work, your diet and exercise routine I mean. It is the way is has to be. You said he does neither so it is just new to him that's all, a ting he has never had to experience full force and right in front of him. Give him more time and maybe do some stuff together?

    See, I think it's rude, too, but only if you're doing something like texting a friend, answering emails or making a phone call. However, I recently went out to dinner with my whole family & was logging right in front of them. Most of them asked, "Why are you on your phone right now? Put it away!"

    I think it is weird because growing up I did not have a cell phone or anything crazy like that. I did not get one till I was a senior in high school and it was no smart phone lol. I think that I lean toward the older school " if you are at the table you focus on the people around you" that's just how I am in a lot of aspects of life. I think if you are having a convo with someone and looking at your phone no matter if you are logging or texting it is rude especially if it is just you and one other person. If it is more than one person, then I will wait until AFTER the entire meal is done as long as I am not talking to someone, that time at the end right before everyone leaves but are still sitting and talking and digesting. I would feel ok with excusing myself from the conversation or even the table at that point to log . I just think if it was something that can be done before smart phones and laptops it can wait. I have been told though that I am very Victorian in my way of thinking at times especially for someone my age so please do not take what I am saying as a " how to guide" to dinner with YOUR family. I just like to get on my soapbox when it comes to etiquette because I feel not enough people observe or know the "rules" of it these days.

    I understand. I guess my family is a little more understanding if it's something like that. Especially because they're extremely supportive of my new healthy habits. My dad likes to see me logging... now if he sees me texting someone, that's another story. I also like to talk to someone, "What do you think is the best on this menu for me?" It becomes a discussion, we make "bets" & we see who's right. I try to make it fun :)
  • VelcroPooh
    VelcroPooh Posts: 152
    What did you tell him? Or did you say nothing?

    Well I was feeling quite defensive of course, but I kept quiet at first, let him say his piece, and then I asked him how this effected his life and when I have neglected doing something with him to exercise or even log food? He really couldn't answer that because I haven't. I told him I am at a plateau and that is extra hard to get through and I just want to get to my goal weight so I can finally maintain.

    Sure you were feeling defensive. Who wouldn't when you are doing the right thing for yourself. I would say that if he couldn't come up with some valid complaints, then it truly his own insecurity. Either he's scared of losing you, or he's feeling guilty that he isn't doing something himself. We tend to lash out and make scapegoats of the people we care the most about. It's not right, but it's human nature because you know those people are the ones that normally put up with it, or forgive it.

    Talk to him again, in a few days when you can be calm and honest. Let him know that you want to do this for yourself and for both of you because you want to be there for him for many years to come. Let him know that if at any time you do something that makes him feel neglected, to let you know then so you can work out a compromise. Also let him know that you are going to do this and would like to have and really need his support. That he doesn't have to want to do it, he doesn't even have to like it, but he needs to be supportive of your choice to do this.
  • haylz24
    haylz24 Posts: 225
    I am sure quite a few of you know the one. The is this fitness thing gonna take over your whole life talk. He says you're on the phone logging everytime you eat and you exercise almost everyday (by the way I usually execise 20-40 minutes 5-6 days a week). This is very discouraging to me because I have to log my food everytime I eat and aren't you normally supposed to try to get some form of exercise almost everyday as part of a healthy lifestyle. He doesn't diet and he doesn't exercise at all and he's really gonna start ticking me off if this becomes an issue for him. I don't nix plans with him to log food or exercise, in fact other than that I am not sitting on the couch watching tv with him every minute of the evening this doesn't effect him at all. I don't try to make him eat healthy or try to make him exercise. I need some advice on how to deal with this?!


    You need someone to support you! Me and my bf both add our cals to our apps before we eat! I have a brain like a sieve so if i don't, i'll forget! It shouldn't be a problem at all, and sounds like he's jealous!
  • Gilbrod
    Gilbrod Posts: 1,216 Member
    I went through this in May. After all the digging, it came down to my wife thinking I was trying to impress someone else, when in fact I was doing it for her. Go figure :o\. She also had an insecurity about herself. She has joined me since then and is looking sexier than she did before. We're a hot duo. :)
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