"Good" and "Bad" Foods
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sabal20
Posts: 39 Member
My partner has developed quite an unhealthy relationship with food. And has started compartmentalising things into "good" and "bad" foods. He also becomes very grumpy if the scale hasn't gone down.
We were making lunches this morning and he said "hopefully by eating more lettuce I'll lose weight", I responded without thinking "you won't lose weight by adding lettuce but by eating less of what you used to put into your lunch". This started a huge fight. He usually eats heavily processed chicken filled with salt and sugar and lots of non chicken ingredients I can't pronounce. He went onto tell me that chicken was a good food and not bad. I said I didn't disagree but that 1oz of chicken had significantly more calories than 1oz of lettuce and a cup of chicken breast had more calories than the same amount of lettuce.
He was the one that introduced me to MFP and to CICO so I can't believe I had to explain this to him.
He went off in a huff and I left for work. I'm really worried about this approach to food. He's often said food and diet is the only thing he has control over. I don't know what to do to help him.
We were making lunches this morning and he said "hopefully by eating more lettuce I'll lose weight", I responded without thinking "you won't lose weight by adding lettuce but by eating less of what you used to put into your lunch". This started a huge fight. He usually eats heavily processed chicken filled with salt and sugar and lots of non chicken ingredients I can't pronounce. He went onto tell me that chicken was a good food and not bad. I said I didn't disagree but that 1oz of chicken had significantly more calories than 1oz of lettuce and a cup of chicken breast had more calories than the same amount of lettuce.
He was the one that introduced me to MFP and to CICO so I can't believe I had to explain this to him.
He went off in a huff and I left for work. I'm really worried about this approach to food. He's often said food and diet is the only thing he has control over. I don't know what to do to help him.
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Replies
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I would maybe suggest seeing a nutritionist with him.0
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simplyhannahm wrote: »I would maybe suggest seeing a nutritionist with him.
That could backfire. The nutritionist may have even worse ideas about good and bad food.
To the OP: I am not sure the 1 oz of chicken was worth getting into a rumble. I think I would probably be irritated too regardless of my faulty food opinions. If the additional lettuce helps him feel more full so he doesn't feel like eating things that are more caloric it is helping him lose weight.
In your post you criticize his chicken in a way that makes me think you think it is "bad" food yourself.He usually eats heavily processed chicken filled with salt and sugar and lots of non chicken ingredients I can't pronounce.
That is a food judgement which doesn't help him or you.
If he asks for your help then help him. If not, he may be taking your "helpful" comments as a jab at his weight. Or he may take it as a trespass of what he feels like is one of the few things he can control.
All he needs to do is create a calorie deficit each day. If he is doing that the scales will move for him.
Edited because @paperpudding made a good suggestion.
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All he needs to do is create a calorie deficit each day. If he is doing that and logging accurately the scales will move for him.
Pedantic of me perhaps -but if he is creating a calorie deficit he will lose weight - whether or not he is logging accurately or indeed logging at all.
OP sounds like one of those storm in a tea cup arguments to me. How about letting him try things his way, even if some of his thinking is flawed.
Does that matter if it works?2 -
I don't have a problem seeing foods as good or bad (I know that's anti-MFP rhetoric, but whatever). I do think how you define what's good vs what's bad is a potential problem. Foods that help you stay on track are good, foods that don't are bad.
Bigger picture, there's a lot of context missing from the post, because otherwise you'd have to have written a book for your post. Eating more lettuce could help him lose weight if that lettuce is replacing something else that's higher calorie. But it sounds like you know this. As you suggested, you can lose weight eating more food volume as long as the calories are appropriate - is that what he's trying to do?
Lastly, if he's emotional about this, which it sounds like he is... you have to catch him when he's feeling good about things. Suggesting he's doing something wrong or missing something probably won't go over well when he's already frustrated.1 -
The thing I've learned about losing weight and making food choices that are more nutritionally sound is people won't do it until they want to. I was 360lbs at 23 years old and I didn't see a single problem with it until one day I did. And then it all changed. But I had to want to, and then I started reading and researching and figuring things out.
My suggestion would be to be supportive and give advice if and when he asks for it. If you are in charge of cooking dinner, let's say, you can make the decisions as to what to serve. And then you can make choices that are nutritionally sound. You cannot control what he eats, he's an adult of course, but as a partner it is difficult to see someone you love taking part in activities that you know are harming to their long term health goals. Be supportive and encouraging, and small changes add up over time: like maybe if he's eating highly processed chicken now, the next time you go get groceries choose a different kind of chicken that is of better quality and he can use that in his lunch instead. Small things to change will add up huge over time.4 -
My partner has developed quite an unhealthy relationship with food. And has started compartmentalising things into "good" and "bad" foods. He also becomes very grumpy if the scale hasn't gone down.
We were making lunches this morning and he said "hopefully by eating more lettuce I'll lose weight", I responded without thinking "you won't lose weight by adding lettuce but by eating less of what you used to put into your lunch". This started a huge fight. He usually eats heavily processed chicken filled with salt and sugar and lots of non chicken ingredients I can't pronounce. He went onto tell me that chicken was a good food and not bad. I said I didn't disagree but that 1oz of chicken had significantly more calories than 1oz of lettuce and a cup of chicken breast had more calories than the same amount of lettuce.
He was the one that introduced me to MFP and to CICO so I can't believe I had to explain this to him.
He went off in a huff and I left for work. I'm really worried about this approach to food. He's often said food and diet is the only thing he has control over. I don't know what to do to help him.
I would apologize for your part in the fight and back off. Food is something he feels the need to control and if he wants to eat 8 oz of very processed chicken that is his business.
You might intoduce him to the volume eaters thread. There are good ideas for bulking out meals without adding a lot of calories. https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10563959/volume-eaters-thread/p1
If you think he really has an eating disorder or is depressed maybe suggest he seek professional help.
Get a food scale and use it. If you guys are measuring chicken or other food in cups it may help to use a food scale instead.
He probably got upset because you responded in a critical negative way that gave unsolicited advice on his usual diet when he wanted positive reinforcement of a choice. As you said you did not think or you probably would have just agreed that bulking out meals with lower calorie foods like lettuce will probably be very helpful.
You also seem to have a strong feeling that the chicken with salt, sugar and ingredients you can't pronounce is bad and annoyance at his grumpiness/labeling behavior being wrong. You need to realize that you have your own judgements you are bringing to discussions with him about this topic.
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acorsaut89 wrote: »The thing I've learned about losing weight and making food choices that are more nutritionally sound is people won't do it until they want to. I was 360lbs at 23 years old and I didn't see a single problem with it until one day I did. And then it all changed. But I had to want to, and then I started reading and researching and figuring things out.
My suggestion would be to be supportive and give advice if and when he asks for it. If you are in charge of cooking dinner, let's say, you can make the decisions as to what to serve. And then you can make choices that are nutritionally sound. You cannot control what he eats, he's an adult of course, but as a partner it is difficult to see someone you love taking part in activities that you know are harming to their long term health goals. Be supportive and encouraging, and small changes add up over time: like maybe if he's eating highly processed chicken now, the next time you go get groceries choose a different kind of chicken that is of better quality and he can use that in his lunch instead. Small things to change will add up huge over time.
If we had a fight over the chicken and suddenly it was replaced by a different "more acceptable" chicken we are going to have an even bigger fight next time. We men may not always be the smartest but we aren't that stupid.
No tricks, no manipulations, and no sneaking around because this is an adult not a kid.7 -
acorsaut89 wrote: »Be supportive and encouraging, and small changes add up over time: like maybe if he's eating highly processed chicken now, the next time you go get groceries choose a different kind of chicken that is of better quality and he can use that in his lunch instead. Small things to change will add up huge over time.
Why are you assuming she buys the groceries?
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FireOpalCO wrote: »acorsaut89 wrote: »Be supportive and encouraging, and small changes add up over time: like maybe if he's eating highly processed chicken now, the next time you go get groceries choose a different kind of chicken that is of better quality and he can use that in his lunch instead. Small things to change will add up huge over time.
Why are you assuming she buys the groceries?
Good point. I bought groceries yesterday.0 -
I don't think you can help him. He has to help himself. Maybe get a recommendation from his primary care dr for a nutritionist who can help him craft a food plan.1
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I understand where you’re coming from, OP. However, I think you, and a lot of people both here and in general, approach weight loss and nutrition through the negative instead of the positve. Seriously, you made a negative comment about how he approached his food, even when adding lettuce to his lunch sounds like a really legit choice. Sure, there might be better and more perfect choices that pay attention to every single detail and create a nutritious perfection, but adding lettuce is a great start. Maybe your partner, as well as other people, would be more encouraged with their choices if we were more positive about the good/better choices we do make instead of just going straight for the negative or where they could have done better. TBH, I’d get upset too if my lunch was commented like that. It sounds like your partner is really trying, and while his methods may not be perfect, they’re decent and sometimes decent is all we can manage. Besides, decent is hella better than nothing. So often we demand perfection from both ourselves and others (we only want our loved ones to do well!), and we forget that every little step takes us closer to our goals.2
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I understand where you’re coming from, OP. However, I think you, and a lot of people both here and in general, approach weight loss and nutrition through the negative instead of the positve. Seriously, you made a negative comment about how he approached his food, even when adding lettuce to his lunch sounds like a really legit choice. Sure, there might be better and more perfect choices that pay attention to every single detail and create a nutritious perfection, but adding lettuce is a great start. Maybe your partner, as well as other people, would be more encouraged with their choices if we were more positive about the good/better choices we do make instead of just going straight for the negative or where they could have done better. TBH, I’d get upset too if my lunch was commented like that. It sounds like your partner is really trying, and while his methods may not be perfect, they’re decent and sometimes decent is all we can manage. Besides, decent is hella better than nothing. So often we demand perfection from both ourselves and others (we only want our loved ones to do well!), and we forget that every little step takes us closer to our goals.
This reminded me of a story from when my son was in kindergarten. He was constantly in trouble, his conduct sheet was always filled with "check marks" (negative marks). One he struggled with the most was staying in his seat. (Never mind he was in K and shouldn't have been expected to sit that long at a time) He finally started staying in his seat!! THEN, his teacher started marking because he wasn't sitting "properly" IN his seat. No credit for staying in the seat, only more negativity that he wasn't doing it perfectly... WTF.
Give the guy a break. He's making progress, making some better choices.. give credit where credit is due.5 -
Hubby and I are both losing weight. I've done it by the book with MFP and weighing and logging, for the most part eating regular foods in quantities that meet my calories. I exercise regularly bu running 5-6 days a week and am usually training for a running event. I meal prep for the week and require breakfast, snacks, lunch, and dinner so I don't get the hangries.
Hubby has lost weight, also. Not as steadily as I have with more yo-yo-ing, but he's been on a good streak lately. He doesn't log or weigh his portions, but does keep a mental tally of calories. He also does some intense cardio between 1-2 hours a day and creates a good part of his deficit with exercise and carb avoidance. He does talk "woo" sometimes, but by and large knows that it's CICO that's behind it all. He "wings" it each week, although does have a go-to breakfast that works for him. I'd say he eats 300 calories for breakfast and then may not eat again until dinner.
When I think he could be more successful with some minor adjustments or I see him getting frustrated, I usually tee up the conversation anecdotally like, "I tried eating XYZ and I felt so full and it's super calorie-friendly! Do you want to try some?" Because I'm a meal prepper, I often ask him if he wants me to prep something for him. Usually it's like, "I bought a TON of XYZ food that I want to get through so it doesn't go bad. Do you want me to prep you some, too?"
I used to get frustrated with his weight loss style, especially as I labored so diligently to calculate everything. I never judge him (and he does not judge me) if there is a moment of weakness or poor eating choices are made.1 -
I do better thinking about these things in terms like "everyday foods" and "sometimes foods"3
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My partner has developed quite an unhealthy relationship with food. And has started compartmentalising things into "good" and "bad" foods. He also becomes very grumpy if the scale hasn't gone down.
We were making lunches this morning and he said "hopefully by eating more lettuce I'll lose weight", I responded without thinking "you won't lose weight by adding lettuce but by eating less of what you used to put into your lunch". This started a huge fight. He usually eats heavily processed chicken filled with salt and sugar and lots of non chicken ingredients I can't pronounce. He went onto tell me that chicken was a good food and not bad. I said I didn't disagree but that 1oz of chicken had significantly more calories than 1oz of lettuce and a cup of chicken breast had more calories than the same amount of lettuce.
He was the one that introduced me to MFP and to CICO so I can't believe I had to explain this to him.
He went off in a huff and I left for work. I'm really worried about this approach to food. He's often said food and diet is the only thing he has control over. I don't know what to do to help him.
Is the issue really that he's not losing? That's what it kind of sounds like. Is he logging? Or has he fallen into the idea that if he just eats "good" food and not "bad" food he will lose? Does he have unrealistic expectations about how fast he should lose?0 -
Deleted because I had to read the OP like 50 times before realizing what the tone of my post wouldn't have made sense.0
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