My Father Won't Stop Commenting On My Weight
witchgalraye
Posts: 32 Member
I wrote a little about this on my personal profile but every time it happens to me, it feels like I've been set backwards in time in how I think about myself. I thought I would ask for help.
Essentially, my father won't stop commenting on my body's weight gain over the past couple years. First off, it comes from a good place, I know that, but it's becoming ... mentally disheartening and overall hurtful. I've actually gained weight almost to spite him at times which blows my mind. I'm only 19 years old, so maybe it's that rebellious teenager within me that also makes me feel weird losing weight because it's what he wants. I want to do it for me, but his comments are so frequent and hurtful in their wording that my head is so jumbled and confused by who I'm really losing weight for.
I want it to be for me. I want to feel good in my body, but do I think being thinner will make me feel good or am I just trying to shut up my father?
Whenever I try a new diet he always says it's the wrong one and tries to be my dietitian even though when I've done what he's wanted I've gained weight (despite his methods making him lose weight). I fear getting excited about this eating plan I'm currently on because I know hell guilt me out of doing it because it's not his way. I don't do unhealthy diets. I do research before I try something new. I've even seen a dietitian and he's told me what she requested I do was wrong.
Yes, we've had multiple interventions. He won't change. So I'm left to having a mental battle with myself and was wondering if anyone had any tips for easing this. I'll be happy when I can move out, that's all I can say right now.
Essentially, my father won't stop commenting on my body's weight gain over the past couple years. First off, it comes from a good place, I know that, but it's becoming ... mentally disheartening and overall hurtful. I've actually gained weight almost to spite him at times which blows my mind. I'm only 19 years old, so maybe it's that rebellious teenager within me that also makes me feel weird losing weight because it's what he wants. I want to do it for me, but his comments are so frequent and hurtful in their wording that my head is so jumbled and confused by who I'm really losing weight for.
I want it to be for me. I want to feel good in my body, but do I think being thinner will make me feel good or am I just trying to shut up my father?
Whenever I try a new diet he always says it's the wrong one and tries to be my dietitian even though when I've done what he's wanted I've gained weight (despite his methods making him lose weight). I fear getting excited about this eating plan I'm currently on because I know hell guilt me out of doing it because it's not his way. I don't do unhealthy diets. I do research before I try something new. I've even seen a dietitian and he's told me what she requested I do was wrong.
Yes, we've had multiple interventions. He won't change. So I'm left to having a mental battle with myself and was wondering if anyone had any tips for easing this. I'll be happy when I can move out, that's all I can say right now.
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Replies
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So, uhhh, when will you be able to move out and get a place of your own?10
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How much weight do you want to lose?0
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Honestly, that happened to me when i was a bit younger and I eventually lost weight. Not for them... for myself. Because i wanted to be healthier. I wish I would've had the courage to confront my family for insulting me so much. I hope you don't get sucked in like i did and you can tell your dad that you're happy with how you look and you don't need his hurtful comments.2
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L1zardQueen wrote: »How much weight do you want to lose?
About 40 pounds. If I find myself getting too thin though I may pull it back to 30.0 -
dani_lopera wrote: »Honestly, that happened to me when i was a bit younger and I eventually lost weight. Not for them... for myself. Because i wanted to be healthier. I wish I would've had the courage to confront my family for insulting me so much. I hope you don't get sucked in like i did and you can tell your dad that you're happy with how you look and you don't need his hurtful comments.
Thank you so much. I'm sorry this happened to you too, but know you've helped me today to feel a bit better about the future. 💖1 -
Okay so I was going to say talk to him..but as interventions haven't worked then I would say stop talking to him.
Stop telling him your diets, stop telling him your work outs and the foods you eat (obviously he will see you eat) but just smile and say don't worry I've already worked it out.
He can't comment on what you're doing if he doesn't know what you're doing exactly. And even if he does half the time it will be irrelevant.
I know it would be nice, for support, and to share your journey with someone but in terms of your weight loss journey, that's not your dad. Maybe he's good at talking about other stuff but it sounds like this is not one of them. Even if he does mean well.
Dont get confused, or sidetrackdd by him. At this point you have a choice. Listen to what he says and be in a constant confusion of who you're doing it for, or ignore him, take your own advice and take control, when you take control you're doing it for yourself.
You ARE doing this for yourself y the way if you analyse what you've said in your post;
you don't want the negative comments, you want to do it YOUR way, you've come here to ask for advice on how to do it yourself and get rid of his input, even going as far to consider moving out just so you can do it YOUR way. so it is for you, you tried his way, it didn't work. Oh well. So try it your way this time. But don't tell him. And one day you'll be where YOU want to be and you will have got there without his help!
And then, then you can share what youve done and achieved and share it with him
It doesn't have to be tense or have any bad feelings, but it's just a dad wanting the best for his daughter but just going the wrong way about it, and unfortunately, it's having the opposite affect, that's just where you need to step in and just out him at arms length whilst you do this!
You don't have to shut him out of your life, just your weight loss journey until you feel you can involve him without it impacting your journey
Does that help? Bit long winded sorry haha20 -
Okay so I was going to say talk to him..but as interventions haven't worked then I would say stop talking to him.
Stop telling him your diets, stop telling him your work outs and the foods you eat (obviously he will see you eat) but just smile and say don't worry I've already worked it out.
He can't comment on what you're doing if he doesn't know what you're doing exactly. And even if he does half the time it will be irrelevant.
I know it would be nice, for support, and to share your journey with someone but in terms of your weight loss journey, that's not your dad. Maybe he's good at talking about other stuff but it sounds like this is not one of them. Even if he does mean well.
Dont get confused, or sidetrackdd by him. At this point you have a choice. Listen to what he says and be in a constant confusion of who you're doing it for, or ignore him, take your own advice and take control, when you take control you're doing it for yourself.
You ARE doing this for yourself y the way if you analyse what you've said in your post;
you don't want the negative comments, you want to do it YOUR way, you've come here to ask for advice on how to do it yourself and get rid of his input, even going as far to consider moving out just so you can do it YOUR way. so it is for you, you tried his way, it didn't work. Oh well. So try it your way this time. But don't tell him. And one day you'll be where YOU want to be and you will have got there without his help!
And then, then you can share what youve done and achieved and share it with him
It doesn't have to be tense or have any bad feelings, but it's just a dad wanting the best for his daughter but just going the wrong way about it, and unfortunately, it's having the opposite affect, that's just where you need to step in and just out him at arms length whilst you do this!
You don't have to shut him out of your life, just your weight loss journey until you feel you can involve him without it impacting your journey
Does that help? Bit long winded sorry haha
This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!!! Your words really hit home in a good way. 💖2 -
Starting weight? And your height?1
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witchgalraye wrote: »Okay so I was going to say talk to him..but as interventions haven't worked then I would say stop talking to him.
Stop telling him your diets, stop telling him your work outs and the foods you eat (obviously he will see you eat) but just smile and say don't worry I've already worked it out.
He can't comment on what you're doing if he doesn't know what you're doing exactly. And even if he does half the time it will be irrelevant.
I know it would be nice, for support, and to share your journey with someone but in terms of your weight loss journey, that's not your dad. Maybe he's good at talking about other stuff but it sounds like this is not one of them. Even if he does mean well.
Dont get confused, or sidetrackdd by him. At this point you have a choice. Listen to what he says and be in a constant confusion of who you're doing it for, or ignore him, take your own advice and take control, when you take control you're doing it for yourself.
You ARE doing this for yourself y the way if you analyse what you've said in your post;
you don't want the negative comments, you want to do it YOUR way, you've come here to ask for advice on how to do it yourself and get rid of his input, even going as far to consider moving out just so you can do it YOUR way. so it is for you, you tried his way, it didn't work. Oh well. So try it your way this time. But don't tell him. And one day you'll be where YOU want to be and you will have got there without his help!
And then, then you can share what youve done and achieved and share it with him
It doesn't have to be tense or have any bad feelings, but it's just a dad wanting the best for his daughter but just going the wrong way about it, and unfortunately, it's having the opposite affect, that's just where you need to step in and just out him at arms length whilst you do this!
You don't have to shut him out of your life, just your weight loss journey until you feel you can involve him without it impacting your journey
Does that help? Bit long winded sorry haha
This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!!! Your words really hit home in a good way. 💖
Haha its okay, I used to tell people lots of things, I was an over sharer. But I found the more I said the more could be used against me, if I said I was going to do something but then didn't and then they'd use that against me
I had a business idea once, my SIL started up a business with the same basic idea as she had the funds to start up.
That's when I stopped sharing. Atleast to the wrong people!
I have a new business idea and I've not told anyone about it haha
And I won't until I've actually done it!
I don't tell my dad what I'm doing until I've done it. Because I think he shares what I say as a proud dad moment but then it messes it up for me in the long run or someone else nicks the idea haha
I used to also tell me dad about his weight too. But he doesn't listen. He uses MFP occasionally but can't stick to it. I've thrown everything I know at him and I don't bother now. He doesn't want to listen and I'm not going to force him lol it's his body so he can what he pleased!
If he wants motivation he can watch me get my own butt into shape lol!2 -
So sad... he could be your biggest cheerleader. I was always over weight and my dad harped on me ALL THE TIME. His “diet or plan” for me was, just don’t hardly eat anything. I eventually lost 30 pounds and was so excited that I made the mistake of telling him and he said, “we’ll see if you keep it up!” I did keep it up and lost 115. I did it for me. I never said anything else to him about my weight. I celebrated each pound I lost without him.
Although it’s hard, you have to learn to drown him out and celebrate your success with those who support you. Surround yourself with people who will be “louder” and more positive than he is!
Good luck to you!7 -
So sad... he could be your biggest cheerleader. I was always over weight and my dad harped on me ALL THE TIME. His “diet or plan” for me was, just don’t hardly eat anything. I eventually lost 30 pounds and was so excited that I made the mistake of telling him and he said, “we’ll see if you keep it up!” I did keep it up and lost 115. I did it for me. I never said anything else to him about my weight. I celebrated each pound I lost without him.
Although it’s hard, you have to learn to drown him out and celebrate your success with those who support you. Surround yourself with people who will be “louder” and more positive than he is!
Good luck to you!
I could totally see and have heard my dad say these things before. Thank you for sharing! It really does help! 💖2 -
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You could just agree with everything he says and do what you are happy with 😉
Soon enough you will learn men like to think they know everything and they are right.
Truth is they’re only right because we let them think that 😉
then you can use that to wrap them around your finger, my girls have their dad and grandad wrapped around their wee fingers. Don’t let your inner rebellious teenager take over , it won’t work.
Your a woman and you can be strong minded just use it wisely to forge your own path in life 👍4 -
You want to totally freak him out? Tell him he’s been such a great model you are going to see men just like him. Men who will constantly criticize you and point out all your weak points. And you know what? You’ll just take it because the men are just being honest.
Just kidding.
You are a princess. You deserve the best. Enjoy your beautiful self now and celebrate the svelte woman you will become.
Share no food choices or dietary successes with good old dad. Save your money and move out when you can.7 -
I'm a mom and grandma and if I was your mom....I would have to clobber his controlling a**!
Now I feel better! By the way...looking at your picture...you are a gorgeous young lady and do not forget that!5 -
I have had to get very assertive with my own father that certain topics are no longer up for discussion with him. If some day I want his opinion or advice then Iwill find him, otherwise, I don’t want to hear it.2
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I agree with share NOTHING and be happy go lucky and change the subject of food!2
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I dont mean this literally because they're you're family after all but sometimes you just need to say:
SCREW WHAT THEY THINK. Listen, when you feel down because they made a comment about your appearance, you're giving them control and stopping yourself from going after what you want. Dont beat yourself up, if anything, use it as motivation to push you. What they think doesnt matter, only what you think of yourself matters, just saying. Just brush it off and do what you got to do.0 -
witchgalraye wrote: »
Essentially, my father won't stop commenting on my body's weight gain over the past couple years. First off, it comes from a good place, I know that, but it's becoming ... mentally disheartening and overall hurtful.[/] I've actually gained weight almost to spite him at times which blows my mind. I'm only 19 years old, so maybe it's that rebellious teenager within me that also makes me feel weird losing weight because it's what he wants. I want to do it for me, but his comments are so frequent and hurtful in their wording that my head is so jumbled and confused by who I'm really losing weight for.
I want it to be for me. I want to feel good in my body, but do I think being thinner will make me feel good or am I just trying to shut up my father?
Whenever I try a new diet he always says it's the wrong one and tries to be my dietitian even though when I've done what he's wanted I've gained weight (despite his methods making him lose weight). I fear getting excited about this eating plan I'm currently on because I know hell guilt me out of doing it because it's not his way. I don't do unhealthy diets. I do research before I try something new. I've even seen a dietitian and he's told me what she requested I do was wrong.
Yes, we've had multiple interventions. He won't change. So I'm left to having a mental battle with myself and was wondering if anyone had any tips for easing this. I'll be happy when I can move out, that's all I can say right now.
I'm going to be the one that goes against the grain a bit here. But let me also say that I happen to be a father with a 19 year old daughter that I love and care about very much.
Gather your thoughts, think it through, and pick a time when he has not recently said anything hurtful about your diet. And then calmly and firmly explain to him how you feel about his comments, especially the bolded. If he is anything other than a miserable control freak, it's probably going to sting a bit. I honestly think most parents want to be good parents, it's just that the kids often won't be assertive at the appropriate time to help them with their mistakes. And make sure he knows you aren't going to try anything that might be dangerous or have long term health consequences, but that YOU have to figure it out YOURSELF and do it for YOU, since that is how most adults deal with their life issues.
Sometimes the most well intended things get screwed up, and parents try whatever pressure they think might work. But I can tell you I'd be absolutely devastated if my daughter ever told me that I was doing something that caused her mental stress on the level you are speaking of.
You're a young adult, and often "adulting" is a two way street. There is nothing wrong with being firm with your father if he is being hurtful. Foster the type of relationship you want to have with him.
If he is in fact just a miserable control freak, continue on with the ideas of distancing him from that type of information while you work on the long term plans of moving out.
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You could just agree with everything he says and do what you are happy with 😉
Soon enough you will learn men like to think they know everything and they are right.
Truth is they’re only right because we let them think that 😉
then you can use that to wrap them around your finger, my girls have their dad and grandad wrapped around their wee fingers. Don’t let your inner rebellious teenager take over , it won’t work.
Your a woman and you can be strong minded just use it wisely to forge your own path in life 👍
Yes! I've done some of this but I can't help but wish I didn't have to do this, ya know? I wish with all my heart we could just communicate, not manipulate.1 -
You want to totally freak him out? Tell him he’s been such a great model you are going to see men just like him. Men who will constantly criticize you and point out all your weak points. And you know what? You’ll just take it because the men are just being honest.
Just kidding.
You are a princess. You deserve the best. Enjoy your beautiful self now and celebrate the svelte woman you will become.
Share no food choices or dietary successes with good old dad. Save your money and move out when you can.
LOL! Thank you!0 -
I'm a mom and grandma and if I was your mom....I would have to clobber his controlling a**!
Now I feel better! By the way...looking at your picture...you are a gorgeous young lady and do not forget that!
OH my mother has made her dislike for his behavior VERY known. He continues to do it though.0 -
robertw486 wrote: »witchgalraye wrote: »
Essentially, my father won't stop commenting on my body's weight gain over the past couple years. First off, it comes from a good place, I know that, but it's becoming ... mentally disheartening and overall hurtful.[/] I've actually gained weight almost to spite him at times which blows my mind. I'm only 19 years old, so maybe it's that rebellious teenager within me that also makes me feel weird losing weight because it's what he wants. I want to do it for me, but his comments are so frequent and hurtful in their wording that my head is so jumbled and confused by who I'm really losing weight for.
I want it to be for me. I want to feel good in my body, but do I think being thinner will make me feel good or am I just trying to shut up my father?
Whenever I try a new diet he always says it's the wrong one and tries to be my dietitian even though when I've done what he's wanted I've gained weight (despite his methods making him lose weight). I fear getting excited about this eating plan I'm currently on because I know hell guilt me out of doing it because it's not his way. I don't do unhealthy diets. I do research before I try something new. I've even seen a dietitian and he's told me what she requested I do was wrong.
Yes, we've had multiple interventions. He won't change. So I'm left to having a mental battle with myself and was wondering if anyone had any tips for easing this. I'll be happy when I can move out, that's all I can say right now.
I'm going to be the one that goes against the grain a bit here. But let me also say that I happen to be a father with a 19 year old daughter that I love and care about very much.
Gather your thoughts, think it through, and pick a time when he has not recently said anything hurtful about your diet. And then calmly and firmly explain to him how you feel about his comments, especially the bolded. If he is anything other than a miserable control freak, it's probably going to sting a bit. I honestly think most parents want to be good parents, it's just that the kids often won't be assertive at the appropriate time to help them with their mistakes. And make sure he knows you aren't going to try anything that might be dangerous or have long term health consequences, but that YOU have to figure it out YOURSELF and do it for YOU, since that is how most adults deal with their life issues.
Sometimes the most well intended things get screwed up, and parents try whatever pressure they think might work. But I can tell you I'd be absolutely devastated if my daughter ever told me that I was doing something that caused her mental stress on the level you are speaking of.
You're a young adult, and often "adulting" is a two way street. There is nothing wrong with being firm with your father if he is being hurtful. Foster the type of relationship you want to have with him.
If he is in fact just a miserable control freak, continue on with the ideas of distancing him from that type of information while you work on the long term plans of moving out.
I was really hoping someone like you would comment on this post! I like hearing both sides! I may attempt this as my one last try.0 -
Parents suck sometimes and dont realize sarcasm can damage us. I learned that ill never make my dad happy or my mom. I thought leaving and being in the military would make them proud but they never said *kitten*. I thought graduating from college and being the first to do so would make them proud but nothing i do will make them happy. So now i do it for my own happiness and success because in the end its their loss. Their own insecurities will eat them at the end of the day. So climb to the top of that mountain one day at a time. You got this.12
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1. Eating healthy and exercising is never a bad thing.
2. Parents push their kids even though they may not always use the perfect method or words.
3. Your Dads love is not contingent on how you look or what you weigh. Try not to equate the two.
4. You dont need to detail all of your weight loss plans with your parents.
5. Whether or not you are losing weight for you or your dad or your future children or an alien on mars doesnt really matter...just that you have started, youre researching, and your looking towards a healthy goal.
6. You got this.1 -
Great advice to just keep it all to yourself, share nothing and move on. Best of luck to you!!!!1
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Ask him to stop, tell him you will not respond if he brings it up again and you will walk away. Then if he brings it up again, ignore him, walk away. The best way to stop a behavior is to ignore it. Good luck!!! I completely understand.2
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jeannemarie333 wrote: »Ask him to stop, tell him you will not respond if he brings it up again and you will walk away. Then if he brings it up again, ignore him, walk away. The best way to stop a behavior is to ignore it. Good luck!!! I completely understand.
Zombie thread...1 -
Well, he's your dad, he gets the pass to say whatever, especially if he's still supporting you. Most elders mean no harm with how they deliver tough words of motivation. They know no other way and I'm sure he only wants what's best for you. It seems like it's taking a toll on your life. I wonder why you haven't uploaded a pic. Most of the users here on MFP are pretty nice and inspirational. Maybe you should upload a pic and start feeling better about a lot of things. IDK, just my 2 cents5
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