Depression and Where to Start

don't delete. face it. you did it. it's in the past. deal with it. your secrets can bind you in shame.
you need to come to a point where you are done making excuses. depression is real, anxiety is real but make plans with someone who will drag you out of the house kicking and screaming. I committed to teaching classes so i have to go to my yoga classes.
weight loss and healthy lives are not for those that just want it. they feel they need it. desperation is a gift. use it.

i've literally rolled out of bed because sitting up was too much work. i've slithered down the stairs because walking was tiresome. and sometimes i stay in bed because life is way too much of a bother. and that's ok too. sometimes, we need a break from the fight.

and my furballs keep me active too because they don't understand this thing depression. they still need to go outside. they still want my hugs. and they still love me even if i haven't brushed my teeth in a day or two

This is going to sound cheesy, but I try to begin big tasks like weight loss or even just logging my food with forgiveness. It doesn't work right away and it's something we usually have to practice, but the more you do it the easier it gets (and I'm still not perfect about it even with therapy). You don't have to judge yourself, you don't have to confess your dietary sins or anything like that. Just when you start to log your food and the anxiety comes in say something like "oh yeah, that's my anxiety. I'm going to do this anyway." Or even "that's my anxiety and right now I just don't feel like doing this," depending on how the day goes. The important part is to acknowledge the depression or anxiety and name it so that your brain starts to separate those voices out as something different.

Also if there is anything that helps your depression (light box, vitamin D, exercise, whatever) see if you can start doing it more often. I hate my depression. It's terrible and fighting it is so so so draining every day. I often say that it's like fighting to get out from underneath a chainmaille blanket. I know I would feel better without it, but it's just too heavy and the struggle exhausts me. Any relief that you can get is a good thing. And I know how much we all hear this bs about just ~~get more sunlight~~ and everything will be magically cured. It won't be. That's not how depression works, but when you're down in the pit sometimes a little help goes a long way to fighting your way back out.

My therapist often asks me to maintain during depression or ignore the scale entirely. Sometimes adding that extra task and stress when you're just fighting for your life is too much. And, for me personally (everyone is different), calorie deficits often make my depression worse instead of better. Especially if I go too low on calories or carbs (again everyone is different). So, this might not be the right time to try and log. I don't know. Try it. See how not logging feels for a few days. MFP will always be here when you're ready and able to start logging again.

All that said, and I know you don't want to talk about it, I do hope you're able to get some therapy or some help from a doc if you're okay with antidepressants (I don't take them personally but they help a lot of people). Depression is a terrible fight just to keep yourself together some days and I hope that somewhere, somehow, you're able to get out from under this.