Please tell me if it’s me...

jenniferanderson3888 · February 2019

Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?

TavistockToad · February 2019

jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »

Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?

have you had a conversation with MIL about doughnuts?

TBH, i don't think that your husband or MIL should change what they eat, just because you want to change what you eat. at some point you have to take responsibility and learn to say no as there's always going to be food around that you cant fit into your calories for that day.

have a treat cupboard for them to put their treats so you don't have to see them?

snickerscharlie · February 2019

I don't think it would be out of line to ask your husband and your mother-in-law to keep their treats in a cupboard or somewhere else that's at least out of your sight. Leaving them out in the open isn't necessary.

That being said, you cannot expect other people to not have food in the house just because you can't control yourself around them. It's their house, too.

The best-of-both-world scenario would be for you to make room in your calorie budget each day for a treat, so that you're not feeling so deprived. If you know you're going to have one (as opposed to them being "forbidden fruit") you might find that to be enough to satisfy you. Not saying that's going to happen right away - restraint is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets.

And if all else fails, you're going to have to find the willpower to avoid them. When the cravings hit, have some gum, go for a walk, do something else to refocus yourself.

Panini911 · February 2019

I suspect this is part of her wanting to be a good mother and treating her family. something she has done her entire life.

depending on your relationship with her, might be worth a calm discussion explaining you are trying to eat healthier and it is hard for you when there are added high calorie sweets so often. BUT offer her alternatives things (within her budget) she can do instead.

Is she baking them herself? maybe talk about some recipes that are easier to fit in your diet and save some snack calories to include them. lots of low cal but yummy dessert options (see Skinnytaste.com or Hungry Girl). or fruit trays, veggy trays. the key here is she is doing this to be nice and provide for her kids and grandkids, so you need to make suggestions that allow her to still do this but that may work for you a bit better. You could share recipes and such. or make some yourself as examples.

Or to bring smaller portions for the husband and kids? individual portions.

But yes this is something you will need to learn to live with now and when you successfully lose the weight and are back on maintenance. Plan some calories for the sweets and take smaller pieces. losing weight doesn't mean NOT eating any of these things but eating them in moderation.

bpetrosky · February 2019

Presumably she's purchasing the sweets with her own money and is eating at least part of what she brings in as well as your husband. They shouldn't have to be subject to the same restriction you are imposing on your own routine.

You could set aside a cabinet and ask them to put the treats out of sight there, that could help you avoid some of the temptations of having them in plain view. You could also ask your mother in law to buy smaller packages for just her and your husband.

amfmmama · February 2019

I feel the same as the others who have responded, you cannot expect others to abide by your changes. As a mom of 2 boys under 14, I cannot expect them to stop having chips in their lunches, or the occasional pizza, because I have not allotted for the calories. They see me making changes, and my older one has started to think more about what he is eating too, but I can't expect them to go with out.

snickerscharlie · February 2019

@jenniferanderson3888 - Is your M-I-L living with you a recent thing? Or is your diet the new element here?

jenniferanderson3888 · February 2019

She will live with us permanently.

NovusDies · February 2019

I don't like to say what is right or wrong with only one side of the story but I don't like that your husband was so dismissive of your situation.

You don't take your mother's side over your wife in normal situations. You just don't.

I am afraid there is not much I can suggest that probably won't end in a major fight. I believe respect is among the core principles of a marriage.

I hope you two are fairly young and he just needs to grow up a little.

My advice is to stand your ground. Tell him that in time you may be able to handle it but until then there will be no sweets left in the house. They can eat them elsewhere. You want your MiL to feel at home but this should not be a big thing to ask.

I would definitely ask this forum for strategies to help deal with your sweets situation.

Edited to remove a bad comparison that should not have been made.

suziecue25 · February 2019

I do the weekly shopping and buy cakes and crisps for my husband because he doesn't need to lose weight...I do. If your husband and MIL are not trying to lose weight why should they go without?

suziecue25 · February 2019

jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »

She will live with us permanently.

Are you perfectly happy with this arrangement? I only ask because we had my MIL living with us for years [until she died] and it's never the same as being just the two of us, however much I loved her.

jasonpoihegatama · February 2019

Eating healthy is a lifestyle you made this choice to be healthy and it's the right choice you can make some very nice healthy food and treat food make these to have them on hand, What do you do when you eat out? should Mcdonalds close down because of you?. I've seen a lot of women blame husbands and boyfriends but i'm sure they are hungry and angry but this is my opinion. I guess what i'm saying is don't blame anyone for your choice to eat healthy own your choices " I made this choice so i'm doing it"

I guess if it's a matter of who's shopping for your food and whose cooking then a meal plan would be good.

dsboohead · February 2019

Its "your" game and "your" challenge. Now you have to make a way to see yourself thinner and healthier as the benefit than a powdered sugar donut hanging out of your mouth.

RoxieDawn · February 2019

I look at this way, not everyone is going to be on a diet (losing weight) when I am. It would be unfair of me to ask others to change what they are doing to appease me, in my family it would come with not only with resistance but with hurt feelings.

Permanently moving in will have everyone making adjustments in some capacity or the other. You can try to voice your expectations, but will all parties reach a happy medium?

Another thing and I think things will get easier as you get deeper into weight loss, you will even find that having a donut is possible if you fit it in your calorie intake for example. You will have to DO YOU, create your own planning that helps you achieve long term success.

missysippy930 · February 2019

It’s hard having a relative, other than your spouse, SO, and children, living under the same roof. Even immediate family members have different needs. To deny others because you don’t want a certain food is a little unreasonable. At work, foods and treats are always coming into the office. It’s a lot easier to learn to resist something yourself than to expect people in their home to not bring certain foods into the home you share.

jennifer_417 · February 2019

It's not fair of you to expect your entire household to change just because you're on a diet. Your MIL is a grown human and should have the freedom to eat what she wants.

quiksylver296 · February 2019

Personally, I would tell myself that MILs food is off-limits, like a roommate. I also suggest that you imagine her sneezing on all of them.

Good luck.

lemurcat2 · February 2019

jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »

Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?

I would tell myself it is her food, not mine. My sister lived with me for a while and eats all kinds of stuff I don't, and it was her food and my food. I never paid attention to or was tempted by her stuff, it was hers.

janejellyroll · February 2019

I don't expect the people I live with to avoid foods just because I don't want to eat them. When my husband brings home something that I'd prefer not to eat, I remind myself that it's his food.

At the end of the day, we've got to develop "survival strategies" to turn down food we don't want if we want our long-term weight management to be a success. Home, work, social events, etc . . . we're often surrounded by food and we can't eat it all.

LadySaton · February 2019

jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »

Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?

I feel this statement is a way to let you shift blame off of yourself. And I say this in all kindness and understanding because I am prone to blaming others for choices I actually made myself.

It helps me a lot in these type situations to think truth to myself. IE “I chose to eat a donut and blew my calorie allowance for the day.”

I think there is some fault on both sides here. No, it’s not really all that fair to say no one can have sweets in the house. However, your husband and MIL could perhaps make some concessions that other have already mentioned. Keeping the sweets out of eye sight can help. Ask them not to offer you these things. It’s a lot harder to say no when asked vs just perhaps going to another room when you notice people are eating a trigger food near you.

I also keep a variety of low calorie sweets around so I can treat myself on days I have spent too many calories elsewhere. Perhaps make your own stash. I have tic tacs, altoids, some 16 calorie ginger chews, 50 calorie chocolate squares, small halloween size candy bars, all the way up to 150 calorie candy bars in my low cal treat stash. It gives me a variety to choose from if I just really want something sweet and don’t feel like it’s worth going over on my calories that day.

Good luck!

janejellyroll · February 2019

LadySaton wrote: »

jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »

Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?

I feel this statement is a way to let you shift blame off of yourself. And I say this in all kindness and understanding because I am prone to blaming others for choices I actually made myself.

It helps me a lot in these type situations to think truth to myself. IE “I chose to eat a donut and blew my calorie allowance for the day.”

I think there is some fault on both sides here. No, it’s not really all that fair to say no one can have sweets in the house. However, your husband and MIL could perhaps make some concessions that other have already mentioned. Keeping the sweets out of eye sight can help. Ask them not to offer you these things. It’s a lot harder to say no when asked vs just perhaps going to another room when you notice people are eating a trigger food near you.

I also keep a variety of low calorie sweets around so I can treat myself on days I have spent too many calories elsewhere. Perhaps make your own stash. I have tic tacs, altoids, some 16 calorie ginger chews, 50 calorie chocolate squares, small halloween size candy bars, all the way up to 150 calorie candy bars in my low cal treat stash. It gives me a variety to choose from if I just really want something sweet and don’t feel like it’s worth going over on my calories that day.

Good luck!

I have had a lot of success with always making sure I have *something* to grab when I'm tempted, even if it's as simple as a flavored tea (I like apple cinnamon or chocolate mint) or a diet soda. I also have a little "treat stash" at work with some single serving candies. It's a lot easier for me to turn something down when I can say "yes" to something else that I enjoy.

Please tell me if it’s me...

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