Please tell me if it’s me...
jenniferanderson3888
Posts: 53 Member
Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
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Replies
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jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
have you had a conversation with MIL about doughnuts?
TBH, i don't think that your husband or MIL should change what they eat, just because you want to change what you eat. at some point you have to take responsibility and learn to say no as there's always going to be food around that you cant fit into your calories for that day.
have a treat cupboard for them to put their treats so you don't have to see them?48 -
I don't think it would be out of line to ask your husband and your mother-in-law to keep their treats in a cupboard or somewhere else that's at least out of your sight. Leaving them out in the open isn't necessary.
That being said, you cannot expect other people to not have food in the house just because you can't control yourself around them. It's their house, too.
The best-of-both-world scenario would be for you to make room in your calorie budget each day for a treat, so that you're not feeling so deprived. If you know you're going to have one (as opposed to them being "forbidden fruit") you might find that to be enough to satisfy you. Not saying that's going to happen right away - restraint is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
And if all else fails, you're going to have to find the willpower to avoid them. When the cravings hit, have some gum, go for a walk, do something else to refocus yourself.
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I suspect this is part of her wanting to be a good mother and treating her family. something she has done her entire life.
depending on your relationship with her, might be worth a calm discussion explaining you are trying to eat healthier and it is hard for you when there are added high calorie sweets so often. BUT offer her alternatives things (within her budget) she can do instead.
Is she baking them herself? maybe talk about some recipes that are easier to fit in your diet and save some snack calories to include them. lots of low cal but yummy dessert options (see Skinnytaste.com or Hungry Girl). or fruit trays, veggy trays. the key here is she is doing this to be nice and provide for her kids and grandkids, so you need to make suggestions that allow her to still do this but that may work for you a bit better. You could share recipes and such. or make some yourself as examples.
Or to bring smaller portions for the husband and kids? individual portions.
But yes this is something you will need to learn to live with now and when you successfully lose the weight and are back on maintenance. Plan some calories for the sweets and take smaller pieces. losing weight doesn't mean NOT eating any of these things but eating them in moderation.7 -
Presumably she's purchasing the sweets with her own money and is eating at least part of what she brings in as well as your husband. They shouldn't have to be subject to the same restriction you are imposing on your own routine.
You could set aside a cabinet and ask them to put the treats out of sight there, that could help you avoid some of the temptations of having them in plain view. You could also ask your mother in law to buy smaller packages for just her and your husband.16 -
I feel the same as the others who have responded, you cannot expect others to abide by your changes. As a mom of 2 boys under 14, I cannot expect them to stop having chips in their lunches, or the occasional pizza, because I have not allotted for the calories. They see me making changes, and my older one has started to think more about what he is eating too, but I can't expect them to go with out.9
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@jenniferanderson3888 - Is your M-I-L living with you a recent thing? Or is your diet the new element here?3
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She will live with us permanently.6
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I don't like to say what is right or wrong with only one side of the story but I don't like that your husband was so dismissive of your situation.
You don't take your mother's side over your wife in normal situations. You just don't.
I am afraid there is not much I can suggest that probably won't end in a major fight. I believe respect is among the core principles of a marriage.
I hope you two are fairly young and he just needs to grow up a little.
My advice is to stand your ground. Tell him that in time you may be able to handle it but until then there will be no sweets left in the house. They can eat them elsewhere. You want your MiL to feel at home but this should not be a big thing to ask.
I would definitely ask this forum for strategies to help deal with your sweets situation.
Edited to remove a bad comparison that should not have been made.31 -
I do the weekly shopping and buy cakes and crisps for my husband because he doesn't need to lose weight...I do. If your husband and MIL are not trying to lose weight why should they go without?15
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jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »She will live with us permanently.
Are you perfectly happy with this arrangement? I only ask because we had my MIL living with us for years [until she died] and it's never the same as being just the two of us, however much I loved her.6 -
Eating healthy is a lifestyle you made this choice to be healthy and it's the right choice you can make some very nice healthy food and treat food make these to have them on hand, What do you do when you eat out? should Mcdonalds close down because of you?. I've seen a lot of women blame husbands and boyfriends but i'm sure they are hungry and angry but this is my opinion. I guess what i'm saying is don't blame anyone for your choice to eat healthy own your choices " I made this choice so i'm doing it"
I guess if it's a matter of who's shopping for your food and whose cooking then a meal plan would be good.
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Its "your" game and "your" challenge. Now you have to make a way to see yourself thinner and healthier as the benefit than a powdered sugar donut hanging out of your mouth.8
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I look at this way, not everyone is going to be on a diet (losing weight) when I am. It would be unfair of me to ask others to change what they are doing to appease me, in my family it would come with not only with resistance but with hurt feelings.
Permanently moving in will have everyone making adjustments in some capacity or the other. You can try to voice your expectations, but will all parties reach a happy medium?
Another thing and I think things will get easier as you get deeper into weight loss, you will even find that having a donut is possible if you fit it in your calorie intake for example. You will have to DO YOU, create your own planning that helps you achieve long term success.9 -
It’s hard having a relative, other than your spouse, SO, and children, living under the same roof. Even immediate family members have different needs. To deny others because you don’t want a certain food is a little unreasonable. At work, foods and treats are always coming into the office. It’s a lot easier to learn to resist something yourself than to expect people in their home to not bring certain foods into the home you share.3
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It's not fair of you to expect your entire household to change just because you're on a diet. Your MIL is a grown human and should have the freedom to eat what she wants.16
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Personally, I would tell myself that MILs food is off-limits, like a roommate. I also suggest that you imagine her sneezing on all of them.
Good luck.33 -
jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
I would tell myself it is her food, not mine. My sister lived with me for a while and eats all kinds of stuff I don't, and it was her food and my food. I never paid attention to or was tempted by her stuff, it was hers.13 -
I don't expect the people I live with to avoid foods just because I don't want to eat them. When my husband brings home something that I'd prefer not to eat, I remind myself that it's his food.
At the end of the day, we've got to develop "survival strategies" to turn down food we don't want if we want our long-term weight management to be a success. Home, work, social events, etc . . . we're often surrounded by food and we can't eat it all.14 -
jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
I feel this statement is a way to let you shift blame off of yourself. And I say this in all kindness and understanding because I am prone to blaming others for choices I actually made myself.
It helps me a lot in these type situations to think truth to myself. IE “I chose to eat a donut and blew my calorie allowance for the day.”
I think there is some fault on both sides here. No, it’s not really all that fair to say no one can have sweets in the house. However, your husband and MIL could perhaps make some concessions that other have already mentioned. Keeping the sweets out of eye sight can help. Ask them not to offer you these things. It’s a lot harder to say no when asked vs just perhaps going to another room when you notice people are eating a trigger food near you.
I also keep a variety of low calorie sweets around so I can treat myself on days I have spent too many calories elsewhere. Perhaps make your own stash. I have tic tacs, altoids, some 16 calorie ginger chews, 50 calorie chocolate squares, small halloween size candy bars, all the way up to 150 calorie candy bars in my low cal treat stash. It gives me a variety to choose from if I just really want something sweet and don’t feel like it’s worth going over on my calories that day.
Good luck!24 -
jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
I feel this statement is a way to let you shift blame off of yourself. And I say this in all kindness and understanding because I am prone to blaming others for choices I actually made myself.
It helps me a lot in these type situations to think truth to myself. IE “I chose to eat a donut and blew my calorie allowance for the day.”
I think there is some fault on both sides here. No, it’s not really all that fair to say no one can have sweets in the house. However, your husband and MIL could perhaps make some concessions that other have already mentioned. Keeping the sweets out of eye sight can help. Ask them not to offer you these things. It’s a lot harder to say no when asked vs just perhaps going to another room when you notice people are eating a trigger food near you.
I also keep a variety of low calorie sweets around so I can treat myself on days I have spent too many calories elsewhere. Perhaps make your own stash. I have tic tacs, altoids, some 16 calorie ginger chews, 50 calorie chocolate squares, small halloween size candy bars, all the way up to 150 calorie candy bars in my low cal treat stash. It gives me a variety to choose from if I just really want something sweet and don’t feel like it’s worth going over on my calories that day.
Good luck!
I have had a lot of success with always making sure I have *something* to grab when I'm tempted, even if it's as simple as a flavored tea (I like apple cinnamon or chocolate mint) or a diet soda. I also have a little "treat stash" at work with some single serving candies. It's a lot easier for me to turn something down when I can say "yes" to something else that I enjoy.9 -
janejellyroll wrote: »jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
I feel this statement is a way to let you shift blame off of yourself. And I say this in all kindness and understanding because I am prone to blaming others for choices I actually made myself.
It helps me a lot in these type situations to think truth to myself. IE “I chose to eat a donut and blew my calorie allowance for the day.”
I think there is some fault on both sides here. No, it’s not really all that fair to say no one can have sweets in the house. However, your husband and MIL could perhaps make some concessions that other have already mentioned. Keeping the sweets out of eye sight can help. Ask them not to offer you these things. It’s a lot harder to say no when asked vs just perhaps going to another room when you notice people are eating a trigger food near you.
I also keep a variety of low calorie sweets around so I can treat myself on days I have spent too many calories elsewhere. Perhaps make your own stash. I have tic tacs, altoids, some 16 calorie ginger chews, 50 calorie chocolate squares, small halloween size candy bars, all the way up to 150 calorie candy bars in my low cal treat stash. It gives me a variety to choose from if I just really want something sweet and don’t feel like it’s worth going over on my calories that day.
Good luck!
I have had a lot of success with always making sure I have *something* to grab when I'm tempted, even if it's as simple as a flavored tea (I like apple cinnamon or chocolate mint) or a diet soda. I also have a little "treat stash" at work with some single serving candies. It's a lot easier for me to turn something down when I can say "yes" to something else that I enjoy.
I try to keep 50-100 calories for an evening treat and if my husband starts munching on a 450 calorie muffin with his cup of tea late afternoon I just look forward to the 90 calorie chocolate brownie or 50 calorie piece of chocolate I'm going to eat and enjoy after dinner.5 -
I’m with your husband on this.4
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Without commenting on the relationship dynamics, I personally developed habits before I ever gained weight that led directly to me being in the position to have to unlearn them. Those habits are mine and mine alone. My wife always brings food into the house that I would rather not eat, and that's her choice as it is my choice to open my mouth and eat some of it.
I sincerely hope that doesn't come across as harsh because that's the last thing I intend, but, unless something is going on that isn't being shared, like a wife vs mother ultimatum or abuse, then personal responsibility and how much of it you're accepting ought to be looked at.
My MiL lived with us for some time, so I really do get how uncomfortable that can be, but there's also something extremely liberating about allowing myself to be 100% responsible for my own mis-steps, as well as my own victories.
The others are giving some great advice, like the substitute janejellyroll mentioned.
You'll get this and get through it.
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its her,. ask her to leave them in her car with all the other unhealthy food she may want to eat/ helpful hint - do you feel comfortable asking others to please smoke outside? same thing. if you were an alcoholic would it also be ok to ask people not to bring booze in your house? same thing. its your house/ your safe space/your rules36
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I don't like to say what is right or wrong with only one side of the story but I don't like that your husband was so dismissive of your situation.
You don't take your mother's side over your wife in normal situations. You just don't.
I am afraid there is not much I can suggest that probably won't end in a major fight. I believe respect is among the core principles of a marriage.
I hope you two are fairly young and he just needs to grow up a little.
My advice is to stand your ground. Tell him that in time you may be able to handle it but until then there will be no sweets left in the house. They can eat them elsewhere. You want your MiL to feel at home but this should not be a big thing to ask.
I would definitely ask this forum for strategies to help deal with your sweets situation.
Edited to remove a bad comparison that should not have been made.
LOL....sounds like a typical husband to me...taking the mother side over the wife. I don't know maybe just me but most men find it hard to confront their mothers.
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janejellyroll wrote: »I don't expect the people I live with to avoid foods just because I don't want to eat them. When my husband brings home something that I'd prefer not to eat, I remind myself that it's his food.
At the end of the day, we've got to develop "survival strategies" to turn down food we don't want if we want our long-term weight management to be a success. Home, work, social events, etc . . . we're often surrounded by food and we can't eat it all.
Totally agree with this...if I "choose" to eat something it is on me 100%.7 -
I had a similar issue with my hubby. He was leaving his treats all over the living room coffee table and I found myself snacking just because I saw them. Finally I grabbed a wire mesh basket and set it uinder the table and that's where he keeps them now. Honestly it was so simple and I am no longer tempted. I agree with those who said give her and hubby a spot to store the stuff so you don't see it. Outside of that you need to just program your head that you don't eat those things or if you can afford the calories and can control yourself allow a treat once in a while. Eventually it gets better and I find others don't even try to push their treats on me anymore because they know I don't eat it. Good luck.9
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To the OP...seriously blowing a plan because she brought in donuts, you could have just had one and that would not have blown your plan. Yesterday I think I had a good day eating wise and I still ate one chocolate chip cookie and half a kitkit bar...still all good!9
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its her,. ask her to leave them in her car with all the other unhealthy food she may want to eat/ helpful hint - do you feel comfortable asking others to please smoke outside? same thing. if you were an alcoholic would it also be ok to ask people not to bring booze in your house? same thing. its your house/ your safe space/your rules
Being in the room with a smoker puts me at risk whether or not I choose to pick up a cigarette myself or not. Someone bringing a donut into a home I live in doesn't *do* anything to me physically unless I choose to start eating them too.
I don't know if I agree that a shared family home should be unilaterally made a "safe space" for one member only without discussion and consent from all members of the household. Simply declaring that common items can't be in the home doesn't seem fair or productive. Yes, it's OP's home. It's also the home of at least two other people, people who also deserve consideration, comfort, and respect.47 -
its her,. ask her to leave them in her car with all the other unhealthy food she may want to eat/ helpful hint - do you feel comfortable asking others to please smoke outside? same thing. if you were an alcoholic would it also be ok to ask people not to bring booze in your house? same thing. its your house/ your safe space/your rules
I'm a recovering alky and I never ask anyone to not do anything except drinking and driving. Most of my family enjoys a few drinks. I just smile and drink my coffee. Apples to oranges. Excessive alcohol also impairs judgement and reactions. A donut doesn't.33
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