Dealing with jealous family
merekins
Posts: 228 Member
Have lost 60lb over 2018. I still want lose another 40 so am obviously not skin and bones. A family member said something that really bothered me. Had mentioned that I was cold and she immediately snapped, in front of the rest of my family, that if I ate, I wouldn’t be cold. It wasn’t said kindly and it caught me off guard. There were only snarky comments as well. I know she has struggled her entire life with her weight and is morbidly obese. She has never been supportive about me losing weight and is constantly talking about how it is pointless to try, your body has a set point and obese people are that way because of their body composition not their choices or behavior. So...not going to get a pat on the back from her over the 60lbs but but BUT it still hurt. I know she is upset and probably feels judged for how much she has been eating at our house. I know she is insecure. I know the comment wasn’t accurate, I do eat and am not anorexic by any means. I know this is her issue but how do I not let it become mine? It’s not easy to commit to losing weight and it really hurts to have someone you love accuse you of harming yourself when you are doing your best to be healthy. I don’t see explaining how her comments are hurtful making difference. She is just too defensive and irrational on this issue. So how do I let go of her comments? Or otherwise deal with it?
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Replies
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Pray for her while continuing the journey you’ve chosen, being grateful for your accomplishments thus far.22
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I'm dealing with similar in certain social circles. You have 3 choices, none of which are that great.
Don't say anything because you know the real reason behind the comments is due to her insecurities, and just do you.
Try to explain things. How you do eat, but you eat for a certain goal etc...this never goes as well as one would hope.
Snap. Tear her worldview to shreds. This will go exactly how you expect, and will likely cause permanent damage to the relationship. Don't reccomend this option, but it is an option.
Im sorry you're dealing with unsupportive people. I've done just over 60 myself and I know it wasn't easy. A lot of us look for support or pats on the back sometimes, because it took effort - but the truth is, most people don't care.
It's your road and yours alone.
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ignore her.
i lost over 100 pounds.
i ignore the ones who dont contribute to my life.25 -
One of my rules of thumb for life in general is to focus on the things I can control or influence, and ignore or work around the things I can't. That was true for weight loss, and people's reactions to my eating/weight loss, too.
You can't control her comments, and probably can't influence them. So, IMO, the crucial thing here is to find ways not to let them get you down, since our own emotional reactions are something we do control and influence.
Is there some kind of reframing that can help you, like thinking about how sad it is that your success is peeling away the plausibility of her excuses to herself, and making it obvious that her own choices are putting her where she is, not uncontrollable "set points" or body composition, or whatever? It can't be very happy to live inside her head: In fact, it seems like it must be a really painful place.
You're not only physically feeling better, but also gaining a sense of personal power, and honing goal-setting/accomplishment skills that you can harness in future to make other positive changes in other parts of your life. You're learning, growing and improving; she's just stuck.
I know that our family members really know how to push our buttons, so it isn't easy! If you can't talk with her about it, probably, the less reaction you show to something like that remark, the less likely it is to be repeated. If people are lashing out, they learn and aim for the tender spots, unfortunately.
Sympathies!24 -
Is there some kind of reframing that can help you, like thinking about how sad it is that your success is peeling away the plausibility of her excuses to herself, and making it obvious that her own choices are putting her where she is, not uncontrollable "set points" or body composition, or whatever? It can't be very happy to live inside her head: In fact, it seems like it must be a really painful place.
You're not only physically feeling better, but also gaining a sense of personal power, and honing goal-setting/accomplishment skills that you can harness in future to make other positive changes in other parts of your life. You're learning, growing and improving; she's just stuck.
I know that our family members really know how to push our buttons, so it isn't easy! If you can't talk with her about it, probably, the less reaction you show to something like that remark, the less likely it is to be repeated. If people are lashing out, they learn and aim for the tender spots, unfortunately.
Sympathies!
No, it isn’t a happy place which is what makes it so hard. She is miserable and as you say, stuck and I know I can’t change that. Am surprised how much her comments hurt knowing her like I do. Wish I could help bring her up and she wants to bring me down. That may be why it hurts so much. Will try to reframe situation to see her comments for the self-loathing they really are. That sounds so harsh to say though.15 -
Is there some kind of reframing that can help you, like thinking about how sad it is that your success is peeling away the plausibility of her excuses to herself, and making it obvious that her own choices are putting her where she is, not uncontrollable "set points" or body composition, or whatever? It can't be very happy to live inside her head: In fact, it seems like it must be a really painful place.
You're not only physically feeling better, but also gaining a sense of personal power, and honing goal-setting/accomplishment skills that you can harness in future to make other positive changes in other parts of your life. You're learning, growing and improving; she's just stuck.
I know that our family members really know how to push our buttons, so it isn't easy! If you can't talk with her about it, probably, the less reaction you show to something like that remark, the less likely it is to be repeated. If people are lashing out, they learn and aim for the tender spots, unfortunately.
Sympathies!
No, it isn’t a happy place which is what makes it so hard. She is miserable and as you say, stuck and I know I can’t change that. Am surprised how much her comments hurt knowing her like I do. Wish I could help bring her up and she wants to bring me down. That may be why it hurts so much. Will try to reframe situation to see her comments for the self-loathing they really are. That sounds so harsh to say though.
Do you think she explicitly and knowingly wants to bring you down? It sounded more like something coming from a place of resentment or envy, but very little self-insight about her own motivations. People who lash out don't necessarily intend or understand the hurts they can cause.
And as far as harshness: If you think self-loathing is really where it's coming from . . . well, sometimes reality is harsh. It's not as if you're going to tell her that, right?
Who knows, if you continue to succeed, she may eventually even come around a bit, maybe not soon, maybe not easily . . . but maybe. One can hope. High road, be a good example, all that kind of thing!
GIve her a tiny smile, maybe an arm-pat or hug if your family does that, and carrying on being your own successful, confident self. It's about all you can do. :flowerforyou:13 -
First, congratulations on your weight loss. That's awesome, you're doing great. I'm sorry you had a bad interaction with a family member.
I figure you have a few options here. The first is to ignore it and move on with your life, accepting that you are only responsible for what you can control, and you cannot control what other people think or say. That is often easier said than done.
The second option is to sit down with this person, discuss what happened, and talk about how you felt in that interaction. If this is someone you care about and want to continue to have a relationship with, talking about it seems like a good idea. You have no idea what prompted that reaction, and it may not have anything to do with you - you just may have been on the receiving end of emotions that have been building up over something else.
You acknowledge that you were hurt by her projecting a bunch of assumptions about you and implying that you are somehow unhealthy after your weight loss - that reaction by her is not uncommon by the way, as many people do not really know what a healthy weight actually looks like on a real person, so even people with more to lose can have people expressing concerns about their health after a large loss. But you also make a lot of statements about her and what she is feeling, that she's insecure, that she feels judged - by you? By other members of your family, perhaps? Maybe she's been getting an earful from others in the family about how great you are doing with weight loss?
Most of your descriptions of her statements and behavior are tied to her weight, not to her as a person. I have to wonder if that might be a common thing in her life that weight is all anyone seems to see about her. I don't think anyone who has been overweight would be surprised to hear that there are a lot of people out there who treat those who are overweight as though they have a moral failing. Not excusing her behavior, because what she said was rude. But just like you were hurt by what she said, I imagine she probably hurts over what people have said to/about her over the years, and the stuff she says might be her way of coping.
This sort of thing happens a lot with weight loss, and often other people's reactions get chalked up to jealousy and insecurity about their own bodies. I don't know that I necessarily agree with that. I think often times, people get defensive because they feel like they are losing a connection. When the person you would sit around and eat cookies with, or drink with, makes changes and stops participating in those activities as much, it can feel like a rejection of the person themselves, because that's what you did together. It's not always about the weight, it can be about feeling connected to someone.
If you think it's worth the relationship, I would suggest talking to her. If not, then you just have to be able to let it go. But actually let it go, and not keep mulling over it, or mentioning to other people so you can talk about it. That just eats away at you. I think writing things down somewhere and then stepping away can be helpful. You get the catharsis of getting it all out, and then when you come back to it after a break, it doesn't feel as bad. But if it does, that's a sign it's something you may need to tackle within yourself, because all the emotions aren't just coming from the interaction with that person, and fixing or avoiding the situation with them isn't going to fix the issue.10 -
You can't control what others think or do, you can only control your reaction. This is somthing my dad would pound into my head as a kid:).
So I guess there are a few things I'd think about first...Did you talk alot about weight loss, food etc? Sometimes overweight people can FEEL like we are directing that general talk towards them. The fact that she discussed set points etc means some conversation came up. She felt judged and it was probably her own guilt that allowed her to feel judged and nothing you said. Just your loss and your weighing your food or eating smaller portions may have sent her into defensive mode. There is probably nothing you can do to stop her from having these reactions, but you can work on not letting them hurt.
Also as a side point: it's true for me that when I eat in a calorie deficit I am colder, my husband is so confused I went from always hot and having hot flashes to freezing. So perhaps it's true for her too and she just made a true but snide comment thoughtlessly?
Anyway congrats on your loss and try to shake it off.3 -
Is there some kind of reframing that can help you, like thinking about how sad it is that your success is peeling away the plausibility of her excuses to herself, and making it obvious that her own choices are putting her where she is, not uncontrollable "set points" or body composition, or whatever? It can't be very happy to live inside her head: In fact, it seems like it must be a really painful place.
You're not only physically feeling better, but also gaining a sense of personal power, and honing goal-setting/accomplishment skills that you can harness in future to make other positive changes in other parts of your life. You're learning, growing and improving; she's just stuck.
I know that our family members really know how to push our buttons, so it isn't easy! If you can't talk with her about it, probably, the less reaction you show to something like that remark, the less likely it is to be repeated. If people are lashing out, they learn and aim for the tender spots, unfortunately.
Sympathies!
No, it isn’t a happy place which is what makes it so hard. She is miserable and as you say, stuck and I know I can’t change that. Am surprised how much her comments hurt knowing her like I do. Wish I could help bring her up and she wants to bring me down. That may be why it hurts so much. Will try to reframe situation to see her comments for the self-loathing they really are. That sounds so harsh to say though.
Do you think she explicitly and knowingly wants to bring you down?
Hmm. That’s a good point. Maybe she isn’t trying to bring me down and it just feels that way. That’s a better way of looking at it for sure.12 -
I have made a point to not use the scale while she is here because I don’t want to get the comments. Will be told I am being compulsive and developing unhealthy relationship woth food. We have talked about losing weight in past but have learned it’s not a good conversation to have. Definitely avoid talking about it but has been impossible to avoid from family members that we haven’t seen in awhile. I don’t know how to respond yet to the “compliments” from people I know. Say thank you and try to down play it because it makes me uncomfortable. I imagine it makes other people around uncomfortable too.leanjogreen18 wrote: »So I guess there are a few things I'd think about first...Did you talk alot about weight loss, food etc? Sometimes overweight people can FEEL like we are directing that general talk towards them. The fact that she discussed set points etc means some conversation came up. She felt judged and it was probably her own guilt that allowed her to feel judged and nothing you said. Just your loss and your weighing your food or eating smaller portions may have sent her into defensive mode. There is probably nothing you can do to stop her from having these reactions, but you can work on not letting them hurt.
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Maybe she's been getting an earful from others in the family about how great you are doing with weight loss?
Most of your descriptions of her statements and behavior are tied to her weight, not to her as a person. I have to wonder if that might be a common thing in her life that weight is all anyone seems to see.
It's not always about the weight, it can be about feeling connected to someone.
That is very possible. Ugh. In my head, I just needed to lose the weight but it’s so much more than the actual weight. Is like all your emotions and relationships are connected and impacted.6 -
Same thing. I've lost 50 lbs and have about another 30ish lbs to go. All I heard all weekend was people telling me to eat more, that I've lost enough, and people making fun of me that I went to the gym each morning. I ignored them. One of my cousins did ask for my fitness pal information, and she is morbidly obese, so I will consider that my win for the weekend.20
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Stellamom2018 wrote: »Same thing. I've lost 50 lbs and have about another 30ish lbs to go. All I heard all weekend was people telling me to eat more, that I've lost enough, and people making fun of me that I went to the gym each morning. I ignored them. One of my cousins did ask for my fitness pal information, and she is morbidly obese, so I will consider that my win for the weekend.
The people that have really pushed to know what I have been doing haven’t been too impressed with my answer. Counting calories and staying in a deficit isn’t exciting or new. They like that they still see me eating bread, pasta, cookie, etc but the portions and fitting those into my calorie allowance is not particularly glamorous.6 -
I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, no matter how you respond to them it won't change their comments or how they feel about themselves. I have been heavier and comments are made, I've also been lighter and still comments were made. One was if I was colder because I was thinner. I didn't understand the comment till later. You are doing what is best for you and your health. Don't let other's misery diminish your accomplishments. I know it's easier said than done. You know your body and know what's healthy. Kudos to you and a job well done on sticking with it and meeting your goals!!2
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First of all, congratulations on your weight loss so far! Do not let someone's comments or opinions take away from all the hard work you have done. Be proud of what you have accomplished so far and keep up the good work.2
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Congratulations on your success!!!
One of the key changes I made early on was identifying negative people and removing them from my life as much as humanly possible. Unfortunately you cannot do this completely with family, but you can limit this greatly. I don't engage with them though - this is pointless as their goal is to bring you down so that they can be "right". They have convinced themselves that life is against them and they will do untold damage to prove this right rather than admit they have the power to positively change their lives for the better.
All one can do is make positive changes in their own lives and encourage others to do the same.7 -
Honestly you just have to...let it go. Believe me, I know that is hard but when people say illogical things you just need to tell yourself "that is illogical and my brainspace is a precious commodity so I am not going to keep that in my noggin." Then let the comment fall out of your ear onto the sidewalk where you can grind it in with your heel and walk away.6
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I have the same problem. My family now tells me I’m two skinny but I tell them I’m working on gaining muscle. Then they say I spend too much time at the gym (which I need to go to to get bigger). It’s a real catch 22 but I have decided to ignore them. I lift 5x per week (2 of which are usually bodypump) and don’t do any cardio. I eat fine (like a pig this Christmas) and still feel fine. Just ignore them. They’re jealous.4
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youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm dealing with similar in certain social circles. You have 3 choices, none of which are that great.
1. Don't say anything because you know the real reason behind the comments is due to her insecurities, and just do you.
2. Try to explain things. How you do eat, but you eat for a certain goal etc...this never goes as well as one would hope.
3. Snap. Tear her worldview to shreds. This will go exactly how you expect, and will likely cause permanent damage to the relationship. Don't reccomend this option, but it is an option.
Im sorry you're dealing with unsupportive people. I've done just over 60 myself and I know it wasn't easy. A lot of us look for support or pats on the back sometimes, because it took effort - but the truth is, most people don't care.
It's your road and yours alone.
I'd pick # 2, but then I'm a frustrated social worker
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kshama2001 wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm dealing with similar in certain social circles. You have 3 choices, none of which are that great.
1. Don't say anything because you know the real reason behind the comments is due to her insecurities, and just do you.
2. Try to explain things. How you do eat, but you eat for a certain goal etc...this never goes as well as one would hope.
3. Snap. Tear her worldview to shreds. This will go exactly how you expect, and will likely cause permanent damage to the relationship. Don't reccomend this option, but it is an option.
Im sorry you're dealing with unsupportive people. I've done just over 60 myself and I know it wasn't easy. A lot of us look for support or pats on the back sometimes, because it took effort - but the truth is, most people don't care.
It's your road and yours alone.
I'd pick # 2, but then I'm a frustrated social worker
I've tried all but #3. #1 works well enough but doesn't stop the comments. With #2 you'd usually be better off explaining things to the dog for as much as people actually care to grasp it.
#3. Will shut people up for sure, but it's going to cause lasting damage. If you tear someone's worldview apart with facts, research and harsh truth it removes all possibility for excuses and shifting blame and puts the fact that they are actually responsible for their health, body condition, fitness level, diet etc. Right on display in front of thier face. A lot of people don't want to accept that it is behavior and discipline, they want to blame genetics, society etc.7 -
My hope is that just posting about this to sympathetic people has already made you feel a little better. I'm sorry your family member feels worse because you look better. I have the same issue with my mom. All you can do is be the best you, and let her do her own thing.
I don't think there's a need to explain #2. She's a grown person and probably already knows she was rude. She may or may not feel justified, but you talking about it doesn't seem likely to help.3 -
kshama2001 wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm dealing with similar in certain social circles. You have 3 choices, none of which are that great.
1. Don't say anything because you know the real reason behind the comments is due to her insecurities, and just do you.
2. Try to explain things. How you do eat, but you eat for a certain goal etc...this never goes as well as one would hope.
3. Snap. Tear her worldview to shreds. This will go exactly how you expect, and will likely cause permanent damage to the relationship. Don't recommend this option, but it is an option.
Im sorry you're dealing with unsupportive people. I've done just over 60 myself and I know it wasn't easy. A lot of us look for support or pats on the back sometimes, because it took effort - but the truth is, most people don't care.
It's your road and yours alone.
I'd pick # 2, but then I'm a frustrated social worker
I would pick # 3 and, if I did, I wouldn't care a rat behind about the consequences. A person, family, friend, acquaintance, or whoever, who makes such a nasty, uncalled for, and offensive remarks or comments, don't deserve consideration. I agree with @youcantflexcardio “put it in front of their faces, “ because it is an effective way to” detox” your life from toxic people.
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I get it, its hard to ignore. I had a cousin, who has struggled with her weight her whole life, come up to me at Christmas dinner and scoff and say "You look like you've lost a lot of weight." to which I responded "I have." and she rolled her eyes and said "Well I'VE gained a lot." and I just shrugged and said "*kitten* happens." and walked away. I don't know where you have to be coming from mentally to think its ok to do that to someone. To think making those kinds of comments is ok. Is it productive? No. Is it kind? No. So why do it? Maybe they can't help it. Maybe it just slips out. Jealousy makes people do awful things, but all we can do is ignore it I suppose.2
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Why explain to her when she's already hurting? It pains her every time you refuse food. You're walking talking proof that she's wrong. Getting upset because she wanted you to is pointless10
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Have lost 60lb over 2018. I still want lose another 40 so am obviously not skin and bones. A family member said something that really bothered me. Had mentioned that I was cold and she immediately snapped, in front of the rest of my family, that if I ate, I wouldn’t be cold. It wasn’t said kindly and it caught me off guard. There were only snarky comments as well. I know she has struggled her entire life with her weight and is morbidly obese. She has never been supportive about me losing weight and is constantly talking about how it is pointless to try, your body has a set point and obese people are that way because of their body composition not their choices or behavior. So...not going to get a pat on the back from her over the 60lbs but but BUT it still hurt. I know she is upset and probably feels judged for how much she has been eating at our house. I know she is insecure. I know the comment wasn’t accurate, I do eat and am not anorexic by any means. I know this is her issue but how do I not let it become mine? It’s not easy to commit to losing weight and it really hurts to have someone you love accuse you of harming yourself when you are doing your best to be healthy. I don’t see explaining how her comments are hurtful making difference. She is just too defensive and irrational on this issue. So how do I let go of her comments? Or otherwise deal with it?
You may be entirely right that she was being a jerk when she said that.
However, I am considerably larger than my mom, who struggles to stay above Underweight, and she is always cold when I have the temperature where I want it. I have told her many times she wouldn't be cold if she "had more insulation". We know that I am being light hearted and self-deprecating when I say this.4 -
If someone already said this, ignore me but always remember, "misery loves company". I know it sucks to hear it but people want others to share the crap in their life. Some people have the mentality that, "if I'm not happy, no one should be". Good luck and continue to kick butt!3
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this is the sucky part of losing weight, you won’t always get the support you want from those around you. although you’re aware of why they are not supportive or encouraging, it still hurts. i have lost 30 pounds and still have another 25 or so to lose, and i am by no means underweight; it is still a work in progress. the person i’ve been dating told me i was “too skinny” and i was taking my healthy lifestyle “too seriously”. but, similar to you, they are insecure and therefore not happy for my successes. i tried to defend myself saying they resent me because of their own insecurities, but it ended up causing an argument. so now i ignore the rude remarks even though it kills me i do not have the support i want. this is YOUR journey, and this is for YOU. you learn to fight your battles alone and motivate yourself to have a better life for yourself.2
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