New, don't know what to do
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100_PROOF_ wrote: »I also have a sucky commute most of the week. My day goes something like this-
4:45 wake up and get myself and a child ready for the day. Take child to bus stop and leave.
Get to gym for 30- 35 mins and rush to change into work clothes and then go to work all day.
630pm get done work and change in the car to go serve drinks all evening while my child makes himself dinner and does his homework alone. ( And often Ubers to activities alone)
11pm finally get home from serving drinks and have enough time to brush my teeth and pass out for a few hours until I do it all over again.
I do all this alone because my husband suffers from a medical condition. My love for my child gives me the drive to keep going and caffeine gives me the fuel needed. Do I like it? No way but I do it with a smile because I know life isn't fair. This is the card I was dealt and I gotta deal with it and make the best of it for the sake of my family.
If you can't move then I would look for other things to swap around to make it tolerable. If it's still not tolerable for you maybe let your family know that this arrangement is not working and that you are depressed. Things will not change until you make them change. You can't expect things to get better if you don't try to change them.
I pack all my foods for the day in a lunch box. If I can't make it to the gym in the morning then I go in between jobs . If I'm too tired then I skip it. I keep myself as active as possible during the day so I'm able to eat more. Maybe ask your family to start preparing more exciting meals for you to take, give them a list and see if they can help you. Maybe try working out at home if you aren't happy with your current routine. Tell your family that this schedule is no longer working for you and things must change. Maybe start putting in for jobs closer to home.
You are an impressive person, and I hope you receive the support and encouragement that you deserve.
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I keep coming back to something in your threads that bothers me- the intense focus on your hobbies & "quality time". You said before that you don't have a hard time mustering energy/interest for the things you enjoy, which I think is fairly unusual for people with depression, and keep mentioning you only have 2 hours a day/ 15 hours a week of "quality time" (and you don't seem to count time spent with your family as "quality time"). How much free time do you imagine most people have? I don't have the demanding schedule you do, but my life is full of family and other obligations, and I certainly don't have 15 hours a week to devote to hobbies. I think your viewpoint is a little skewed, to say the least.
I understood his post as if he'd want those 15 hours, not that he has them. If he 'barely has an hour' in the evening for himself, that's hardly 15 hours a week? Don't know about you, but an hour per day is barely to prepare and do my yoga and then shower. I also gathered that he barely spends time with his wife because of that lack of time and he'd want to have those 15 hours, family included.
People that work less demanding jobs and have little or no commute (if working from home) have much more free time on their hands. I have at least five hours a day all for myself. But I don't have a family and I work from home atm.
I think everything is possible with organising your time. If you put everything on paper and schedule things, a lot can be done.
Also, people who suffer depression and are medicated do muster the will and the time do to the stuff they love. It's very much encouraged by the therapists. The issue is with everything else, it feels like a chore. The kind you don't really want to do.
His viewpoint is definitely skewed and it's no wonder, he's put himself under a lot of pressure and doesn't see the way out.
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I suggest changes you'd benefit most from won't be found in the gym. With my Christian faith as a foundation I find pleasure in the fellowship of encouraging friends at church and opportunities to serve others in greater need than me. I'm sending a friend link if you'd like to know me and many others have found peace, joy, and purpose.0
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sauronseye wrote: »I keep coming back to something in your threads that bothers me- the intense focus on your hobbies & "quality time". You said before that you don't have a hard time mustering energy/interest for the things you enjoy, which I think is fairly unusual for people with depression, and keep mentioning you only have 2 hours a day/ 15 hours a week of "quality time" (and you don't seem to count time spent with your family as "quality time"). How much free time do you imagine most people have? I don't have the demanding schedule you do, but my life is full of family and other obligations, and I certainly don't have 15 hours a week to devote to hobbies. I think your viewpoint is a little skewed, to say the least.
I understood his post as if he'd want those 15 hours, not that he has them. If he 'barely has an hour' in the evening for himself, that's hardly 15 hours a week? Don't know about you, but an hour per day is barely to prepare and do my yoga and then shower. I also gathered that he barely spends time with his wife because of that lack of time and he'd want to have those 15 hours, family included.
People that work less demanding jobs and have little or no commute (if working from home) have much more free time on their hands. I have at least five hours a day all for myself. But I don't have a family and I work from home atm.
I think everything is possible with organising your time. If you put everything on paper and schedule things, a lot can be done.
Also, people who suffer depression and are medicated do muster the will and the time do to the stuff they love. It's very much encouraged by the therapists. The issue is with everything else, it feels like a chore. The kind you don't really want to do.
His viewpoint is definitely skewed and it's no wonder, he's put himself under a lot of pressure and doesn't see the way out.
I don't know if you have read the OP's other thread... some of my comments are based on things he's said there, including the thought that he has "less than 2 hours of fun time" a day and the statement that he doesn't view his hobbies as a chore, unlike everything else.
I'm certainly not trying to imply that the OP's situation isn't difficult & stressful. The 3 hour commute alone would pretty much do me in. All along, I've encouraged the OP to seek counseling and better treatment for his depression and to do whatever is humanly possible to simplify his life. My last comment was sort of wondering out loud if, aside from those things, he possibly has some unrealistic expectations about life.2 -
You're doing a lot of unnecessary things that are making you miserable, and I'm assuming that you're doing them because you think you have to be miserable to lose weight. Stop doing them.
#1: Why in the world are you trying to eat only 1700 calories per day? That's the biggest one. You selected "lose 2 pounds per week" when you set up MFP, right? That's clearly not an appropriate weight loss goal for you if you're this unhappy. Choose a slower pace so that you're not quite so restricted.
#2: You can lose weight eating the things you used to eat before; there's no reason you have to completely overhaul your diet (unless you want to, and you clearly don't want to). Eat less of them, and find ways to reduce the calories without you noticing it. Easy food swaps include reducing fats/oils, using less cheese or using reduced-fat cheeses/dairy, etc.
#3: You can lose weight without going to the gym. Surely you can do a YouTube video or at-home bodyweight workout, or go for a walk, in the same amount of time it took you to drive to the gym, workout, and drive home. Or don't exercise at all -- it's okay to start with just the diet and later add exercise if you want to.3 -
You're doing a lot of unnecessary things that are making you miserable, and I'm assuming that you're doing them because you think you have to be miserable to lose weight. Stop doing them.
#1: Why in the world are you trying to eat only 1700 calories per day? That's the biggest one. You selected "lose 2 pounds per week" when you set up MFP, right? That's clearly not an appropriate weight loss goal for you if you're this unhappy. Choose a slower pace so that you're not quite so restricted.
#2: You can lose weight eating the things you used to eat before; there's no reason you have to completely overhaul your diet (unless you want to, and you clearly don't want to). Eat less of them, and find ways to reduce the calories without you noticing it. Easy food swaps include reducing fats/oils, using less cheese or using reduced-fat cheeses/dairy, etc.
#3: You can lose weight without going to the gym. Surely you can do a YouTube video or at-home bodyweight workout, or go for a walk, in the same amount of time it took you to drive to the gym, workout, and drive home. Or don't exercise at all -- it's okay to start with just the diet and later add exercise if you want to.
That was my first thought, too.0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »You're doing a lot of unnecessary things that are making you miserable, and I'm assuming that you're doing them because you think you have to be miserable to lose weight. Stop doing them.
#1: Why in the world are you trying to eat only 1700 calories per day? That's the biggest one. You selected "lose 2 pounds per week" when you set up MFP, right? That's clearly not an appropriate weight loss goal for you if you're this unhappy. Choose a slower pace so that you're not quite so restricted.
#2: You can lose weight eating the things you used to eat before; there's no reason you have to completely overhaul your diet (unless you want to, and you clearly don't want to). Eat less of them, and find ways to reduce the calories without you noticing it. Easy food swaps include reducing fats/oils, using less cheese or using reduced-fat cheeses/dairy, etc.
#3: You can lose weight without going to the gym. Surely you can do a YouTube video or at-home bodyweight workout, or go for a walk, in the same amount of time it took you to drive to the gym, workout, and drive home. Or don't exercise at all -- it's okay to start with just the diet and later add exercise if you want to.
That was my first thought, too.
On the OP's previous thread, he indicated he was 5'10", 220 lbs, and sedentary which I believe gives him a TDEE of about 2200? Correct me if I'm wrong
Plus, it's already been suggested that he not worry about the gym or a strenuous workout regimen right now, but he hasn't expressed his feelings about that other than he is "nagged" by others to do so. It's pretty much all been covered.
But I will bow out now and leave the OP's thread alone.0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »You're doing a lot of unnecessary things that are making you miserable, and I'm assuming that you're doing them because you think you have to be miserable to lose weight. Stop doing them.
#1: Why in the world are you trying to eat only 1700 calories per day? That's the biggest one. You selected "lose 2 pounds per week" when you set up MFP, right? That's clearly not an appropriate weight loss goal for you if you're this unhappy. Choose a slower pace so that you're not quite so restricted.
#2: You can lose weight eating the things you used to eat before; there's no reason you have to completely overhaul your diet (unless you want to, and you clearly don't want to). Eat less of them, and find ways to reduce the calories without you noticing it. Easy food swaps include reducing fats/oils, using less cheese or using reduced-fat cheeses/dairy, etc.
#3: You can lose weight without going to the gym. Surely you can do a YouTube video or at-home bodyweight workout, or go for a walk, in the same amount of time it took you to drive to the gym, workout, and drive home. Or don't exercise at all -- it's okay to start with just the diet and later add exercise if you want to.
That was my first thought, too.
On the OP's previous thread, he indicated he was 5'10", 220 lbs, and sedentary which I believe gives him a TDEE of about 2200? Correct me if I'm wrong
Plus, it's already been suggested that he not worry about the gym or a strenuous workout regimen right now, but he hasn't expressed his feelings about that other than he is "nagged" by others to do so. It's pretty much all been covered.
But I will bow out now and leave the OP's thread alone.
Honestly, I hadn't read the OP's prior thread.
Sometimes, it takes people more than once hearing new information before they believe it. It can take hearing the same thing from different people so that it feels like a consensus rather than just new information from a smaller sample group of strangers on the internet. And regardless of what other people have said in the past, I still think the correct answer to "my self-imposed diet/exercise regimen is making me miserable" is most likely to be "find something that doesn't make you miserable and try that."2 -
The 15 hours/week with my partner comes from the suggestion that you should spend 15 hours per week with them. That's fifteen hours of undivided attention, so not (e.g.) watching TV or working out together.
There's a saying that if you have a why you can find a how. Further that you need "the why behind the why", and that's the struggle.
First question: Why are you here?
To lose weight.
Second question (the why behind the why): Why do you want to lose weight?
None of the common answers, like feel better, resonate, because I simply have no faith whatsoever that altering my eating and exercise habits, doubling down on the paranoid vigilance around food and a situation of permanent self-denial is actually going to make me feel any better. Maybe it's better being thin and miserable than fat and miserable, but the difference is small.0 -
I've never heard this 15 hours suggestion. It seems a bit arbitrary to me - some weeks I manage that, some weeks I definitely don't, but it might help to try not to invest too much energy in focussing on how many minutes or hours you have for various things. Is there really a big difference between 10 hours, 12 hours, 15 hours a week?
How about instead aiming to do one thing every day that you enjoy, or brings you some benefit or sense of relief? One day that might be sleeping an hour longer (and sacrificing some chores for that day), another day it might be listening to a podcast you like on your commute, another day it might be cooking with your partner, or birdwatching together, or planning your next day off. The amount of time is not as important and having things that bring you some pleasure on a regular basis.3 -
So... you don't actually want to lose weight? That certainly explains why you appear to be looking for excuses not to.2
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So... you don't actually want to lose weight? That certainly explains why you appear to be looking for excuses not to.
I guess I should want to. At the moment it feels like all cost and no benefit. Oh I get the physical fitness thing, but it feels a bit like being told "hey when you're fitter you can work even harder for even longer for the same reward. Won't that be just great?". Woop de doo...0 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »So... you don't actually want to lose weight? That certainly explains why you appear to be looking for excuses not to.
I guess I should want to. At the moment it feels like all cost and no benefit. Oh I get the physical fitness thing, but it feels a bit like being told "hey when you're fitter you can work even harder for even longer for the same reward. Won't that be just great?". Woop de doo...
If that's your authentic answer -- and it's not "I really do want to, but I'm not sure I can, or I'm intimidated/confused/whatever" -- then you should listen to it. Maybe down the line, you WILL want to, and forcing yourself to be unhappy now will make that harder later on.2 -
The answer is "I think I probably can but is it worth the stress, effort and additional mental pressure?" Which is better: thin, unhappy and compulsive-obsessive or fat and unhappy?0
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mitchkelly2446 wrote: »I guess I should want to. At the moment it feels like all cost and no benefit. Oh I get the physical fitness thing, but it feels a bit like being told "hey when you're fitter you can work even harder for even longer for the same reward. Won't that be just great?". Woop de doo...
Funny how your thread's title blatantly says you don't know what to do when clearly, you do.
You've given up, for now.
Have you read the various suggestions we all gave you? 1 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »The answer is "I think I probably can but is it worth the stress, effort and additional mental pressure?" Which is better: thin, unhappy and compulsive-obsessive or fat and unhappy?
It's your life, your priorities are the ones that matter. If you'd rather give up on the fitness for now and concentrate on alternative methods of self care I don't think anyone here is going to tell you that you can't. Even if they did, it is your life, do what you want with it. But I do think you should find something else to try and improve your mental health. Whether that be more quality time with your family, indulging more time into hobbies you enjoy or (ideally) trying to get some therapeutic help for your depression, it doesn't need to be more meds.
I would warn against trying to find comfort or happiness by indulging in food tho. Short term it makes you feel better but it can lead to long term health problems (see the many many threads on this forum on emotional eating) and you don't want to be in a position a year from now where you really DO need to focus on diet and exercise and with a lot more work to do. I gained 50lb when I was depressed, letting yourself eat whatever you want because you're sad is a really risky road to go down.2 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »I guess I should want to. At the moment it feels like all cost and no benefit. Oh I get the physical fitness thing, but it feels a bit like being told "hey when you're fitter you can work even harder for even longer for the same reward. Won't that be just great?". Woop de doo...
That is... not how fitness works. Why on earth would being fit cause more work?! And why do you think losing weight would make you obsessive/compulsive?
Look; if you don’t want to lose weight right now, then don’t lose weight. That is a decision you get to make, and it’s fine.
But don’t lie to yourself that it’s because of external factors; that exercise is oh so impossible without the gym, or that low calorie meals have to taste bad, or that batch cookery is oh so much work, or that calorie counting is obsessive/compulsive. None of those things are true.
Just make your decision, and own it. Stop trying to get the people on the board to sanction your excuses.7 -
Take a deep breath, you have got this.
Other commenters have recommended a lot of great suggestions on how you might improve your situation, and it seems like you always have an excuse on how nothing can improve your life. Although I know it may feel that way, you CAN turn your life around. It is your perspective of the situation that is coloring it in a very negative way.
For example, you have a loving family that makes you food so that when you come home you don’t have to cook if you don’t want to. That is wonderful! You are so lucky to have that. It sounds like they really appreciate all that you do for them. You have a 90-minute drive to and from work. That gives you so much time to leave that negative work energy at work. You can take that long drive, and turn it into you time. Listen to a book on tape, jam out to music, meditate on the positive in your life.
If you focus on the negative in your life, you will find a LOT of it, but if you look for positive you will find that there is so much good in your life that you are blinded to right now.
If there is something in your life that is making you unhappy, and you want to improve your happiness, you have two options on how to deal with it: fix it, or chose to find some joy in it.
I would recommend 2 things to you.
1 – Pick one small part of your life that you can fix, and do it. Maybe take one of the MFP members’ suggestions. Fight, and push until that one part of your life is better. Don’t give up on it, or think that it is impossible. Tackle one small part, and you will feel so much better.
2 – Stop the negative thoughts. Think about your thoughts, and try to recognize negative patterns. Are you constantly bashing your life all day? For example, thinking, “Great, another miserable day. Oh, and today is even worse because X Y and Z. I hate this life.” Recognize your negative thoughts, and think about why you are having them. What is causing them? Are they stemming from self-doubt? Jealousy? Then combat them: “I am alive today. I have a job, and a family. Today I get to do X Y and Z. I am a very fortunate man.”
I know this is easier said than done, and I don’t mean to make it sound like a walk in the park. But if you really put your mind to it, you can do this! Stay strong.1
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