Would this upset you?
1) Let's say you make plans with person A to see a movie the next day. Person A sleeps in so doesn't text you until later, so you don't get to see the movie.
Then a couple days later, you're at a party with a couple friends, and you hear that person A is making plans with person B to see the same movie the next day... but never asked you if you wanted to go.
2) you make plans to go see a movie with some friends, have opportunities to go see it without them but don't do it, then find out that they went without you.
3) You're friends with family A, B, and C. B doesn't care much about C. C invites everyone to a New Year's party, nobody answers the text, you'd rather hang out with A, but don't want anyone to be left out, so you make plans with C and make an effort to include B (A was invited too). You find out before the party that the wife in A doesn't really feel like going out and being social.. but nobody else says anything. You spend hours cooking for all those people. Find out 2 hours after the start of the party that B is hanging out with A (they did end up going to C... 2.5 hours late).
Now, I have a bad history with friends (they all eventually left me), I have depression and anxiety, and sometimes my heart doesn't really follow what my heads says, but I got to ask... am I wrong to feel left out? I still can't get over the NYE party - I tried so hard to make sure that nobody got upset or left out, and I'm the one who ended up hurt in the end (I don't know if C really cared or not... they're not as close to everyone else as I am).
Thoughts? Experiences? My friendship story is pretty messy and I had pretty much given up altogether until I met A. And sometimes I just wonder if it wasn't just so much easier then.
Then a couple days later, you're at a party with a couple friends, and you hear that person A is making plans with person B to see the same movie the next day... but never asked you if you wanted to go.
2) you make plans to go see a movie with some friends, have opportunities to go see it without them but don't do it, then find out that they went without you.
3) You're friends with family A, B, and C. B doesn't care much about C. C invites everyone to a New Year's party, nobody answers the text, you'd rather hang out with A, but don't want anyone to be left out, so you make plans with C and make an effort to include B (A was invited too). You find out before the party that the wife in A doesn't really feel like going out and being social.. but nobody else says anything. You spend hours cooking for all those people. Find out 2 hours after the start of the party that B is hanging out with A (they did end up going to C... 2.5 hours late).
Now, I have a bad history with friends (they all eventually left me), I have depression and anxiety, and sometimes my heart doesn't really follow what my heads says, but I got to ask... am I wrong to feel left out? I still can't get over the NYE party - I tried so hard to make sure that nobody got upset or left out, and I'm the one who ended up hurt in the end (I don't know if C really cared or not... they're not as close to everyone else as I am).
Thoughts? Experiences? My friendship story is pretty messy and I had pretty much given up altogether until I met A. And sometimes I just wonder if it wasn't just so much easier then.
4
Replies
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Y'all just need to talk to each other. Confirm more, assume less.2
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george5911 wrote: »Y'all just need to talk to each other. Confirm more, assume less.
A is really bad about talking about things she doesn't feel like bothering with, including returning calls and texts.0 -
1) Let's say you make plans with person A to see a movie the next day. Person A sleeps in so doesn't text you until later, so you don't get to see the movie.
What did she say in the text ?
Then a couple days later, you're at a party with a couple friends, and you hear that person A is making plans with person B to see the same movie the next day... but never asked you if you wanted to go.
I would be pissed off .
2) you make plans to go see a movie with some friends, have opportunities to go see it without them but don't do it, then find out that they went without you.
Again I would be pissed off.
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george5911 wrote: »Y'all just need to talk to each other. Confirm more, assume less.
This applies to everything in life, in general.0 -
george5911 wrote: »Y'all just need to talk to each other. Confirm more, assume less.
A is really bad about talking about things she doesn't feel like bothering with, including returning calls and texts.
Translation, A is a big fat jerk to other people? Or just to you?
Either way, I wouldn't stay friends with someone who stood me up without even a text, unless there was one heck of a lot better excuse than sleeping late. It sounds like C got shafted on NY too, I would be pretty annoyed if I invited everyone to a party and someone I invited ignored me and planned another party. Y'all need to all start being more courteous and having higher expectations.0 -
leut_underpants wrote: »Tab A needs to meet Slot B.
Problem solved.
A proven problem solver over the history of mankind. Often leads to new problems, but at least you're moving it right?1 -
A's husband is a very dear friend also... that's why it's hard to deal with.0
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Number 2 would be a friendship ender.
The other stuff is not so bad if not part of a pattern.
"A" sounds like a *kitten* friend who I would stop making plans with.
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I've always been the person who has messy friendships, used to be that person. I later found out I was an awesome doormat, I let people take advantage of me and set my own self up to be hurt in the long run.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you're the doormat that everyone wants to be around when it best suits them. Don't put up with that *kitten*, you have to take care of you and your feelings. Tell them how you feel, if A doesn't like to talk, then she isn't a friend you want. I get loners and antisocial people, but that's all messy and it seems like you're their doormat.
I'm not a 2nd choice, either you want to hang out with me or you don't, but I'm not a 2nd choice. Neither are you and if your friends treat you like that, then you are the 2nd choice to them. You need to make new friends who will respect you as you deserve.0 -
TheFitHooker wrote: »I've always been the person who has messy friendships, used to be that person. I later found out I was an awesome doormat, I let people take advantage of me and set my own self up to be hurt in the long run.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you're the doormat that everyone wants to be around when it best suits them. Don't put up with that *kitten*, you have to take care of you and your feelings. Tell them how you feel, if A doesn't like to talk, then she isn't a friend you want. I get loners and antisocial people, but that's all messy and it seems like you're their doormat.
I'm not a 2nd choice, either you want to hang out with me or you don't, but I'm not a 2nd choice. Neither are you and if your friends treat you like that, then you are the 2nd choice to them. You need to make new friends who will respect you as you deserve.
Yeah I hear you. My main issue really is that, as I said above, A's husband is actually super reliable and always helping me out... but he still goes where his wife goes, typically.... and I don't really blame him for that obviously... I just don't want to lose his friendship over this. A is actually awesome at times too... but it just seems to be too often on her own terms.
Then there's B and, as much as I like her (in small quantities), I'm still very upset that she stayed at A for 2 hours instead of coming over.
I'm not a social person and didn't really look for friends, it just happened. I'm all 'all or nothing' person and I'm just so tired of being disappointed by friends (but I know, we have families, kids and their moods, and A and B often will make their decisions based on their kids' moods too).0 -
Look Debbie, ( you sound like one i know) your friend A is an inconsiderate jerk. And if C invited everyone to the party why are you cooking?0
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The husband/wife situation does complicate things. Can you make plans through A's husband? Or, if that doesn't work for you, can your husband make the plans with him? Either way, if his wife doesn't handle social engagements responsibly, she needs to be not the person you deal with.
Moods, schmoods, anyone can find time for a text. There's no excuse in the modern world for not letting someone know whether or not you plan to show up and when.0 -
I was once invited to go for a meal the following day with a friend for his birthday but the next day he rang to say he was unwell. The following evening I saw photos of him with other friends at the restaurant on facebook. When I asked him about it, he said he'd felt better. He didn't give me any reason why he hadn't let me know.
A previous time he picked me up in his car to take me to an event - disappeared without a word to take a friend home and left me almost stranded out of town. I rang him on his mobile and found he'd decided to go home to bed. Luckily a late bus came along which I was able to take into the town, and then from there I had to walk a couple of miles to my house.
I've even put this guy up for 4 weeks when he was homeless (and helped him find a new place to live), and during that time he drove me to get my computer sorted which saved me a couple of bus journeys. Two days later he'd moved into a new place but said he'd take me to collect my computer. I rang him about 3 in the afternoon. He said he was about 10 mins walk away from home and was walking back to get his car to come to pick me up. Nearly two hours later I rang again. He said traffic was busy so although he started to come over, he then drove back home again...I'm less than 10 mins drive away from him. Had he said he'd not wanted to take me I would have had enough time to go by bus, which I did the following day.
In the end, I have just had to accept that he is unreliable. If I go into the town I might message to ask if he wants to meet up, but I no longer waste my time making advance plans. I've known him for over 30 years - he's never going to change.
I'm not anyone's number one friend, and I have had to accept that - but that doesn't mean I have to put up with being treated badly by anyone.5 -
TheFitHooker wrote: »I've always been the person who has messy friendships, used to be that person. I later found out I was an awesome doormat, I let people take advantage of me and set my own self up to be hurt in the long run.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you're the doormat that everyone wants to be around when it best suits them. Don't put up with that *kitten*, you have to take care of you and your feelings. Tell them how you feel, if A doesn't like to talk, then she isn't a friend you want. I get loners and antisocial people, but that's all messy and it seems like you're their doormat.
I'm not a 2nd choice, either you want to hang out with me or you don't, but I'm not a 2nd choice. Neither are you and if your friends treat you like that, then you are the 2nd choice to them. You need to make new friends who will respect you as you deserve.
Yeah I hear you. My main issue really is that, as I said above, A's husband is actually super reliable and always helping me out... but he still goes where his wife goes, typically.... and I don't really blame him for that obviously... I just don't want to lose his friendship over this. A is actually awesome at times too... but it just seems to be too often on her own terms.
Then there's B and, as much as I like her (in small quantities), I'm still very upset that she stayed at A for 2 hours instead of coming over.
I'm not a social person and didn't really look for friends, it just happened. I'm all 'all or nothing' person and I'm just so tired of being disappointed by friends (but I know, we have families, kids and their moods, and A and B often will make their decisions based on their kids' moods too).
Were you friends with A’s husband before meeting her? I could be wrong, maybe she doesn’t like how her husband is constantly helping you (another woman). A and B, sound like they possibly share some of the same feelings, in whatever is shared amongst them without you around, hence why you’re not included.
I wouldn’t chase them for making plans. The only person who appears to like all of you, is C. Are you married? Can someone else help you as much as A’s husband?0 -
I won't deal with people that flaky.
I would go to the movie by myself and not make plans with these people again.3 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »I won't deal with people that flaky.
I would go to the movie by myself and not make plans with these people again.
It's what I've been doing. I'm not making plans at all anymore.Keep_on_cardio wrote: »TheFitHooker wrote: »I've always been the person who has messy friendships, used to be that person. I later found out I was an awesome doormat, I let people take advantage of me and set my own self up to be hurt in the long run.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you're the doormat that everyone wants to be around when it best suits them. Don't put up with that *kitten*, you have to take care of you and your feelings. Tell them how you feel, if A doesn't like to talk, then she isn't a friend you want. I get loners and antisocial people, but that's all messy and it seems like you're their doormat.
I'm not a 2nd choice, either you want to hang out with me or you don't, but I'm not a 2nd choice. Neither are you and if your friends treat you like that, then you are the 2nd choice to them. You need to make new friends who will respect you as you deserve.
Yeah I hear you. My main issue really is that, as I said above, A's husband is actually super reliable and always helping me out... but he still goes where his wife goes, typically.... and I don't really blame him for that obviously... I just don't want to lose his friendship over this. A is actually awesome at times too... but it just seems to be too often on her own terms.
Then there's B and, as much as I like her (in small quantities), I'm still very upset that she stayed at A for 2 hours instead of coming over.
I'm not a social person and didn't really look for friends, it just happened. I'm all 'all or nothing' person and I'm just so tired of being disappointed by friends (but I know, we have families, kids and their moods, and A and B often will make their decisions based on their kids' moods too).
Were you friends with A’s husband before meeting her? I could be wrong, maybe she doesn’t like how her husband is constantly helping you (another woman). A and B, sound like they possibly share some of the same feelings, in whatever is shared amongst them without you around, hence why you’re not included.
I wouldn’t chase them for making plans. The only person who appears to like all of you, is C. Are you married? Can someone else help you as much as A’s husband?
Yes I'm married. I did meet A's husband first but A's always said that she trusts us and isn't jealous (it's clear that they love each other, I don't think that's an issue at all). A and B have been friends longer than I've known them, but A does the same thing to B too. I mean, she used to have more friends, then wonder how they lost them...
I like C, she would definitely help too, but my kids (and one of my dogs) can't stand hers, so it's definitely been a problem. I didn't mention this either, but we met through our kids. My daughter is best friend with A and B's daughter, and my son is good friend with A's son too (should probably have mentioned this before, eh? Kids make everything so much more complicated). We actually went in vacations together too... We're really pretty close, which is why this has been getting really annoying.
And yes, my husband has made plans with A's husband before. He's always been complicated reliable as long as it doesn't include his wife.
Man, this was so much easier when I was in my teens, seriously. Hard for me because I would drop everything for my friend, and it hurts when you realize it doesn't go both ways (but again, A's husband has done a LOT for me, and has always been here for me when I really needed him - although obviously more for the practical stuff than the 'share your feelings' stuff).
What really stinks is that I haven't been doing well at all and I feel there's nobody I can call to talk about it.SurfyFoFurfy wrote: »Human relationships are complex..get a cat.
I have one. And three dogs. So much easier, man.0 -
1) Let's say you make plans with person A to see a movie the next day. Person A sleeps in so doesn't text you until later, so you don't get to see the movie.
Then a couple days later, you're at a party with a couple friends, and you hear that person A is making plans with person B to see the same movie the next day... but never asked you if you wanted to go.
2) you make plans to go see a movie with some friends, have opportunities to go see it without them but don't do it, then find out that they went without you.
3) You're friends with family A, B, and C. B doesn't care much about C. C invites everyone to a New Year's party, nobody answers the text, you'd rather hang out with A, but don't want anyone to be left out, so you make plans with C and make an effort to include B (A was invited too). You find out before the party that the wife in A doesn't really feel like going out and being social.. but nobody else says anything. You spend hours cooking for all those people. Find out 2 hours after the start of the party that B is hanging out with A (they did end up going to C... 2.5 hours late).
Now, I have a bad history with friends (they all eventually left me), I have depression and anxiety, and sometimes my heart doesn't really follow what my heads says, but I got to ask... am I wrong to feel left out? I still can't get over the NYE party - I tried so hard to make sure that nobody got upset or left out, and I'm the one who ended up hurt in the end (I don't know if C really cared or not... they're not as close to everyone else as I am).
Thoughts? Experiences? My friendship story is pretty messy and I had pretty much given up altogether until I met A. And sometimes I just wonder if it wasn't just so much easier then.
No, i would not be upset. You cannot account for other people actions. If you can look at yourself and honestly say you do everything with the best intentions, thats all you can do and control. Worry about things in your control the best you can. Thats all you can do. No matter what type of friend you have or want, you will never spend more time with anyone more than you will with yourself. Be good to yourself, it just may become contagious.6 -
Make plans with person D and don't look back.4
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TheRoadDog wrote: »Make plans with person D and don't look back.
I just need to find D LOL.1 -
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me
Live by those rules when deciding how much you want to continue in a relationship1 -
Seems like this is a married-with-children thing. A single wouldn't put up with this. But as a married person I think spending time with these types is a necessity to keep the peace with your kids and husband. Just view the relationship with these "dear friends" as perfunctory, not as personal.0
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TheRoadDog wrote: »Make plans with person D and don't look back.
I just need to find D LOL.
There's plenty of available D.1 -
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YES, YES AND YES, it would all upset me,. that is why I am my own best friend...make plans w myself and appreciate my own company.1
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DickVernon wrote: »What was the movie?
Bumblebee. We had planned to go with the kids too.
Thanks for all the replies... I just know that this isn't the ideal friendship. I do feel a bit like a hypocrite though... I like C, we're just really not that close, and honestly I don't think we could be (again, my kids don't like hers, I don't agree with some of her parenting choices, and we're very different). I like B too but she's VERY different from me and we will never agree on some fundamental issues - plus she can't stop talking about things I couldn't care less about and she often annoys me.
So that's the thing - people annoy me too. Most of the time I'd rather be alone and do my own thing than hanging out with people. The only person I can talk to for hours without being bored is A's husband. I just have to accept that people can still like me without wanting to spend a lot of time with me... it's life and totally normal.
I guess we had a 'honeymoon' period with those people for 2 years and now reality is setting in. A is always saying how grateful she is to have friends who understand how she's like... I'm just struggling with it because it's just so different from me (I'm a planner, always on time, I expect people to be reliable etc. Opposite of her). We do have a great time when we get together, maybe I just have to accept that it's not going to happen a lot anymore (also my daughter isn't as close to theirs anymore, and has matured quite a bit).
It's just so lonely sometimes (my husband listens, but he also drives me completely nuts about other things and I feel like there's nobody I can talk to about it - my doctor referred me to a psychologist though, if I can ever find time to go between school and kid activities).
Anyway, again, thanks for the replies. I'm going back to school next week and hopefully it will keep me busy enough that I won't have to think about this too much anymore.0 -
sounds like you got ain't-*kitten* friends. i'm used to those so i wouldn't give a f$ck. spend ur time ignoring them and maybe play a joke on them to get back.1
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SurfyFoFurfy wrote: »Human relationships are complex..get a cat. Dog.
close.3
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