Concerned about fiancé...
wilsonunc
Posts: 45 Member
Hi! So for a little background, I'm a long time user of MFP! I was 210 lbs at 5'4", now I'm 135. I quit MFP but monitored my weight and continued to exercise for about a year because I was getting obsessed with calorie counting and was getting very worn out about the whole thing.
I recently got engaged! My fiancé and I have been together for 2 and a half years, and he is my best friend. His relationship with food has been poor ever since I met him. His ex had a complicated relationship with food as well due to being diagnosed with chronic illness and she forced her issues with food on him. When things turned sour, he stress ate like crazy.
Flash forward to now, and he's just under 6 feet and weighs probably close to 300 pounds. I love him to pieces, and I am just very worried about him. He complains of headaches very regularly (like almost every day ...), never sleeps well and feels tired all the time, and has back pain. I have told him again and again to see a doctor, but he won't because he thinks the only solution they will tell him is to eat better and be more active. Whenever I tell him to see a doctor, he always shuts down. I do think how he feels is related to how he is treating his body, but I also think that seeing a doctor would be good to eliminate other health concerns.
I think he has high blood pressure (I work in healthcare and I've taken his BP before and it was pretty bad at the time) and I think he is going to experience other obesity/sedentary related health consequences before too long if he doesn't change.
I try to get healthy foods at the store and have reduced the amount of sweets at the house (his biggest issue by far) to one pint of ice cream (it's Ben and jerry's now). He used to eat ice cream every night, sometimes multiple times and now he is being forced to ration it a little bit because I am the shopper of the house and I only go once a week. I also cook for him as much as I can and I don't eat red
meat so his meals have veggies and lean proteins and whatnot in it. I also offer to go on walks with him or go swimming or go hiking.
I want to help him but I don't want to control him. I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.
He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.
I post this looking for suggestions as to how to help him and encourage him. I know he is unhappy and his health has a negative impact on our relationship. I know the longer he treats himself this way, the more likely he is to develop more serious, irreversable health problems and I want to help him before that happens.
I recently got engaged! My fiancé and I have been together for 2 and a half years, and he is my best friend. His relationship with food has been poor ever since I met him. His ex had a complicated relationship with food as well due to being diagnosed with chronic illness and she forced her issues with food on him. When things turned sour, he stress ate like crazy.
Flash forward to now, and he's just under 6 feet and weighs probably close to 300 pounds. I love him to pieces, and I am just very worried about him. He complains of headaches very regularly (like almost every day ...), never sleeps well and feels tired all the time, and has back pain. I have told him again and again to see a doctor, but he won't because he thinks the only solution they will tell him is to eat better and be more active. Whenever I tell him to see a doctor, he always shuts down. I do think how he feels is related to how he is treating his body, but I also think that seeing a doctor would be good to eliminate other health concerns.
I think he has high blood pressure (I work in healthcare and I've taken his BP before and it was pretty bad at the time) and I think he is going to experience other obesity/sedentary related health consequences before too long if he doesn't change.
I try to get healthy foods at the store and have reduced the amount of sweets at the house (his biggest issue by far) to one pint of ice cream (it's Ben and jerry's now). He used to eat ice cream every night, sometimes multiple times and now he is being forced to ration it a little bit because I am the shopper of the house and I only go once a week. I also cook for him as much as I can and I don't eat red
meat so his meals have veggies and lean proteins and whatnot in it. I also offer to go on walks with him or go swimming or go hiking.
I want to help him but I don't want to control him. I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.
He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.
I post this looking for suggestions as to how to help him and encourage him. I know he is unhappy and his health has a negative impact on our relationship. I know the longer he treats himself this way, the more likely he is to develop more serious, irreversable health problems and I want to help him before that happens.
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Replies
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Unfortunately you can't do it for him or make him do it.People do not change unless they want and choose to, and this goes for all kinds of habits and personality quirks and attitudes and behaviours. As someone who's been with her husband for 17 years I can tell you my experience is you find a way to live with the things you can't change. That's the compromise people always talk about when they say marriage and relationships are "work." It's not compromising on carpet or wood floor, it's literally learning to cope with things that make you crazy because you're melding two lives. So health and weight are a pretty big deal, but he has to have his own moment of truth when it comes to what he's doing to himself and you'll be there to help when he does, but if you push you may get poor results. I also think it's worth mentioning that although your proposals are generally positive, it's still a partner coming at him with food issues.22
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You can't do anything to change him, he has to want to change for himself.
You also can't really control him or manipulate him even if you tried. This usually works for a short period... and then they fall off the wagon again.
Your best bet is to sit down with him and have a coming to jesus talk about his health, your concern, and your desire to support him. Come at him with facts NOT emotions here. For example, his BMI, his high blood pressure, his likelihood for the plethora of chronic diseases associated with obesity.
Once you've got the facts out there you can come in with the home-hitter (with a super positive happy attitude) about how you're so excited to spend the rest of your lives together and that you want him here for that (or your future children, etc.).
The key here is to get the point across that you are open to helping him should he want/need it and that you're pointing out that he's currently in an unhealthy state.11 -
my brother-in-law is the same way. my sister is slim and active and eats well. She's worried about him, and models healthy lifestyle, but she knows she can't make him do anything. the motivation has to come from within. The best you can do is talk and say "i know you don't feel great, and want more energy and to feel better overall. Tell me how I can support you in getting there."2
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This post is full of contradictions. Either you love and accept him for who he is or you don't. You need to decide which one it is before you marry him.17
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ladyhusker39 wrote: »This post is full of contradictions. Either you love and accept him for who he is or you don't. You need to decide which one it is before you marry him.
So... he as a person is related to his size and health and that's it? There's nothing that can be done about his weight because that's just "who he is"?18 -
She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.12 -
She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.
I agree with this, but I disagree with what the previous poster said about it being about "loving him and accepting him like he is".
It's not like OP's fiancé is a few pounds overweight. . .we're talking obesity here and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He's even experiencing health issues and won't go to the doctor to see if there's something wrong besides the weight.
I agree OP can't make him change and I do think she should consider all this before marrying him.9 -
I'm sure your fiancé has many wonderful qualities, but he also sounds depressed and childlike. He sounds very overweight and his refusal to see a doctor and do something about his health problems would give me second thoughts about spending my life with him. Are you ready to be a widow when he has a midlife heart attack? Where is his concern about both you and his own health?10
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Unless he has specifically asked for your help-stay out of it. If you keep on him about it and he doesn't want to change, you could end up losing him (him break up with you). He is obviously already unhappy if he goes out to get what he wants (fast food/the milkshakes).3
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Help him address the emotional eating. He might see a therapist and work on new ways of coping with boredom, loneliness, stress, sadness, anger, whatever that are not food or drink.
I think many emotional eaters know what to do to lose weight but struggle to make lasting changes if they don't learn new tools for their emotional life.
Other than that you are already doing what you can really.0 -
I feel like I'm in the same boat with my husband right now. When we got married, we were both slim and in pretty good shape - and young! Now, 20+ years later, I'm close to my goal after 5 babies, but he is still in the obese category. Here's what I have learned, going through this same issue with him:
Keep doing the things you are doing: doing the shopping and only buying small amounts of sweets, preparing well-balanced, nutritious meals, and exercising yourself. Invite him to go with you, but don't push it when he declines. Your example may, over time, make an impact on him.
Don't scold him when he goes out to eat or has an extra treat. You don't want him to feel like he needs to hide his eating from you (which can lead to other issues, food related and not). Don't try to shame him in to exercising, but maybe find other things he might enjoy: a weekend hike, a round of golf (or mini-golf), an at-home dance party, or something else. It doesn't have to be "formal" exercise, just have fun getting up and moving.
When my husband complains about issues that I think are weight-related, like headaches, back aches, fatigue, etc, I try to be sympathetic. It's hard to not get into the "I told you so" cycle
but it's not helpful. Sometimes I will ask him if he wants to hear my advise again, because he already knows what it will be. It can be very hard for someone to make a big change like this, especially if there are emotional issues involved. (Side note - have you mentioned the possibility of depression to him? It might help for him to talk to a therapist a few times, if he is open to it) 11 -
I don't know....People always say "he/she has to do it for himself, but I think sometimes doing it for someone else at first gets the ball rolling and reminds us that it's what makes us happy anyways.
I've been married 26 years, to a completely non-controlling hubby, but he knows I am happiest (and more pleasant) at a certain size/weight, and he doesn't hide the fact that he likes me best that way, too.
I respond to honesty and tough love. I don't like it in the moment, but I always appreciate it later, as it's what gets my butt in gear when I can't seem to get going on my own.
Might be worth a little tough love. For both of you.4 -
Don't let him stop you. Go walking, running, swimming, to the gym without him. When he asks where you're going, tell him. Invite him to go with you, but don't beg, argue, or even discuss, just invite him, wait for his answer, and leave. Someday he may just surprise you.
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For what it's worth...
Number of times people have expressed concern about my weight and how it affects my health: I don't know. Probably a zillion.
Number of times they succeeded in getting me to take action: Zero.
I had to find my own reasons and my own way. No other person was going to change that. You can hope for change later on, and I truly hope it happens, but odds of you causing the change to happen are very slim. You have to accept that you're marrying a sick man.26 -
She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.
I agree with this, but I disagree with what the previous poster said about it being about "loving him and accepting him like he is".
It's not like OP's fiancé is a few pounds overweight. . .we're talking obesity here and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He's even experiencing health issues and won't go to the doctor to see if there's something wrong besides the weight.
I agree OP can't make him change and I do think she should consider all this before marrying him.
To clarify: I am not saying OP shouldn't marry her fiancé because of his weight.
I am saying if she cannot be okay with him being at any weight -- including heavier than he is now -- she shouldn't marry him. Both of them will end up resentful and miserable.
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She won't be able to make him get healthy. So yeah, she needs to decide whether she's willing to marry a man who very well may always have health problems that are at least in part related to his weight.
If she can't accept him as he is now, she shouldn't marry him since there's no guarantee he'll change.
OP, this a minor derail but I think it's the only thing you have control over.
I agree with this, but I disagree with what the previous poster said about it being about "loving him and accepting him like he is".
It's not like OP's fiancé is a few pounds overweight. . .we're talking obesity here and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He's even experiencing health issues and won't go to the doctor to see if there's something wrong besides the weight.
I agree OP can't make him change and I do think she should consider all this before marrying him.
To clarify: I am not saying OP shouldn't marry her fiancé because of his weight.
I am saying if she cannot be okay with him being at any weight -- including heavier than he is now -- she shouldn't marry him. Both of them will end up resentful and miserable.
As someone that has gone through this, I agree. My ex-fiancé was content with playing video games all day while I wanted to go out and be active. Needless to say, I began to resent him because we no longer had the same interests. We essentially just became roommates, which inevitably led to the break up.
OP, you're going to have to really sit down and think about what you want. As others have said, its highly unlikely you're going to change him. He needs to decide to do it on his own. One day it might happen, which would be wonderful. Or it might never happen. At the end of the day, are you okay with that? Can you live out the rest of your lives accepting this? It is clear that you care about him; however, these are questions you need to seriously consider.
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I think there's a lot of good advice here - tough, but good. I feel for you, OP, because this is a hard set of issues to deal with.
For what it's worth, here's what I think:
- First, I think it's important to do some soul-searching, as others have said, and decide if you can deal with the fact that he may never change, may have increasing health problems, and may die young. Obviously that's the worst case, and I hope it won't come to that, but if you can't face that, it might be best not to marry him. Marriage is a total commitment to a person, both as they are now, and at their worst in the future. Don't assume they will change for the better.
- Assuming you decide you can handle the outcome if he doesn't change, I would sit him down and have a serious, straight-up talk with him about your concerns, the health risks he is facing, and why you, as his friend and ally, feel deeply that he needs to face up to this issue and change his behaviour. Emphasise that you will help and support him in any way you can. Emphasise also that you are not going to nag or badger him on this. It is his deal, but you are there for him if he wants help.
- Then I would leave it, and only talk about it again if he invites your help. Revisiting the issue over and over may only make him more reluctant to tackle it. If he asks for help or advice, give it, otherwise leave it.
- Meanwhile, don't let his behaviour affect yours. Keep pursuing your own goals. I don't know if he has any tendency to sabotage, hopefully not, but don't let him if so. Your goals are your goals.
I hope this helps and I hope that you find a good balance that can work for everyone. Best of luck.0 -
I think it's okay to tell him that you need him to take care of his health so that he will be around for your future. Tell him that you need him to be here with you for a long time. After that, tell him that you will back off (and do so). There's nothing you can do to make him adopt healthier habits, and nagging him will probably push him further away from the behaviors you'd like to see. Be prepared to support him in any changes he wants to make, but he needs to take the lead now.5
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I'm sure your fiancé has many wonderful qualities, but he also sounds depressed and childlike. He sounds very overweight and his refusal to see a doctor and do something about his health problems would give me second thoughts about spending my life with him. Are you ready to be a widow when he has a midlife heart attack? Where is his concern about both you and his own health?
This ^
I'd have serious reservations about spending my life with someone with these issues. I have, in fact, broken up with someone who was admittedly depressed and refused to do anything about it.5 -
Congrats on your personal weight loss! Re: fiance, the first thing that popped into my mind is that your fiance has the classic symtpoms of sleep apnea. He reallly should see a doc about this, it is a serious potentially deadly condition. Im not saying he has this, but many many people do and some of his symptoms match.5
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OP -- your post sounds like you are very understanding, compassionate, and loving. So my question is, how comfortable are you with being DIRECT as well? Not just being direct about "you need to eat better and be more active" (not pushing a specific solution) but "I am worried about your health. Are you worried too? Do you want to get better? How can we work together to develop a plan so you can get better? What is stopping you/us from making a plan?" Be direct about your worry, and about your expectation that as his partner, you intend to be here for him to support him in making a plan and getting better.
I'm not saying it will be easy, or that it's not scary. But you really sound like you're emotionally prepared to handle it!3 -
Hi! I'm the OP and want to thank all of you guys for your responses!
1. I definitely don't want to force him to do anything. I don't want to be like his past girlfriend (despite having food issues like her), who cut things out of his diet because she couldn't have them, etc. My mom was very interested in my weight growing up and I kind of blame her for my food issues. She would punish me for having off limit treats, and put me on a special k diet which was extremely calorie-and-nutrient-restrictive. All I want to do is talk to him and express my concern as his partner. He can do what he will with it. I will try to drop it after that, I agree that nagging will not do any good.
2. Can I nag him about going to see a doctor? Because he definitely needs to see one and I don't know what else to do. It has been a year since he's been, and he needs to get checked out to make sure it isn't something other than lack of activity and poor diet that is causing him to be so unhappy.
3. I have thought about what would happen if he continues on this path and ends up in poor health/passes away early in life. It is a very upsetting for me to think about, but yes, I will be there for him in sickness and in health. Thinking about it happening is horrible and I want to avoid that, but I know he would do the same for me and I want to be on his side no matter what happens.
4. My fiancé has diagnosed anxiety and depression and is medicated for both but no longer sees a therapist.
5. His weight is not the reason I want him to change. I mean, it will change as the result of being more active and eating better (NOT dieting) but he was overweight when I fell in love with him, and my main concern is his unhappiness (his headaches, fatigue, back pain) and his energy levels and how it affects our relationship. I love him for him, and he is way more than his weight.
6. I had considered sleep apnea! He does snore a lot when he sleeps and he sleeps just as long as I do (as far as I know, he may wake up while I'm sleeping) but still experiences sleepiness. I have even listened to his snoring to see if I could catch apneic episodes, but no luck XD I'll bring it up with him. One thing I may have not mentioned is that we moved states (one state over) and his sleeping problems seem to have gotten worse. We've put in a window air conditioning unit (our apartment unfortunately does not have air conditioning ...), put up blackout curtains, and I've tried sleeping in a different room (I was on vacation while he had to work) to see if I was the culprit. He still is sleeping poorly.
7. He's great at encouraging me to be healthy, which is confusing for me in terms of his own health. He is great at reminding me how good I will feel after a workout when I'm dragging my feet.
8. I am terrible at being direct. I have told him that I wish he took better care of himself, but I haven't really expressed how much I worry about him and how it keeps me up at night sometimes. Or how worried I am for our future if he keeps treating himself this way.5 -
OP, when I was your age I was bad at being direct but trust a middle-aged lady, it's worth it to work on it. If you're a loving compassionate person then the people around you will only appreciate you more for it. It will remind them that you care. Just focus your statements on your care for him and that it's all about him, not what you want and you're not forcing or controlling him in any way. You're not trying to change him, you're trying to clear a path for him to feel better and be happier. Honestly, given the depression it sounds like he just needs help opening a line of communication up to understand what's getting in his way.
I do not advise you to "nag" him or tell him what to do, that's a different thing entirely. Unless of course, after talking to him about a plan he actually /asks/ you to keep him accountable to the plan. That's a good thing.
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One tip is to write down your concerns then read your letter to him or have him read it on his own.2
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Living with him and sleeping with him make it much more difficult for you to set boundaries with him. If you weren't so connected you wouldn't be so confused. He either gets help and takes steps to get better or you need to leave until he does.0
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Allergies?0
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I sort of feel your pain. My boyfriend is a little bit farther along in that he recognizes his life would be better if he ate better and exercised, but he hasn't gotten to the decision point. So I'm eating better and weighing things out, and he'll get the fast food or want pancakes in the morning and ice cream at night. I very consciously do not make him feel bad about his choices (coming from a childhood where I was shamed and berated for my body and food choices, I know exactly where this leads). But I do offer information when he asks questions, and I offer to cook healthier things if he wants them.
He likes documentaries and science, so sometimes I'll engage him in conversation about food science and health debates and we'll watch documentaries on the topic. Maybe find a non-confrontational way to bring the topic up to him like this?
Also, positive reinforcement works. If he makes a healthier choice, celebrate it. If he shows concern for his health and expresses a wish to change, make sure he knows you recognize how big a step that is in itself. But I would suggest as the others above have that you stay away from controlling, restricting, or criticizing.
As for the doctor... I'm totally with you on this one. My boyfriend has been struggling with sleep apnea for years and years, and I have been suggesting that he see a doctor for it. I think he is avoiding the doctor because he's afraid of what he'll hear. I know I can't force it, I know I can't push him, but I'm concerned and anxious for his health as well.
I've been considering options for it... Ranging from springing a surprise doctor appt on him (probably not a good idea) to making a bargain with him (something he wants for promising to make a doctor's appt and GOING). Not sure what to do.
Maybe have a conversation where you completely open your heart up and express your concern for his health, not based on his weight but his unhappiness with it and his pain? I did successfully convince my boyfriend to stop smoking years ago, but not through nagging or forcing it, but because I just sincerely, honestly opened up to him about my anxiety about our future and his health. My emotions overcame me and I started to cry, and he asked in astonishment if I was crying because of my fear for his health. When I told him yes, I think he really took it to heart. It was gradual, but that was the point where he started to work toward quitting.
Yeah now that I think of it, I think the direct heart-to-heart approach might be best.
Good luck!0 -
I have two family members who resisted going to the doctor, but eventually went and both were given a sleep apnea diagnosis. They have that CPAP (?) thing and report much better sleep, and less fatigue during the day. One of them also had his depression meds adjusted, which he told me really made a difference.
Would you consider going to a counselor yourself? Maybe talking through your anxiety about his health would help you learn some communication skills and help you learn to be more direct with him. If you're losing sleep over his health, it might be worth exploring how to cope with your worries, too.2 -
^^ such good advice above!
Best wishes to you, OP. A lot of people (don't want to be a jerk and assume "all" people) go into marriage with the intention of it being a lifetime partnership through ups and downs. That can be a long time.
As one who has seen what obesity & uncontrolled diabetes looks like in old age, I will say long term prospects merit sober contemplation before making a commitment. The caregiving is a one way street that consumes all the emotional and financial resources you throw at it. And things only get worse. MFP boards have seen many posters of spouses who are at their wit's end emotionally and looking at bankruptcy (when they thought they would be looking at retirement) because a spouse doesn't want to deal with their health problems like a responsible adult. And then the MFP commenters say brutally, "You knew what you were getting into," "It's your fault you expected him to change," "Dump him before he drags you both down." I believe you that you love him for the person he is. You owe it to yourself to be realistic, though, about long term responsibilities in the marriage. It sucks when you are the only one acting responsible.7
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