I am a failure

Alatariel75 · January 2018

Someone made a suggestion in the Feedback area that we should have a failures section, a counterpoint to the success stories section. I volunteered as tribute, and so here it is.

There it is. I said it. I'm the opposite of a Success Story. I am a failure.

I have been obese, on and off, for 25 years. I have gained lots, lost lots. I don't think I've ever maintained weight for more than a couple of months, I'm either losing or gaining. Usually, I gain back and end up bigger than ever.

I joined MFP in 2012. Got serious about losing weight in 2013, at 116kg (254lbs). Over the course of 18 months, I lost 37kg. I felt great, loved wearing normal clothes, I wasn't done yet but I was on the right track.

In July 2016, I changed jobs to a much more demanding job, my husband was made redundant and my beloved Taekwondo class moved and I couldn't make it any more.

I struggled to find a new TKD class, struggled adjusting to the new job, and struggled with the anxiety of having my husband out of work. By Christmas that year, I'd regained about 5kg.

Despite many, many efforts to get back on track in 2017 (my poor friends list must be so sick of hearing about it), I kept slowly gaining. Then, in mid-2017, I developed chronic, unremitting vertigo. With it came brain fog and massive anxiety.

I started to binge in a way I hadn't done since before I met my husband. I'd grab pastries and muffins on the way to work (yes, that's plural). Lunch would be the most calorific things I could find. Mid-afternoon would see me go to 7-11 for a 2 for 1 deal on king sized chocolate bars, or whole bags of candy which I would then eat, despite feeling ill. On the train on the way home, I'd eat more candy, or chips, or salami sticks. Go home, cook a full dinner (or convince husband to get takeaway), then keep snacking into the night.

I was gaining at a ferocious weight, none of my clothes fit, I was physically uncomfortable, my knees hurt and through it all, I was dizzy, foggy, wildly anxious and more and more depressed.

We think we've found a cause for the vertigo, so there is light at the end of the tunnel which I hope is not a train. It's still there, but I'm feeling better, husband is back at work and I seem to have thrown the binge switch back into the off position.

But I'm back at 105kg, nothing fits, I'm still uncomfortable, my knees still hurt. I swore I'd never ever be here again, and here I am. There's nothing to do but start climbing that mountain again.

So, I'm a failure. I preach a good game, but I utterly buggered this up yet again, and now I'm paying the price for it. I'm the epitome of knowing exactly what to do, and utterly failing to do it. I'm one of the 90+% of people who do not keep the weight off.

People say you haven't failed until you've stopped trying, I say bulldust. You can fail, over and over and over. But you then get a choice whether to try again, or stay a failure. So here I am. Trying again.

Momepro · January 2018

You aren't a failure.You are here and you are trying again despite having MUCH harder hurdles to jump.A failure would just say screw it and keep allowing themselves to give up.Stumbling isn't failing, even if it lasts a while.

robboughton · January 2018

Keep on keeping on. You can do it

88olds · January 2018

Well, no. You won’t you won’t win the argument that you are a failure. Your weight management has not been successful of late. But you are not your weight loss effort. Likewise you are not the number on the scale. Painting weight with such a wide brush ups the ante in an unhelpful way.

I get that you don’t have a recent working program. I get that you aren’t satisfied that you’re a couple of You Can Do Its, and Go Get ‘ems, from being where you want to be. You aren’t into lying to yourself.

But if weight loss was easy, everybody would do it. Weight loss is about problem solving. A dispassionate view of your circumstances is probably more helpful, and more accurate than being all in as a person based on the scale. You can be failing at your plan in real time, but that does not make YOU a failure. It’s not over.

brightresolve · January 2018

Failures don't write things like you just did. I am a yo-yo person myself, small-time, and I get that unremitting sense of having let myself down again and having to start over, again.

There's a famous quote that goes something like: Our greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in getting up again every time we fall.

You inspire me because you are getting up again. All the best to you.

malibu927 · January 2018

I could have written this. I weigh 5.5 pounds more now (as of last Tuesday, the first time I weighed myself in months) than I did when I signed up here in 2014. And trying is so hard, and I do feel like a fraud when I give advice out on here. But you and I, we're going to do this.

tlsb2016 · January 2018

Thank you for sharing your story. I truly believe that we grow mentally and emotionally stronger from the challenge of trying and failing, and picking ourselves up to try again. Eventually we succeed (however we personally define that) and the victory is so much sweeter for the struggle. Good luck to you, from one serial starter to another.

jgnatca · January 2018

“If you aren’t making mistakes then you aren’t doing anything. I am convinced that only doers make mistakes.” - John Wooden

LivingtheLeanDream · January 2018

you've got the tools, you have the know how, now to put it into practice and bit by bit you will lose weight again.

jgnatca · January 2018

Some notable fellow travellers along the tearful path of failure.

http://brainprick.com/winston-churchill-the-journey-to-success-through-failures-and-comebacks/

http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/education/failures.htm

My heroine, Florence Nightingale.

https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/nightingales-the-extraordinary-upbringing-and/9780345451880-item.html

Do3w7 · January 2018

You can do it. I to am a so called expert on what needs to be done. However I have difficulty following my own advise. Back at it again. I remind myself I did not get to the weight I am overnight nor will I get back to my desired weight overnight. But I will get there... each time we learn something.

wizzybeth · January 2018

never mind.

we have similarities.

bbell1985 · January 2018

I'm about half way back up to my starting weight. I went from 163 to 127 (I've been as high as 180 at least). I purposely bulked to 144 but I have only ever gotten as low as 135 and it's only lasted for a couple weeks. I'm now 150 again, plus I am disordered with my eating. I do weird things with food and binge, which I did not do when I was well overweight.

I stopped logging and weighing myself since July and gained 17 pounds. I just weighed myself yesterday. There was lots of crying. I'm trying to get to the bottom of my issues with food and body image. There's just a lot going on there and very difficult for me to figure out without therapy.

If I were to have a family with husband and kids tomorrow, without fixing what weight loss has done to my relationship with food, I would be a mess. I cannot have any food in the house.

mamadon · January 2018

malibu927 wrote: »

I could have written this. I weigh 5.5 pounds more now (as of last Tuesday, the first time I weighed myself in months) than I did when I signed up here in 2014. And trying is so hard, and I do feel like a fraud when I give advice out on here. But you and I, we're going to do this.

Me too, although I don’t comment all that often I do sometimes feel like a fraud. Yes, I have maintained my weight loss and not regained, but it is a struggle almost every day. I sometimes still have huge binge days, when the urge just becomes overwhelming. It amazes me the amount of food I can still consume and then I have huge amounts of guilt. Since I still have such a hard time eating my emotions, I think who am I to give advice.

estherdragonbat · January 2018

This PSA ad has been running in Toronto movie theaters for the last little while. (Probably farther afield, too, but I live in Toronto, so I can only confirm it's running here). It's about smoking, but the message could just as easily be about weight loss too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ol6vQoH7yWE

crazykatlady820 · January 2018

Have you ever watched the show Mythbusters? They have a motto on the show- Failure is always an option. That saying actually brings me comfort. When I am stressed out about something or too scared to try and the crippling anxiety is setting in I remind myself that failure is always an option and I feel relieved. Because failure can and does happen and my life still goes on. When I fail I dust myself off and figure out what I learned. What worked? What didn't work? And then I keep trying.

Failure is always an option but that doesn't mean it's the end.

jkhoffer · January 2018

I don't think you're a failure as you are on here trying again. If you had just given up completely, that might be a different story....but you're not. You know exactly what the issues were that caused you to gain back, that's huge! Some people don't know why they've gained, or don't want to "see" it. You are here, trying again. That's really great! Just take one day at a time.

helene4 · January 2018

You sound like a resilient and strong woman

willow8220 · January 2018

Oh my, your post made me tear up. I am so sorry to read about all your struggles, and wanted to say I can identify with everything you wrote. You certainly are not alone in the struggle to maintain. Sending you a big hug and warm thoughts, you will succeed.

Marilyn0924 · January 2018

Started in 2013 and I lost 30 pounds, started to really feel great and was on the path to reaching my goal weight. Fast-forward 5 years, I'm back to where I started. For me it was a car accident that put me into a bout of anxiety and depression. Regardless of what or why, at some point, we fall flat on our faces, but eventually we get back up, brush ourselves off and try again. I'm ready to get back to it!
Thank you for your honesty, it makes me feel less alone.

fiddletime · January 2018

I post all of the time on here. But. I battle daily with maintenance. I can lose, but like so many others, it often creeps back on, and then I’m out of maintenance. I don’t think of it as failing, and am just glad that I’m in the fight, or I’d be 100 pounds, or 200 pounds (or more) above where I am now.

You lost and then regained. Maybe many times. Good for you for not giving up. All of the “success stories” on here are one point in time. Most of us who’ve been on mfp for years, know how hard it is to maintain the loss. I hope all of the success stories I read are still successes in 5 years, but the odds are against that. Keep plugging away and pat yourself on the back for staying in the game.

robertw486 · January 2018

Alatariel75 wrote: »

People say you haven't failed until you've stopped trying, I say bulldust. You can fail, over and over and over. But you then get a choice whether to try again, or stay a failure. So here I am. Trying again.

I have to say I agree with the "people" you mention above. If you threw in the towel and accepted defeat, you have failed to make progress towards an end goal. But as long as you are still in the game, you haven't failed.

Life throws a lot of twists and turns at all of us. It's not always easy reaching goals. But at some point we make a conscious choice to keep chasing those things that are hard. And in the end it's that kind of dedication and desire that keeps us from failing.

For anyone struggling, don't give in. Accept the hard, sort it out, wait it out, refocus, try something new.... and try again.

P.S. I wasn't a fan of the new "hug" button, but I passed a few out on this thread. I just wish there was still an "awesome" button so I could have done more than "liked" some of the positive responses.

diannethegeek · January 2018

You can come and sit next to me @Alatariel75 because I could have written this myself. I joined in 2012, halfway through my journey already. I lost 55 pounds in 52 weeks and kept it off for maybe a year or so. It was great. I adopted a new style. I was able to shop in stores I'd had to avoid before. I liked my shape and was finding a good balance of food and exercise. I was completely off of my depression meds that year.

In 2013 I gained ten pounds. That wasn't so bad. I took them back off that summer.

In 2014 I gained about twenty pounds. I didn't take any of them back off that year. I stopped weighing myself because I didn't want to stress about the number. I stopped being able to afford a big summer event that would usually push me to lose the weight again. Depression crept back in as I let my exercise routine fall apart. I started eating too much ice cream nightly while I told myself that I could moderate it and I could stop anytime I wanted.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I know I'm back up to or a bit above my starting weight now. I've been concentrating on finding some clothes that fit for the last year so that I'm not punishing myself daily with ill-fitting clothes. I stopped buying ice cream this year, but I haven't started counting again.

This year that big summer event is back in my budget, so I'm going to lose some of it again. They say you shouldn't lose weight for an event because it's hard to keep it off once the event passes, and I'm living proof of that. I stopped watching my weight when I stopped having a reason in my daily life for it. But I also hope that any reason is a good one if it gets you motivated without putting undue stress on someone.

But I remember how hard it was for me the first time around. Counting calories gets rid of one of my big self-soothing methods for anxiety and depression and I've never found a good one to replace it. I'm going to work on that this year with my therapist. I put a lot of stress on myself to lose it on a schedule that my body couldn't keep. The last time around I had a bought with something like, but not quite, orthorexia. I was crying in my friend's drive-ways before parties. It wasn't good and I don't want to get to that point again.

I know what the obstacles are. I hope I know how to avoid them this year. But it is very hard to start over again. I'm hoping that forgiving myself for reaching this weight will help make the process less stressful.

Sabine_Stroehm · January 2018

NOT a failure. NOT. Things change, and we have to change with them! And that's what you're doing.

Glad they're finding something for your vertigo! I got vertigo, brain fog, agitation, insomnia and carb cravings for 3 years. It did not make eating healthy easier. Fortunately some of that (which was peri-menopause for me) is abating as menopause is settling. And, at the end of the menopause roller coaster, I'm 8Lbs over what my profile says.

You can do this!

snowflake954 · January 2018

You are still with us hon. Alot of us have hidden stories and ups and downs. You are far from alone, as you can see. It's important that you keep trying. As for the advice you give--you know better than anyone else how to do it right. Keep on posting and wishing you the best of luck.

pinuplove · January 2018

Taco Cat! You're far from alone. I reached my goal weight in late 2012 but didn't make it stick so I'm here for round 2 with 350 days logged consecutively, lost 15, gained 10 back, and now 20 down in those 350 days.

pogiguy05 · January 2018

You are not a failure cause you are one of us. You are not alone and this is something that happens to the most of us.

https://youtu.be/2i_cmltmQ6A

This is about a research project where they had people live in a controlled environment for 9 months.
If you watch basically our brains are wired to fail us. My only question is how do some keep off weight
and other do not.

PattiRoman · January 2018

I have been up and down my whole life. I found that I have the willpower to lose weight for a while. It's a lot harder maintaining. Don't give up, and thank you for sharing

kdbulger · January 2018

Some perspective:

My mum is a person who, like many of us, has struggled for decades with her weight. It's been up and down, with a few really remarkable losses that she maintained for a few years before the weight crept back up.

Through out it all, she has eaten mostly home cooked meals, and she has gone for a walk every evening for decades when she has been able.

Perhaps she views her weight yo-yo as a failure, but:

-She has excellent blood sugar and heart health. In fact, she has broken a multi-generation curse in my family where everyone has a heart attack at age 55. She has not had any heart trouble, no cholesterol or blood pressure issues, etc. She is super healthy.
- She has maintained remarkable consistency in her physical activity.
- She has enjoyed her balance with food. She has given up some things which didn't do good things for her body like diet soda.

Sometimes failure versus success is a matter of perspective. I know she doesn't always see it this way, but I certainly do. Because of her consistency, and her continued efforts, I didn't have to rush to a hospital to be with her like she did for her mum when I was a kid.

kdbulger · January 2018

And thanks for prompting me to write all that out, because I could have written your original post. It was nice to get some perspective for myself - I am always trying to do better in some way.

wizzybeth · January 2018

pogiguy05 wrote: »

My only question is how do some keep off weight
and other do not.

I didn't keep it off because I gave up tracking. At first it was simply because I thought I had a "handle" on it and could "wing it" with no problem. But then I started not wanting to weigh myself to double check. My new clothes still fit so I was OK. The clothes got a little tighter, but I shrugged it off...water weight. I was growing more and more careless. Then other things happened and I became depressed and discouraged over other issues and took to increasing my wine intake while decreasing my activity level to sulk and to give in to my depressive tendencies.

Then I got sick, and then I knew I had to go back up a size to my fat clothes - this time I really did get on the scale and was so upset to see I'd gained more than 30 of the 50 back that I had lost. Did that jar me back to tracking? Not really. My emotional responses to stressers in my life, coupled with my utter disgust at myself, pushed me to continue in my downward spiral until I got right back to where I started out.

What spurred me on this time? Increasing pain while sleeping, increasing foot pain while walking, increasing leg pain...and a stronger more healthy desire (I think) to be healthy. Previously it was to please my husband and maybe make my kids proud of me - but this time, I just don't care what they think. This has to be for me, and I do not want to spend the next phase of my life in pain, riding a scooter in Walmart because I'm too heavy to walk very far...and possibly die younger than I would have if I were a healthy weight.

This time I know that I know that I know I can't take a significant amount of time off from tracking and logging my food. Maybe for a special occasion day, or at most a vacation of 10 days to 2 weeks - maybe - but no giving it up all together, and no skipping the scale because I want to play ostrich.

My kids are almost 23, 19, and 18. And they've never seen me anything but obese, and at best, extremely overweight. I wasted the best years I could have spent with them, wallowing in pity and fat.

I am a failure

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