At what point did people STOP being supportive?

13

Replies

  • Psychgrrl
    Psychgrrl Posts: 3,167 Member
    It seems like people comment to extremes.

    For example, many who've lost a significant amount of weight, hear a lot of the kinds of comments OP is hearing. Sometimes even if you don't have a ton to lose, but comment on wanting to lose those last 5 pounds. Plus, going from obese to healthy, you look like a different person. They aren't used to that person yet. Hopefully with time, they will adjust.

    On the other hand, I have experienced the opposite on more than one occasion where someone who was (maybe) thinner than me, commented on the fact that I could, obviously, stand to lose some weight.

    Don't get me wrong, I do have another 18-25 pounds to lose to be at my "ideal" weight (it's currently a range due to muscle mass possibly throwing that off a bit), but it's not a LOT of weight to lose. I'm well within a healthy BMI, and slowly, but steadily, losing. But these people will make me feel like the obese person at the buffet "are you sure you really want to eat that?" "don't you want to do something on your day off besides laze around?" "shouldn't you skip the [insert food/condiment here]?"

    You get the idea.

    I think it boils down to people comment when they feel justified. Because I have mentioned or talked about the gym or my diet to someone, they feel entitled to pass judgement on my actions, regardless of if I asked for their feedback or not!

    Are the people who told you those things sure they want to be that rude? Do they want to do something with their time other than snark at other people's choices? Shouldn't they skip speaking, since they have no manners? Geez! Sorry.
  • jmf286
    jmf286 Posts: 32 Member
    edited November 2018
    Hi,
    Congratulations on all your hard work. I have had some similarish issues when I still had 7 kgs to go to hit the top of my healthy weight range. I spent a fair bit of time thinking about it and why people even feel it is necessary to pass comment on your body. What I also hate is when you lose weight people proceed to tell you how *kitten* you looked before you lost it, geez thanks, that was still me, not some other person you are talking about. Anyway here is what I came up with:

    • People in countries with an obesity problem have forgotten what 'normal' is, now that being overweight or obese is the new normal, it is what you see everywhere.
    • People have a fixed mental image in their head about you based on your physical appearance and role in a family or friend group. eg I am the fat sister. When they see you now, your actual a
    • Since the internet I am convinced that people now think that quite a lot of people in real life actually want to hear every "opinion", thought etc that enters their head.
    • For some reason people generally feel more freaked out by what they think is an unhealthy low weight than being genuinely concerned about people at an unhealthy high weight.
    • Some people are just thoughtless and rude.
    • Some people are irrationally threatened by your new behaviour/lifestyle

    Some people just need to be told to not enunciate every idea/thought/concern that pops into their head.

    So I I think it can be summarised as a perception issue that then gets combined with a failure to engage brain before opening mouth issue.

    I will concede that a tiny number of people might have a genuine concern but need to have a good think about their motivation and how they are gong to phrase what they want to say before saying it.

    Not sure how to deal with it. I keep saying I am going to ask the next person who comments on my body why they feel that it is any of their business or why they think I am interested in what they think about my body but it usually happens in a way that shocks/stuns me at the time and then the moment is gone to say something.
  • CarvedTones
    CarvedTones Posts: 2,340 Member
    edited November 2018
    This is why I put all my weight loss related posts on here and not facebook!

    I only rarely mention it at a major milestone or in a stealth gloat like a picture of a paddling outing where you can see I am rocking this new size. Some fully dressed profile shots with no flexed muscles showing elicit the "too skinny" and "gaunt" comments. I have started replying that my BMI is around 24, which is toward the top end of healthy and note that a lot of people have forgotten what healthy looks like. If they take that personally, so be it.

    @PartyKardy - you look very healthy to me. Great job! To answer the thread title question, for me it was when I bought the new smaller clothes. I stretched the life of the mid sized stuff, wearing it when it was baggy to avoid getting another set of clothes that would soon be too big. This was last winter and early spring, so a lot of long pants/shirts and jackets/sweatshirts/sweaters. Then almost overnight I was in tight fitting clothes (that now are comfortably loose) and it starting warming up and I was in T shirts and shorts a lot. So it was a jarring change to a lot of people even though it had been steady.
  • Rocknut53
    Rocknut53 Posts: 1,795 Member
    I just want to add that in addition to looking absolutely fantastic, you look very confident. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
  • RachelElser
    RachelElser Posts: 1,049 Member
    Psychgrrl wrote: »
    You short girls get it super easy in the clothes department too...you can wear short skirts around the office and no one even notices...even kids clothes look cute and professional on you...sometimes you can find those awesome velcro dress shoes in your size, I know they are for kids, but it's so much more convenient than real buckles...just about everything in my size was clearly made for someone 6-9 inches shorter than me...even in patterns I have to add length to everything, hems, bodice, all of it needs to be taller, it's a good think I can sew...I'm totally jealous short girls...except when I'm getting that box of cereal off the top of the cabinets without need a chair or a stool...then I'm not feeling the jealousy!!!

    :wink:

    As someone (mostly) 5'3, I've never opened the cabinets above my fridge because of the ladder involved and now too scared to see what might be in there after all this time ...

    I have a few cupboards like that too- just inconveniently placed!
  • Twiley510
    Twiley510 Posts: 377 Member
    You look great! As long as you feel strong and your doctor says you are healthy, ignore everyone.

    This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Two years ago, I got to 162 lbs (5'2", so still fifty lbs overweight.) Several family members started saying, "You look awful. You are too thin. You need to stop." I let them in my head and ballooned back to 222 in a year. Come to think of it, it happened last night with a new friend. She asked how much more I want to lose and when I answered 90 lbs, she said, "But you'll be nothing. You're so tiny and narrow in your waist."

    Started seeing a holistic practitioner who wholly supports me with the proper hormones, supplements, and nutrition. I have dropped 34 lbs since October 1st and don't plan to stop until I am "on the chart" weight-wise.

    From this point forward, my answer to "You are too thin." is "Thank you for your concern, but my doctor says I'm fine."
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,993 Member
    PartyKardy wrote: »
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    Just wondering if any of you have had the same experience? Once you stop being the fat friend or chubby relative people don’t want to accept it.

    I just don't talk about my weight with anyone, or post it on social media. If someone comments I just say I'm working on it.
    The only really positive feedback I've gotten is from a bartender at my local restaurant where i pick up food a lot. She just had a baby and wanted to know how I got the weight off. :)

  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,993 Member
    It seems like people comment to extremes.



    On the other hand, I have experienced the opposite on more than one occasion where someone who was (maybe) thinner than me, commented on the fact that I could, obviously, stand to lose some weight.

    Don't get me wrong, I do have another 18-25 pounds to lose to be at my "ideal" weight (it's currently a range due to muscle mass possibly throwing that off a bit), but it's not a LOT of weight to lose. I'm well within a healthy BMI, and slowly, but steadily, losing. But these people will make me feel like the obese person at the buffet "are you sure you really want to eat that?" "don't you want to do something on your day off besides laze around?" "shouldn't you skip the [insert food/condiment here]?"

    And then if you lose the weight those same people will be telling you you're getting too thin. There's no way to win.
    You have to just do what's best for you.

  • PartyKardy
    PartyKardy Posts: 173 Member
    I’ve lost 60. 30 to go. My husband gets angry when people mention my weight loss. It actually pisses him off. He has never been supportive or said anything kind about it. When I said I needed a new winter jacket as the one I purchased last year was 60 pounds ago, he told me, straight faced, it fit fine. Some people don’t say anything to me. Some are really nice. But even some of my friends are ignoring the weight loss. It’s really strange.

    No offense but what an *kitten*!
    I cannot understand how people don’t support those they love prolonging their life through a healthy lifestyle like why?

    My boyfriend is on board for anything I do pretty much. I remember when I first started heavy lifting my mom made a comment like “oh don’t try to get big muscles because no man wants to have a woman who feels hard” and my boyfriend said “I’m not an insecure b****.” And she didn’t know what to say to that haha.

    I hope your husband can get over whatever hang up he has about your journey and realizes it’ll make your lives together longer and happier!
  • Mendykiins
    Mendykiins Posts: 12 Member
    You look fantastic! Love your make up. I never invite talk about my weight, but I get comments anyway. I ignore them.
    I did recently make a comment on FB the other day, explaining that even though I'm not skinny, my bones have always protruded abnormally (The comment was due to me getting a massage, and the massage therapist saying I needed to be adjusted by the chiropractor because my ribs were sticking out)
    I thought it was a funny story... apparently all anyone could comment/focus on was how I said I wasn't really skinny, and yes, I got those frustrating comments about being "too small".
  • missmince
    missmince Posts: 76 Member
    I think you look great, too. I suppose some people could be thinking "size 0, that's too skinny", and assuming the camera had added 10 pounds to what you actually look like. And if they're my age (47) or older, they might be thinking of the old size 0, much smaller than now. I wore size 2 or 4 about 30 years ago, when I was 100 lbs, 5'4, and with low enough body fat that I'd stopped menstruating. Now, at a not really fit 121 lbs, I'm still wearing size 4 a lot of the time. So size 0 used to be super skinny, and just reading the post might make older people genuinely concerned about your health, assuming they thought your photos were as accurate as the ones most people post. Or that you'd feel bad if you rebounded. That's being charitable, since they can't all be concerned grandparent-types. But I think you're fortunate in not having people calling you fat. My family thinks women should be really thin, and only complimented me at the 95-100 lb range. It's less painful to have people say you're too thin than too fat, especially when you look as happy about your changing body as you do in your pictures. If you want positive remarks, post pictures of your pets.

    Congrats on your fitness! You look great.
  • PartyKardy
    PartyKardy Posts: 173 Member
    missmince wrote: »
    I think you look great, too. I suppose some people could be thinking "size 0, that's too skinny", and assuming the camera had added 10 pounds to what you actually look like. And if they're my age (47) or older, they might be thinking of the old size 0, much smaller than now. I wore size 2 or 4 about 30 years ago, when I was 100 lbs, 5'4, and with low enough body fat that I'd stopped menstruating. Now, at a not really fit 121 lbs, I'm still wearing size 4 a lot of the time. So size 0 used to be super skinny, and just reading the post might make older people genuinely concerned about your health, assuming they thought your photos were as accurate as the ones most people post. Or that you'd feel bad if you rebounded. That's being charitable, since they can't all be concerned grandparent-types. But I think you're fortunate in not having people calling you fat. My family thinks women should be really thin, and only complimented me at the 95-100 lb range. It's less painful to have people say you're too thin than too fat, especially when you look as happy about your changing body as you do in your pictures. If you want positive remarks, post pictures of your pets.

    Congrats on your fitness! You look great.


    As someone who was obese trust me when I say I’ve been called “too fat” my entire life. With “too fat” being the kindest words.

    I suppose I can’t say what the difference between modern size zero and size zero in the older days I’m sure it’s very different!

    I’m not sure I’d say it’s less painful or more painful either way. I think when you know your fat and someone calls you fat it hurts but you sort of feel like you know.
    There’s something particularly hurtful when you’re finally healthy and then suddenly everyone switches and starts asking if you have an eating disorder. Like no one has faith you can be healthy.

    It’s a weird phenomenon but very interesting to me to hear about others experiences!
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,427 Member
    I haven't talked about my weight or weight management efforts for years with people outside of my household so there was no support/criticism/advice. When I lost 25 lbs no one said a word about the change. I guess I am not that different at 179 lbs to 154 lbs. I suppose if I lost more the difference might be dramatic enough to start getting comments.
    I did share that I planned meals with a few people and they acted like it was weird. Knowing what you are going to eat in advance is apparently weird. Eating 3 meals a day was weird. I sometimes forget that things that are normal for me are not for everyone I know. Glad I did not bring up logging and using a food scale if they think meal planning is too much!