Any fellow ed-survivors out there? Story time!
andreaen
Posts: 365 Member
Hi everyone! I am sure there must be some other survivors out there 
Let's connect and share our stories so that other girls and boys can see that there is a light in the tunnel of these horrible diseases. If you are still struggling, feel free to share your story anyway as maybe someone else can give you some advice - you just haven't finished your story yet, but it is coming!
I'll start:
Throughout my childhood and early teens I was a seemingly very average kid. I wasn’t the most popular girl in school, but I had friends and was never bullied. I wasn’t the brightest, but my grades were OK. I hated exercise and sports, but I would do swimming and play on a basketball team with my friends. I wasn’t skinny, but I wasn’t fat either.
Then, literally over night, something clicked in my head. I refused to be that girl anymore. I decided I was fat, and for anyone to ever care about me I had to be skinny. So skinny I became. Very, very, skinny. And then my doctor had me admitted to the hospital against my will to save my life.
The coming moths would be a rollercoaster of hospitalizations where I would gain about 10kg, being released to lose it all within weeks, then being admitted again. I was a wreck, and to be honest I don’t remember much from this time at all. My brain wasn’t functioning.
After a while I was admitted to a place where not only would they not just force feed me and then let me out, but they also showed me love and respect. I owe my life to that place, and when I got out after 6 months my life had changed. I will admit I was still tempted to go back to my old patterns, but knowing I was closing in on my 18th birthday and would be admitted to the adult psych ward I decided to get my *kitten* together.
To commit fully to this decision I bought a dog, my everything, who I had full responsibility for. Knowing I had no one to take her if I went away, and also knowing I couldn’t be without her, I was determined to keep my weight high enough to avoid further hospitalizations.
However, my relationship with food was extremely bad, and I ended up having 80% of my calories from the liquid milk based drinks they feed old people and people who are too sick to eat for more than a year. I finally started to eat more after some big changes in my family, and as I went off to university two years after buying my dog I ate almost all my meals.
Still, from getting out of the hospital and until the end of my 4th year of university (6 years that is) I was petrified of gaining weight. I had started lifting weights, and knew I wanted to gain muscle, but all I could see in the mirror was fat. I would slowly manage to gain a few kilos, but I hated myself the entire time.
It was only this past summer I really god fully past my fear of food. I stopped counting for a while, I started living more, and lo and behold I did not get fat. Now I track in periods where I have a goal, either gaining or shedding a few pounds, but I am fine with not knowing or eating out. Life is more than macronutrients!
I also have gotten a lot better in the gym and have started to grow a booty which was non-existent before. I even got a certification as an online coach, finally feeling I had the knowledge and mindset in place to be able to help others. Life has only gotten better since starting to give fewer *kitten*, and I can’t wait to see what I can do with my future now that my mind isn’t occupied with calculating the calories of everything all the time!
Let's connect and share our stories so that other girls and boys can see that there is a light in the tunnel of these horrible diseases. If you are still struggling, feel free to share your story anyway as maybe someone else can give you some advice - you just haven't finished your story yet, but it is coming!
I'll start:
Throughout my childhood and early teens I was a seemingly very average kid. I wasn’t the most popular girl in school, but I had friends and was never bullied. I wasn’t the brightest, but my grades were OK. I hated exercise and sports, but I would do swimming and play on a basketball team with my friends. I wasn’t skinny, but I wasn’t fat either.
Then, literally over night, something clicked in my head. I refused to be that girl anymore. I decided I was fat, and for anyone to ever care about me I had to be skinny. So skinny I became. Very, very, skinny. And then my doctor had me admitted to the hospital against my will to save my life.
The coming moths would be a rollercoaster of hospitalizations where I would gain about 10kg, being released to lose it all within weeks, then being admitted again. I was a wreck, and to be honest I don’t remember much from this time at all. My brain wasn’t functioning.
After a while I was admitted to a place where not only would they not just force feed me and then let me out, but they also showed me love and respect. I owe my life to that place, and when I got out after 6 months my life had changed. I will admit I was still tempted to go back to my old patterns, but knowing I was closing in on my 18th birthday and would be admitted to the adult psych ward I decided to get my *kitten* together.
To commit fully to this decision I bought a dog, my everything, who I had full responsibility for. Knowing I had no one to take her if I went away, and also knowing I couldn’t be without her, I was determined to keep my weight high enough to avoid further hospitalizations.
However, my relationship with food was extremely bad, and I ended up having 80% of my calories from the liquid milk based drinks they feed old people and people who are too sick to eat for more than a year. I finally started to eat more after some big changes in my family, and as I went off to university two years after buying my dog I ate almost all my meals.
Still, from getting out of the hospital and until the end of my 4th year of university (6 years that is) I was petrified of gaining weight. I had started lifting weights, and knew I wanted to gain muscle, but all I could see in the mirror was fat. I would slowly manage to gain a few kilos, but I hated myself the entire time.
It was only this past summer I really god fully past my fear of food. I stopped counting for a while, I started living more, and lo and behold I did not get fat. Now I track in periods where I have a goal, either gaining or shedding a few pounds, but I am fine with not knowing or eating out. Life is more than macronutrients!
I also have gotten a lot better in the gym and have started to grow a booty which was non-existent before. I even got a certification as an online coach, finally feeling I had the knowledge and mindset in place to be able to help others. Life has only gotten better since starting to give fewer *kitten*, and I can’t wait to see what I can do with my future now that my mind isn’t occupied with calculating the calories of everything all the time!
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Replies
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Great story! Thanks for sharing. I find this interesting: "Then, literally over night, something clicked in my head. I refused to be that girl anymore." - Do you have any idea what triggered this? How old were you? Were there new, outside influences in your life? You don't have to answer. I just think that finding out the "why" is important.
Also, you took action to actively overcome your issues, for example, getting a dog that you knew you had to be responsible for. Not every one can (or chooses) to do that, so good for you!2 -
Thank you for reading, I am happy you got something from itGreat story! Thanks for sharing.
I was 16 at the time, and while I am not 100% sure of the exact reason I just decided one day that "I will not be fat anymore, I will only eat 400 calories per day from now on!" And then those 400 calories turned to even less and lessI find this interesting: "Then, literally over night, something clicked in my head. I refused to be that girl anymore." - Do you have any idea what triggered this? How old were you? Were there new, outside influences in your life? You don't have to answer. I just think that finding out the "why" is important.
Not everyone can exactly get a dog, but I think everyone CAN find something to hold them accountable. Whether that is signing up for a class you have to participate in, volunteering, getting a job, it all depends on your values what you feel like you cannot step away from. "Chooses" is the keyword here, as you said, not everyone will choose this, and I certainly wouldn't have either after any of the previous hospitalizations.Also, you took action to actively overcome your issues, for example, getting a dog that you knew you had to be responsible for. Not everyone can (or chooses) to do that, so good for you!
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"Not everyone can exactly get a dog, but I think everyone CAN find something to hold them accountable." - exactly! Not everyone should have pets. They are a commitment and a choice to be taken seriously.
Yes, finding something to hold yourself accountable is the key. Taking action and responsibility. Again, very insightful of you and I'm also glad you had a good experience at a treatment place. Not everyone does. There are (sadly) many others who have gone through this same thing so hopefully reading your story will help.0 -
This is so true, and absolutely something I hope someone can take away. I've heard some horrible stories of treatment places, and personally I still suffer from PTSD from the experiences I had at one of the first ones I went to so I can absolutely see how someone would be scared to give it a try. But there ARE good places out there with people who really care about the patients and treat them like humans.I'm also glad you had a good experience at a treatment place. Not everyone does.
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I don't know if I am happy or sad that no one else shared their stories. I'm happy for everyone who's never been sick, but it would be nice to connect with others too. Either in recovery or recovered1
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Hey there, I'll share my story. During middle school, I began to develop much faster compared to peers my age, so I was already self conscious about my appearance, but it didn't manifest into a full-blown eating disorder until I was in highschool/college. Sophomore year of high school I began to "experiment" with starving myself occasionally, but then I'd get too hungry and light-headed, and subsequently binge. Not being one of those "stick thin" girls at all, I felt like things were reasonably "under control", and I thought that I couldn't have an eating disorder if I didn't look scarily thin. Fast forward to freshman year in college, and things escalated to the point where I started to occasionally binge/purge. By the time I was in my sophomore year, I was binging/purging at least 3 times a week, and starving the rest of the week. My parents finally approached me and got me into a treatment center, and although it was very flawed in terms of therapists and treatment modalities, it got me to a place where by senior year of college, I was able to have a better relationship with food and my body and had recovered from bulimia. After college, I gained a lot of weight, but fast forward to today, where now I'm losing weight in a healthy and sustainable way, and have a pretty active job as a house cleaner, and I'm in a much better place now that I'm recovered. It's hard, but shout out to all the eating disorder survivors! We can do it.6
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I think it started around 8th grade when I started being more aware of my appearance compared to other girls. I would suck in my stomach, wear extra padded bras, and cover my face in foundation. I was fairly athletic and adventurous, so when I got to high school and joined XC, I became even more aware of my body. I hated wearing spandex during races and the tank tops, too. I was on Varsity where a few girls had toned bodies and even abs. I was one of the slower varsity girls. To stay in shape for Track, I did wrestling during the winter. The coaches encouraged us to eat less, drink jugs of water a day, and tell us not to eat or drink the night before and morning of a match. They weighed us every Friday and had a chart of what we weighed and what we should have weighed.
I quit wrestling my sophomore year because I couldn’t lose the weight I wanted and I didn’t want to hurt myself in a way that would prevent me from reaching my running goals. That year I became a vegetarian, then vegan for health reasons (to lose weight). I lost 5-10 lbs and maintained that for a bit, but I lost my period for six months. I decided to eat as much food as I could to gain weight in order to get my period back. It came back...for one cycle. Because as soon as I got it back, I started eating less and exercising more. Overexercising. I got frequent hip injuries that prevented me from running State in track and XC. I couldn’t run with the other girls. By Senior year, I noticed how I wasn’t healing and that I was chubby because I was stress eating. I cut out salt, oil, sugar, processed foods, potatoes, pasta, bread, and all overt fat. My diet consisted of carrots, bananas, apples, lots of green veggies, and sweet potatoes. I lost 30 pounds in six months and became underweight. It’s like as soon as I became underweight, my body got triggered and I started binge eating. I went away to college and would binge eat on dried figs, dates, bananas, and fruit leather. Healthy...but still binge eating. I was running 7-8 miles every morning until I got injured in the knee slipping on ice. I couldn’t run for two to three weeks. I came home for Thanksgiving and binged on Vegan junkfood. This is when I started purging. I wasn’t very good at it, so I quit after a month, occasionally doing it if I binged on something “bad”. I gained weight slowly, then quickly when I stopped running again due to reinjuring my knee. By February of 2018 i realized I hadn’t had my period in over a year. I decided to stop trying to restrict calories and eat only veggies and fruit. I started eating what I craved whenever that was (usually dates or bread). Giving myself these foods, I almost immediately stopped craving them (give or take 2 weeks). I remember buying bread and having only that for dinner, and I was crying while eating it because all I wanted was my period back. I prayed and prayed for it to come back so I could stop eating bread. That night I got it back. I stopped eating bread and replaced it with airpopped popcorn (another craving of mine). I started feeling better and less emotional. In March I made a choice to go fully raw in order to combat my food addiction and dissatisfaction with my body. On a raw diet I told myself I could eat everything I wanted! I’m not sure if I’ve lost weight, but I feel better. I’m on Day 20 and hoping it lasts a long time. I’m not restricting the types of raw foods I’m eating, I’m slowly recovering from over exercise, injury, and binging. I haven’t binged since the first week of March. I’ve left some stuff out, like how I was suicidal spring of junior year or how I hated seeing a therapist to discuss my problems with food. ED’s run in my family. My grandma had bulimia, my mom had anorexia, my older sister had anorexia athletica, anorexia, and bulimia. Me? I begged my parents not to take me to a doctor, saying I would get better. They made me see my old pediatrician and she mentioned orthorexia, but i don’t believe in such a thing. I turned to God (please no hate!) and asked Him for answers. He reminded me that I was created to be perfect, but it is up to me to believe that. With God’s help, I am finding love for myself and what my body can do.6 -
LollipopsandSunshine wrote: »Hey there, I'll share my story. During middle school, I began to develop much faster compared to peers my age, so I was already self conscious about my appearance, but it didn't manifest into a full-blown eating disorder until I was in highschool/college. Sophomore year of high school I began to "experiment" with starving myself occasionally, but then I'd get too hungry and light-headed, and subsequently binge. Not being one of those "stick thin" girls at all, I felt like things were reasonably "under control", and I thought that I couldn't have an eating disorder if I didn't look scarily thin. Fast forward to freshman year in college, and things escalated to the point where I started to occasionally binge/purge. By the time I was in my sophomore year, I was binging/purging at least 3 times a week, and starving the rest of the week. My parents finally approached me and got me into a treatment center, and although it was very flawed in terms of therapists and treatment modalities, it got me to a place where by senior year of college, I was able to have a better relationship with food and my body and had recovered from bulimia. After college, I gained a lot of weight, but fast forward to today, where now I'm losing weight in a healthy and sustainable way, and have a pretty active job as a house cleaner, and I'm in a much better place now that I'm recovered. It's hard, but shout out to all the eating disorder survivors! We can do it.
I can totally relate to the experimenting with starving. I remember me and a friend talking about how little we could eat and then I would go home after school and binge.. I'm so happy you are recovered and that you are managing to lose weight in a healthy way! I imagine it can be very hard to go about it the right way, but I am so happy for you that you are doing it 1 -
@andreaen Aw thanks! Having a place to talk about it is very liberating and to see others post and share their stories makes everyone hopefully feel less alone and more like a community. I'm glad you created this thread! ❤1
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UltraVegAthlete wrote: »I think it started around 8th grade when I started being more aware of my appearance compared to other girls. I would suck in my stomach, wear extra padded bras, and cover my face in foundation. I was fairly athletic and adventurous, so when I got to high school and joined XC, I became even more aware of my body. I hated wearing spandex during races and the tank tops, too. I was on Varsity where a few girls had toned bodies and even abs. I was one of the slower varsity girls. To stay in shape for Track, I did wrestling during the winter. The coaches encouraged us to eat less, drink jugs of water a day, and tell us not to eat or drink the night before and morning of a match. They weighed us every Friday and had a chart of what we weighed and what we should have weighed.
I quit wrestling my sophomore year because I couldn’t lose the weight I wanted and I didn’t want to hurt myself in a way that would prevent me from reaching my running goals. That year I became a vegetarian, then vegan for health reasons (to lose weight). I lost 5-10 lbs and maintained that for a bit, but I lost my period for six months. I decided to eat as much food as I could to gain weight in order to get my period back. It came back...for one cycle. Because as soon as I got it back, I started eating less and exercising more. Overexercising. I got frequent hip injuries that prevented me from running State in track and XC. I couldn’t run with the other girls. By Senior year, I noticed how I wasn’t healing and that I was chubby because I was stress eating. I cut out salt, oil, sugar, processed foods, potatoes, pasta, bread, and all overt fat. My diet consisted of carrots, bananas, apples, lots of green veggies, and sweet potatoes. I lost 30 pounds in six months and became underweight. It’s like as soon as I became underweight, my body got triggered and I started binge eating. I went away to college and would binge eat on dried figs, dates, bananas, and fruit leather. Healthy...but still binge eating. I was running 7-8 miles every morning until I got injured in the knee slipping on ice. I couldn’t run for two to three weeks. I came home for Thanksgiving and binged on Vegan junkfood. This is when I started purging. I wasn’t very good at it, so I quit after a month, occasionally doing it if I binged on something “bad”. I gained weight slowly, then quickly when I stopped running again due to reinjuring my knee. By February of 2018 i realized I hadn’t had my period in over a year. I decided to stop trying to restrict calories and eat only veggies and fruit. I started eating what I craved whenever that was (usually dates or bread). Giving myself these foods, I almost immediately stopped craving them (give or take 2 weeks). I remember buying bread and having only that for dinner, and I was crying while eating it because all I wanted was my period back. I prayed and prayed for it to come back so I could stop eating bread. That night I got it back. I stopped eating bread and replaced it with airpopped popcorn (another craving of mine). I started feeling better and less emotional. In March I made a choice to go fully raw in order to combat my food addiction and dissatisfaction with my body. On a raw diet I told myself I could eat everything I wanted! I’m not sure if I’ve lost weight, but I feel better. I’m on Day 20 and hoping it lasts a long time. I’m not restricting the types of raw foods I’m eating, I’m slowly recovering from over exercise, injury, and binging. I haven’t binged since the first week of March. I’ve left some stuff out, like how I was suicidal spring of junior year or how I hated seeing a therapist to discuss my problems with food. ED’s run in my family. My grandma had bulimia, my mom had anorexia, my older sister had anorexia athletica, anorexia, and bulimia. Me? I begged my parents not to take me to a doctor, saying I would get better. They made me see my old pediatrician and she mentioned orthorexia, but i don’t believe in such a thing. I turned to God (please no hate!) and asked Him for answers. He reminded me that I was created to be perfect, but it is up to me to believe that. With God’s help, I am finding love for myself and what my body can do.
I actually believe religion can be one of the most powerful things in helping you to recover. I don't believe in anything myself, but I kind of wish I did. I am sending my thoughts to your entire family, it must have been very hard for all of you seing each other go through it.
I have also struggled with losing my period, and except for when I was on birth control (which made me sick to the point of not being able to move and just lying in bed for two hours every day, but I wanted my period so bad) I haven't had it for 7 years.. I feel like I have tried everything now, and I have kind of lost hope that it will come back.1 -
carolbean47 wrote: »Like the poster above, I’m also a Christian, which has helped my continued recovery from anorexia. I consider it a “continuous” journey despite having maintained my weight since 1995. Many people try to blame my descent on the fact that I was a child actor/model but really it was just like some of you stated, it was like a switch went off in my brain when I moved away to college. Maybe it was my way of dealing with the fact that I was far from home, alone, living in a dorm, I don’t know exactly. I don’t remember ever thinking “I’m not going to eat” it just kinda happened. I wasn’t comfortable with the “party atmosphere” of college. I wasn’t into drinking, I definitely wasn’t interested in trying drugs, maybe it was my freakish way to fit in...or avoid trying to fit in. I went off to college weighing 102. I came home weighing 72. Clearly I had to get help. I had a wonderful counselor named Mary. She gave me space and helped me get back on track. I’d gotten so much attention because of my size, it became my identity.
I can’t claim that I don’t still count calories, I do, but I’ve been healthy enough to live a normal life: get married, have a career, children (I survived pregnancy AND am back in my old jeans, not that it matters, but I know hearing that from other mothers helped me), I’ve run a marathon, even did a little bit of acting and modeling again as an adult. Am I fully recovered? I have my moments. Moments of self doubt, moments when I don’t feel my best and long for control. I pray, I write, I do my best. I hope everyone out there who is struggling with an eating disorder finds the help they need in a way that works for them because we’re all worth it. We’re all more than a number on a scale. ❤️
I'm so happy to read that you have found a way to live life in spite of still having the urges. That's where I feel like I am too, although I don't have much of a social life due to anxiety. I'm not really sure what fully recovered even means, all women seem to struggle with these thoughts to a certain degree at times, so when I have them now I just count it as being a woman and not being an anorexic.
I also relate so much to the size becoming your identity. It was the same for me, being skinny I was finally SOMEONE. I'd never felt noticed or remembered, but now everyone knew I was the skinny girl. It wasn't until I moved across the country away from everyone I knew that I managed to let that go.1 -
LollipopsandSunshine wrote: »@andreaen Aw thanks! Having a place to talk about it is very liberating and to see others post and share their stories makes everyone hopefully feel less alone and more like a community. I'm glad you created this thread! ❤
I'm glad you replied and that you find help in the community too. I also hope some girl in recovery will find this and see that it IS possible to get better and to get a life. Because I certainly thought I would stay sick forever 1 -
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I'm still a work in progress, but i'm better than i used to be. i developed Anorexia for the first time at 14. It started out as just a "diet", but soon evolved into an a total obsession with weight, calories, numbers, food. By the time i was 15 i weighed 85lbs at 5'4. I went 2.5 years without a period. I was cold all the time. But at first i didnt think it was a problem. I thought i was eating a perfect, healthy diet, when in reality i barely ate more than 1000cal/day.
Towards the end of high school and through most of college i was able to increase my intake and get weight restored. But the ED voice in my head never went away. So senior yr of college i turned to a new coping mechanism- alcohol. and i mean LOTS of alcohol. I just felt so gross and guilty about gaining weight, and wanted to just be drunk 24/7 to numb out those feelings. But getting drunk every day only made me gain MORE weight (20lbs actually)- which lead to more drinking and more depression. it was a vicious circle.
then, i got sober in 2015. and it was great! But, without my go-to crutch (booze) i resorted to my ED once again as a coping mechanism. During my last stay in rehab i lost 15lbs in a month, and I continued to lose more for almost 2 years.
last summer, when my BMI reached 15.9 (90lbs), i was diagnosed with Osteopenia (bone loss). and my potassium became severely low, putting me at risk of a heart attack, i finally agreed to go to a residential facility for EDs. I met so many amazing and inspiring people there, but it was a struggle to learn to trust someone else's plan for how/what i should eat. I felt like i wasnt in control of my own body. But i adjusted to it eventually.
Ive been in recovery since August 1 2017. I still struggle with some behaviors, mostly pretty bad laxative/diuretic abuse. But i feel so much stronger mentally than i did at my lowest weight. I'm learning to accept this new body, and embrace the fact that i am more than just a disorder. I'm more than a body. I'm more than a number on a scale. I'm a complete, multifaceted person. I havent completely accepted those facts yet, but i'm trying.
Congrats to all you awesome recovery warriors! Keep fighting.
I am so happy for you that you are finally in recovery and working on overcoming this without turning to other addictions. I have been told I am very prone to alchol abuse myself, so I have some very strict rules as to when and how I allow myself to drink.
I also have ostepenia, actually it might even be osteoperosis (I don't remember the latest results), and its a f-ing *kitten*. I've broken my ribs 8 times in 6 years from things like play-fighting with friends, foam rolling, lifting a 1lb puppy with my arm in a weird angle.. you name it.. How old are you? And do you have your period now? Women build bones until around 25 as you might know, but it requires estrogen which isn't there if we don't have periods.
If you ever need any support when things are tough don't hesitate to send me a message, you are not alone in any of this and I promise all the feelings you have about recovery someone else is going through too 1 -
Just want to say that all you girls are amazing for sharing your stories So inspiring! 2
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I’m not sure if this counts as an ED but here’s my story.
Back in high school I had a horrid stepmom and we got into actual fights every few months and stuff. But she was also a cheapskate with buying me and my dad food, although she did work at a grocery store and at a restaurant. She would always have her food, special Asian food, and shopping sprees at the mall, but always complained about buying me and my dads food. One time I got yelled at for eating 2 bagels in a day, granted the best buy day was the day before. My dad took the blame for me thankfully but it struck a cord in me and just stopped eating as much, even school lunch. The only time I got to really eat like I wanted to was at family parties. They would literally shoved food in my mouth, it was awesome I loved it!!! My family was always concerned about my weight since you could always see my hip bones, still can today.
Fast forward to today and it’s still a struggle to eat but only because it’s money wise. I am however thankful for mfp and I can now see not only how many calories I’m eating but also the nutrients as well!!! I’m hoping I’ll be able to finally gain some and go to the gym and help with muscle toning and stuff.
I know I’m not officially labeled as an ed but it just shows you that words do hurt!! I mean I’d rather get into a fight everyday with my stepmom than have getting yelled at for eating, at a time when you need to eat.1 -
jennibabie87 wrote: »I’m not sure if this counts as an ED but here’s my story.
Back in high school I had a horrid stepmom and we got into actual fights every few months and stuff. But she was also a cheapskate with buying me and my dad food, although she did work at a grocery store and at a restaurant. She would always have her food, special Asian food, and shopping sprees at the mall, but always complained about buying me and my dads food. One time I got yelled at for eating 2 bagels in a day, granted the best buy day was the day before. My dad took the blame for me thankfully but it struck a cord in me and just stopped eating as much, even school lunch. The only time I got to really eat like I wanted to was at family parties. They would literally shoved food in my mouth, it was awesome I loved it!!! My family was always concerned about my weight since you could always see my hip bones, still can today.
Fast forward to today and it’s still a struggle to eat but only because it’s money wise. I am however thankful for mfp and I can now see not only how many calories I’m eating but also the nutrients as well!!! I’m hoping I’ll be able to finally gain some and go to the gym and help with muscle toning and stuff.
I know I’m not officially labeled as an ed but it just shows you that words do hurt!! I mean I’d rather get into a fight everyday with my stepmom than have getting yelled at for eating, at a time when you need to eat.
That is just horrible! I can't believe people like that even exest! I am so happy you are out of that environment now, and I wish you all the best in gaining back some weight0
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