Having a skinny mom/sister/best friend...and dealing with those emotions

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  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    I was the skinny one in a fat family growing up. Then I had a leg injury, became sedentary, and got fat. And now I'm skinny again.

    OP, I don't know if this will help with your feelings, although maybe it might, but it might give you some useful information going forward if you could get your sister to work with you. See if you can get her to log on MFP - activity and food both - while you do the same. Then maybe you could compare and get an idea of what's up with her "natural" skinniness. Anyway it could be interesting!

    Regardless of weight it sucks having someone else in the family be "the pretty one." Those old hurts die hard! Therapy if it helps, but what helped me overcome my childhood hurts was finally finding a group of friends who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and living life large for a while. I hope you find your happiness.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    smolmaus wrote: »
    popsicles876 wrote: »
    My mom is also skinny. Growing up I dealt with my mom even being more desirable than me.

    I can understand on some level seeing your sister as competition, but seeing your mum as a rival in terms of sexual attractiveness? Nah. That needs some therapy.

    It depends on the mum. My own mother had this issue growing up - she was a fat child and her mother was a model and actress. She always felt that her mother regretted having a not pretty child.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    nettiklive wrote: »
    jennydelgado09 wrote: »
    I'm 4'11 and my sister is probably 5'0. I'm 145lbs and on her heaviest days she's 100lbs. My heaviest was 180lbs. My mom was also very thin all her life. My brothers also have been thin. I was always the fat one in my family and growing up it sucked. I got mean comments from my brothers. I was compared to my sister.
    My sister eats whatever she wants. She'll eat chocolate frosting straight from the tub. She never gains.

    But you know what? She wishes she could gain weight. And she has tried to gain weight and she just can't. So i use to be jealous of her until finding that out. Now we joke that we'll trade bodies.

    I think it would also help if you find something you love to do that's yours. I might not be as skinny as my mom or sister but I can definitely lift more weight than them.

    It's funny how it's so common to see people like this, yet this forum seems convinced they are unicorns and don't exist :|

    OH man I agree so much. Everyone's like "You don't see them 24/7 and they're probably super active and don't eat frequently". But I think they exist. I've known plenty of people who never exercise, eat HUGE amounts of food that is primarily "junk food", and stay very thin their whole lives or at least until a certain age.

    My dd was underweight by 20 lbs. I was around her every day and would have sworn by the food she devoured that she was eating all the time... until we saw a doctor and kept a food diary. We had to increase the calories she consumed by quite a bit to get her gaining weight.
    People are bad at judging how much they and others are eating just by looking. People underestimate or overestimate activity often.

    I'm sure this is true, maybe even 95% of the time or some crazy amount like that. But I have really seen some teenagers especially who are almost totally sedentary and put away a medium pizza for both lunch and dinner as well as candy and soda, and are very skinny. Maybe it's a freakishly small number of people who are like that. I don't know. Could be totally wrong. I will say almost everyone I have known like that who is my age now (41) has put on at least some weight when they got older, even if they are still thin people.

    I would have said I was like that as a teen - I hated sports and I ate just crazy stuff, like whole boxes of Oreos dipped in a whole package of frozen whip cream at a time, and I was underweight. But looking back I realize I was constantly active. I could dance at a party literally for five hours straight without breathing hard, which would kill me today.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    My mother used to model, and so did one of my sisters. I was the fat one. My mother was on my case to lose weight since I was 10. I resented it. All of it. That the could all eat what they wanted and not lose weight. All I ever wanted to do was eat. The thing was, they never ate as much as I wanted to eat. They’d have a handful of pretzels, and would be fine. I wanted the whole bag.

    My mother even told me “wonderful things” like “nice boys don’t like fat girls”, and that I’d never find a husband who was worthwhile if I was fat - among other things.

    Yes I understand what you mean. I felt like they should be flogged for doing things that were not helpful for me in losing weight. Fact is - they didn’t shove the food in my face - I did. I turned to food because I didn’t know what else to do or how else to deal with what I was going through. Food didn’t judge, it didn’t talk back, it didn’t talk at all therefore it couldn’t say mean things to me.

    I’ve “restarted my journey” a few days ago. I ring ally started in April 2011, and one of the first things they did was set me up with a therapist to help me deal with my food issues and with my family issues. I’m not sure that I entirely see the benefit...that he’s helping....BUT EVERYBODY I know tells me that seeing him as helped me a lot. He actually had the gastric bypass surgery and has lost a couple hundred pounds too - so he knows what I’m going through.

    Further, he’s a “third party” - he wasn’t self picked by my mother - the size-1 civilian all her life. He was suggested by a therapist the bariatric practice hired to help bariatric patients deal with weight loss issues. He’s the only thing besides MFP that’s survived the last 7 years.

    So - anyway - my suggestion would be to go see a therapist. It would help lOTS!!
  • SteamPug
    SteamPug Posts: 262 Member
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    PokeyBug wrote: »
    She still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, but she's been to a zillion different schools for different careers. Right now, she's 46, divorced, and studying to be a funeral director. She's proof that looking good doesn't mean you've got it together.
    Poor Robin.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    SteamPug wrote: »
    PokeyBug wrote: »
    She still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, but she's been to a zillion different schools for different careers. Right now, she's 46, divorced, and studying to be a funeral director. She's proof that looking good doesn't mean you've got it together.
    Poor Robin.

    I think funeral director is easily one of the most interesting and necessary jobs right now.

  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    SteamPug wrote: »
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    nettiklive wrote: »
    jennydelgado09 wrote: »
    I'm 4'11 and my sister is probably 5'0. I'm 145lbs and on her heaviest days she's 100lbs. My heaviest was 180lbs. My mom was also very thin all her life. My brothers also have been thin. I was always the fat one in my family and growing up it sucked. I got mean comments from my brothers. I was compared to my sister.
    My sister eats whatever she wants. She'll eat chocolate frosting straight from the tub. She never gains.

    But you know what? She wishes she could gain weight. And she has tried to gain weight and she just can't. So i use to be jealous of her until finding that out. Now we joke that we'll trade bodies.

    I think it would also help if you find something you love to do that's yours. I might not be as skinny as my mom or sister but I can definitely lift more weight than them.

    It's funny how it's so common to see people like this, yet this forum seems convinced they are unicorns and don't exist :|

    OH man I agree so much. Everyone's like "You don't see them 24/7 and they're probably super active and don't eat frequently". But I think they exist. I've known plenty of people who never exercise, eat HUGE amounts of food that is primarily "junk food", and stay very thin their whole lives or at least until a certain age.
    I don’t agree. I bet most of those people you don’t actually see everything they eat. I have coworkers that think the same things about me and honestly it’s infuriating how much they insist that I eat. I can’t eat cake at work without someone commenting about how unfair it is that I can do that and still be skinny. One time I had a whole packet of cookies for breakfast and my colleagues would not quit whining about it. But really, the biscuits totalled 600 calories and I had them instead of breakfast and lunch. It was very unhealthy.. but it actually totalled less calories than if I’d have eaten a normal breakfast and lunch. I never total more than 1,600 at the end of the day, so idk probably it’s just your perception and not actually reality.


    Eh...I get what you're saying. Even at an average weight I've had that happen too...at a Halloween party I was enjoying cupcakes and chocolate and my friends were whining about how "unfair" it is that I've lost weight and kept it off "eating like that". I had eggs, a small sandwich, and a salad that day before the Halloween party while some of them went out to brunch AND a pizza buffet later. But they didn't know that.

    Anyway, I know we're not all gonna agree on this particular thing.
  • Running_and_Coffee
    Running_and_Coffee Posts: 811 Member
    edited April 2018
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    I married into a family where everyone is thin--even middle aged and sedentary, they are not overweight. They probably appear like they eat crazy amounts of food, because at restaurants they get appetizers and desserts and wine, and seconds at social settings.

    When they are not out socially, though, they are VERY different from how I grew up eating and how most Americans probably eat. They only eat when hungry, often skip meals, and don't really eat for pleasure but just to avoid passing out so they can get back into things.

    Like my husband grabs a bag of pistachios and a yogurt and eats it while he is driving to work, often skips lunch, and eats a normal dinner and ice cream for dessert. He's not a gym rat, but exercises a few times a week in a really moderate kind of way while reading (elliptical and weights.) BUT he is on his feet all day long and never sits down. He will sit down to watch TV and get up 40 times because he forgot something. He has only gained 5 lbs since I met him in 1995, when he was in his early 20s.

    His mom is the same way. She often forgets to eat till well after noon, then eats something like a tuna fish sandwich without thinking about it (I've seen her eat a few bites and forget about it for hours). She never stops moving.

    But when they are out to enjoy themselves, they eat insane amounts of food.

    I wish this were how I were programmed, but I enjoy eating. I like my breakfast and coffee, my lunches, and can't imagine forgetting to eat. I'd never forget I was in the middle of lunch because the doorbell rang!

    Just my 2 cents on the unicorn of the naturally thin!
  • SteamPug
    SteamPug Posts: 262 Member
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    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    SteamPug wrote: »
    PokeyBug wrote: »
    She still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, but she's been to a zillion different schools for different careers. Right now, she's 46, divorced, and studying to be a funeral director. She's proof that looking good doesn't mean you've got it together.
    Poor Robin.

    I think funeral director is easily one of the most interesting and necessary jobs right now.

    I wasn’t hating on her job, I felt bad that her ‘friend’ was using her as an example like that.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,898 Member
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    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    nettiklive wrote: »
    jennydelgado09 wrote: »
    I'm 4'11 and my sister is probably 5'0. I'm 145lbs and on her heaviest days she's 100lbs. My heaviest was 180lbs. My mom was also very thin all her life. My brothers also have been thin. I was always the fat one in my family and growing up it sucked. I got mean comments from my brothers. I was compared to my sister.
    My sister eats whatever she wants. She'll eat chocolate frosting straight from the tub. She never gains.

    But you know what? She wishes she could gain weight. And she has tried to gain weight and she just can't. So i use to be jealous of her until finding that out. Now we joke that we'll trade bodies.

    I think it would also help if you find something you love to do that's yours. I might not be as skinny as my mom or sister but I can definitely lift more weight than them.

    It's funny how it's so common to see people like this, yet this forum seems convinced they are unicorns and don't exist :|

    OH man I agree so much. Everyone's like "You don't see them 24/7 and they're probably super active and don't eat frequently". But I think they exist. I've known plenty of people who never exercise, eat HUGE amounts of food that is primarily "junk food", and stay very thin their whole lives or at least until a certain age.

    People who eat Thanksgiving dinner with my tiny mom talk about her being "naturally thin" and/or her "wonderful metabolism." But if they were to follow her around for a day, they would see she is incredibly active and skips meals.
  • Saffyra
    Saffyra Posts: 607 Member
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    @popsicles876 I probably could have written your post. Easily.

    When you're young, the comparisons and comments within the family shape how you think about yourself. As you get older, you have to shake those things off. Honestly? I avoided my mom for a couple years after I moved out because she always managed to make me feel terrible about myself every time I saw her.

    And then I got older. More confident and sure of myself as a human. And I stopped caring so much. And I think my mom mellowed out a lot, too.

    Now that Im thinner, my mom is always telling me I look amazing (she's the fat one now, LOL) and my sister is happy to have someone to do all the active things she's always loved with. I can do them now that Im not lugging an extra 30% of my body weight around.

    In other words, do this for you. Forget what they think, they don't matter. You do. Get healthy and get happy for yourself! You can do it :)

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