Self Esteem & Confidence?
lizalmp1234
Posts: 311 Member
Just curious, I know we are all doing this for better health but is anyone here also trying to lose weight so you can attract the opposite sex and possibly feel better about yourself as well. I’ve reached 30 😫 and I feel like nobody is hitting on me anymore Lol. Sorry for TMI
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Replies
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If getting hit on is the only way you can feel good about your self I would suggest getting sone therapy.25
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TavistockToad wrote: »If getting hit on is the only way you can feel good about your self I would suggest getting sone therapy.
No i didn’t mean it like that and no that is not the only thing that makes me feel good. It was a general question if anyone else is doing it for the benefit of self esteem and confidence but thank you anyway for your Kind response
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I'm not really worried about attracting others these days but sure I'm interested in feeling better about myself. I hit the recommended weight range a while ago. I'm still trying to lose but it's vanity weight now really. I think I'll look better if I lose another five kilos so that's what I'm aiming for.2
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counting_kilojoules wrote: »I'm not really worried about attracting others these days but sure I'm interested in feeling better about myself. I hit the recommended weight range a while ago. I'm still trying to lose but it's vanity weight now really. I think I'll look better if I lose another five kilos so that's what I'm aiming for.
Thank you, and yes, this is what I meant. For feeling better about ourselves and a bit of confidence/self esteem. Congrats on reaching your weight range.
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People aren't attracted to people's size.
Confidence is much more attractive.17 -
My self-esteem and confidence doesn't depend on what the scale says, but I feel better about myself (as well as feeling better physically) when I can do things like squat down to pick up something and stand back up without needing to hold on to something, and those kinds of things do correlate somewhat with weight, at least for me.8
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Not so much to attract the opposite sex... But more so to help me be more comfortable in my own skin and hopefully reduce any anxiety I have about being intimate with someone.
Because in my current state there is no way I'm going to put myself out there like that.
It's obviously not my sole purpose for wanting to lose weight, but it's a contributing factor.12 -
For me, losing weight did not give me confidence or self-esteem.6
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TavistockToad wrote: »If getting hit on is the only way you can feel good about your self I would suggest getting sone therapy.
Oh c'mon Toad, cheer up a bit. Why are you always the first to strike any new post which is not "up to your standards"? Leave people be and may I suggest some therapy as well. Or just get a hobby (another one).
OP, I think being attractive to the opposite sex has more to do with your self esteem and confidence than your fitness. But since fitness can improve your confidence then it may indirectly affect your attractiveness I think.34 -
Losing weight hasn't gotten me more attention from men, but different types of men give me attention now. I get hit on more by both older and younger men. I also get hit on more by creepers. The average Joe doesn't talk to me as much now. That's just my experience though.2
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Making the assumption that you are a heterosexual lady: the man that wouldn't hit on you now but would hit on you 20lb lighter is giving you a huge hint he's a garbage person. That would also go for other genders sexualities I suppose.
Do it because it makes you feel good. If it doesn't make you feel good then don't do it. I'm 30 soon myself and have never in my life cared less what men found attractive about me, it's a beautiful time.17 -
Making the assumption that you are a heterosexual lady: the man that wouldn't hit on you now but would hit on you 20lb lighter is giving you a huge hint he's a garbage person. That would also go for other genders sexualities I suppose.
Do it because it makes you feel good. If it doesn't make you feel good then don't do it. I'm 30 soon myself and have never in my life cared less what men found attractive about me, it's a beautiful time.
Hm, why if someone likes slimmer people should be a garbage person? I'm personally put off by overweight and obese men. And I don't feel like I'm a garbage person. Am I?
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Losing weight did help me feel better about myself in the sense that I was able to buy cuter clothes that actually fit (I went from size 18/20 US to size 8/10 US), but it didn't fix my self esteem issues. I think that's a pretty common misconception. I'm over 30, too, and while guys aren't lining up around the block just for the chance to speak to me or anything, the interest from them is still there. Do you walk around looking at your phone a lot? I'm asking because maybe they ARE looking but you have been distracted and haven't noticed.2
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Hm, why if someone likes slimmer people should be a garbage person? I'm personally put off by overweight and obese men. And I don't feel like I'm a garbage person. Am I?
We're not talking obese. But anyway, I would be looking at what preconceptions I had about what I thought "slimmer" people had that went away as soon as they gain some body fat.
It's more that the mindset "if only I lost 20lb he would like me/ I would he happier/ I would be confident" etc etc etc is toxic af and stops people living their real lives. If you discard people who judge you for your bodyfat % first and everything else second you'll be a happier person imo.12 -
You know, you might be the town's hottest body, but if you hunch under the pressure of lack of self-worth, that isn't too attractive either. Regardless of weight. Chin up and don't keel over trying to please others before doing right by yourself first. It means a lot more than a catcall on the street.10
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You know, I get it. However so many games that could unfold just to catch someone’s eye, be careful if you’re working on self esteem. You may feel good for a bit, it will mess with your mind if you do this just to catch more attention.0
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Yup... i lost weight to bike faster up hill climbs and it's wonderful to race up hills fast, but i'd be a lying if i said i didn't change myself in hopes of getting hit on as well. There was and still is a small part of me that wants that attention for i was never the popular guy. In my early 30's now just like yourself and fitter than most people yet still no girls hitting on me. Also still getting rejected by the women i pursue. At this point i think im willing to accept ill be alone forever. On the bright side i can buy $15,000 bicycles without having to pay for dates or kids needs. There are ups and downs to being in a relationship as there are not being in one. Juat gotta accepted what life throws at you and make the best of it and be optimistic.3
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lizalmp1234 wrote: »Just curious, I know we are all doing this for better health but is anyone here also trying to lose weight so you can attract the opposite sex and possibly feel better about yourself as well. I’ve reached 30 😫 and I feel like nobody is hitting on me anymore Lol. Sorry for TMI
I got fitter for mostly my health, but also a little bit to look better for my husband lol! I also got him into running with me too, which is so much fun 😊. It’s great seeing him feel better and getting outside again to do things together! As far as confidence goes I’m more confident now that I’m exercising regularly because I feel like it has made my mind a little sharper, the running seems to wake me up and helps me think clearer. You’ll find the right person, just focus on being you and becoming a healthier individual !2 -
OP, do you want inappropriate DMs? Because this is the way you get inappropriate DMs...15
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To the OP: I have several times had in mind the idea that improving my fitness would increase the chance of meeting someone for a lifelong relationship.
It didn’t work. Well, ok once it sort of worked, and I will explain.
I looked great , worked out all the time, and had a wide social circle of friends who were always looking to match me up with someone. One day , that someone showed up at a party.
Sparks flew and an 18-month whirlwind ensued, during which I would occasionally wonder about the difference in our ages and his recent divorce.
My look back on the affair , later on, provided distance to see that I was so caught up in the positive attention (which I attributed to my state of fitness) that I ignored the realities of a “rebound relationship” for a guy who had been dumped by the woman he thought was the forever one.
I gained 60 pounds over the next 10 years after he broke it off.
My lesson learned, and shared - do it for yourself first, second, third and fourth. No one can do it for you.
Think about the people we are most attracted to - how much of that attraction is due to them being comfortable in their own “skin” .
Good luck to us all!6 -
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Having more self esteem was big for me and I do feel better about that. I'm married so being hit on would only make me uncomfortable but I understand what you are saying. We live in a very visual world and I think alot of folks do judge by size and denying it doesn't change it. I will also say however that losing weight didn't fix all my worries about who I am. It did help a bit though. I was definately obese so I never felt like I measured up so being "normal" helps in that area. There is still a world of things I would still like to improve about who I am though. Losing weight doesn't fix everything but it was a step in the right direction for me.7
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I do this cos im fat.
I will always be ugly but j wont always be fat8 -
Hm, why if someone likes slimmer people should be a garbage person? I'm personally put off by overweight and obese men. And I don't feel like I'm a garbage person. Am I?
We're not talking obese. But anyway, I would be looking at what preconceptions I had about what I thought "slimmer" people had that went away as soon as they gain some body fat.
It's more that the mindset "if only I lost 20lb he would like me/ I would he happier/ I would be confident" etc etc etc is toxic af and stops people living their real lives. If you discard people who judge you for your bodyfat % first and everything else second you'll be a happier person imo.
You're not, but we have no idea about OP. Where is the fact that it's just 20lbs between here and there coming from?3 -
I'm married, so I don't care if I get hit on or not. I've been married for several years too, so I don't have much advice or insight on being 30 and single.
I also don't necessarily think that changing what you don't like about weight/size/shape makes everybody feel better about themselves as they think it's going to. How much it does help is going to be really individualized and probably depends a lot on what issues you had to start with. Self esteem issues should be something you work on anyway regardless if you do or do not want to lose weight.
That said, I do feel like it is perfectly fine to want to lose weight with looking better being you main or even only focus. As long as you are going about it in a safe way/a moderate deficit and aren't developing an unhealthy mindset about food/eating, I don't see what is so bad about wanting to lose weight with looking better as your goal. The "being healthier" that is typically considered the more "noble" goal will most likely happen too as you are working toward looking better.
Good luck!2 -
I've been married for 33 years and I am 57 years old. Since I have lost weight I get more positive comments from coworkers like, "that shirt looks nice" or something of that nature. What I have realized is that I pretty much dress the same as I always have professionally but my clothes fit better and in general I look better. People notice and it's nice when they comment.
That said, it's not why the main reason I lost the weight. We all like to look better. We all like to be noticed in a positive way. Nothing wrong with that.12 -
MelanieCN77 wrote: »
You're not, but we have no idea about OP. Where is the fact that it's just 20lbs between here and there coming from?
That's the number I chose in my original post, which was the one responded to. If it's just losing weight for a self esteem boost that's kinda the definition of vanity weight, so 20lb seemed appropriate.
I suppose choosing not to date/ pursue a person who's additional weight has possible health complications attached to it is a slightly different issue.3 -
I think your primary focus should just be on loving yourself. If you can do that, then confidence is a happy side effect. On days where I've had an awesome workout and am feeling lighter, I find myself dragging my fiancé to the bedroom when he gets home because I feel good (sorry if tmi, I'm an oversharer) . He likes my body all the time, but it's my self perception that gives me the confidence, not his approval.6
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Okay, I'm single (currently dating, but was very single for over 2 years before that, and my longest relationship in the past 6 years was 1 year.
So I completely understand the wanting to feel "desired" if you will and feeling like how we look affects that.
I do think most other posters have pointed out a very important point, however, and that is simply that self confidence probably has more to do with that than a few pounds. For me, I do find that the extra weight I'm carrying, has a direct impact on how "attractive" I feel (or embarrassed) and I KNOW this translates to how I carry myself and feel about myself, which translates to not seeming or feeling as desired.
For example, the past few years at our annual awards banquet for my racing, I've had to worry about finding a pretty dress that I could actually wear and look nice in, that would cover up my big "love handles" and wouldn't show the crease in my back or bulge out with my belly when I sat down. Rather than getting to wear the dresses I really wanted to be able to wear, and knew I would feel beautiful wearing them, I instead had to wear a pretty "cover-up." This most definitely affected how I carried myself and acted.
So, while my perceived level of "being desired" wasn't directly related to my weight, it was, effectively, being affected by my weight - from my own perceptions of myself.
I've seen and known women who are actually quite a bit "heavier/thicker" than I am who I know come across as more "attractive" just because of their self confidence in their appearance. Regardless of all of my excuses (ie: their weight creates curves, mine creates a blob - or any other of my litany of excuses) the reality is they embrace who they are and it shows.6 -
Thank you everyone
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