Husband Doesn’t Approve

2

Replies

  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
    kakaovanilya wrote: »
    This is a very tough situation and I hope you can find a way to solve it. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He was trying to make me gain weight because of his insecurities about his looks & weight. I was telling him time to time that he should lose some weight and he tried a few times but he couldn't because he was drinking a lot. After a while, I started to eat a lot and ended up gaining 15-16 lbs. I just didn't know why I was always feeling hungry until one day I caught him adding something appetite-enhancing to my food. I filed a lawsuit against the *kitten*. I totally understand how you feel and honestly I don't think that you talking to him will be enough. I think you should see a professional.

    Oh. My. Gosh!!!!!
    What a psychopath!! Glad he is your ex...
  • corinasue1143
    corinasue1143 Posts: 7,460 Member
    Good for you kicking drugs. If your daughter is mirroring your healthy habits now, where would she be if you hadn't? And good for you getting back to a place where you can do what you have to and still have enough left to do what you like. Sounds like you're doing absolutely great and will find a way to resolve the rest of your problems.
  • kakaovanilya
    kakaovanilya Posts: 647 Member
    GemstoneofHeart wrote: »
    kakaovanilya wrote: »
    This is a very tough situation and I hope you can find a way to solve it. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He was trying to make me gain weight because of his insecurities about his looks & weight. I was telling him time to time that he should lose some weight and he tried a few times but he couldn't because he was drinking a lot. After a while, I started to eat a lot and ended up gaining 15-16 lbs. I just didn't know why I was always feeling hungry until one day I caught him adding something appetite-enhancing to my food. I filed a lawsuit against the *kitten*. I totally understand how you feel and honestly I don't think that you talking to him will be enough. I think you should see a professional.

    Oh. My. Gosh!!!!!
    What a psychopath!! Glad he is your ex...

    Total psycopath!! Thanks, I'm glad, too.
  • brittneynathan0579
    brittneynathan0579 Posts: 69 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    brittneynathan0579 wrote: »
    Hey guys,
    I need advice!! I started this healthy lifestyle in January and went from 236 lbs to 184 lbs. I’ve given up alcohol, smoking, and caffeine. I finally got to where I love what I eat and I enjoy my workouts. My daughter saw my results and so she just recently joined this healthy way of living with me. That being said, my husband has not lived this way and resents me for it. He is overweight and since we don’t drink anymore, he uses food as a crutch. I don’t shove fitness down his throat because when I started, I promised him I wouldn’t. Well, since Thanksgiving, he has blown up on me three different occasions, telling me he wished he’d never invested in our home gym and is sick of watching me eat the way I do. We used to eat very unhealthy together, but now it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t know what to do. I have eaten this whole weekend things he considers non diet foods, but I told him Monday I’m going back to my diet because I still have some weight I want to lose. I don’t understand what I put in my mouth has to do with what he puts in his. He got angry because I can finally go hiking again, but he doesn’t want me to even do that. I’m not giving up on something I feel is important and that is a part of me just to make him happy, but I fear we may lose our relationship if I don’t. I’m also a recovering drug addict, clean for 5 years and I feel I need some sort of outlet, which fitness has become . What would you guys do?
    When a person feels like their SO can go on without them, it sometimes makes them feel pretty worthless.
    How often do you reassure him that you love and care about him? Or is it just arguments?


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    I’m always reassuring him. I think he’s unsure of what to do with me now that we don’t drink together. He sometimes has cravings to drink, especially during stressful times. I know I could always make improvements so I’m going to maybe suggest a date night where it’s just me and him. Thank you so much!!

  • Ardael
    Ardael Posts: 244 Member
    Although not as serious as your situation I do experience some "Husband Hurdles".
    The difference is that I am the fatter one in the relationship and always was. He nudged me for years to do something about it and now that it's happening, he buys me ice cream, set up movie nights at candlelight and tells me that gym will still be there tomorrow, interrupts my work out with important-can't-wait kinda man-stuff that is rarely important to me, pushes me to go out and have a few drinks, and when I dress up now, while he doesn't say anything directly about it, he snaps at me for the smallest things or make overly crude jokes.
    It's insecurity on his behalf. We talked about it. He is scared that other men will come and sweep me off my feet or that by becoming too confident in myself that I would leave him.

    I indulge him when I can so we still have some connection and point to him when his behaviour upsets me. My advice is to find a way to make him benefit from your new found fitness. Dress sexy for his eyes alone, try new stuff in the bedroom. And it will make you both have a good time. Or find something that you both like doing that would make him a part of your new life. He probably needs to feel he is still the male of your life.
  • Sumiblue
    Sumiblue Posts: 1,597 Member
    Congratulations on your healthy choices and weight loss. It sounds like you are motivated to get healthy and your husband isn’t. He has to want it for himself but he does not have the right to derail your progress. You’ve even inspired your daughter, which is wonderful. It sounds like he feels threatened by your lifestyle changes. That can be difficult for a relationship but he is an adult, right? If he feels threatened or worried he should come to you to talk about it.
    Communication is important in any partnership. Can he live with the fact that you choose to be healthier? Can you live with him being angry about it and/or sabotaging your progress?
    If he can’t talk to you by himself then counseling sounds appropriate.
  • RulaAsaad
    RulaAsaad Posts: 71 Member
    First of, congratulations on your commitment to the healthy lifestyle! You are very strong to hold on to your decisions :))
    Second, I'm not a professional, but I'm on my way there. I advise you to seek professional help (therapist, social worker...etc)- you could do it alone (if he is against it), just to know how to get him to talk to you without getting angry, or just to try and understand his point of view. As some had said before he might think you are doing it for someone else, or that once you reach full confidence regarding your new lifestyle and health, you wouldn't be satisfied with him anymore. It would also be that he is missing having things in common with you, or that he is not satisfied where he is right now (compared to you) and is projecting his feelings on you.

    Best of luck.
  • tcunbeliever
    tcunbeliever Posts: 8,219 Member
    I'm not really sure how your husband blew up at you three times over the holiday weekend and you didn't practically castrate him in response, but kudos to you for having way better handle on your temper than I have on mine.

    That being said, what you tolerate will continue. If you want him to stop blowing up at you, and he really needs to just stop, then you need to very clearly communicate that his behavior is not acceptable. Not sure what that means for your particular relationship, in mine a simple 'are you seriously *kitten* talking to me like that' would instantly make it stop because he would know that he crossed a line and he needs to back up that train. Not sure how you and your husband communicate, or how often this is happening in front of children and if you want to address the issue in front of them or wait until a more private time to have the conversations. Start with explaining to him how his behavior makes you feel - not so much that is discourages you or makes you second guess your health choices, but more on a directly emotional level - I would assume it makes you feel bad, or sad, it definitely makes you feel like you can't be the you that you want to be, that is obvious from your repeated mention that you have to alter your behavior to not make him mad...that alone should make him think hard about his impact on your life and since he loves you, should make him alter his behavior to NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

    People can be pretty clueless, give him a clue, very clearly, something that can in no way be misinterpreted, his behavior needs to stop because you deserve to be the you that you want to be, and if he loves you then he should want you to be happy and want you to be free to pursue your best self.
  • jcstevens86
    jcstevens86 Posts: 3,338 Member
    Seems to me husband wants to keep you unhealthy for selfish and jealousy reasons
  • brittaney10811
    brittaney10811 Posts: 588 Member
    How'd the talk go with your husband, have you had a chance yet?
  • fritch_gets_fit26
    fritch_gets_fit26 Posts: 40 Member
    edited November 2017
    I 100% don't mean this in a hateful way, but it says something that you feel more comfortable talking about this with strangers on the internet than with your partner.

    Maybe talking to him about working with a counselor together would do both of you some good. I know in a marriage it is not always easy to say exactly what you are thinking...and having someone there to help connect those thoughts would be helpful. And you mentioned him feeling like you don't have that thing to do together since you stopped drinking...maybe this can be the first thing that helps bond you, and it can branch out from there. Starting with this new form of connection and having more come from that. It could really be stemming from him feeling like he is losing a connection with you.

    My husband and I like to walk our dogs together, we will read the same book and have our own little book club, we like to go to antique stores together, or recently we are finding new recipes to make together on weekends. We also like to be involved in each others hobbies...he loves video games, so I will play with him every once in a while...I love crafting, so he will do something with me for our house every now and then. It's important for us to have these things to bond over, especially when life gets busy or we start to feel some distance.
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,053 Member
    Wow, OP, you have made really significant life changes that are difficult to make, and I just want to give you props for that.

    Comments jumping to the conclusion he's jealous/fearful you'll leave surprise me. That would not be my first guess. I would guess it's about what he has lost-- a drinking buddy, eating partner in crime, possibly an enabler(?). When people stop drinking/using, often they become much more observant about the relationships they are in, so he may be getting attention he's unaccustomed to or uncomfortable with. E.g. Now you notice stuff you didn't used to notice (or care about).

    But like others, I'm concerned about the big red flag of you avoiding his anger. I'm wondering:
    - Does he use anger to manipulate/control you? That is, by definition, abusive.
    - Has he had health issues/medications that could be contributing? If so, a medical doctor might help.

    If neither of the above, the anger is arising from emotional distress. It's like an ice berg. The tiny part above the surface manifests as anger, but below the surface is a massive block of hurt. Maybe it's grief for what he has lost. People can talk compassionately about grief, acknowledge it and process it. Or maybe it is fear, as other comments speculate, where reassurance could help. Or maybe he feels betrayed and left behind. Maybe he feels weak compared to your strength. We really don't know, but it's a good place to start. It's a whole lot easier to address the feelings once you know what they are.
  • kimcalica
    kimcalica Posts: 525 Member
    When someone goes through a change like you did, it’s hard if others don’t change with you because it’s not just your diet that changes. I had the same problem but thankfully, my husband came around. I did, however lose a LOT of friends with unhealthy outlooks and lifestyles. Generally, i think If someone succeeds too much around people that don’t succeed enough, they tend to either resent them, or try to catch up. I’m kind of a loner in my success at this point. Which is wonderful because I’m a special needs mom and my husband is good to me. But when you are working all the time and motivating yourself constantly, it’s hard to be around anyone that isn’t just as motivated or involved in their own success. Maybe if your husband started his own thing he wouldn’t resent you or be jealous. Congrats on your loss and sobriety. I know the feeling of trading indulgences for the home gym!
  • 7elizamae
    7elizamae Posts: 758 Member
    Now, of course this is easy for me to say...doing it is another thing altogether...

    Unless he's going to physically harm you or the children, I'd go ahead and be straightforward with him. Tell him what you've told us here. You're not being unkind -- you're just communicating about a difficult topic.

    He'll be angry because he doesn't want things to change. It's a big lifestyle change that you're making, and he isn't ready for it. He probably feels judged and abandoned.

    Well, he can feel that way. He's a grown man and he can handle it. (It's more respectful to be honest than to tiptoe around The Man and His Ego.) He might be nasty. Unless he's crossing a line to battering and abuse you'll get through it. It's normal to be angry sometimes.

    Congratulations to you on your major lifestyle change!
  • helena99716
    helena99716 Posts: 62 Member
    edited November 2017
    First off, great job on the progress you've made so far and for being clean so long! :)
    Second, I haven't been in the same situation myself, but I've been in a situation where I was a child of parents that were in a situation like this. My mum did exactly what you are, started getting healthier, gym, hiking etc etc, and my dad loved his food and sitting on the couch, and he got serious anger issues after my mum started living healthier, and would explode at her for nearly anything she said. She never forced him to do anything, and she never threatened to leave him, or anything like that, yet my dad kept accusing her that "she keeps saying she'll leave him so why doesn't she just do it" and taunting her like "did your lover ask you to get in shape". It made things difficult for all of us.
    My advice is that you consider going to couples therapy, if possible. It wasn't possible for my parents because my dad is very stuck in his ways and he thinks that psychiatrists are frauds. If not, you could try going to therapy alone, since I can imagine you feel pretty torn between 2 choices, and a psychiatrist will surely be able to give you advice on how to handle this situation, how to calm him down and how to keep yourself calm.
    He seems insecure, from what you wrote, so he's very likely afraid that you'll leave him, maybe he feels that you are now way out of his league and can't understand that you'd want to stay with him, him being as he is.
    My parents' marriage ended in divorce, (un)fortunately, but that was, really, for the best, however, they decided to wait with divorcing until I grew up and moved out, in order to make the process easier. As bad as this sounds, you need to think about your priorities, and if it comes down to making a decision, you should go with whatever will make you happiest in the long run, not whatever is the easiest one at that moment.
    From my perspective (being the child in this situation), I feel like my childhood would've been better if I didn't have to listen to my dad scream at my mum at least once a week and have to console her when she cried after, it certainly sucks to be a child of divorced parents, but it also sucks to grow up with commitment issues and being afraid of marriage (before I got married, and even now, when I am married) due to what my parents' marriage looked like when I was growing up.
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  • girlinahat
    girlinahat Posts: 2,956 Member
    The following may or may not apply to your relationship, but given some of the red flags in your post it may be worth considering very carefully.

    gaslighting

    Controlling behaviour: A range of acts making a person subordinate and/or dependent on their abuser. These include isolating them from sources of support, depriving them of means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

    Coercive behaviour: A pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
  • MySweetLavinia
    MySweetLavinia Posts: 90 Member
    OP, this is a red flag the size of Texas. It's one thing for him to feel new insecurities about your weight loss, or miss eating junk food with you- those are understandable. It's another entirely for him to "blow up" at you, resent you for being healthy, and make you tiptoe around him out of fear that you'll make him angry. That's an emotionally unhealthy relationship, if not an emotionally abusive one. My ex was like that (in his case it was anger about me wanting to have a job and access to our financial info, not weight loss) and when I didn't agree with him he eventually moved onto being physically harmful. Unhealthy relationships take a lot of different forms.

    If you really are determined to stay with him, you should go to counseling alone and together. If counseling isn't something you can even bring up as a suggestion, run away from this man. Red flags all over.
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