Alcohol Dependency
voicimonpasseport
Posts: 10 Member
Hi guys,
I’m not really sure where to post this, but I have a question regarding alcohol dependency or unhealthy habits. I went on a first date with someone who was great, but he had five beers. We hung out for about two and a half hours, I had two drinks. It worried me because towards the end he was slurring his speech a bit. I later told him that’s something that concerned me and he said he four beers which makes me question my memory. He also said that I should get to know him better and is surprised I was worried about his lifestyle. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship so my reaction was to apologize for suggesting it was something to be concerened about. But I’m worried his response was also an indication that he was caught off guard and may have some mild alcoholism brewing.
I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol. Does this sound concerning to any of you, or familiar?
I’m not really sure where to post this, but I have a question regarding alcohol dependency or unhealthy habits. I went on a first date with someone who was great, but he had five beers. We hung out for about two and a half hours, I had two drinks. It worried me because towards the end he was slurring his speech a bit. I later told him that’s something that concerned me and he said he four beers which makes me question my memory. He also said that I should get to know him better and is surprised I was worried about his lifestyle. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship so my reaction was to apologize for suggesting it was something to be concerened about. But I’m worried his response was also an indication that he was caught off guard and may have some mild alcoholism brewing.
I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol. Does this sound concerning to any of you, or familiar?
3
Replies
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I would be worried about anyone who has that many drinks on a first date. 5 drinks in one sitting is binge drinking by definition although many people drink that much and think that it is normal.5
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I guess it could have been his nerves? I have been on dates before and drank a fair amount of alcohol as it just helps to get the conversation flowing etc. I would get to know him a little bit more first before assuming he has any issues.8
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It's okay to have your own limits and boundaries when it comes to deciding who to date. He doesn't have to agree with you that it's a problem -- it's enough that it's not what you're looking for in a potential partner.
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First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.4
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Listen to your "spidey senses". If his behavior set off alarm bells there is a reason. Better to trust yourself now than to regret not trusting yourself later.18
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You don't have to have a reason to not want to date someone. It could be that his socks were the wrong color or pronounced "realtor" wrong (one of my pet peeves). If you don't want a second date, just tell him you're not compatible.15
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Your story makes reasonable cause for concern. You carry a good deal of experience and bias going into this, but what do you think? Does the risk override the reward?
Alcoholism isn't so much about volume, but how the individual reacts to it. 5 beers is a high number for 2.5 hours.
It would be reasonable to show concern if a person ordered two entrees at dinner. Any reasonable person would want an explanation. If that is met with denial and gaslighting...well I leave that up to you.15 -
good rule of thumb...just listen to your own body. if its no...its no. no reasoning needed.4
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It sounds like you’re completely unsuited to each other. No more. No less.1
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So don't date him again, really simple.0
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janejellyroll wrote: »It's okay to have your own limits and boundaries when it comes to deciding who to date. He doesn't have to agree with you that it's a problem -- it's enough that it's not what you're looking for in a potential partner.
very well said and I agree with @janejellyroll
Drinking 5 beers on a first date indicates that he either has alcohol dependency already or is at high risk for developing alcohol dependency. This would be a big red flag for me.
Sometimes I think that the concepts of alcoholism & alcohol dependency, useful as they are, may get in our way when we are trying to figure things like this out. His liver and brain are affected the same amount whether he is an "I can't quit" alcoholic or a person who could quit but who is living like an alcoholic.2 -
Dang I must have a worse problem than I thought cuz 5 drinks in 2 1/2 hours sounds pretty normal to me
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To me that sounds like a total red flag, I would definitely not be going on a second date with him if I were in your position. This is mostly based on the fact that I wouldn’t be interested in someone that drinks that much in one sitting anymore, let alone on a first date!
Edit: I’m not interested in anyone at all anymore other than my incredible husband, but just speaking theoretically!!0 -
I don't think that's necessarily a red flag for an alcohol problem, but if sees that as normal and you see it as a huge red flag, it probably means you're not compatible. I probably wouldn't drink that much on a first date (definitely not a dinner date, it would depend on what we were doing) but wouldn't think anything of drinking 4-5 drinks on a night out with girlfriends.
I get way too anxious about drinking and driving, so I don't drive if I'm going to have any drinks at all. To me, dealing with both the extra calories and paying for an uber or taking the extra time to take public transportation isn't worth it for 1-2 drinks. I either drive and just stick to diet coke or have 3-5 drinks (probably 3-4 at something like a happy hour, more like 5 at something like a night out dancing or a concert). I drink no more than once per week and often it ends up actually being once per month or so.
I think it's totally fine to set a limit that you're comfortable with and with dating obviously you're looking for someone that shares the same values. It's fine to say that you don't want to date anyone who drinks more than a glass or two of wine at dinner. I do think it's a little ridiculous to assume someone has an alcohol problem because you saw them have 4-5 drinks though, especially a guy that can presumably drink more than most women.
I used to be really close with this girl who partied like a 19 year old on spring break every time we started drinking...she never knew when to stop and would have tons of shots and drinks...at least 10+ every time, would black out most nights, and would be hungover for 2-3 days (which is a symptom of alcohol poisoning) every single time she went out. To me, that signals a problem with alcohol.2 -
Blonde_Runner615 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »It's okay to have your own limits and boundaries when it comes to deciding who to date. He doesn't have to agree with you that it's a problem -- it's enough that it's not what you're looking for in a potential partner.
very well said and I agree with @janejellyroll
Drinking 5 beers on a first date indicates that he either has alcohol dependency already or is at high risk for developing alcohol dependency. This would be a big red flag for me.
Sometimes I think that the concepts of alcoholism & alcohol dependency, useful as they are, may get in our way when we are trying to figure things like this out. His liver and brain are affected the same amount whether he is an "I can't quit" alcoholic or a person who could quit but who is living like an alcoholic.
Yeah, when you're in a relationship with someone who is drinking too much *for your personal preferences*, it's really irrelevant whether or not they're struggling with alcoholism/dependency or if they just like drinking a lot and don't want to quit. The causes are less important than the impact on your life.
I think there are good reasons why one might stay in a relationship with someone who developed alcohol dependency/problem drinking while they try to get things sorted out, but on a first date . . . before you've developed a stronger bond? No, not worth it. I wouldn't risk developing feelings if I was seeing personal dealbreakers on the first date.7 -
Mostly what others have said. But a little stronger on this point - any time you bring up a concern, VALID OR NOT, if the other person brushes it off, that's BAD. There are two separate issues here: (1) how much he drinks, which may or may not be a problem; and (2) your concern about it, which IS a problem. If he ignores or treats as unimportant the fact that this is something that worries you, it shows a lack of concern for YOU.VioletRojo wrote: »You don't have to have a reason to not want to date someone. It could be that his socks were the wrong color or pronounced "realtor" wrong (one of my pet peeves). If you don't want a second date, just tell him you're not compatible.
I went and double-checked my pronunciation
but seriously how DO people pronounce it? Isn't it like ... "real" + "ter"? 2 -
clicketykeys wrote: »Mostly what others have said. But a little stronger on this point - any time you bring up a concern, VALID OR NOT, if the other person brushes it off, that's BAD. There are two separate issues here: (1) how much he drinks, which may or may not be a problem; and (2) your concern about it, which IS a problem. If he ignores or treats as unimportant the fact that this is something that worries you, it shows a lack of concern for YOU.VioletRojo wrote: »You don't have to have a reason to not want to date someone. It could be that his socks were the wrong color or pronounced "realtor" wrong (one of my pet peeves). If you don't want a second date, just tell him you're not compatible.
I went and double-checked my pronunciation but seriously how DO people pronounce it? Isn't it like ... "real" + "ter"?
You've got it right, but I hear so many people pronounce it "real-a-tore". It's such a small thing, but it bugs me.
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it may or may not be dependency issue-but it does sound like you aren't a good match
and that's ok. next.1 -
At best, he is exhibiting poor judgment or coping strategies. At worst, he has a problem.
Your call if you were to date him again or not. But the control enthusiast in me would make sure he wasn't in charge of any motor vehicles I would share with him until I knew if this was a on-off or a typical behavior.
But whatever you choose, please don't choose to try to rescue him. That seldom turns out well.8 -
I'm with those that said that the bigger issue is how he treated you when you brought up a concern. I think that a person who will do that to someone they don't hardly know will DEFINITELY do that to someone they're in a relationship. I wouldn't go out with this guy again.
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LonnaWhiting wrote: »First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.
Where are you getting that the OP has her own problems with alcohol? There's no mention of that, just of a past abusive relationship.
OP, you should respect your own instincts, and don't let someone talk you out of this.
Also, ask yourself who you would credit more as a reliable witness to how much someone drank: A third-party with no obvious axe to grind, or the person who has two obvious motivations for downplaying the number of drinks (denying to himself that he has a drinking problem, and denying it to you).
Who do you think is more likely to remember the number of drinks correctly, the person who had two drinks or the guy who admits to having four and was slurring his speech?
He either can't remember because he was drunk, has convinced himself that he didn't have "that much," or is lying to you and trying to gaslight you (successfully) into doubting your own memory. None of those sound like a stellar candidate for dating, but of course it's your choice. (Hint: it's your choice, not his choice, and not the choice of anybody on the Internet.)4 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »LonnaWhiting wrote: »First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.
Where are you getting that the OP has her own problems with alcohol?
OP says: "I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol."4 -
janejellyroll wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »LonnaWhiting wrote: »First of all, congratulations for conquering your own bad habits with alcohol. Since you don't know the guy that well, maybe try one more time, but this time in a venue that doesn't offer alcohol. He could have been nervous ... or he very well could have a problem. Maybe seeing how he does in a NA environment will cue you in the right direction.
Where are you getting that the OP has her own problems with alcohol?
OP says: "I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol."
That’s right. In my past relationship I was drinking more than I would have liked to. Partially because it was easier to turn a blind eye after a glass of wine, partially because he insisted on having it around every evening and it became to easy to fall prey to a little buzz. But when that wasn’t enough I had to get real with where I was at and only then did I leave him. You both are correct in your own way.
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I think it is a red flag.
If I was on a first date, I think I'd be so worried about my first impression I wouldn't dare drink that much, especially if the other person was not.
The fact that he did not, or could not, moderate, therefore, is worrisome.
You got out of an abusive relationship for a reason. Don't take a chance on getting in to another. There are good, normal, stable people out there.2 -
way back when I was a drunk I thought 6 to 12 or more beers on a Saturday was normal.
Been sober 35 years now. Missed the whole micro/craft brew explosion in the US.
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voicimonpasseport wrote: »Hi guys,
I’m not really sure where to post this, but I have a question regarding alcohol dependency or unhealthy habits. I went on a first date with someone who was great, but he had five beers. We hung out for about two and a half hours, I had two drinks. It worried me because towards the end he was slurring his speech a bit. I later told him that’s something that concerned me and he said he four beers which makes me question my memory. He also said that I should get to know him better and is surprised I was worried about his lifestyle. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship so my reaction was to apologize for suggesting it was something to be concerened about. But I’m worried his response was also an indication that he was caught off guard and may have some mild alcoholism brewing.
I’ve done a lot of work to change my life and circumstances and my OWN habits with alcohol. Does this sound concerning to any of you, or familiar?
He may have just been nervous and had more than he normally does, however, you shouldn't have to have a conversation to voice your concerns about that on the first date. If you have questions whatsoever, and especially considering your past issues, then I wouldn't see any reason to entertain a second date. You shouldn't have to apologize for voicing your opinion on something that concerns you on your first date. You said you have worked on your life and habits and that is awesome. If you have concerns, then don't give anyone the opportunity to drag you back into a negative place.2 -
If he's drinking to the point of slurred speech then "Houston, we have a problem". I used to be an alcoholic for 2 years but I was able to step away from it 17 years ago.3
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LouisTamsi wrote: »If he's drinking to the point of slurred speech then "Houston, we have a problem". I used to be an alcoholic for 2 years but I was able to step away from it 17 years ago.
Good for you! I know that takes a lot of trail and error until you’re really ready to surrender your habits and launch forward.
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way back when I was a drunk I thought 6 to 12 or more beers on a Saturday was normal.
Been sober 35 years now. Missed the whole micro/craft brew explosion in the US.
35 years?! Your body is happy with you for saving it. You’ve come a long way, sir. The micro brewery craft beer this is just a fancy way to get drunk off of beer now anyway.0 -
voicimonpasseport wrote: »Good for you! I know that takes a lot of trail and error until you’re really ready to surrender your habits and launch forward.
Not really, just hitting rock bottom usually does it.1
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