Husband Doesn’t Approve

RulaAsaad · November 2017

First of, congratulations on your commitment to the healthy lifestyle! You are very strong to hold on to your decisions

)
Second, I'm not a professional, but I'm on my way there. I advise you to seek professional help (therapist, social worker...etc)- you could do it alone (if he is against it), just to know how to get him to talk to you without getting angry, or just to try and understand his point of view. As some had said before he might think you are doing it for someone else, or that once you reach full confidence regarding your new lifestyle and health, you wouldn't be satisfied with him anymore. It would also be that he is missing having things in common with you, or that he is not satisfied where he is right now (compared to you) and is projecting his feelings on you.

Best of luck.

bikecheryl · November 2017

Can I just say something about the anger part?

Unless he gets violent or abusive when he gets angry, and if that's the case I don't need to tell you what you should do.

But if it's emotional anger, please don't let it stop you from having a very frank discussion.

I tiptoed and hid things from my husband for years because I knew he'd get angry.

Then I finally talked to him and yep, he was ANGRY.

But you know what? It wasn't the end of the world!!

We talked, we dealt and we moved on.

Our relationship is 100% better & I finally feel good enough to concentrate on me.

And my husband couldn't be happier for me.

vingogly · November 2017

brittneynathan0579 wrote: »

Thank you. I do talk to him, but he angers easily and I’m not sure how NOT to make him mad, lol. It’s very disheartening because I’ve worked so hard at something so important to me and he wants me to give it all up, just when I’m finally at mentally where I need to be. You’re right though, a talk has to be done

Having spent six years as a professional providing court-mandated group therapy to hundreds of male domestic violence abusers (some of whom I'll wager no one in this thread would spot as an abuser), I'd say there are a few serious red flags in what you've said about the relationship - and his red hair is not one of them. Get into relationship counseling with him, and if he won't agree to that, get some counseling for yourself. And if "tread lightly" means you're concerned about the possibility he might get physical, make sure you have a safety plan in case you need to get away.

clicketykeys · November 2017

vingogly wrote: »

brittneynathan0579 wrote: »

Thank you. I do talk to him, but he angers easily and I’m not sure how NOT to make him mad, lol. It’s very disheartening because I’ve worked so hard at something so important to me and he wants me to give it all up, just when I’m finally at mentally where I need to be. You’re right though, a talk has to be done

Having spent six years as a professional providing court-mandated group therapy to hundreds of male domestic violence abusers (some of whom I'll wager no one in this thread would spot as an abuser), I'd say there are a few serious red flags in what you've said about the relationship - and his red hair is not one of them. Get into relationship counseling with him, and if he won't agree to that, get some counseling for yourself. And if "tread lightly" means you're concerned about the possibility he might get physical, make sure you have a safety plan in case you need to get away.

So much this. Not just for you - there is a child involved as well. Even if it's not physical, if he is aggressive or degrading, think about what kind of an example he's setting for your daughter about what a relationship with a man is like.

tcunbeliever · November 2017

I'm not really sure how your husband blew up at you three times over the holiday weekend and you didn't practically castrate him in response, but kudos to you for having way better handle on your temper than I have on mine.

That being said, what you tolerate will continue. If you want him to stop blowing up at you, and he really needs to just stop, then you need to very clearly communicate that his behavior is not acceptable. Not sure what that means for your particular relationship, in mine a simple 'are you seriously *kitten* talking to me like that' would instantly make it stop because he would know that he crossed a line and he needs to back up that train. Not sure how you and your husband communicate, or how often this is happening in front of children and if you want to address the issue in front of them or wait until a more private time to have the conversations. Start with explaining to him how his behavior makes you feel - not so much that is discourages you or makes you second guess your health choices, but more on a directly emotional level - I would assume it makes you feel bad, or sad, it definitely makes you feel like you can't be the you that you want to be, that is obvious from your repeated mention that you have to alter your behavior to not make him mad...that alone should make him think hard about his impact on your life and since he loves you, should make him alter his behavior to NOT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

People can be pretty clueless, give him a clue, very clearly, something that can in no way be misinterpreted, his behavior needs to stop because you deserve to be the you that you want to be, and if he loves you then he should want you to be happy and want you to be free to pursue your best self.

jcstevens86 · November 2017

Seems to me husband wants to keep you unhealthy for selfish and jealousy reasons

brittaney10811 · November 2017

How'd the talk go with your husband, have you had a chance yet?

trackme · November 2017

You should not give up your health and the health and self esteem of your daughter for your husbands foolishness. You need professional help if this marriage is to be saved, if at all. My doctor wanted me to eat healthy because of a health condition I have and he refused and even sabotaged me in order to get what HE wanted, which was to control me. I found out too late what a mistake that was. You have found a way of life that works for you. If you go back, your health and your daughters well being is in jeopardy. Get him to grow up and support you, if not, he is not worth being your partner.

jcstevens86 · November 2017

Also it seems your marriage is toxic and i myself would recommend either counseling or a new husband

rheddmobile · November 2017

I spoke with my husband about this, and he wanted me to pass his thoughts along. He says that you need to have a talk with your husband in which you explain that giving up on being healthy is not an option. It's not even on the table, and he needs to get that through his head and stop trying to manipulate you into giving up, because he is not going to get his way. My husband wanted me to tell you that whatever else you do, you have to keep doing what you are doing to stay healthy, not just because it's your life but also for the sake of your daughter, who is learning habits which will keep her healthy for her entire life. That's two people's lives there.

Whatever else you have to do in order to keep doing what you are doing, do it. If that means your husband grows up and acts right, great. If he doesn't you either have to learn to do it without him, or apart from him, but your health is not optional.

sofchak · November 2017

Just adding my two cents to all the comments already provided. I’m a fan of coming to the table as a problem solver, not a problem creator. Saying “I’m not changing” or “You have to get used to this” are not particularly motivating ways of bringing anyone around to your way of thinking.

Instead, I would recommend the following - think through ways that life has changed for him as a result of your healthier lifestyle. He no longer has a drinking buddy, he no longer has a fellow foodie, he no longer has a crutch to justify remaining unhealthy, he now has fear about his wife getting healthy and leaving him behind... any or all of the above could be in his head either consciously or subconsciously. Tackle this from his perspective and come up with solutions to share with him.

For example, say something like “I know I’ve made a lot of significant changes which have impacted you in someway or another. As I continue along on this journey, I’d like to talk through ways that we can compromise so you get what you need out of this relationship because I love you and care about you. Here are some thoughts...” then list out how you have thought through some ways to consider his needs.

Personally, my husband has always supported my journey, but after a while, he was like “you’re done losing weight, right?” We had to sit down and discuss what my goals were and what his expectations were and align on what the future would look like - we both made compromises including the addition of a 1x a month visit to our favorite restaurant to bring back some normalcy (I’ll admit, I’m not terribly upset about making that compromise - lol).

I hope you can find a middle ground that works for both of you. If not, like others have said already, I recommend either individual or joint counseling.

RachelElser · November 2017

This sounds like, to him at least, it's about more than a diet change. He gets angry easily, you actively avoid making him angry, and he wants to control your activities. If he'll go, try a therapist. Even if he doesn't go, go alone! You mentioned having a daughter- is this a relationship you would want for her? Growing up seeing mom cower around dad teaches her that that is an okay way for men to act toward the people they profess to love.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

fritch_gets_fit26 · November 2017

I 100% don't mean this in a hateful way, but it says something that you feel more comfortable talking about this with strangers on the internet than with your partner.

Maybe talking to him about working with a counselor together would do both of you some good. I know in a marriage it is not always easy to say exactly what you are thinking...and having someone there to help connect those thoughts would be helpful. And you mentioned him feeling like you don't have that thing to do together since you stopped drinking...maybe this can be the first thing that helps bond you, and it can branch out from there. Starting with this new form of connection and having more come from that. It could really be stemming from him feeling like he is losing a connection with you.

My husband and I like to walk our dogs together, we will read the same book and have our own little book club, we like to go to antique stores together, or recently we are finding new recipes to make together on weekends. We also like to be involved in each others hobbies...he loves video games, so I will play with him every once in a while...I love crafting, so he will do something with me for our house every now and then. It's important for us to have these things to bond over, especially when life gets busy or we start to feel some distance.

ahoy_m8 · November 2017

Wow, OP, you have made really significant life changes that are difficult to make, and I just want to give you props for that.

Comments jumping to the conclusion he's jealous/fearful you'll leave surprise me. That would not be my first guess. I would guess it's about what he has lost-- a drinking buddy, eating partner in crime, possibly an enabler(?). When people stop drinking/using, often they become much more observant about the relationships they are in, so he may be getting attention he's unaccustomed to or uncomfortable with. E.g. Now you notice stuff you didn't used to notice (or care about).

But like others, I'm concerned about the big red flag of you avoiding his anger. I'm wondering:
- Does he use anger to manipulate/control you? That is, by definition, abusive.
- Has he had health issues/medications that could be contributing? If so, a medical doctor might help.

If neither of the above, the anger is arising from emotional distress. It's like an ice berg. The tiny part above the surface manifests as anger, but below the surface is a massive block of hurt. Maybe it's grief for what he has lost. People can talk compassionately about grief, acknowledge it and process it. Or maybe it is fear, as other comments speculate, where reassurance could help. Or maybe he feels betrayed and left behind. Maybe he feels weak compared to your strength. We really don't know, but it's a good place to start. It's a whole lot easier to address the feelings once you know what they are.

kimcalica · November 2017

When someone goes through a change like you did, it’s hard if others don’t change with you because it’s not just your diet that changes. I had the same problem but thankfully, my husband came around. I did, however lose a LOT of friends with unhealthy outlooks and lifestyles. Generally, i think If someone succeeds too much around people that don’t succeed enough, they tend to either resent them, or try to catch up. I’m kind of a loner in my success at this point. Which is wonderful because I’m a special needs mom and my husband is good to me. But when you are working all the time and motivating yourself constantly, it’s hard to be around anyone that isn’t just as motivated or involved in their own success. Maybe if your husband started his own thing he wouldn’t resent you or be jealous. Congrats on your loss and sobriety. I know the feeling of trading indulgences for the home gym!

7elizamae · November 2017

Now, of course this is easy for me to say...doing it is another thing altogether...

Unless he's going to physically harm you or the children, I'd go ahead and be straightforward with him. Tell him what you've told us here. You're not being unkind -- you're just communicating about a difficult topic.

He'll be angry because he doesn't want things to change. It's a big lifestyle change that you're making, and he isn't ready for it. He probably feels judged and abandoned.

Well, he can feel that way. He's a grown man and he can handle it. (It's more respectful to be honest than to tiptoe around The Man and His Ego.) He might be nasty. Unless he's crossing a line to battering and abuse you'll get through it. It's normal to be angry sometimes.

Congratulations to you on your major lifestyle change!

helena99716 · November 2017

First off, great job on the progress you've made so far and for being clean so long!

Second, I haven't been in the same situation myself, but I've been in a situation where I was a child of parents that were in a situation like this. My mum did exactly what you are, started getting healthier, gym, hiking etc etc, and my dad loved his food and sitting on the couch, and he got serious anger issues after my mum started living healthier, and would explode at her for nearly anything she said. She never forced him to do anything, and she never threatened to leave him, or anything like that, yet my dad kept accusing her that "she keeps saying she'll leave him so why doesn't she just do it" and taunting her like "did your lover ask you to get in shape". It made things difficult for all of us.
My advice is that you consider going to couples therapy, if possible. It wasn't possible for my parents because my dad is very stuck in his ways and he thinks that psychiatrists are frauds. If not, you could try going to therapy alone, since I can imagine you feel pretty torn between 2 choices, and a psychiatrist will surely be able to give you advice on how to handle this situation, how to calm him down and how to keep yourself calm.
He seems insecure, from what you wrote, so he's very likely afraid that you'll leave him, maybe he feels that you are now way out of his league and can't understand that you'd want to stay with him, him being as he is.
My parents' marriage ended in divorce, (un)fortunately, but that was, really, for the best, however, they decided to wait with divorcing until I grew up and moved out, in order to make the process easier. As bad as this sounds, you need to think about your priorities, and if it comes down to making a decision, you should go with whatever will make you happiest in the long run, not whatever is the easiest one at that moment.
From my perspective (being the child in this situation), I feel like my childhood would've been better if I didn't have to listen to my dad scream at my mum at least once a week and have to console her when she cried after, it certainly sucks to be a child of divorced parents, but it also sucks to grow up with commitment issues and being afraid of marriage (before I got married, and even now, when I am married) due to what my parents' marriage looked like when I was growing up.

girlinahat · November 2017

The following may or may not apply to your relationship, but given some of the red flags in your post it may be worth considering very carefully.

gaslighting

Controlling behaviour: A range of acts making a person subordinate and/or dependent on their abuser. These include isolating them from sources of support, depriving them of means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour: A pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

MySweetLavinia · November 2017

OP, this is a red flag the size of Texas. It's one thing for him to feel new insecurities about your weight loss, or miss eating junk food with you- those are understandable. It's another entirely for him to "blow up" at you, resent you for being healthy, and make you tiptoe around him out of fear that you'll make him angry. That's an emotionally unhealthy relationship, if not an emotionally abusive one. My ex was like that (in his case it was anger about me wanting to have a job and access to our financial info, not weight loss) and when I didn't agree with him he eventually moved onto being physically harmful. Unhealthy relationships take a lot of different forms.

If you really are determined to stay with him, you should go to counseling alone and together. If counseling isn't something you can even bring up as a suggestion, run away from this man. Red flags all over.

Husband Doesn’t Approve

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