Scared to lose weight even though I know I should to be healthy

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anacline
anacline Posts: 13 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I'm on the 2nd bout of weight loss after the first one ended in catastrophe for my health. I'm 5'5" and usually 200lbs and thought getting my BMI down to 20 would be a good thing last time I lost weight. I did't factor in the fact I gain muscle mass quite easily and by the time I got my weight down to 130 pounds I had roughly 110 pounds of lean mass from working out 5 days a week for 1-2 hours each day. So I had 15% body fat, it felt awful! I did get my weight down to 125 lbs but that was due to the week I lost 5 lbs because I had gotten a job as an dorm assistant. I was planning on maintaining my weight at 130lbs but the abuse at work made sure I was both BMI 20 and in the hospital.

Skip the next paragraph if you don't want to hear my rant about that job...

During training week they wouldn't let me leave the dorm to get dinner and served foods with cinnamon for breakfast which I am allergic to (asthma/anaphylaxis). Just being in the same room with the scent sets off asthma attacks and my inhaler ran out the 2nd day there... So combined with minor asthma attacks, taking lots of benadryl, lots of working - 16 hours a day (7am to 11pm, of which I was only paid 3 of those hours at $7.50/hour BTW, AND I had to paid for my room too so no other compensation was given) and eating only 1 meal a day (usually just a turkey sandwich and water) I lost 5 lbs, fainted and was brought to the hospital in an ambulance on the 5th day of that torture. All the bones in my chest between my breasts were completely visible the day I was brought to the hospital and my eyes were sunken in. I was of course never checked into the hospital, I woke up just as we arrived, and I didn't have money to basically have the hospital check me in and do the thing that my employers were supposed to be doing; LETTING ME EAT SOMETHING! I ate some food at the hospital cafeteria, felt immensely better in about 2 hours after it digested, and was back at work the same day. Thankfully the college paid for the ambulance ride because they knew they F---ed up. After that I snuck out at midnight (did not tell my boss I was leaving the dorm because she would have told me no) and went to taco bell and ordered 20 bean burritos to eat at work for the next week. I know living on turkey sandwiches and stale week old bean burritos also isn't healthy, but I did what I had to do to survive. After I quit that job I found out most people were fed real food by their graduate director bosses for dinner or were at least allowed to order pizza and went to bed at 10pm. My graduate director boss lady was a complete narcissistic b--ch and didn't give a s--t if I fainted from hunger. And I found out half the work I was doing from 6pm to 11pm that week she was personally responsible for doing herself while she sat in her apartment and watched TV and ate food from her full kitchen she was furnished. Needless to say after that job I gained back all my weight not because I wanted to (I only wanted to gain back 15 lbs) but because I had developed a severe case of food insecurity and was afraid if I didn't eat as much as I could whenever food was available I was going to faint again.

Ok end of rant...

So even before all that, the entire time my BMI was under 24 I felt like I was dying! I realize some women can deal with having low body fat but apparently my body just decides to make me blind when I physically exert myself, get nauseous, dizzy, and lower by blood pressure to 80/50. So I gained back all my weight and I'm starting from scratch again. To avoid the mistakes of last weight loss attempt I'm going to try to lose weight slowly... only thing is I'm eating 500 calories more per day than last time I lost weight and yet I'm losing weight at the exact same rate. Almost point for point in my excel sheet where I track my weight for the last few weeks its been the same weight loss. I'm eating 1500 calories a day and eating back my workout calories and yet I'm losing 5 lbs a week. I'm both excited and scared. Is this just because I've just started and water weight loss is the same for everyone regardless of calorie deficit? I guess we'll see in the upcoming weeks if I level out to 1 lbs a week or 2 lbs a week. My goal is just to lose 1 lb a week, take it slow and easy and listen to by body when it fells like enough is enough. I don't need to end up in the hospital again. And that makes me scared to death of losing weight too quickly or too much. I know being 200lbs is not healthy but I also know from experience being under 145lbs is also absolutely not healthy for me.

I don't need someone to push me to lose weight fast with dangerously low calorie counts and dangerously high amount of workouts, I need someone who knows what weight loss rate is healthy and can be supportive about eating a proper diet with enough calories to completely avoid any negative health outcomes. Even if that means not losing weight for a while. Even if that means maintaining a BMI that's considered overweight. This website is about health isn't it? Not statistical numbers, losing weight, gaining abs, and fitting into a size 2. Correct?

So far the only one I've met to fit that bill is myself, even doctors seem to have corrupted views on what it means to be at a healthy weight. I've even had doctors go so far as to say to me that fainting is completely normal at a normal weight. I don't think so.
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  • nowine4me
    nowine4me Posts: 3,985 Member
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    Is someone pushing you to lose quickly? It's your body.

    I'm 5-6" and 144#, moderately active. I lose 1# per week at 1700, .5# per week at 1900 and maintain at about 2200. If you really want to go slowly this time, up your calories.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    I'm eating 1500 calories a day and eating back my workout calories and yet I'm losing 5 lbs a week. I'm both excited and scared. Is this just because I've just started and water weight loss is the same for everyone regardless of calorie deficit? I guess we'll see in the upcoming weeks if I level out to 1 lbs a week or 2 lbs a week. My goal is just to lose 1 lb a week, take it slow and easy and listen to by body when it fells like enough is enough. I don't need to end up in the hospital again. And that makes me scared to death of losing weight too quickly or too much. I know being 200lbs is not healthy but I also know from experience being under 145lbs is also absolutely not healthy for me.

    I would stop comparing to the past.

    How long has it been since you starting eating 1500 calories plus exercise calories? If it has been 1 week keep on and the rate will probably slow soon. If it has been 3 weeks or more of losing 5 lbs a week you probably have want to look at your calorie goal and increase it by a couple hundred calories to slow things down.
    Are you sure your activity level before exercise is right? Maybe you are more active than you think and should change that setting. You might need to eat more like 1800 or 2000 plus your exercise calories.

    There is nothing wrong with choosing a goal weight more toward the top of the healthy range for your height. Stop and maintain where you feel good.

  • anacline
    anacline Posts: 13 Member
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    usmcmp wrote: »
    I think you need to seek some professional assistance on this one, and not from the doctors who tell you fainting is normal when you are starving yourself while over exercising.

    https://myfitnesspal.desk.com/customer/portal/articles/1575987-eating-disorder-resources

    I have gone to a professional nutritionist to consider getting professional help on my health. However, I would have to pay something like $30/hour of her time (1 hour minimum) to go over what I'm eating each week. This would not be covered by my health insurance and I can't really afford $30-60/week for the service either. That's more than I pay for food each week ($25) and about 10% of my income each week. I realize people don't work for free so I can't blame anyone for my predicament. This is just going to be a huge struggle until I win the lottery (that I don't even play lol) or get a promotion and can afford to pay someone. Everyone makes being healthy seem so easy; it's just lose weight and you'll be healthy. Been there, done that, didn't happen that way.

    By the way even when I was eating 2500-3000 calories a day I would go blind and dizzy or faint when jogging at 4 mph for 10 minutes if my weight was below 140. So I wasn't "starving" on the standpoint of food intake and I wasn't over exercising, this would also happen random times during the day for seemingly no reason and so I stayed clear of driving until I got my weight up and stopped exercising since that was a trigger for it. Something else was going on related to my weight but I couldn't figure out what exactly because the doctors were unhelpful to say the least. Today at 200 lbs I can eat 1700 calories a day and jog at 4 mph for 10 minutes and feel completely fine other than being sweaty. I don't think I'll ever be completely at ease with my weight loss until someone can figure why this happens and I don't think a nutritionist can diagnose this. I have dreams where I get a million in inheritance from some long lost relative and I use all the money to pay a diagnostics doctor to actually figure it out for me. Seems like that's the only way it's going to happen :(

    Do you think I should just stay at 200 lbs until I get a pay raise and can afford the nutritionist then?
  • anacline
    anacline Posts: 13 Member
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    Lounmoun wrote: »

    I would stop comparing to the past.

    How long has it been since you starting eating 1500 calories plus exercise calories? If it has been 1 week keep on and the rate will probably slow soon. If it has been 3 weeks or more of losing 5 lbs a week you probably have want to look at your calorie goal and increase it by a couple hundred calories to slow things down.
    Are you sure your activity level before exercise is right? Maybe you are more active than you think and should change that setting. You might need to eat more like 1800 or 2000 plus your exercise calories.

    There is nothing wrong with choosing a goal weight more toward the top of the healthy range for your height. Stop and maintain where you feel good.

    I've been eating 1500 plus exercise for 2 weeks, though the first week I didn't workout and I used an old spreadsheet I created years ago, it takes too long to log food through that so I downloaded MFP app and have been using it the last week to log activity and calories. Both weeks I lost 5 lbs which I guess makes sense if I'm eating back my exercise calories, but I still think that the majority of the weight loss is due to temporary water loss because I don't feel starved. So next week is week 3, so what you're saying is if this week I lose 5 pounds again I should up my calories? I work from home and live in a 400sq-ft apartment so I don't have much room to move around much to be active, the only activity I get is shopping 1X a week, the 50 yard walk to and from the gym and my exercise there. Soon I will have to discontinue shopping trips and do curbside pickups because winter is coming, and so are the pumpkin spice lattes that cause me to be severely asthmatic. :D:s
  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 13,721 Member
    edited September 2017
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    Based on your reported rate of loss your deficit is currently excessive.

    EAT MORE if a trending weight application confirms that you are losing weight at an excessive pace. Your sense of satiation is obviously not a very reliable guide: you've been there before.

    Take it easy and enjoy the time during which you're losing weight.

    If you have more energy and this leads to an increase in exercise consider strength training and don't forget to eat back most (if not all) of your exercise calories.

    Evaluate your weight using a trending weight app or web site.
    Aim for 10% to 20% in actual deficit.
    At the higher end of that if obese or high overweight (even as much as 25% while obese). Reduce the rate of loss as you drop in the low overweight to normal weight range.
    Your fat stores have to support your rate of loss and as they reduce your deficits have to follow suite.

    I occasionally use the following spreadsheet to evaluate my logging against reality based on my body's feedback: https://goo.gl/GxYvoc

    ETA that I sort of agree with @azulvioleta6 below that some of your narrative indicates that talking to someone about all this may prove to be quite beneficial.
  • Momepro
    Momepro Posts: 1,509 Member
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    This is where food logging is the most helpful. Only you can tell what is feeling good for your body, ans keeping a daily track, and utilizing notes to write how you are feeling in a day to day basis, will help you figure out by trial and error what works best for your body. Stick with plan for a few days, keep track how you feel, and after a week or so make adjustments and see how it goes.
  • lucerorojo
    lucerorojo Posts: 790 Member
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    What do you eat that you can manage to live on $25 for groceries each week??? If I spent only $25 a week on food, I would be eating oatmeal, pasta and rice and beans for everymeal. That's not too bad, but what about fruits and vegetables? Maybe a few bananas and some kale. I surely could not afford any meat or fish in my area with that budget. I understand and sympathize that money is limited in your case. I think I would be fatigued if I had to eat on that budget and also imagine it is stressful. How old are you by the way?
  • anacline
    anacline Posts: 13 Member
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    lucerorojo wrote: »
    What do you eat that you can manage to live on $25 for groceries each week??? If I spent only $25 a week on food, I would be eating oatmeal, pasta and rice and beans for everymeal. That's not too bad, but what about fruits and vegetables? Maybe a few bananas and some kale. I surely could not afford any meat or fish in my area with that budget. I understand and sympathize that money is limited in your case. I think I would be fatigued if I had to eat on that budget and also imagine it is stressful. How old are you by the way?

    I'm 24 I just finished getting my degree in Aerospace, I'm less stressed now than I was my junior and double senior years haha, that one professor would only pass half the class and I could never get a break. For $25 a week I make bulk meals and eat arround 1/2 to 3 pound of meat a week which I buy only every 3 months or so, chicken and ground beef for as cheap as I can get it. Then my shopping trips consist of buying tons of canned and fresh vegetables from the market and 1 type of berry fruit -this week is my favorite: cherries :) I don't like raw bananas or apples because for some reason they give me indigestion, the only things that consistently trigger it.

    I buy a bulk bag of rice (20lbs dry) 1X a year and pasta in bulk 2X a year and that's my starch. I buy bread occasionally but it's not worth it because it goes stale or moldy before I eat it all. I buy probably 2 cans of beans a week for extra protein and sometimes if I can find it a bag of barley to make barley and beef soup. I've been eating like this since before I started losing weight because I really enjoy eating lots and lots of vegetables but I think the main reason I was gaining and not losing was because I was using my soda stream too often when I was stressed out and never exercising. My parents had given me 20 flavors of syrup when I went to college which only ran out 3 weeks ago so this doesn't incur any expense on my part but was super unhealthy. I guess all in all I spend closer to $35/week if you leveled out the expensive bulk items I buy once in a while which are the items I'm slightly cutting back on to create the slight calorie deficit I'm on. I guess I could try eating the same I always have and see if just cutting out soda and exercising will help me lose weight slowly like I want to.
  • lucerorojo
    lucerorojo Posts: 790 Member
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    Thank you for responding. I admire your frugality and still able to eat decently. Definitely if you cut back on soda that would create a calorie deficit. You could add less syrup to decrease the calories.
  • anacline
    anacline Posts: 13 Member
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    lucerorojo wrote: »
    Thank you for responding. I admire your frugality and still able to eat decently. Definitely if you cut back on soda that would create a calorie deficit. You could add less syrup to decrease the calories.

    I've tried many times over the last few years to limit soda intake, I've tried diluting it, and I've tried to drink water before drinking a glass of soda. I'm always too tempted to drink soda like water (in place of drinking water) I have lots of self control but apparently not for soda. I think the only way I'm going to be able to cut back on soda is just to keep it out of my house, I think I'll pick up a single can once a week from the gas station as a treat. My new favorite way of drinking water is with a bit of lime juice thrown in.

    I guess what I'll do is eat what I normally do but track it in MFP, cut down soda to 12 oz a week instead of my usual 7-14 liters of it and exercise at the gym more. I'll see if I can re-arrange my budget to allow $60/week for a nutritionist or nutritional therapist, I would really hate to have to cut into my $300/month savings for it but that may be what I have to do. I've gained so much weight in the last 4 years I only have 5 outfits I can wear comfortably and don't want to spend money on more clothes when I have pleanty, they just don't fit me right now :s
    If I lost 10-20 more pounds I could easily fit into 50% of my wardrobe. I've already lost an inch off my waist so I can fit into my size 12 shorts. But once again Scarry that cutting out soda, exercising more, and reducing carbs and meat by 15% or so can result in such drastic results in just 2 weeks.
  • ugofatcat
    ugofatcat Posts: 385 Member
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    @anacline: Does you school offer dietitians for you to see? Or a counseling service?

    Does your school have a nutrition or dietetics program? Could you reach out to the professors and see if they have students that are looking for experience working with people? They may not be a professional (yet) but they will work under their professor to help them learn how to work with people.

    I can't believe that happened to you in the resident halls.

    Your idea of tracking what you normally eat and adjusting that is a great place start. Good luck! We will be here if you need it.
  • lucerorojo
    lucerorojo Posts: 790 Member
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    I agree with the guy who just posted. Even if you just cut out soda, that would make a BIG difference, especially if you've been drinking 7-14 litres of it--and assuming not the diet kind!
  • lucerorojo
    lucerorojo Posts: 790 Member
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    Also, once you start tracking on MFP you will see exactly what you are eating if you log in everything (including the soda!) I was quite surprised when I started it. I was eating double what I thought I was eating...
  • MichelleSilverleaf
    MichelleSilverleaf Posts: 2,028 Member
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    Skip the search for a nutritionist, focus on trying to get to a dietician. The latter will more often have a better health education.

    Barring that, try and find some good sources for weight issues. My favourites are James Fell, Dr. Yoni Freedhoff and Fitness Reloaded.
  • timtam163
    timtam163 Posts: 500 Member
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    It sounds like in the past you've used unsustainable habits to lose weight; have you looked into mindful eating habits? Also see sustainable eating habits. Also the Stoics, buddhists, and just about every philosophy out there has something to say about eating mindfully. The up-and-down of weight will happen, but what is it that you're doing to eat in a way that you can keep up in the long term?
  • anacline
    anacline Posts: 13 Member
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    TeethOfTheHydra wrote: »
    I read your story, its not pleasant. I am still not clear, what is the imperative for your weight loss? It seems not only are you putting too much pressure on yourself at a time when your schooling, job, and finances are stretched thin, but you're expressing a lot of anxiety, to say the least, and have a track record of placing your health at risk while trying to lose weight.

    I'd suggest re-thinking your goals and questioning whether now is the optimal time to be taking on weight loss, particularly without the professional help that some are suggesting you seek. If you need something to do to feel productive, then I'd suggest learning to cut off soda and go to water. Not only a health benefit (and probably sparing your teeth too) but also you'll save good $$$ by just drinking free water.
    Good luck, really! You've had it tough, it would be great to see you come back.

    It's not super imperative I lose weight immediately however it is taking a toll on my self esteem because I know being over 200 pounds is not healthy for me and it makes me feel like a sausage roll. I've been working with a therapist for anxiety since 2nd senior year and I graduated in May I have been feeling a lot better overall since leaving school, I don't know if it's the therapy working or because I've left the toxic environment behind. My job doesn't have a fantastic pay but it's only 40 hours a week of solid modeling and analysis which is relaxing and soothing to me. But in trying to find the root of some of my deeper anxieties I was told to attempt dieting at a slow rate to see if it will break my food insecurities. Basically showing myself that I can slowly lose weight without anything bad happening. My therapist isn't a nutritionist or dietician so no help there really. I got referrals to places charging $30/hour, my therapist only charges $20/hour but $10 of it is paid by insurance. My insurance won't pay for me to see a nutritionist/dietician or do anything to help me lose weight unless I'm clinically obese. Right now I'm just obese but I don't want to be.

    Realistically if I could even get my waist down to 1/2 my height I would be happy with that. Supposedly that ratio is equivalent to a BMI of 25. I would need to lose 7 inches off my waist. I would be 170lbs if my weight trends like it did last time. I tend to lose quite a lot on the waist when I diet since I don't have much lower body fat. Even now I can see individual muscle groups on my legs, but my torso looks like a doughnut, and I know it's not healthy to have too much fat on your waist.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,951 Member
    edited September 2017
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    anacline wrote: »
    TeethOfTheHydra wrote: »
    I read your story, its not pleasant. I am still not clear, what is the imperative for your weight loss? It seems not only are you putting too much pressure on yourself at a time when your schooling, job, and finances are stretched thin, but you're expressing a lot of anxiety, to say the least, and have a track record of placing your health at risk while trying to lose weight.

    I'd suggest re-thinking your goals and questioning whether now is the optimal time to be taking on weight loss, particularly without the professional help that some are suggesting you seek. If you need something to do to feel productive, then I'd suggest learning to cut off soda and go to water. Not only a health benefit (and probably sparing your teeth too) but also you'll save good $$$ by just drinking free water.
    Good luck, really! You've had it tough, it would be great to see you come back.

    It's not super imperative I lose weight immediately however it is taking a toll on my self esteem because I know being over 200 pounds is not healthy for me and it makes me feel like a sausage roll. I've been working with a therapist for anxiety since 2nd senior year and I graduated in May I have been feeling a lot better overall since leaving school, I don't know if it's the therapy working or because I've left the toxic environment behind. My job doesn't have a fantastic pay but it's only 40 hours a week of solid modeling and analysis which is relaxing and soothing to me. But in trying to find the root of some of my deeper anxieties I was told to attempt dieting at a slow rate to see if it will break my food insecurities. Basically showing myself that I can slowly lose weight without anything bad happening. My therapist isn't a nutritionist or dietician so no help there really. I got referrals to places charging $30/hour, my therapist only charges $20/hour but $10 of it is paid by insurance. My insurance won't pay for me to see a nutritionist/dietician or do anything to help me lose weight unless I'm clinically obese. Right now I'm just obese but I don't want to be.

    Realistically if I could even get my waist down to 1/2 my height I would be happy with that. Supposedly that ratio is equivalent to a BMI of 25. I would need to lose 7 inches off my waist. I would be 170lbs if my weight trends like it did last time. I tend to lose quite a lot on the waist when I diet since I don't have much lower body fat. Even now I can see individual muscle groups on my legs, but my torso looks like a doughnut, and I know it's not healthy to have too much fat on your waist.

    Does your therapist offer Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? This can be very effective for weight loss. I would consider it far more valuable than a dietitian, but don't know if that is universally true, and have started a separate thread on this. http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10594237/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-v-dietitian-and-why/p1

    Do lose it slowly.

    Re BMI - what’s your frame size? http://www.myfooddiary.com/Resources/frame_size_calculator.asp

    I have a large frame and the only time I've had a BMI as low as 24 was after 6 weeks of undereating and overexercising during boot camp. (When I first arrived there, I had to get boots and hats from the men's side of the uniforms room because there weren't any big enough in women's. At 5'6", I'm not especially tall. I've always had a hard time buying bracelets. I wear men's shoes as often as I can get away with it.)

    My goal is to get back into my skinny jeans from when I was a full time yoga teacher, which will have me at a Low Overweight BMI, and I'm ok with that.

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