High school bully
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I was bullied in middle school unmercifully, by multiple people (guys and girls) ironically because I was very underweight. Every day was torture. This was over 30 years ago for me and I would have a hard time not punching one of these people if I ran into them now. No one has a right to do that to someone. Saw one of them at my 20 year high school reunion and almost cackled in joy to see that he lives alone and is obsessed with his dog. I don't like such mean spirited thoughts, but honestly, if I had the chance to live my entire life over again, I wouldn't do it unless I could skip middle school. I've never been so miserable.3
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And OP, you have no obligation to forgive, or even give him the time of day.2
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Alatariel75 wrote: »Ugh, the "he liked you" posts are making my skin crawl. He didn't like you, he was a nasty little SOB. He may have had his own stuff going on, but that doesn't change him being a nasty SOB. You responded to him perfectly.
And the people gaslighting the OP and saying it probably wasn't as bad as she remembers clearly never got significantly bullied in school.
I was badly bullied in the end of primary school and first year high school. I put an end to it by becoming really scary and getting in with the bad crowd. Put an end to the bullying, but also derailed my life for a decade (I'd been a great student but ended up dropping out and getting into stuff i shouldn't have).
ETA: If any of you saying he secretly liked her have daughters, PLEASE never tell her that. All you're telling her is it's ok, and perfectly excusable, for a guy who likes her to treat her like *kitten*.
Yes yes yes. Standing ovation.
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Sorry, this is a massive bugbear of mine.
The 12 year old girl who comes home crying because a boy called her names and hit her and gets told "oh, honey, it's just because he likes you!" grows into the woman who doesn't believe she can come home to you crying after a man throws her into a wall and chokes her because you taught her he does it because he loves her.
When you tell a girl that a boy is mean and nasty and even violent towards her because he likes her, you're not only telling her its ok, you're actually telling her its kind of cute. Plus, it gives the idea that maybe if she's nicer to him, he'll stop being mean and start acting like he likes her. It breeds women who think that the best way to deal with an abusive man is to understand that he just does it because he loves her, and that she should be nicer to him so he'll stop.
It also tells boys that it's perfectly OK to be mean. abusive and even violent towards girls they like.14 -
I can say with 100% certainty I never had a moment thinking he liked me. It was scary and every day was eggshells. I have a nine year old and it kills me to think of her dealing with some experience I’ve read on this post.6
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Alatariel75 wrote: »Sorry, this is a massive bugbear of mine.
The 12 year old girl who comes home crying because a boy called her names and hit her and gets told "oh, honey, it's just because he likes you!" grows into the woman who doesn't believe she can come home to you crying after a man throws her into a wall and chokes her because you taught her he does it because he loves her.
When you tell a girl that a boy is mean and nasty and even violent towards her because he likes her, you're not only telling her its ok, you're actually telling her its kind of cute. Plus, it gives the idea that maybe if she's nicer to him, he'll stop being mean and start acting like he likes her. It breeds women who think that the best way to deal with an abusive man is to understand that he just does it because he loves her, and that she should be nicer to him so he'll stop.
It also tells boys that it's perfectly OK to be mean. abusive and even violent towards girls they like.
So right!!! Excellent post3 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Ugh, the "he liked you" posts are making my skin crawl. He didn't like you, he was a nasty little SOB. He may have had his own stuff going on, but that doesn't change him being a nasty SOB. You responded to him perfectly.
And the people gaslighting the OP and saying it probably wasn't as bad as she remembers clearly never got significantly bullied in school.
I was badly bullied in the end of primary school and first year high school. I put an end to it by becoming really scary and getting in with the bad crowd. Put an end to the bullying, but also derailed my life for a decade (I'd been a great student but ended up dropping out and getting into stuff i shouldn't have).
ETA: If any of you saying he secretly liked her have daughters, PLEASE never tell her that. All you're telling her is it's ok, and perfectly excusable, for a guy who likes her to treat her like *kitten*.
Yessssssss!!!!2 -
amyteacake wrote: »I was bullied for the majority of my high school years, minus one year after most of the bullies had left the school early.
Most of it was due to my weight. I was heavier in high school and due to the bullying I would eat to escape. I've had food thrown at me, blue tac stuck in my hair - I had to cut bits of my long hair off because it just wouldn't come out, even when I washed it and friends had to help me. I had things taken out of my bag and hidden from me. People would also post things on my Facebook as well, talking about me on my stats like I wasn't there.
I had a guy that I liked make fun of my weight, make fun of my face and how I have chubby cheeks, calling me a hamster and telling me that I have no *kitten*. When I first started dating my boyfriend I thought he would do the same but I know now that he loves me no matter what. He loves my chubby cheeks and we make jokes about how he has a better *kitten* than me.
Another time I was bullied was because I smelled, apparently. It got to the point where an entire classroom, minus one or two other students, were bullying me; telling me that I smelled and it was disgusting. People would hold their breath when they passed by me. It happened in multiple classes. I'm now paranoid that I smell, even if I'm at the gym and sweating and everyone else around me doesn't care.
I got the whole "you smell" thing as well... I forgot about that... That was actually what provoked much of the torture on the bus.
My parents were chain-smokers. And we had multiple dogs in the house so yeah I am certain that I smelled bad as well... I remember kids "fake spraying" themselves with "disinfectant" if they accidentally touched me ...or if someone had to sit on a seat that I was previously on they would "spray " it. And if I touched them or bumped into them, they'd would cry out "oh no she's corroded me."
Wow I forgot all about that...Mean kids suck. And it had nothing to do with anybody liking me.3 -
If a girl hit you and bullied you, would it be because she liked you and wanted to be your friend ? Heck no!! It’s a pretty lame attitude from past generations to excuse a boy’s misbehavior as some kind of misdirected desire to be your pal. That attitude bugs me so much!! When you’re a kid and come home in tears because a boy yanked your hair, and Mom says “oh, that means he likes you”, she’s just minimized your feelings and given the other kid a pass. Aaargh!7
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Thank you everyone for your comments. I hope I didn’t come off as a person who holds a grudge or that I have no mercy for someone who can change. I think it’s okay sometimes just to say.. “no it’s not ok. Good luck to ya but as far as I’m concerned you are nothing.” That’s how he made me feel. And it’s not because he had a crush on me. I know that much. Thanks again!
I don't think you came off like you were oversensitive or holding a grudge or misreading the situation.
You have no obligation to let anyone back into your life who hurt you even if they have changed and are sorry. You handled it fine.
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I can say with 100% certainty I never had a moment thinking he liked me. It was scary and every day was eggshells. I have a nine year old and it kills me to think of her dealing with some experience I’ve read on this post.
It's the stupid fallacy that girls are often taught as kids "Oh he's doing it because he likes you". And it needs to stop being told and believed. Boys will be boys and he's doing it because he likes you need to die in a fire. Like, thirty years ago at least. No more excusing them for *kitten* behavior.7 -
I remember 2 bullies who were in high school when I was in grade school. They bullied everyone. One spent his adult life in and out of mental institutions. The other one lived in a home where his dad beat his mom on a pretty regular basis, and then dad went out with his girlfriends. The kid committed suicide when he was about 30.
I agree totally bullying is not okay and must be stopped.
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Recently here a girl took her own life bc she was bullied on SM. The state Govt's are beginning to realise that this is a bigger problem on SM these days than they have realised. I was bullied when i was a kid for my name and you know what it made me tougher, thicker skinned but all the same it would have been nice not to been exposed to it in the first place.
The best action to take especially if you have children is education at a young at around all types of bullying and a zero tolerence against accepting it.1 -
I just asked my husband how he behaved in school towards girls that he liked. I asked him did you bully them? Did you say mean things to them? Did you taunt them and mock them?
He said no never and it's the stupidest thing he ever heard.3 -
I'm gonna say that he picked on that particular aspect (weight) because he was self concious about his weight/appearance. Strange that he would pick on a girl for that. Most guys who are self concious about their appearance make fun of another guys appearance.0
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I have only ever experienced bullying about my weight from one person my entire life. I don’t know what his problem was but in high school there was one guy who went out of his way to make me miserable. I dated 3 guys over high school in his circle of friends and each time he would pick on them for liking me. He even made things up about me to them to try and encourage them to dump me. The fat jokes were endless and it went as far as stealing my purse and dumping in the trash. Fast forward 15 years, yesterday I see a friend request from him on my Facebook. Really? I sent him a message basically telling him that I appreciate him being such a kitten to me because it showed me exactly who I don’t want to be. I really can’t imagine being that mean. I still have no idea why he singled me out this way. I basically told him I’ve grown from wishing he gets hit by a bus to just hoping he’s changed. (Unlikely and secretly the bus thing is still fine with me) My imperfect body obviously offended him greatly. Have you ever been a bully or been bullied this way?
Just saying here OP. You don't talk about the bully hitting you--did he? Alot of responders seem to think he did. Mental abuse is not OK either, but there is a point where the line must be drawn. Just curious because everyone is jumping into the physical abuse thing. In your OP you say he made you miserable teasing you, name calling and telling his friends to stop dating you. How far did the bullying go?
PS: You also say you've put it past you, but it seems not to me.1 -
I never said anything about him touching me. He stole my belongings and wrote on my locker. So those are assumptions. I said I hadn’t seen his name or him in years and he sent me request. So yes seeing that after all this time dredged up these feelings. I’ve hardly been crying myself to sleep over it for 15 years if that’s what you mean. It’s not something I think about daily but when I saw he still exists obviously it took me there. So? What’s the point?snowflake954 wrote: »I have only ever experienced bullying about my weight from one person my entire life. I don’t know what his problem was but in high school there was one guy who went out of his way to make me miserable. I dated 3 guys over high school in his circle of friends and each time he would pick on them for liking me. He even made things up about me to them to try and encourage them to dump me. The fat jokes were endless and it went as far as stealing my purse and dumping in the trash. Fast forward 15 years, yesterday I see a friend request from him on my Facebook. Really? I sent him a message basically telling him that I appreciate him being such a kitten to me because it showed me exactly who I don’t want to be. I really can’t imagine being that mean. I still have no idea why he singled me out this way. I basically told him I’ve grown from wishing he gets hit by a bus to just hoping he’s changed. (Unlikely and secretly the bus thing is still fine with me) My imperfect body obviously offended him greatly. Have you ever been a bully or been bullied this way?
Just saying here OP. You don't talk about the bully hitting you--did he? Alot of responders seem to think he did. Mental abuse is not OK either, but there is a point where the line must be drawn. Just curious because everyone is jumping into the physical abuse thing. In your OP you say he made you miserable teasing you, name calling and telling his friends to stop dating you. How far did the bullying go?
PS: You also say you've put it past you, but it seems not to me.
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I never said anything about him touching me. He stole my belongings and wrote on my locker. So those are assumptions. I said I hadn’t seen his name or him in years and he sent me request. So yes seeing that after all this time dredged up these feelings. I’ve hardly been crying myself to sleep over it for 15 years if that’s what you mean. It’s not something I think about daily but when I saw he still exists obviously it took me there. So? What’s the point?snowflake954 wrote: »I have only ever experienced bullying about my weight from one person my entire life. I don’t know what his problem was but in high school there was one guy who went out of his way to make me miserable. I dated 3 guys over high school in his circle of friends and each time he would pick on them for liking me. He even made things up about me to them to try and encourage them to dump me. The fat jokes were endless and it went as far as stealing my purse and dumping in the trash. Fast forward 15 years, yesterday I see a friend request from him on my Facebook. Really? I sent him a message basically telling him that I appreciate him being such a kitten to me because it showed me exactly who I don’t want to be. I really can’t imagine being that mean. I still have no idea why he singled me out this way. I basically told him I’ve grown from wishing he gets hit by a bus to just hoping he’s changed. (Unlikely and secretly the bus thing is still fine with me) My imperfect body obviously offended him greatly. Have you ever been a bully or been bullied this way?
Just saying here OP. You don't talk about the bully hitting you--did he? Alot of responders seem to think he did. Mental abuse is not OK either, but there is a point where the line must be drawn. Just curious because everyone is jumping into the physical abuse thing. In your OP you say he made you miserable teasing you, name calling and telling his friends to stop dating you. How far did the bullying go?
PS: You also say you've put it past you, but it seems not to me.
The point is alot of people have been bullied and were miserable. Alot of us carry that resentment around with us for years and can't let it go. It usually happens in school when we're growing and changing and super sensitive. The best thing is to confront your tormenter THEN when it's happening, and hopefully put a stop to it. Once years pass that's not an option. You confronted him now and told him off. I'm surprised that you didn't get a closing from what should have given you alot of satisfaction. So I asked myself--and if after time has passed he wanted to say he was sorry. Would you feel differently now--better? Perhaps, just perhaps, he realizes he was a jerk to you. Don't you think it's curious that he would show up out of the blue and want to friend you on FB? Not that you would have to accept an apology, and you could tell him why, but hearing him say it might close the hurt off a bit.2 -
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I do feel satisfaction from telling him how I felt. He wrote back with a thumbs up and laugh face. That says all I need to know about his intentions. Nothing else. Of course I would encourage kids today to confront the bully then. I don’t have a time machine. I figured it would be worse if I told like I think alot of kids do. All I can do is push forward and instill better tactics of handling weasels like him in my daughter. I just wanted to let him no that my boundaries are set. Period. Good luck to him.snowflake954 wrote: »
I never said anything about him touching me. He stole my belongings and wrote on my locker. So those are assumptions. I said I hadn’t seen his name or him in years and he sent me request. So yes seeing that after all this time dredged up these feelings. I’ve hardly been crying myself to sleep over it for 15 years if that’s what you mean. It’s not something I think about daily but when I saw he still exists obviously it took me there. So? What’s the point?snowflake954 wrote: »I have only ever experienced bullying about my weight from one person my entire life. I don’t know what his problem was but in high school there was one guy who went out of his way to make me miserable. I dated 3 guys over high school in his circle of friends and each time he would pick on them for liking me. He even made things up about me to them to try and encourage them to dump me. The fat jokes were endless and it went as far as stealing my purse and dumping in the trash. Fast forward 15 years, yesterday I see a friend request from him on my Facebook. Really? I sent him a message basically telling him that I appreciate him being such a kitten to me because it showed me exactly who I don’t want to be. I really can’t imagine being that mean. I still have no idea why he singled me out this way. I basically told him I’ve grown from wishing he gets hit by a bus to just hoping he’s changed. (Unlikely and secretly the bus thing is still fine with me) My imperfect body obviously offended him greatly. Have you ever been a bully or been bullied this way?
Just saying here OP. You don't talk about the bully hitting you--did he? Alot of responders seem to think he did. Mental abuse is not OK either, but there is a point where the line must be drawn. Just curious because everyone is jumping into the physical abuse thing. In your OP you say he made you miserable teasing you, name calling and telling his friends to stop dating you. How far did the bullying go?
PS: You also say you've put it past you, but it seems not to me.
The point is alot of people have been bullied and were miserable. Alot of us carry that resentment around with us for years and can't let it go. It usually happens in school when we're growing and changing and super sensitive. The best thing is to confront your tormenter THEN when it's happening, and hopefully put a stop to it. Once years pass that's not an option. You confronted him now and told him off. I'm surprised that you didn't get a closing from what should have given you alot of satisfaction. So I asked myself--and if after time has passed he wanted to say he was sorry. Would you feel differently now--better? Perhaps, just perhaps, he realizes he was a jerk to you. Don't you think it's curious that he would show up out of the blue and want to friend you on FB? Not that you would have to accept an apology, and you could tell him why, but hearing him say it might close the hurt off a bit.
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Let him *KNOW sorry.1
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So. Based on his reply, survey says .. dude is still a total kitten at 30. Maybe he’ll never procreate.1
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I have no idea why you guys, but I really don’t get the “he just liked you” vibe theory here. He was straight up cruel.
Even if this were the case we need to drop kick this excuse from our society. That is some crazy logic... Like a girl is supposed to be flattered by attention even if it's negative attention.
this behavior is not okay. Ever. I don't care what the underlying cause is.2 -
tmoneyag99 wrote: »I have no idea why you guys, but I really don’t get the “he just liked you” vibe theory here. He was straight up cruel.
Even if this were the case we need to drop kick this excuse from our society. That is some crazy logic... Like a girl is supposed to be flattered by attention even if it's negative attention.
this behavior is not okay. Ever. I don't care what the underlying cause is.
I ageee whole heartedly. It was alarming how many times this was suggested.2 -
This made me laugh out loud. His fiancée is absolutely gorgeous and fit. Idk how he managed that one. But he has always been totally chubby too and still is. He is also missing a front tooth. Not that I would make fun of someone for that but it always made me scratch my head. Like you are going in on me? He looks like Jack Black after being hit in the face with a bat. Just being honest. That’s the truth.Could you tell him to call me? I'm single, 5'5" and 250 lbs. He's probably remorseful, broke, a secret chub lover, still a bit mentally off kilter and desperate for company. It might work out with us. And if he steals my purse or writes slurs on my shower curtain, it would be my pleasure to school him.
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I would post a pic if that wouldn’t be too creepy and extra. And y’all would wonder how he gets off making fun of anyone. But I won’t.0
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Mostly I got glowerd at. There was this group of girls who were always a dark cloud, like if you were having fun, they'd frown at you. like WTF?! you just ate a lemon or something? come on and join in on the fun! I basically learned to ignore them. The fellas would tease me but I'd just tease em back which I thought was fun because it sharpened my wit and thickened my skin. Most of my classmates remember me as "the weird fun girl that nobody got to hang with". Oh well, sucks to be you, shoulda spent some time with me instead of trying to control me!1
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I got bullied a few times due to my weight, but after the third time of getting called names by a few people I challenged them on it, one person pushed me so i fought back ended up winning the fight because in theory i was larger lol so hit a lot harder
. After my second fight, no one ever messed with me again...bullies don't like it when the victim fights back.
Win or lose, you still win...if that makes sense.1
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