Need advice about hubby and my weight loss impacting our relationship...
Spartan_Gingi
Posts: 194 Member
I'm hesitant to post anything on here, but I'm looking for genuine advice, and don't want the biased input from my wonderful family 
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I've lost 55 lbs, I feel great, I run approx 80 miles per MONTH (not week as I accidentally posted to start with), and am overall very happy with my results thus far. **IN RESPONSE TO COMMENTS: I wake up with him at 530, run at 6, once he leaves to work, and am at work by 830 myself**
My problem is this:
My husband (we've been together for 4 years now) is overall a fantastic guy. He's great for me, with the kids, and a very stable, great looking guy. Lately, he's been....off. I've been dressing better, paying attention to my looks a little more, and the running has done wonders for not only my weight loss, but for my recomp as well.
I've never cheated, in my life. Never suspected him of (or accused him of) cheating either. To my knowledge, I've never given him any reason to think I'd cheat. I work a 50 hr job (at least) per week, and spend the rest of my time home with him and the kids.
Lately he's been making weird little comments about "who's texting" or "why are you still working this late?" Keep in mind, he can look through my phone at any time. We've both always been open that way. I think he's got a larger jealous streak than I've realized in the past, and I'm only seeing it now because other people are finding me attractive too.
I'm hurt, and I don't know how to make this better, and to approach his attitude about this. I've tried, but my first response is always to shut down, and to nurse my hurt.
Suggestions/insight would be greatly appreciated.
I don't need "divorce him" as a suggestion, lol. I adore him, and I know he adores me. I'm just not sure how to approach this hurdle?
Thanks in advance!!
.I've lost 55 lbs, I feel great, I run approx 80 miles per MONTH (not week as I accidentally posted to start with), and am overall very happy with my results thus far. **IN RESPONSE TO COMMENTS: I wake up with him at 530, run at 6, once he leaves to work, and am at work by 830 myself**
My problem is this:
My husband (we've been together for 4 years now) is overall a fantastic guy. He's great for me, with the kids, and a very stable, great looking guy. Lately, he's been....off. I've been dressing better, paying attention to my looks a little more, and the running has done wonders for not only my weight loss, but for my recomp as well.
I've never cheated, in my life. Never suspected him of (or accused him of) cheating either. To my knowledge, I've never given him any reason to think I'd cheat. I work a 50 hr job (at least) per week, and spend the rest of my time home with him and the kids.
Lately he's been making weird little comments about "who's texting" or "why are you still working this late?" Keep in mind, he can look through my phone at any time. We've both always been open that way. I think he's got a larger jealous streak than I've realized in the past, and I'm only seeing it now because other people are finding me attractive too.
I'm hurt, and I don't know how to make this better, and to approach his attitude about this. I've tried, but my first response is always to shut down, and to nurse my hurt.
Suggestions/insight would be greatly appreciated.
I don't need "divorce him" as a suggestion, lol. I adore him, and I know he adores me. I'm just not sure how to approach this hurdle?
Thanks in advance!!
1
Replies
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Been there sort of. Just be up front & ask if he would like to talk about anything. Or next time he asks you questions, ask if he has any reason to think you were up to something. It's all in his head, but if you are willing to be open & talk about it, it might make him realize there is no threat to your relationship. Make time to spend together & let him know you're still crazy about him. But realize he's got work to do too, since his jealousy is unfounded. He needs to be willing to work on it.15
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Just tell him that you were concerned about your health and decided to get active and do something about it. Also add so you two can be together for a long time and enjoy a better quality of life. If he is overweight or inactive suggest he can join in too. People will always make a fuss over you when you lose that much weight mostly to congratulate you or as a compliment. Nobody ever "hit" on me because I lost weight.3
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I think you should try to see this from his side of things. Not saying either of you are right or wrong, but I think you could both use some prospective.
You already work 50+ hrs a week and now you're running approx 80 miles a week, dressing better, putting more effort into your appearance, etc. Which is great! But from his side of things now his wife who doesn't see a lot because of work is now suddenly dressing better and spending more time on her appearance.
I could see where that might make anyone a little paranoid. I would try not to be offended, I would just laugh it off, and assure him that nothing is going on.7 -
Maybe he just misses you? 50 hour minimum work week plus 80 miles running is a lot. Just a guess. The only way to know is to have an honest conversation about it.4
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There are a lot of "how to catch a cheater" articles that lead with "If they suddenly start caring more about how they look..." - you don't know what other input he may be getting than just your interactions with him... from things he reads, or friends, or just his own imagination running wild.
My guess - He's feeling threatened, and doesn't want to lose you.
Now you have a few great suggestions above on how to approach this... and I think you SHOULD approach it sooner than later, because if it is left to fester, it will only get worse.8 -
Wow, I missed the 80 miles running a week part. I try to run 20 to 30 a week and if I wasn't doing that before she woke up she would probably get an attitude. Not because she is thinking cheater but because it takes a lot of time together away. I don't play golf for the same reason.2
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Congrats on your loss and your progress - that's great! Good for you for putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. You can't take care of others until you take care of YOU.
Per your comment:"I'm hurt, and I don't know how to make this better, and to approach his attitude about this. I've tried, but my first response is always to shut down, and to nurse my hurt." You've made changes to improve your physical health so it's just as important to make changes to improve our mental health. I think you see that shutting down and staying hurt isn't healthy so take a different approach. Open up. Communicate. Tell him you are hurt that he is distrusting you. All you can do from there is continue doing what you're doing and it will be up to him to accept your honesty or not.
After a while, if it doesn't improve and continues to be unhealthy for you, then you may need to reevaluate, but I hope that isn't the case.6 -
I'm kinda with the others. 50 hrs per week, plus the 80 miles per week, I'm not sure how far you are running daily and how long that takes. Adding in the kid and their time. However, Im sure he is feeling a little lonely, then combine that with weight loss and dressing better.
I understand the shut down thing... that's how i react to things of the same nature. You have to force yourself to address this with your husband.
Ask him what would make him feel better about the situation?2 -
You're getting more attractive...he knows that and is feeling a bit insecure I think...spend more time than normal on "him" ...cuddle with him more....compliment him more....initiate intimacy more...and TELL him that you find him the most attractive...("Oh baby you make me feel so hot..." kinda stuff) Stuff that will stroke his ego (or anything else that needs stroking). I am not trying to make a joke out of this, but you need to play with him....I'm just looking at it from a guy's perspective....Enjoy!!!!12
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From a male perspective:
Communication is the "KEY". Talk to him as much as you can to reassure him. My wife and I started at the same time to lose weight and she gave up after a month. She admits to me that she just doesn't have the discipline to workout every day. My wife did change her cooking habits for the both of us and I'm getting a lot of compliments but I make sure that I communicate and show her more and more LOVE! Losing weight is a combination of a lot things and my wife has helped me in this journey. This MFP is a tool and should only be an encouragement to keep you on your health journey. I know getting fit can be addicting and I work out either early morning or late night to make sure my wife is secure with the both of US. Finding balance is the key and keep reassuring your husband. Best of luck! 9 -
Tell him that your family is your number one priority. You would never do anything to jeopardize that.
Tell him how much you love him. Show him how much you love him.
Give him more attention, and open up the communication.
Ask him to work out with you, if he doesn't run, find things you can do together so you keep active.
You have made changes that make you feel better, make sure he knows why you are doing it.
Men want to be respected.
A few years ago I stopped working out and eating healthy. It was getting in the way of my relationships. My fiancé was always wondering where I was going, and we did not spend time together like we had in the past. He refused to work out with me and we were not going to dinner where he wanted because there were no healthy options for me. I completely stopped my healthy lifestyle to make sure my relationship would survive. Looking back on this, I believe we could have come up with a more balanced approach.
I am trying now to balance between being healthy and still enjoying "unhealthy things" so I can spend quality time with my loved ones. Go eat at the pizza place, sit and enjoy a few beers, skip a workout to watch tv with him.
It sounds like you have your priorities straight, family is always first in my book.
Make sure that he knows that you would do anything to make it work and him be happy.4 -
It really doesn't sound like he's jealous so much as insecure...you aren't responsible for his self-esteem, however, you can certainly have an impact on it and you making changes in your life seems to have put him on some unstable ground...you can try to stabilize that a bit...like how much attention are you giving him in an average day...how excited are you to get home to him every night...are you over the moon excited when he pays attention to you...do you ask him if he likes your new dress (or whatever cute new outfit you are now fitting in to)...does he understand that one of the perks of you being fit is that he gets to have a sexy wife that's totally crazy about him...have you gotten any new bedroom outfits lately - 'cause we all know those are really gifts for the guys, not so much gifts for us...
It may be difficult to reach out to him when he has hurt your feelings, but the reality is someone has to bridge that chasm of pain or it's just going to keep growing. My experience has been that difficult conversations are best had after sex, men are less defensive and more receptive after a good lay...but whatever timing you choose, it's time you told him that his behavior is hurting you, otherwise he'll probably never figure it out...god bless 'em, men are so clueless.5 -
Just ask him if he wants to talk about anything. This kind of happened with my wife...part of the problem was the amount of time I was spending away from the family...work, on the bike, in the gym, etc...it helped me realize that I was putting a lot of things before my family and I was training like I was going to go ride a century on any given day...I still workout quite a bit, but not as much as before and I make sure that I'm putting my family and family time first.
The other issue was that she had noticed that I was getting more attention from women and that women, including some of her girl friends were being kind of flirty with me (apparently I'm oblivious to such things)...she didn't really deep down think I was cheating, but it crossed her mind and would wonder if I was really out on a 4 hour bike ride or not...
We talked...figured it out...all is well...12 -
I also should state, that my hubby is not a fan of my getting up at 5:15 mon-fri and 7:30 on Saturdays to work out. He'd rather have me in the bed sleeping next to him. The side effect of waking up that early is Im sleepy by 9pm some nights. Then he is grumpy because our only a lone time is after 9 and Im nodding out on the sofa.
So you are not alone in this. So understand the need to balance family, health and work1 -
Have a conversation with your husband...3
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Sit down and talk with him. Tell him what you suspect he's feeling, and reassure him that he's the only one for you. Maybe set aside some time to go out on a date a couple times a month, just you and him.2
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Lots of good advice here from people who have been where you are, OP. I agree with what most are saying, communicate with your hubs to let him know he is still #1, and make sure you are showing him attention so he feels loved and special. Gratz on your losses.4
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why do men think women lose weight and start looking after themselves for someone else. i lost 49lb so far and ive done it for myself and my own health . i am also married and want to look nice for my husband,you both love eachother so sit down and talk . well done on the weight loss, doesnt it feel great....5
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"I run approx 80 miles per MONTH (not week as I accidentally posted to start with), and am overall very happy with my results thus far. *"
OK people please read again the OP. @Spartan_Gingi corrected her previous statement she is running 80 HOURS A MONTH NOT A WEEK.3 -
I am going to say talk to him as well. My husband has watched me lose weight and he knows why I do it (my health, our future, etc) and being clear and up front about that is key. And I have even inspired him to lost weight on his own! Just be really straightforward and honest with him- it sounds like a misunderstanding. I think that is most important right now 3
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I guess I'm lucky in that my partner and I are extremely open and honest. Communication was the number one priority when we got together, and we both abide by that. Any issues is addressed as quickly as possible - we don't generally have real arguments because of this. He's also very involved with my weight loss journey (he does the majority of the cooking in our home) so I think it helps him feel like part of what I'm doing.
All that to say - talk to him. Be honest. Tell him what you're thinking and feeling. But do it when you can have the conversation calmly (when you're not feeling hurt or emotional about it). Hope you're able to get through this with him!5 -
Thank you all for the input, I truly do appreciate it. Sometimes it's nice to get a fresh perspective!!6
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I also should state, that my hubby is not a fan of my getting up at 5:15 mon-fri and 7:30 on Saturdays to work out. He'd rather have me in the bed sleeping next to him. The side effect of waking up that early is Im sleepy by 9pm some nights. Then he is grumpy because our only a lone time is after 9 and Im nodding out on the sofa.
So you are not alone in this. So understand the need to balance family, health and work
Yup - I am so, so thankful for my fiance, and I make sure he knows that I see his awesome. I get up for the gym M/W/F at 4:40. This wakes him up 100% of the time. I get up before him on T/Th probably 75% of the time - when I do, it always wakes him up. On Saturdays, I get up at 6 to go to the gym. This wakes him up 100% of the time. He doesn't mind the sleep deprivation (I could not deal if our roles were reversed) and because I'm getting up early and getting to work early and coming home on time, my gym time doesn't take time away from him/us.
...Except that I am tired, need to go to bed early, and am occasionally brutally sore. Our love life has declined a bit since I started really committing to my health. If my fiance were to get jealous or suspicious, I think this would be one of the drivers.
I only get 24 hours in a day, so by choosing to spend a one more hour/day focused 100% on me, something had to give, and that definitely was "us time."1 -
I had a similar issue with my husband at first. So we had a talk about it, and then I ignored all of his jealousy after that talk until he had it reigned in and under control. Might not work in your situation, but it did work in mine.2
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essexgirl1971 wrote: »why do men think women lose weight and start looking after themselves for someone else. i lost 49lb so far and ive done it for myself and my own health . i am also married and want to look nice for my husband,you both love eachother so sit down and talk . well done on the weight loss, doesnt it feel great....
For the same reason that women think the same when men start looking after their appearance.
A change in routine prompts the internal question 'Why', and human nature usually provides the worst answer...
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A few thoughts:
-Have a talk with him about your goals, your plans to reach them, and why they are important to you. Obviously there are the basic health reasons, but when I started out I never knew how empowering taking control, losing weight, and meeting fitness goals I set would feel. He may not realize how these things can boost you without external feedback from anyone else. Also the more he know and understands what you are doing hopefully the more comefortable he will feel.
- Thank him for his support. Even though he isnt being overly supportive right now if you let him know you appreciate the bit you are currently getting you may encourage him more in that direction.
- It is really hard not to shut down when questions like that are raised, but it doesn't help anything when you do. Being direct without being confrontational is usually the best approach. If he starts with the questions I would just say something along the lines of "I care about you and this relationship. If this is something we need to talk about I would like to do that now ( or whenever depending on the situation)"
- lacy things never hurt, let him share in your confidence boost too
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essexgirl1971 wrote: »why do men think women lose weight and start looking after themselves for someone else. i lost 49lb so far and ive done it for myself and my own health . i am also married and want to look nice for my husband,you both love eachother so sit down and talk . well done on the weight loss, doesnt it feel great....
For the same reason that women think the same when men start looking after their appearance.
A change in routine prompts the internal question 'Why', and human nature usually provides the worst answer...
And as I mentioned up thread, sometimes you start getting a little more attention and looks and whatnot from people of the opposite sex...which can tend to make one a bit on edge I think...0 -
My mom used to teach Weight Watchers, and she has said this is very common. She used to see husbands bring their wives chocolate just when they started to get noticeably thinner and take a renewed interest in their appearance!
Sometimes if you can't talk to someone without getting emotional, you can put your feelings in a letter. Try writing him. This way you can go over what you want to say and make sure you say it right. He needs to be reassured you love him. That should be the beginning, middle and end of what you have to say: you love him, and only him.
Making some extra time to show off your new body for him might help too.2 -
Make time for just the two of you... date night with no kids.. with all those hours you work he might just miss you... maybe ask him to run with you once in awhile "even if it means going at his pace". Also communicate.... he cant read your mind and you cant read his. Newly married so I may be way off but its worth a shot... Dont forget to compliment him more too..2
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