The mentality of "Accountability Buddies"
UncaToddly
Posts: 146 Member
So I see a lot of people posting that they are looking for friends to help them in their process and to help keep them accountable. Different people are different in how they respond to things or whatever but how do those of you who want this or do this have it really make a difference for you?
I ask because for me, it isn't anything that is going to help nor do I see myself being able to help anyone else in that regard. Yes, you can rah-rah when people have good days resisting temptation or "I really pushed myself at the gym today" but when I am standing in the accounting department in front of that box of donuts or in the lunchroom staring at the wall of candy bars & chips, having someone in Botswana or Kiev or even the next town over here in the Seattle, USA area that would say "walk away, you don't need that, you can do it" isn't going to make me stop making a bad choice. For some people though, complete strangers who know little about them is enough to help them make better decisions?
I am not trying to knock those who do this kind of thing and for whom it works but more a matter of trying to understand or see if I am missing something.
For me, what helps is when I am standing there in front of the wall of candy and chips and one of my co-workers who knows I am losing weight walks by and says, "Don't do it. Be Strong." or "Walk away brother, walk away, you are better than that."
What helps me is when I wasn't planning on taking a walk during work and one of my co-workers says "Are you going for a walk at lunch today? I will go with you.".... so now I have a little motivation I didn't have before.
For those of you that do seek the accountability buddies or whatever, how does it make you do anything different knowing that Todd in Seattle or Lisa in Ireland will know what you did/didn't do if you are completely honest about everything?
I ask because for me, it isn't anything that is going to help nor do I see myself being able to help anyone else in that regard. Yes, you can rah-rah when people have good days resisting temptation or "I really pushed myself at the gym today" but when I am standing in the accounting department in front of that box of donuts or in the lunchroom staring at the wall of candy bars & chips, having someone in Botswana or Kiev or even the next town over here in the Seattle, USA area that would say "walk away, you don't need that, you can do it" isn't going to make me stop making a bad choice. For some people though, complete strangers who know little about them is enough to help them make better decisions?
I am not trying to knock those who do this kind of thing and for whom it works but more a matter of trying to understand or see if I am missing something.
For me, what helps is when I am standing there in front of the wall of candy and chips and one of my co-workers who knows I am losing weight walks by and says, "Don't do it. Be Strong." or "Walk away brother, walk away, you are better than that."
What helps me is when I wasn't planning on taking a walk during work and one of my co-workers says "Are you going for a walk at lunch today? I will go with you.".... so now I have a little motivation I didn't have before.
For those of you that do seek the accountability buddies or whatever, how does it make you do anything different knowing that Todd in Seattle or Lisa in Ireland will know what you did/didn't do if you are completely honest about everything?
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it is common to have people who have gone thru the same thing you have for support in many different ventures where you are changing an aspect of your life. it is a safety net. they can message the person rather than put the money in the machine or the friends can remind you why you are making the changes.
online support group. like a sponsor or coach.
whether or not it works for you ymmv1 -
@UncaToddly I've often wondered about this. Not about IF it works, but HOW it works. I have 388 Friends on MFP, and I just checked the "Last Logged In" dates and found that 105 of them haven't logged in between 1 and 19 months ago. Should I send messages to those 105 people to remind them they should be actively logging in and tracking their food and exercise?
The remaining 283 comprise the active daily loggers, and some who haven't logged in for varying amounts of days less than a month. Do I go through and view 283 profiles and send messages based on my observation of bad food choices or reduction in exercise levels?
I've been on here 733 days and don't remember getting such messages from my Friends in all that time. I've only ever sent such messages on less than half a dozen instances.
There's a certain amount of interaction with posts on the wall which include references to completing the day and being under the calorie goal, and also to the amount of extra calories earned from exercise. Apart from the usual "Awesome" or "Great job" comments, there really isn't much there that could be labeled as "accountability".4 -
First off, that's wonderful that you have such a good real-life support network! Realize that many do not.
Acquiring a lengthy list of "friends" does very little to help a person, and I agree- completely don't understand why people do that. I've been on MFP 3 years and have acquired a very small group of women that I have come to consider personal friends of mine. We talk and are involved with each other, and aren't just avatars on a list. I do find their friendship helpful as we pursue similar health & fitness goals.
Now some people use the word "accountable", but I've found that to be baseless. The only person I'm really accountable to is myself. Sometimes I am moved to avoid bad choices because I know others will see them (and I happen to be honest, so that's not an issue), but typically that's a very limited amount of motivation.
Bottom line is, everyone can use MFP in the way that most benefits them.8 -
I post somewhere else in a low traffic forum (you could create a group here) daily, as do just a couple of others, with my stats for the day, usually a screen shot, and we discuss exercise and calories for it and whatnot. I don't know the posters IRL, but I always log honestly and I almost always do a daily post there. Just having someone you let see how you are doing daily or often can help you keep disciplined IME.2
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If you have access to "real life" support and motivation I'm sure that can be far more helpful than anonymous online support, but not everyone has that access. I do have "support" from my partner, but she's also more than happy to encourage my bad habits if it means getting to sleep in, or that I'll bring home extra treats with the groceries. As far as others I interact with IRL, most get nasty if I mention my workouts or my goals because either they have decided I'm thin enough (and cannot fathom exercising and watching your diet if you're already thin) or they hear that my goal is strength training and they do not believe women should be muscular. So having online friends with similar goals and similar experiences is incredibly helpful to me. Especially knowing they will notice that either I didn't eat enough for the day, or that I went crazy on the sweets at night, and wont be afraid to call me out.3
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I appreciate the responses and perspectives and hope to see more. I think that what I am seeing from some of you (@try2again and @saragd012 for example ) is kind of the weeding out of or thinning down the large numbers of people to a core group that isn't simply lip service so to speak. Ones who will truly notice when that you haven't entered any exercise for a few days and will be concerned if something is wrong and want to know if you are OK.
I don't typically talk much about what I am doing to those IRL unless they ask. The wife and I don't really have many outside friends (maybe 4 or 5 really) and we don't see them very often but I do work and lots of people see me everyday and occasionally they will ask what I am doing to lose the weight. It helps that I am large as it is more apparent than if you are 160 and lose 10% compared to being 360 and losing 10%.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that it works for some people but I would suspect that most have experiences similar to @TonyB0588, but for those who don't have ANY RL support, some support is better than none and hopefully friendships can be formed that tighten bonds. Luckily for me, my wife is a very big support for me and I for her but I realize that not everyone has that. 1 -
When all else fails, and your friends start judging you or your family starts making snarky comments, its us here who will always pick you up and give you morale support.6
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My wife has had heart trouble, smokes and is overweight (probably technically obese). She seems to take any talk of my success as criticism, so I had to look elsewhere for support.10
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CarvedTones wrote: »My wife has had heart trouble, smokes and is overweight (probably technically obese). She seems to take any talk of my success as criticism, so I had to look elsewhere for support.
That's a shame I am sorry
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UncaToddly wrote: »I appreciate the responses and perspectives and hope to see more. I think that what I am seeing from some of you (@try2again and @saragd012 for example ) is kind of the weeding out of or thinning down the large numbers of people to a core group that isn't simply lip service so to speak. Ones who will truly notice when that you haven't entered any exercise for a few days and will be concerned if something is wrong and want to know if you are OK.
Yes. And along those lines, I find the blanket appeal for friends posts really dumb. I looked around the forums specifically for people with whom I shared things in common and had similar goals and then reached out to them personally. I've found some wonderful people this way, one of which that has become one of my closest friends & that I have visited in person.
Again, it's wonderful if a person doesn't need any extra support, but used the right way, it can be a valuable tool for those of us who do. 5 -
UncaToddly wrote: »So I see a lot of people posting that they are looking for friends to help them in their process and to help keep them accountable. Different people are different in how they respond to things or whatever but how do those of you who want this or do this have it really make a difference for you?
I ask because for me, it isn't anything that is going to help nor do I see myself being able to help anyone else in that regard. Yes, you can rah-rah when people have good days resisting temptation or "I really pushed myself at the gym today" but when I am standing in the accounting department in front of that box of donuts or in the lunchroom staring at the wall of candy bars & chips, having someone in Botswana or Kiev or even the next town over here in the Seattle, USA area that would say "walk away, you don't need that, you can do it" isn't going to make me stop making a bad choice. For some people though, complete strangers who know little about them is enough to help them make better decisions?
I am not trying to knock those who do this kind of thing and for whom it works but more a matter of trying to understand or see if I am missing something.
For me, what helps is when I am standing there in front of the wall of candy and chips and one of my co-workers who knows I am losing weight walks by and says, "Don't do it. Be Strong." or "Walk away brother, walk away, you are better than that."
What helps me is when I wasn't planning on taking a walk during work and one of my co-workers says "Are you going for a walk at lunch today? I will go with you.".... so now I have a little motivation I didn't have before.
For those of you that do seek the accountability buddies or whatever, how does it make you do anything different knowing that Todd in Seattle or Lisa in Ireland will know what you did/didn't do if you are completely honest about everything?
You may find it interesting to read up on intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation. It sounds like you are an intrinsic motivator (which I am as well). We're all wired differently in that regard - some people want/need lots of external support, cheerleading and validation; others find it not useful/distracting and source their motivation from within.8 -
CarvedTones wrote: »My wife has had heart trouble, smokes and is overweight (probably technically obese). She seems to take any talk of my success as criticism, so I had to look elsewhere for support.
That's a shame I am sorry
That is indeed sad. I do indeed understand the criticism aspect though. It is often tough to understand that side of it but there is typically some sort of underlying mental issue beneath it. It is hard though when all you are doing is trying to be happy about your own successes but others can't see it as celebrating your successes alone but that somehow celebrating your successes means it is vilifying their own shortcomings.
Even before my wife and I started doing this together this time around, she was always happy about my successes and never felt (or at least expressed) that my successes meant anything about her abilities. My condolences for those without even that level of rah-rah.
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You may find it interesting to read up on intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation. It sounds like you are an intrinsic motivator (which I am as well). We're all wired differently in that regard - some people want/need lots of external support, cheerleading and validation; others find it not useful/distracting and source their motivation from within.
I will do just that, thanks for the direction!
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Yesterday I joined a new thread and asked, "How doe we keep this going, a small group of us?" I deleted the part about creating a FB group for us to share daily updates (on any topic), but I made the group and IF I can find those folks, I will invite them to it. Having people IRL as well as online--to whom I will be telling my daily story--may or may not motivate me, but it's more fun 0
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I am not a good buddy to have I am afraid. I have never been a Facebook person so I am not accustomed to checking the news feeds for stuff I am supposed to like or comment on. I forget it is there almost all of the time.
If you tell me that someone is getting something out of me liking something I will try to do better but the idea is completely foreign to me. If there were less news I might try to comment but there is so much there so what am I going to do type "good going" or some such for everything?
I try to make anyone I have one on one communication with feel as though I value them. That is so hard to do in this format.3 -
A big part of addiction support groups is the idea of having semi-anonymous strangers you need to be truthful with and can get support and guidance from, isn't it? It's certainly not a new concept.
Some people have trouble focusing on a goal, so getting other people involved that they have to report to is necessary. Just like some employees need to be micromanaged while others work better when left alone. Some people disappoint themselves all the time, but hate to disappoint others, even people they don't know. Sometimes the people you are close to bring along judgement, expectations, and reminders of your old way of doing things. And some people are alone in the world, all they have is strangers.
I would guess for some people the sheer volume of posts and replies in the main forum can be terrifying, and having a group of "friends" to report failures and successes to or to get advice from seems more controllable.
There are plenty of folks out in the real world who think people who need to log their food and count calories are weird and choosing an unnecessary crutch to lean on
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I joined mfp because I couldn't lose weight anymore by working out at a gym and really didn't know what I was doing wrong. I also work the night shift and there is almost no advice with how to lose weight when working the night shift. My personal trainer talked me into mfp and I started logging daily. It was almost 6 months before I posted a comment in the forum. After that I was invited to have friends and I started doing it. It's kind of nice to have support from anyone who is committed to doing this for any length of time. I keep my circle of friends small because I can't truly support 300 friends, more like 30 friends. If I really need advice about working out or dieting, then I pose a question to the forum. Otherwise I do my own thing. It's nice to give and get advice. Some of my friends are real workout warriors and it helps inspire me to get my buns moving. My husband wasn't that supportive at first because he saw gym time and logging time as time away from him. (He is better now because he sees the results and knows that I am much happier). I would still log with or without friends, but nice to have the comraderie of people who are going through the same struggles.
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I've posted in those accountabilibuddies threads before, and that's where all of my friends on my list are from. Some more active than others, but I felt like I needed to start somewhere on my journey. My list will evolve as time goes on, and until I start posting more and connecting with more people on the forums... these peeps are all I have.0
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I am not a good buddy to have I am afraid. I have never been a Facebook person so I am not accustomed to checking the news feeds for stuff I am supposed to like or comment on. I forget it is there almost all of the time...
I'm guilty of this as well. But mostly because MFP's newsfeed feature is so primitive/limited that it's all but completely useless. You have no way of knowing if/when somebody responded to your posts, nor if they replied to your comments on their posts, and they're not brought back up to the top in the newsfeed when somebody responds. It's really not useful for anything more than a quick 'attaboy!', as there's no way to track any ongoing conversation.
To top that off, the MFP blogs/ads in the newsfeed are ridiculously overwhelming and clutter it up so badly that it's almost unreadable anyway. Especially in the mobile version. So basically, I don't even bother looking at the newsfeed.2 -
I am very new to MFP round two. However I am not one to collect a bunch of friends, same with FB. On a recent thread where it seemed the original suggestion was for everyone that had 100 pounds or more to loose. Lets everyone friend everyone, and hold each up each other on this long journey. So what I saw through six pages were people saying how much they had to loose, and that they went and sent an invite to the original poster. And that accomplished what exactly? So me being the natural born instigator said what if instead we just say yes we have X to loose, introduce ourselves, do not worry about sending out friend invites right away. And mention what was our motivator, aha moment, as I am 100% on board that we are accountable to ourselves first and last. But I am also interested in what others have found that works or does not work for themselves. What helps them, who is the wind behind them pushing them along if they do have that in their corner. I do, my hubby is very supportive. And I can admit here, that he really knows little of my long term battle with weight. He has been my side through many wars on weight, but not the internal wars, or self hate issues I have gone through. As some things are impossible to share with a non yo yo dieter no matter how one tries over the years. So I admit for me that is something at times I seek is how on boards you can find others that understand at a level most regular people do not. But the accountability for not picking up the donuts, that is on each of us all by ourselves, at least from my standpoint.0
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I am not a good buddy to have I am afraid. I have never been a Facebook person so I am not accustomed to checking the news feeds for stuff I am supposed to like or comment on. I forget it is there almost all of the time...
I'm guilty of this as well. But mostly because MFP's newsfeed feature is so primitive/limited that it's all but completely useless. You have no way of knowing if/when somebody responded to your posts, nor if they replied to your comments on their posts, and they're not brought back up to the top in the newsfeed when somebody responds. It's really not useful for anything more than a quick 'attaboy!', as there's no way to track any ongoing conversation.
To top that off, the MFP blogs/ads in the newsfeed are ridiculously overwhelming and clutter it up so badly that it's almost unreadable anyway. Especially in the mobile version. So basically, I don't even bother looking at the newsfeed.
I get notifications when someone comments on my posts or if they comment on one I've commented on.
As far as the OP... I don't really get the blanket requests for friends, but will often send a friend request (with a note) to those that I've enjoyed interacting with in the forums. Now and then, I will message if I notice something that seems out of the ordinary (a steady logger that isn't logging all of a sudden), but it's rare and depends on the person and how our 'friendship' has progressed. For instance, Novus is in my friend list because we bump into each other a lot on the boards, but I don't know anything at all about his logging. Sorry, @NovusDies, Guess I'm not much of an accountability buddy for ya. 1 -
serindipte wrote: »I get notifications when someone comments on my posts or if they comment on one I've commented on.
As far as the OP... I don't really get the blanket requests for friends, but will often send a friend request (with a note) to those that I've enjoyed interacting with in the forums. Now and then, I will message if I notice something that seems out of the ordinary (a steady logger that isn't logging all of a sudden), but it's rare and depends on the person and how our 'friendship' has progressed. For instance, Novus is in my friend list because we bump into each other a lot on the boards, but I don't know anything at all about his logging. Sorry, @NovusDies, Guess I'm not much of an accountability buddy for ya.
None of my logging shows up on the newsfeed so if you did know something about it I would be worried. I don't really need an accountability buddy which is probably another reason I am not a good one. I do enjoy our interactions which makes you more of a forum friend which I prefer.1 -
I think that a person can succeed without an accountability friends. However being accountable does help with started those good habits...those life changing elements. I know plenty of times that I didn't want to go to the gym but did so because I felt accountable for someone taking the time to work with me. I do have friends who haven't logged in 4 months and I ask myself, " are they really serious about this?" I love helping other people to find the tools to get there. I itself have gotten great advice from my mfp friends.0
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I'm probably going to get some negativity here, but:
Accountability is you, not anyone else. If you "need" someone else to keep you accountable for what you do, there's an immensely high change of long term failure. Why, because when it comes right down to it only one person is the reason you will succeed or fail at fitness/weight goals: you.
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I'm probably going to get some negativity here, but:
Accountability is you, not anyone else. If you "need" someone else to keep you accountable for what you do, there's an immensely high change of long term failure. Why, because when it comes right down to it only one person is the reason you will succeed or fail at fitness/weight goals: you.
I won't disagree with that at all.
With that said, I think the best possible scenario in terms of extrinsic accountability (if one is into that) is either a good workout partner or a coach/trainer who you've paid money to. Knowing that an actual, live somebody is going to be there and counting on you to show up is (IMO) far more powerful motivation than any "cyber relationship", and you can't lie or fake it because they're actually there waiting for you. And if you've paid a trainer, you know you're throwing money down the drain by not showing up.1 -
For me making "friends" here was less about receiving support or having someone pat me on the back or someone to hold me accountable and more about just giving me a reason to log into this site everyday.
The first time I joined MFP I didn't add any friends and lost interest in the entire site pretty quickly. Because of this I stopped logging in and therefore stopped logging food and exercise. When I rejoined and added friends, I found entertainment value in the site and found myself logging in everyday simply because I wanted to laugh at silly posts and enjoy the non fitness related discussions I had with the friends I made here. Even though our conversations were not directly health and fitness related, my focus remained on health and fitness since it the site in general was smacking me in the face with it everyday when I logged in (seeing the food journal, friends logging exercise etc). I started logging and tracking because I was here anyway and lost the weight and maintained it.0 -
I'm probably going to get some negativity here, but:
Accountability is you, not anyone else. If you "need" someone else to keep you accountable for what you do, there's an immensely high change of long term failure. Why, because when it comes right down to it only one person is the reason you will succeed or fail at fitness/weight goals: you.
I won't disagree with that at all.
With that said, I think the best possible scenario in terms of extrinsic accountability (if one is into that) is either a good workout partner or a coach/trainer who you've paid money to. Knowing that an actual, live somebody is going to be there and counting on you to show up is (IMO) far more powerful motivation than any "cyber relationship", and you can't lie or fake it because they're actually there waiting for you. And if you've paid a trainer, you know you're throwing money down the drain by not showing up.
I agree with what you are saying. I almost never missed a session with my personal trainer.....and it was expensive plus that was time that trainer we couldn't work with another client.Whereas if I am also spending money at a gym but not going, other clients can still use the gym.
There is not that same type of accountability with mfp friends. However sometimes that word of encouragement can keep one going. I never criticize a diary but may make a comment that might help someone else keep track. Its the small changes that make a big difference.0 -
It depends on the person. Like someone earlier said- some people are intrinsically motivated, while others are more extrinsically motivated. I think we can all be motivated in some way or another by other people, but the way they motivate us may be different.
For instance, if someone tells me I should work out then I will not work out. I don't like being told by someone else that I need to do something, even if I really need to do it. So accountability doesn't work really well for me, I like figuring things out on my own and I don't like being told what to do. However, I do like to share my successes, so the Non-scale victory thread and threads like it in the success forum really motivate me.4 -
Wow!! This thread has certainly gained momentum since i posted a day ago.
The facts are thag I started off with no friends and actually refused the first few Requests I received. I don't do Facebook, and didn't see any point in doing the social networking aspect of this site.
After I finally accepted a few, it just got addictive and my list grew, but I still don't think it makes a great deal of diffetence.0 -
For me I’ve done it both ways with friends and then when I got lazy and really wasn’t committed to myself my program I deleted my friends who I hadn’t known that long anyway, and you did seem a little bit weird to talk to people you were never going to meet. So then I just sort of used MFP on my own. Which meant that soon after I started doing that I really really abandoned it and got very very unfocused. I don’t like tracking my world with people locally because I feel judged which is my own problem, which I know is ridiculous. But there is something powerful about reading other peoples challenges of the day or successes or having someone who takes the time to reply to something that you post that you’re proud of. So today, I’ve gone on and found people and started to attempt to friend people in an effort to build a small but fun community or maybe it’ll be large who knows of people that are committed to never being where they were Before again.0
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