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  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    Avocado_Angel wrote: »
    ChaelAZ wrote: »
    Seek professional help.

    I was talking to social work today, he is on the waiting list to be allocated a social worker which is absolutely the best thing for him.

    Yes, unfortunately it sounds like with his depression issues and history it might be beyond what an average person can handle.

  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    Avocado_Angel wrote: »
    I also received some benefit money backdated, money I was due but hadnt been given so I got a lump sum. He went off his head one day screaming at my bf about the money i had in the bank and keeping to myself. Xmas was just coming up and I spent some of that money to treat him at Xmas and also to buy other people gifts etc. It seems that he thinks, if I have it, he should have it so maybe the boundaries are blurred.

    And honestly, I would reconsider letting him stay with you after his 18th birthday due to this. Maybe it sounds worse than it is to me, because I can't think of any time I have ever screamed at someone, but if his behavior continues to spiral don't let it get to the point of abuse towards you and your boyfriend.

    I know you love him and it is hard. I am really sorry you have to go through this.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    I agree with all of the advice you have been given. I understand you are not in the US, and things may be a little different culturally. I also don't know how old you are, OP, but I get the impression you're maybe 30+ at this time (sorry if I am wrong, I just see that you are over 25 based on things you said above). Anyway, I wonder if a small part of it may actually be the whole shift in expectations of the current generation versus previous ones? I am 41 have noticed a lot of my peers' older children or much younger siblings (say between 16-27) don't have a lot of desire to get out on their own. They are often content to literally play video games all day. We live in an area where you really need a car to get around because it's a mid-sized city with patchy public transit...but many of them have reached 20s and don't have driver's licenses or any plans to obtain one, nor have they held jobs...it is very different to me. I know I probably sound old like "get off my lawn" but it's just so different and seems to be MOST young people rather than an outcast few.

    Sorry if that was just a ramble. But I feel like maybe your brother has all of these issues - and then it's topped with the fact that his peers aren't in any hurry to take on adult responsibility, either. What do his friends do? Are they studying? Working? Do any of them live on their own or with roommates, or are they mostly at home with parents? (I guess if he's not yet 18, probably almost all of them are still living at home, but just curious regarding their future plans and ambitions)
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    edited April 2018
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    Further to SuperOrganism2's suggestions ...

    I realise you'd rather he does some foot work for his own future, but in reality he might not have an inkling of "where to from here? ". He has withdrawn with silent rage, because he is scared. He is still a child.

    Have you considered looking up Coding and Hacker BootCamps held weekly at some libraries and on Saturdays by some tech companies for children 11-19 years?

    How about taking him to the Military Recruitment Office? The men/women at those centers are super accommodating. A friend who is 27 now, and a USN Master Chief in the Navy told me they might even consider paying him a visit at home, to talk to your brother. No judgement or preordained ideas about the back story. If you ask politely, they can share parts of military life he might be interested in, where being on the net and around tech becomes an earning avenue. They might be the figures of respect and fatherhood he needs. I had naval officers who were taught by my father, go to my brother's school when he wasn't listening to me ... He refused to fill in University applications and scholarships/grants forms with me ... I was adamant, "if you're not going to Uni, you're joining the military. Officer training starts in 2 months." He ended up in the Royal Marines after his LLB Hons, then returned for his Masters later. He found his brotherhood in the military . Sometimes men can get through, when we their big sisters are perceived by them as thorns or wannabe mother figures who AREN'T their mothers.

    You're his adult sister. You have been through life's trials. You want him settled and independent. Sometimes all they need is direction ... A not so obvious nudge.


  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    Avocado_Angel wrote: »
    777Gemma888 wrote: »
    Further to SuperOrganism2's suggestions ...

    I realise you'd rather he does some foot work for his own future, but in reality he might not have an inkling of "where to from here? ". He has withdrawn with silent rage, because he is scared. He is still a child.

    Have you considered looking up Coding and Hacker BootCamps held weekly at some libraries and on Saturdays by some tech companies for children 11-19 years?

    How about taking him to the Military Recruitment Office? The men/women at those centers are super accommodating. A friend who is 27 now, and a USN Master Chief in the Navy told me they might even consider paying him a visit at home, to talk to your brother. No judgement or preordained ideas about the back story. If you ask politely, they can share parts of military life he might be interested in, where being on the net and around tech becomes an earning avenue. They might be the figures of respect and fatherhood he needs. I had naval officers who were taught by my father, go to my brother's school when he wasn't listening to me ... He refused to fill in University applications and scholarships/grants forms with me ... I was adamant, "if you're not going to Uni, you're joining the military. Officer training starts in 2 months." He ended up in the Royal Marines after his LLB Hons, then returned for his Masters later. He found his brotherhood in the military . Sometimes men can get through, when we their big sisters are perceived by them as thorns or wannabe mother figures who AREN'T their mothers.

    You're his adult sister. You have been through life's trials. You want him settled and independent. Sometimes all they need is direction ... A not so obvious nudge.


    Thanks for that. What you said made a lot of sense, are you in usa ? I am in UK and don't know what the military is like in UK.

    Yes I am in the US.

    Where in the UK are you located? I have cousins in all branches of the military from the squadies to officers located in England, Scotland and Wales. A great majority are in the SAS or SBS.

    I could ask them for you?? The process for a local to enlist and the possibility for a home visit.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    Avocado_Angel wrote: »
    777Gemma888 wrote: »
    Further to SuperOrganism2's suggestions ...

    I realise you'd rather he does some foot work for his own future, but in reality he might not have an inkling of "where to from here? ". He has withdrawn with silent rage, because he is scared. He is still a child.

    Have you considered looking up Coding and Hacker BootCamps held weekly at some libraries and on Saturdays by some tech companies for children 11-19 years?

    How about taking him to the Military Recruitment Office? The men/women at those centers are super accommodating. A friend who is 27 now, and a USN Master Chief in the Navy told me they might even consider paying him a visit at home, to talk to your brother. No judgement or preordained ideas about the back story. If you ask politely, they can share parts of military life he might be interested in, where being on the net and around tech becomes an earning avenue. They might be the figures of respect and fatherhood he needs. I had naval officers who were taught by my father, go to my brother's school when he wasn't listening to me ... He refused to fill in University applications and scholarships/grants forms with me ... I was adamant, "if you're not going to Uni, you're joining the military. Officer training starts in 2 months." He ended up in the Royal Marines after his LLB Hons, then returned for his Masters later. He found his brotherhood in the military . Sometimes men can get through, when we their big sisters are perceived by them as thorns or wannabe mother figures who AREN'T their mothers.

    You're his adult sister. You have been through life's trials. You want him settled and independent. Sometimes all they need is direction ... A not so obvious nudge.


    I could always look into it and it's something I'l discuss with him. Thank you it was nice to hear a view point from someone in a similar situation, and sincerely guys, thanks for all the comments and opinions I'm feeling a bit better and have some more steam in me to forge ahead.

    Please discuss it with him, and let me know. I'm going to contact some of them or their wives tonight. All the wives are active or retired military too.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    edited April 2018
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    Fantastic!! His gf's step dad would be a fabulous place for you both to start.

    I'm always here on MFP if you both need an extra military community as a backup.

  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    edited April 2018
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    Avocado_Angel wrote: »
    _barefoot_ wrote: »
    I think military will be perfect for him .

    When I told my bf that my bro had been talking to this guy about military stuff, my bf was quick to remind me about the days I would also say "I will join the military" back in the days i wasn't well. I didn't know what I wanted to do and I think maybe my bro is in a similar situation. But without wanting to sound sexist, he's a guy so is the military more of a male thing ? Or is he just craving some stability and routine in his life? I don't know how I feel sending my bro into a potentially life or death situation cos he was talking about front line. Couple that with his talk of suicide I'm like Wooooooah hold the phone.

    It can't be easy for him. The world is a crazy place to live. My only issue is I'm dealing with my own *kitten*. Trying to find the balance is crazy hard. But yeah, him saying he is thinking about army is a good thing but I will have a good chat with him and see what he says. His perceptions of the world are probably skewed. In fact, in the past I have said to him why don't you join the fire brigade, cos I know folk in there and a lot of the time is spent sitting around lol apart from when your having to tend to fires and all that *kitten* lol my brother totally recoiled at the thought of being put in danger so the thought of him standing with a gun on front line, well. :smile:

    My second cousin@18 years, passed out from the Army earlier this is year, currently in Southern Italy. He is having a ball of a time, considering he came from the village ... Visualise the outback of Australia, well more remote than that. Eventually, he will be in Germany for more training before landing in Iraq for some Alliance support programme. He is now part of the Royal Signals, where many former elementary school classmates are too. Siggis are on the Frontline, but not directly in the line of fire. Might be an option to quelch you both?

    Uber pleased he has shown an interest in something.

    Pity@fire brigade. Only, they're a different breed of men/woman. Give me enemy combatants over a roaring blaze moving faster than trains any day.

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