Hope I didn't make a mistake
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i have family member i'm not a fan of but for christmas or other special events, i can put it all aside.
sometimes you have to fake it till you make it anyways.
the op isn't asking a lot.4 -
I don't see any fault in writing that letter OP. Sometimes, you just have to do what you feel is right in your heart and let the chips fall where they may. You've done your part trying to bring harmony to the family... the rest is up to them.4
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tinkerhellraiser wrote: »RomaineCalm wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
Why didn’t Mom talk to them? Why doesn’t she have a voice? Why do you have to try to guilt trip your kids?? Seems VERY passive aggressive. So you want your kids to fake it? Pretend? What’s the point in that? They aren’t going to stick around later if they don’t want to. It’s meaningless and fooling to your wife. They should do it out of the love in their hearts, it should be genuine. If they won’t, then forget them. You’re her husband, you be her company. My father in law does this stuff too, he texts my husband saying he needs to go buy his mom cards and take her to dinner and stuff. It really makes my husband feel pressured and not want to ever do anything for them.
I don't think it's passive aggressive. I think he just wants his girls to put aside differences and come visit their mom for the holidays. Not saying they have to fake closeness or take selfies together.
Family dynamics are hard sometimes, and everyone's are different.
Uh YEAH he did. Quote from the OP “
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.”
It might be a good idea to get mom involved and have the entire family together to discuss. Instead of playing this “don’t tell mom I said this” stuff. Honesty is so important.
I am genuinely not trying to be rude when I say this, but it sounds like based on the experiences you have had with your husband you are jaded a bit on this issue. Maybe that makes your comment even more valid than those of us who haven't been in this type of situation, but he isn't telling the girls to buy her a lavish gift for Christmas. He is asking them to put their differences aside for the holiday and I think that is a very reasonable request.
kinda depends though, we don’t what theyre fighting about
like if it’s petty bs, i totally agree with you, but my bff and her brother are on the outs and their mom is desperate to have them “work it out” but he is a drunk who gets violent and has said horrible things to her without remorse. i dont believe anyone should subject themselves to abuse for the sake of making it seem “okay” and taking a few facebook pics kwim?
Agree.
That's why I said family dynamics are hard and everyone's are different. We don't know the whole situation, but I think it if was something that dramatic it would be addressed. But again, that's another assumption.
Bottom line, I feel his heart is in the right place. And we don't all have to agree on that. I think where your opinion falls will largely stem from your own experience with people in your life and like @lstrat115 said, some might be jaded in that area.1 -
i tell you families are hard, we just do best we can. My two adult kids are very close, boy and girl, they are crazy about each other but here is the problem. They have very little to do with me their Mom and my hubby, their stepfather. They live very high and like to be with status people and I guess we aren't good enough. They also drink a lot and we don't.3
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TheRoadDog wrote: »"I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about."
Writing a letter like this cannot be easy and I know from reading your posts and comments for years where you were coming from when you wrote this. But the above section in bold came across as a bit jarring when compared to the tone of the rest of the letter. Does that negate the whole letter? no. Am I being nit picky? Maybe, but from the first reading (I read it several times, it's very moving) that section just jumped out at me as...incongruous.
I hope that they breeze right over that and take the bulk of the letter to heart and are able to put their differences aside, if only for a day.2 -
RomaineCalm wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »My daughters are bickering. It is threatening to screw up Christmas. Which may be our last Christmas in this area, We are retiring and moving about 1200 miles away next year. It is hurting my wife and I can't make it right. I sent the following email out two days ago to all three girls. Did I mess up?
"Your Mom spent the weekend decorating the house, wrapping presents and setting aside decorations that she won’t be taking when we move with the hopes that you guys might want them. I think Christmas is her favorite family gathering.
Though she doesn’t discuss it, I know it hurts her that you guys are at odds. I know that certain things happened this year and certain things were said that have put some walls up between you. You guys have different fathers and that might create alliances and/or division. I hope not. One thing for certain, though, is you all have the same Mother and she always put you guys first. She made sacrifices for all of you and has been and always will be there for all three of you.
You’re all young and your friendships and families are going to expand and contract over the next several years. You are going to have financial problems, relationship problems and work-related problems and your Mom will always be there for you. No matter what.
I further worry that over the next couple of decades, your Mom’s father, brothers and sisters are also going slowly disappear. Everything I do, I do for your Mom, because she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am older than her and won’t be able to be there with her for her entire life. By the time I am gone, it will only be you three and I want her to have your full support.
I have seen the way she is when you are all three with her. It’s those moments that make her the happiest.
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.
Please don’t mention to your Mom that I sent this. If I have angered you, please remember that your Mom knows nothing of this.
I don’t want a response and I don’t want any explanations as to how this all came about.
I love you."
Why didn’t Mom talk to them? Why doesn’t she have a voice? Why do you have to try to guilt trip your kids?? Seems VERY passive aggressive. So you want your kids to fake it? Pretend? What’s the point in that? They aren’t going to stick around later if they don’t want to. It’s meaningless and fooling to your wife. They should do it out of the love in their hearts, it should be genuine. If they won’t, then forget them. You’re her husband, you be her company. My father in law does this stuff too, he texts my husband saying he needs to go buy his mom cards and take her to dinner and stuff. It really makes my husband feel pressured and not want to ever do anything for them.
I don't think it's passive aggressive. I think he just wants his girls to put aside differences and come visit their mom for the holidays. Not saying they have to fake closeness or take selfies together.
Family dynamics are hard sometimes, and everyone's are different.
Uh YEAH he did. Quote from the OP “
I’m sorry to write this, but it’s been on my mind. I can’t fill the gap that is there when your Mom worries about you. Maybe you guys can’t reconcile. I hope that’s not the case, but you could at least fake it for your Mom.”
It might be a good idea to get mom involved and have the entire family together to discuss. Instead of playing this “don’t tell mom I said this” stuff. Honesty is so important.
I agree honesty is important.
And I want to point out that the Woo on your comment did not come from me.
I don't do that.1 -
I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.2
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justinewillcutyou wrote: »I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.
I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.4 -
There have been times in my life where I wished either one of my parents had written something like this to me and my brother. Yes, they might be mad at you for a while, but eventually (at least if it were me) the message would sink in. I think you did the right thing, though I would also say not to pursue it any further. You've had your say, it's up to them now.1
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I think you did a beautiful thing - my father never got involved with the squabbles between my sisters, and I think if he had, it might have brought healing a lot quicker. There is nothing wrong with pointing out to them that their mom is looking forward to a family holiday. I didn't take it that you were putting a guilt trip on them - hopefully at their age, your words will resonate with them and they will realize that at the end of the day, they are all family.0
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »justinewillcutyou wrote: »I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.
I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.
I agree with all of this. My hubby and his sister stopped speaking when he decided to stop taking her verbal abuse and racist attitude. His parents tried to get involved and make him feel guilty because she's "faaaammily" but all it did was create a bigger rift.1 -
Mixed on this...on one hand I get what you are trying to do but then I think let them deal with it with each other. *kitten* happens and sometimes it just blows over on its own and sometimes it doesn't.
I don't buy this blood is thicker than water crap that people say...that family is forever and you should do whatever you can to have family in your life even if it means putting up with *kitten*. Sorry but sometimes non family people can treat you better than your own family.2 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »justinewillcutyou wrote: »I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.
I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.
Here's how it started. My youngest, Holland and her boyfriend, Chris, went out with my middle daughter, Tara, and her boyfriend, Sean. Sean got drunk and smacked my Chris. Sean is kind of a bully. I have witnessed this myself. He is also twice the size of Chris. Holland diffused the situation and left with Chris before a fight erupted. Those are the only undisputed facts I know. However, no apology ever came forward, but Tara told holland that she wish they weren't sisters. My oldest, Nikki, is only involved because she and Tara are "full" sisters and Holland is a "half" sister. It's ugly.
Some good news, though, I think. They have all contacted my wife, individually, to tell her they would all be at Christmas. We shall see what happens.12 -
FeelinFooFoo wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »justinewillcutyou wrote: »I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.
I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.
Here's how it started. My youngest, Holland and her boyfriend, Chris, went out with my middle daughter, Tara, and her boyfriend, Sean. Sean got drunk and smacked my Chris. Sean is kind of a bully. I have witnessed this myself. He is also twice the size of Chris. Holland diffused the situation and left with Chris before a fight erupted. Those are the only undisputed facts I know. However, no apology ever came forward, but Tara told holland that she wish they weren't sisters. My oldest, Nikki, is only involved because she and Tara are "full" sisters and Holland is a "half" sister. It's ugly.
Some good news, though, I think. They have all contacted my wife, individually, to tell her they would all be at Christmas. We shall see what happens.
Looks like your contact with them has triggered something, at least. At the least, it has perhaps shifted their concentration onto their mum which might help to shift thoughts away from any negativity even if it's short lived. Any if they all share a common interest in making it a nice Christmas for their mother, it might just help to be common ground and bring them together. Hope it goes well!
That is my hope.0 -
I imagine that you are concerned about the daughter, if the boyfriend is a bully. Hopefully he is not intimidating her, as well. I have a sister that was involved in an abusive relationship. She would not admit it and got really upset if anyone in the family suggested that she should leave him or point out his behaviors to her. Once she was finally free of him, all of the abuse she had suffered came out.
It's a shame when sisters, half or otherwise, let someone else's behavior come between them. Because while blood might not be thicker than water - and friends can seem like family, it is only those with whom you shared a parent and the experience that you had growing up really know where you came from. I have a sister right now that is not speaking to me over some petty issue. At almost 64, I realize that I will not be here forever - not planning on going any time soon, but our mother died at 64. I would hate to think that I might die with my sister not speaking to me, over some petty issue.
I'm glad that they have decided to show up for their Mom at Christmas. Adults should be able to interact with each other at least on a social level, for one day.3 -
TheRoadDog wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »justinewillcutyou wrote: »I feel like you put so much thought in to your words and you can read the love there. I can only speak from my own experience which is that my sister and I can’t stand one another... it’s beyond that, even. We haven’t spoken in years with no intention to do so. We both know that it hurts our family but she’s done things that our parents have been able to forgive her for that I have not. I don’t know if that’s the case for your girls. If it is, asking them to put their own feelings aside for anyone else is unfair. However, if it’s something more minor (I hope it is) than I think your delivery was really nice and I hope they can see how their actions are affecting the people who love them.
I agree with alot of this. Its hard to say if you made a mistake or not without knowing their side of the equation. If it really is just bickering (to me indicates small transgressions and temporary anger vs real, deep issues) then I think your letter works, but I am surprised it was necessary at all. If it is deeper issues and the girls feel they have finally worked themselves out of a deeply toxic situation your letter pretty much dismisses it and asks them to throw all their hard work away. I am wondering how much it leans more towards the latter. Unless they are really just that shallow and petty, I don't know too many people who can't make the holidays with family work out simply because of some "bickering", and I say that having observed some serious dysfunction in different branches of my own family.
Here's how it started. My youngest, Holland and her boyfriend, Chris, went out with my middle daughter, Tara, and her boyfriend, Sean. Sean got drunk and smacked my Chris. Sean is kind of a bully. I have witnessed this myself. He is also twice the size of Chris. Holland diffused the situation and left with Chris before a fight erupted. Those are the only undisputed facts I know. However, no apology ever came forward, but Tara told holland that she wish they weren't sisters. My oldest, Nikki, is only involved because she and Tara are "full" sisters and Holland is a "half" sister. It's ugly.
Some good news, though, I think. They have all contacted my wife, individually, to tell her they would all be at Christmas. We shall see what happens.
Hope the "boyfriends" aren't coming.1 -
elsie6hickman wrote: »I imagine that you are concerned about the daughter, if the boyfriend is a bully. Hopefully he is not intimidating her, as well.
Exactly. I am very concerned. Tara has 2 daughters as well.3 -
Maybe don't serve any alcohol during the Christmas festivities.5
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Trying to find fault with your letter would only mean a person unable to see fault with themselves. It was heartfelt and selfless.....if they have a problem with it, its a them problem. Never a gaurantee that a nice gesture gets reciprocated or even noticed, but it doesnt change the intent. And no, that is definitely not a mistake.
Perfectly said!👍0 -
TheRoadDog wrote: »Nicksmom106 wrote: »I think you're an awesome hubby and dad...step is irrelevant if you love them all, and you doing so probably helped if anything.
I don't feel the "your fault" vibe with anything you said. I for one would put on my big girl...er... Things, and get to mom's house....for you both. But that's me and I'm no expert on anything so my question is ....do you think you did the right thing...you know these chicks best....I think you love your wife and daughters❤👍😎
Do I think I did the right thing? I intended to. I don't think I did any long-term damage. If they are mad at me, initially, I think time will overcome that.
It's not about me, though. It's not even about they're relationships with each other. They'll work it out or they won't. My only main concern is my wife. She loves them unconditionally and has made many sacrifices for them. I just want them to show their appreciation over the holidays.
I am frustrated that I can't do anything.
I'm so sorry you're frustrated my friend! ❤
You did something out of love and either they will listen, or they won't, but at least you know you tried and that my friend is much more than many would do in your shoes. I said it before and I'll say it again, you're awesome!👍😎0
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