You do you I'll do me? Is that ok or disrespectful?

mcfish618 · February 2018

I have lost abou 67 lbs and was able to keep it off for 7 years with very disciplined diet and exercise. Over the last 12 months I have started to gain a lot more body fat/ less lean muscle while putting on about 6 lbs. Please hear me loud and clear I am not blaming anyone else but, do you think it is ok or disrespectful for young adult kids and husband to eat whatever the want including take out, cookies, homemade bread, ice cream when you kindly ask to please not bake this stuff right now as I am trying to get back on track and it is so tempting having it in front of me all the time??? Hubby is nearly up to 300 lbs and although he used to eat healthy and had a major weight loss he feels it is to hard and just enjoys food to much to deprive himself...His words I don't gripe about smelling your brussel sprouts and cauliflower rice so stop complaining you smell my bread, brownies and cookies! Lol

TavistockToad · February 2018

I think I wouldn't tell my husband what to eat - if he wants to bake bread he can. I would be sad if I couldn't fit it into my weekly cals so I would maybe ask him to make it on my long run day so I could have some.

ladyhusker39 · February 2018

I don't think it's appropriate to tell other adults what to eat. However, in a loving and respectful relationship you should be able to discuss your needs and wants without the mean spirited and hurtful response.

Alatariel75 · February 2018

I think there is a middle ground where it's not an expectation but an action taken out of mutual respect and affection. I don't ask my husband not to eat things in front of me. I don't expect others to change their ways because I'm changing mine. But I wouldn't have a problem asking my husband, who loves and respects me, to do something a little out of his way to make things easier on me if I'm having a tough time the way they are.

To me, the troubles start when you expect people to change just because you're trying to, or demand that they don't do something they've always done just because you've decided you're not doing it anymore.

asviles · February 2018

It's foolish to think that the way you eat won't impact the way the rest of your family eats. If you make sweets and constantly have them around and are constantly eating them around someone trying to lose weight then you are forcing them to add extra effort and willpower to being able to deny the food. Your hubby may not love those foods, he may be addicted to those foods. Sugar addiction is a thing, if you don't believe me, cut it out entirely for one week sticking only to complex carbs and tell me you don't have withdrawal symptoms.

My wife tried to do MFP and CICO a while back but I wasn't on board. Because I made most of the food or went out for food a lot, my wife really didn't stand much of a chance and ended up giving up.

When I started MFP and she jumped back on track with me, we both lost weight and never suffered. If you love food, truly love it, then imagine how much you'll enjoy it if you bank enough calories during the work wee to have one crazy meal on Saturday. I used to do this with Popeye's. I'd pull in 3,000 calories of Popeye's for dinner after eating clean and exercising all week and banking enough calories that I could go crazy AND do it without guilt.

Suffer the discomfort of discipline now or the agony of regret later.

That being said, he's an adult, you can't make him change, only encourage him.

mcfish618 · February 2018

Asviles-Oh trust me the addiction to sweets/ sugar is real!!! I have had that struggle my entire life, was pre-diabetic and my triglycerides were 4 times the normal range. Sweets were my crack.
I appreciate the insight you all have shared and understand I won't change him, just wish I did not have to face these fresh baked goods mocking me all day! Lol asked if he would take the to work to share with the guys but did not like that idea.

4legsRbetterthan2 · February 2018

I too struggle when temptations are right in front of my face. I ask my husband to please keep his treats out of my sight. He puts them on top of our kitchen cabinets (he is tall!) where I can't see them or keeps them in his office. That way he can have what he wants when he wants but I don't have to constantly see them and tell myself no. Works well for us.

JaydedMiss · February 2018

ladyhusker39 wrote: »

I don't think it's appropriate to tell other adults what to eat. However, in a loving and respectful relationship you should be able to discuss your needs and wants without the mean spirited and hurtful response.

This. Its really not appropriate to tell him not to eat the foods, Or to not eat them around you. However i do think it may be appropriate to ask him to maybe buy some stuff from a really good bakery premade and keep it out of your direct view (Not left right on the counter after making your house smell delicious-Fresh bread is rediculous). He loves you and wants you happy and healthy (and sexy and fit of course ;D ) A compromise can be made in most situations. What compromise will work for you two will be found when you very seriously bring it up. Make it clear its important to you but dont tell him he CANT do something that never works.

"Honey i really want to be serious on this and be healthy, I need your support in this. You don't need to eat healthy with me but maybe we can find a way to both get what we want. Its simply to tempting seeing/smelling delicious treats when im trying to get on track. Perhaps down the road a little when im on track. Can we find out a way to both be happy?"

r3488 · February 2018

My sister has her husband hide "goodies" from her so only he knows where they are and eats them.

h1udd · February 2018

I wouldn’t dream of forcing my diet nutrition choices on my wife or child. They are not partaking in my choice to loose weight so denying them their regular food is just not going to happen. To the point I happily baked a cake this weekend for them .... it was a struggle, I managed to refrain from eating the cake ... although I licked the spoon a few too many times and didn’t log it !!

kristen8000 · February 2018

When I was really trying to get some "extra" weight off I had to tell myself that I had "my food" and my live in BF had "his". I'd tell myself "I don't eat that". And it worked well.

OP, you started this post by saying "You do you and I'll do me". Yes, that's exactly what you need to do. You need to figure out how to find enough "stubborness" to resist those foods that your hubby and kids are eating. You need to want to lose weight/be healthy enough to cook a second meal and skip dessert. This has NOTHING to do with your house mates, this has something to do with you being too weak and asking for others to change. And that, in my book, is wrong. It's not fair to think that everyone will "forever" make it so that you have no temptations. They will always be there. You need to learn to tell yourself "NO". Not change other people's actions.

Azdak · February 2018

I wouldn’t dream of forcing my diet choices on my spouse but I also wouldn’t hesitate to support her any way I could by making modest changes in my routines/habits. Most of the time, my wife doesn’t have to even ask. In a daily partnership, I am always aware of what’s going on in her life and anticipate ways in which we can be supportive of each other—whether it’s food or other things.

lemurcat12 · February 2018

mcfish618 wrote: »

do you think it is ok or disrespectful for young adult kids and husband to eat whatever the want including take out, cookies, homemade bread, ice cream when you kindly ask to please not bake this stuff right now as I am trying to get back on track and it is so tempting having it in front of me all the time???

Young kids, no, but you have control over what they have available in the house anyway.

Your husband, I think -- as others have said -- that saying he can't eat certain foods or bake bread (if baking bread is something he enjoys) or so on is obviously not appropriate BUT also that he should be open to a discussion of how to make this easier for you and if he wants the foods maybe be understanding of you too. A special spot for his sweets or eating them at work. I also think that it makes sense for a family to eat meals together (dinner, at least), so if he wants take-out maybe talk about having take-out or going out once a week or something like that (and see if there are places with options that work for you).

If he is completely not willing to adjust his actions at all, that seems kind of disrespectful, and I might wonder if he is resistant to what you are doing or feeling pressured to change his own diet or some such -- maybe worth talking about.

That said, sometimes you don't have control (my office is my biggest source of temptation and I have no control there, although I think that's not the same). newmeadow's comments are something to think about if it is going to be a tough environment at home. I do think ignoring what others eat or thinking of things as your food and their food can be useful, if necessary.

mcfish618 · February 2018

You are correct kristen8000 it takes a lot of stubbornness and self discipline to go to the gym or workout at home 3-5 days a week, log your food, make healthy choices and maintain that for 7 years. For me it is not about wanting to stay a size 4, but to do everything I can to try and cut my risk of diabetes and breast cancer that run throughout my family. And I agreee, I don't have the right to dictate what he eats. But it does break your heart seeing someone you love continue to make food choices that is negatively impacting his health .

I will agree to disagree with your unkind words of "it has something to do with you being too weak and asking for others to change".... We are all human, and I like to think in this together to encourage and support each other when reaching out for suggestions to cope with the struggle.

TR0berts · February 2018

When I go on a cut, I simply ask my wife to not have the treats that I really like in the house. I have no issue with her having treats that she likes and that I can relatively easily avoid consuming. Fortunately, she takes my wishes into consideration and tries to accommodate them/me.

mcfish618 · February 2018

Thank you for taking time to offer some great advice and options. A lot of helpful ideas and suggestions, so true it is all about compromise!

kristen8000 · February 2018

mcfish618 wrote: »

You are correct kristen8000 it takes a lot of stubbornness and self discipline to go to the gym or workout at home 3-5 days a week, log your food, make healthy choices and maintain that for 7 years. For me it is not about wanting to stay a size 4, but to do everything I can to try and cut my risk of diabetes and breast cancer that run throughout my family. And I agreee, I don't have the right to dictate what he eats. But it does break your heart seeing someone you love continue to make food choices that is negatively impacting his health .

I will agree to disagree with your unkind words of "it has something to do with you being too weak and asking for others to change".... We are all human, and I like to think in this together to encourage and support each other when reaching out for suggestions to cope with the struggle.

OP, I didn't mean to be unkind. But I think it's totally irrational to ask someone to change, period. Ever. For any reason. And that's pretty much what you are asking your husband and kids to do. They are adults, it's there lives. I applaud you for wanting to be healthy, but you can't insist others are too. Even if it hurts you to watch. I have several close friends that have really unhealthy habits and are overweight and I hope that they take control of that on their own. I can't do anything about that. They will figure it out in their own time - maybe that's what they want - and that's fine, because it's their life.

missysippy930 · February 2018

You realized your goals and have managed for many years.
Keep doing what you did to reach your amazing statistic that so many fail at, keeping the weight off. You can only control what you do yourself. Just lead by example and maybe that will eventually rub off onto your family.

I know it isn't easy, but hang in there! I am one of the statistics who lost over half of my body weight 6 years ago on MFP, gained back 60 pounds and that is why I am back, hopefully, I can get the extra pounds off and, this time, keep them off.

amfmmama · February 2018

You cannot control anyone else's actions...only how you choose to react. This is true for so many things!

Need2Exerc1se · February 2018

It is very disrespectful of both the spouse and children. Whether they want or plan to change their diet is not so much the issue as is their complete lack of support for someone they should love and respect. You are his spouse. You are their mother. You are struggling and they refuse to help. Yes, that is disrespect.

blueheartrisen · February 2018

If you are making a change for you, do it for you. If someone said to me, I need to lose 6 pounds and because of that I no longer want YOU to eat takeout or make any homemade treats...uhhh, no thanks???

It probably comes across as a little dramatic and controlling to people who probably don't even notice a 6 pound gain over the course of a year. I understand that 6 pounds might feel like a lot to you, and that is where the you do you comes in. Don't make everyone around you suffer for your vanity weight!

There will always be temptation around, wherever you go. I agree with the people who said that you need to keep your eyes on your own plate and if there is food that is not yours, completely dissociate yourself from it. Not your food, not your problem. (Either that or log portioned amounts into your food diary and enjoy them, in moderation and in a way that furthers your goals...you absolutely can eat treats and still lose weight).

You also might want to closely examine your motivations, especially in regard to your 300 pound husband. Does some part of you resent him for gaining the weight and eating (having food around) in a way to be that weight?

CSARdiver · February 2018

You can't change anyone other than yourself. Trying to do so is an especially pointless and useless endeavor.

Change yourself and lead by example. Your husband will either follow you or go his own way in his own time. You can either choose to accept this or not.

JoRocka · February 2018

CSARdiver wrote: »

You can't change anyone other than yourself. Trying to do so is an especially pointless and useless endeavor.

Change yourself and lead by example. Your husband will either follow you or go his own way in his own time. You can either choose to accept this or not.

^^this is pretty much it.

stanmann571 · February 2018

I'm reading some resentment that may go both ways. It might be beneficial to have a serious conversation being upfront about the emotions and subcontext.

He may be feeling left behind and you're feeling sabotaged and that's a recipe for disaster.

mamabear1114 · February 2018

Hmmm. For me it was easy because although my husband didn’t actively make a choice to pursue a healthy lifestyle with me, I happen to be the family chef and prepare all of his meals so he was forced to eat better by default LOL. But he thought it was nice and he was always supportive of me no matter what we were eating. We try to work it out together. For instance, he will ask me to make green bean casserole (a delicious, fattening, calorific nightmare for my allowance) and sometimes I will say “yeah that’s fine” and sometimes I will say “no, I don’t have enough calories for that today, let’s plan for it tomorrow” and normally he is satisfied with that. As others have said, I think talking about it and trying to make a plan together where you will both be happy and enjoy food together is the best approach. The only time it happens to bother me a lot is when his not so great habits trickle down onto our son. Again, no unreasonable expectations, but since I started this I’ve realized how important it is to teach our children nutrition and good habits. It’s become a parenting moral for me and it’s important to me that he’s on the same page about how we present diet and food to our children. But that’s another matter, and for the most part, talking with him about my feelings on that has helped. There’s a reason people say communication is invaluable in a marriage. Talk it out. Make a solution that will leave you both happy, satisfied, and successful.

janejellyroll · February 2018

I don't expect my husband to change what he eats just because I have specific weight or fitness goals.

They have to be my goals, I don't expect him to have the will power for me.

PapillonNoire · February 2018

Ultimately, it does boil down to personal accountability. You alone are responsible for your food choices, and it's not realistic to think you'll never run into temptation.

But, with that being said, my husband is currently trying to lose weight and improve his health. I want to be supportive of that and do what little I can to help him succeed. So even though I don't need to lose weight, I'm not going to bring foods that he has trouble moderating into the house. I'm not going to eat them in front of him. That just seems kind of mean. I can eat whatever I want at work or out with friends. If the situation were reversed, he would show me the same respect.

Bekah7482 · February 2018

My fiance and I are very open about my needs and he is respectful of them. I dont tell him he can't eat pizza, I just ask him not to bring it into our home and he is respectful of that. I do not think it is disrespectful at all to express what you need from him and he should be supportive of that. You are not telling him what he cant eat and you are not telling him he needs to follow your diet, you are just expressing your trigger foods and he should respect that.

lulalacroix · February 2018

janejellyroll wrote: »

I don't expect my husband to change what he eats just because I have specific weight or fitness goals.

They have to be my goals, I don't expect him to have the will power for me.

This.

Christine_72 · February 2018

My husband is a chip and chocolate fiend! He is kind enough to wait til i go to bed to bring out his stash... "most" times.

I do ask him not to buy my (our) trigger foods, and he agrees not to as he he is trying to lose a few kgs at the moment, so him not buying this stuff helps me, but also himself. He now only buys a block of chocolate and 2 family size bags of chips once a month or so.

Maxxitt · February 2018

It would be awesome to see evidence that your spouse and young adult kids are on your team. But they aren't, for whatever reason. So, yeah, you do you.

You do you I'll do me? Is that ok or disrespectful?

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