Please tell me if it’s me...
Replies
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I'm currently dieting to drop my 8 Lbs of winter fluff...I don't expect my wife and kids to restrict themselves just because I am. We always have sweets in the house because my kids get them for treats. My wife enjoys snacking on potato chips which is one of my favorite "junk foods"...it's up to me to either fit them in or just ignore...I don't expect my family to be on my plan.17
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its her,. ask her to leave them in her car with all the other unhealthy food she may want to eat/ helpful hint - do you feel comfortable asking others to please smoke outside? same thing. if you were an alcoholic would it also be ok to ask people not to bring booze in your house? same thing. its your house/ your safe space/your rules
None of that equates to bringing doughnuts in the house. Smoking is harmful to everyone around whether they are smoking or not...and alcoholism is a real addiction...doughnuts are not.27 -
I’m with your husband on this.
In theory perhaps, in practice I am definitely not. There are many ways he could have handled that situation that would not have left his wife feeling disrespected. Off the top of my head he could have said "Honey I think this is a problem you need to work on but in the meantime I will ask her to lay off bringing sweets in the house."
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As I sit at my laptop typing this there is a 400g bag of Roses chocolates [my favourite's] on the table that my husband opened and started to devour last night. I have taken out 6 of my favourite choccies and put them in a beautiful little cut glass bowl.....they are 58 calories each and I will have 1 a night until they are gone. On the other hand my husband will gobble down loads of chocolates every night and the big bag will be empty long before my 6 chocs are eaten......hubby will beg me for one of mine and the answer will be *kitten* off lol21
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suziecue25 wrote: »As I sit at my laptop typing this there is a 400g bag of Roses chocolates [my favourite's] on the table that my husband opened and started to devour last night. I have taken out 6 of my favourite choccies and put them in a beautiful little cut glass bowl.....they are 58 calories each and I will have 1 a night until they are gone. On the other hand my husband will gobble down loads of chocolates every night and the big bag will be empty long before my 6 chocs are eaten......hubby will beg me for one of mine and the answer will be *kitten* off lol
@suziecue25 Are you sure you two are not my wife and I? Because that sounds just like a night at my house!
@NovusDies - I tend to agree with you. The problem with brutal honesty is that it's brutal, poorly thought out words can hurt more than any donut. There are better ways for a man to support his wife.
edit for spelling8 -
@ Phirrgus
Quote @suziecue25 Are you sure you two are not my wife and I? Because that sounds just like a night at my house!
ha ha ....marital bliss
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jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?
LOL. It's 100% you.
Did she hold a gun to your head and force you to eat those foods? No, of course she didn't. You are responsible for what you put in your mouth. You won't get much sympathy for demanding everyone else stop living their lives just because it's easier for you that way. If you want to lose weight, learn some will power, or learn that you can eat small amounts of sweets and offset those calories with extra cardio. If you want a candy bar, go for an hour long walk to offset it. It's that simple.
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I'm with the OP here. While starting a plan, it's very difficult to have tempting food right in front of your face. But you would need to have a nice conversation with your MIL about it. And ask that she only buy one for herself and one for your husband and not a full pack.8
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OMG this would be hard. MIL should respect you enough to go in another room and not eat that in front of you! My hubby wants to eat at night and I make him scoot somewhere else. I would not drink in front of an alcoholic, same principle. Smokers, same thing, go outside or somewhere else to smoke.17
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brenn24179 wrote: »OMG this would be hard. MIL should respect you enough to go in another room and not eat that in front of you! My hubby wants to eat at night and I make him scoot somewhere else. I would not drink in front of an alcoholic, same principle.
As has been said before.....alcoholism is a genuine addiction.....liking sweeties and cakes isn't.22 -
suziecue25 wrote: »As I sit at my laptop typing this there is a 400g bag of Roses chocolates [my favourite's] on the table that my husband opened and started to devour last night. I have taken out 6 of my favourite choccies and put them in a beautiful little cut glass bowl.....they are 58 calories each and I will have 1 a night until they are gone. On the other hand my husband will gobble down loads of chocolates every night and the big bag will be empty long before my 6 chocs are eaten......hubby will beg me for one of mine and the answer will be *kitten* off lol
@suziecue25 Are you sure you two are not my wife and I? Because that sounds just like a night at my house!
@NovusDies - I tend to agree with you. The problem with brutal honesty is that it's brutal, poorly thought out words can hurt more than any donut. There are better ways for a man to support his wife.
edit for spelling
She is already feeling vulnerable from her mistake and now she is feeling disrespected. She does need to find her tools and a new mindset about this situation but that can't be just forced on a person. It is not uncommon to remove the temptation for a period of time. I have done this myself with certain things and I have had good success with those items later on.
OP, you do understand that you can't go through the rest of your life fearing doughnuts, right? Regardless of how this shakes out going forward you will need a working strategy because there will always be more doughnuts around the next corner.18 -
suziecue25 wrote: »As I sit at my laptop typing this there is a 400g bag of Roses chocolates [my favourite's] on the table that my husband opened and started to devour last night. I have taken out 6 of my favourite choccies and put them in a beautiful little cut glass bowl.....they are 58 calories each and I will have 1 a night until they are gone. On the other hand my husband will gobble down loads of chocolates every night and the big bag will be empty long before my 6 chocs are eaten......hubby will beg me for one of mine and the answer will be *kitten* off lol
@suziecue25 Are you sure you two are not my wife and I? Because that sounds just like a night at my house!
@NovusDies - I tend to agree with you. The problem with brutal honesty is that it's brutal, poorly thought out words can hurt more than any donut. There are better ways for a man to support his wife.
edit for spelling
She is already feeling vulnerable from her mistake and now she is feeling disrespected. She does need to find her tools and a new mindset about this situation but that can't be just forced on a person. It is not uncommon to remove the temptation for a period of time. I have done this myself with certain things and I have had good success with those items later on.
OP, you do understand that you can't go through the rest of your life fearing doughnuts, right? Regardless of how this shakes out going forward you will need a working strategy because there will always be more doughnuts around the next corner.
I was agreeing with you
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suziecue25 wrote: »As I sit at my laptop typing this there is a 400g bag of Roses chocolates [my favourite's] on the table that my husband opened and started to devour last night. I have taken out 6 of my favourite choccies and put them in a beautiful little cut glass bowl.....they are 58 calories each and I will have 1 a night until they are gone. On the other hand my husband will gobble down loads of chocolates every night and the big bag will be empty long before my 6 chocs are eaten......hubby will beg me for one of mine and the answer will be *kitten* off lol
@suziecue25 Are you sure you two are not my wife and I? Because that sounds just like a night at my house!
@NovusDies - I tend to agree with you. The problem with brutal honesty is that it's brutal, poorly thought out words can hurt more than any donut. There are better ways for a man to support his wife.
edit for spelling
She is already feeling vulnerable from her mistake and now she is feeling disrespected. She does need to find her tools and a new mindset about this situation but that can't be just forced on a person. It is not uncommon to remove the temptation for a period of time. I have done this myself with certain things and I have had good success with those items later on.
OP, you do understand that you can't go through the rest of your life fearing doughnuts, right? Regardless of how this shakes out going forward you will need a working strategy because there will always be more doughnuts around the next corner.
I was agreeing with you
Next time agree with me harder!!
I am a little off my game because of illness.18 -
suziecue25 wrote: »As I sit at my laptop typing this there is a 400g bag of Roses chocolates [my favourite's] on the table that my husband opened and started to devour last night. I have taken out 6 of my favourite choccies and put them in a beautiful little cut glass bowl.....they are 58 calories each and I will have 1 a night until they are gone. On the other hand my husband will gobble down loads of chocolates every night and the big bag will be empty long before my 6 chocs are eaten......hubby will beg me for one of mine and the answer will be *kitten* off lol
@suziecue25 Are you sure you two are not my wife and I? Because that sounds just like a night at my house!
@NovusDies - I tend to agree with you. The problem with brutal honesty is that it's brutal, poorly thought out words can hurt more than any donut. There are better ways for a man to support his wife.
edit for spelling
She is already feeling vulnerable from her mistake and now she is feeling disrespected. She does need to find her tools and a new mindset about this situation but that can't be just forced on a person. It is not uncommon to remove the temptation for a period of time. I have done this myself with certain things and I have had good success with those items later on.
OP, you do understand that you can't go through the rest of your life fearing doughnuts, right? Regardless of how this shakes out going forward you will need a working strategy because there will always be more doughnuts around the next corner.
I was agreeing with you
Next time agree with me harder!!
I am a little off my game because of illness.
I WILL!!
I hope you feel better soon!
edit: I still gave you "insightful" on that, because it is 1 -
People can fight over anything, geez, if it bothered someone I would go to another room to eat my junk, I don't want to make it hard on anyone. If it was easy to not overeat, then we would not need MFP.8
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brenn24179 wrote: »People can fight over anything, geez, if it bothered someone I would go to another room to eat my junk, I don't want to make it hard on anyone. If it was easy to not overeat, then we would not need MFP.
I don't see anyone arguing that it's necessarily *easy*, just that it is an important skill to develop for long-term success with weight management.
Also, note that OP isn't asking for the food to be eaten in another room. That isn't the issue. She's asking for it to be kept out of the house completely.12 -
OP, it seems to me that a lot of people using 'brutal honesty' to tell you eating a doughnut is your fault because no one accidentally eats a doughnut, and food choices are yours only, are correct in their premise. I agree with that. You gotta have accountability.
But it's also honest to acknowledge that mindless eating is real (Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think Mass Market Paperback – by Brian Wansink) and that weight problems are complicated. It's very simplistic to say "you can't fear doughnuts for the rest of your life", "don't ask anyone else to suffer along with you". Even tho as parents or providers we already do that don't we? But What if you need to fear 'bad foods' for a while until you develop better habits?
Someone compared this to alcohol and smoking. I'll say that those two are different in the sense that with those habits you either do or don't. It's clear cut, not so much with eating. We have to make decisions. With addictions, you already decided. You can't simply decide not to ever eat again. Can you decide to never eat dougnuts? I guess you could but everything in moderation seems to be a better approach.
Lastly, if I host someone in my house, I probably have the right to establish a couple of rules even if they seem silly ones, for instance, no shoes, no noises after 9pm, no uninvited guests, etc. Banning tempting foods for a period of time until you learn a better way than to avoid the food in question entirely doesn't seem unreasonable to me. But yes the goal for you should be to learn to control whether you avoid a food entirely or exercise portion control.5 -
brenn24179 wrote: »People can fight over anything, geez, if it bothered someone I would go to another room to eat my junk, I don't want to make it hard on anyone. If it was easy to not overeat, then we would not need MFP.
Nobody is arguing that it's easy. It doesn't seem to me to be a realistic expectation to go on a diet and think everyone else around you needs to be on your plan. There are always going to be temptations and learning to how to deal with them is important. There will always be parties at work, social gatherings with friends, etc, etc, etc. You have to find some way to deal with these things rather than expecting that temptations will never be there.13 -
cwolfman13 wrote: »brenn24179 wrote: »People can fight over anything, geez, if it bothered someone I would go to another room to eat my junk, I don't want to make it hard on anyone. If it was easy to not overeat, then we would not need MFP.
Nobody is arguing that it's easy. It doesn't seem to me to be a realistic expectation to go on a diet and think everyone else around you needs to be on your plan. There are always going to be temptations and learning to how to deal with them is important. There will always be parties at work, social gatherings with friends, etc, etc, etc. You have to find some way to deal with these things rather than expecting that temptations will never be there.
Very true, you have to learn to avoid completely or moderate what you eat....hell I have used the weather as an excuse to stuff my face:( It is too cold/snowy, etc. so I might as well eat!!!1 -
I visit my daughter in another state and stay several days each month. I ASK ABOUT EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT..and she is my kid. I would not dream of going into anyone else's house and doing whatever I wanted simply because I wanted to. I AM A GUEST and I would act like a guest - and if I wanted to be myself and do whatever I WOULD PAY FOR A HOTEL ROOM - simple stuff.26
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OP, it seems to me that a lot of people using 'brutal honesty' to tell you eating a doughnut is your fault because no one accidentally eats a doughnut, and food choices are yours only, are correct in their premise. I agree with that. You gotta have accountability.
But it's also honest to acknowledge that mindless eating is real (Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think Mass Market Paperback – by Brian Wansink) and that weight problems are complicated. It's very simplistic to say "you can't fear doughnuts for the rest of your life", "don't ask anyone else to suffer along with you". Even tho as parents or providers we already do that don't we? But What if you need to fear 'bad foods' for a while until you develop better habits?
Someone compared this to alcohol and smoking. I'll say that those two are different in the sense that with those habits you either do or don't. It's clear cut, not so much with eating. We have to make decisions. With addictions, you already decided. You can't simply decide not to ever eat again. Can you decide to never eat dougnuts? I guess you could but everything in moderation seems to be a better approach.
Lastly, if I host someone in my house, I probably have the right to establish a couple of rules even if they seem silly ones, for instance, no shoes, no noises after 9pm, no uninvited guests, etc. Banning tempting foods for a period of time until you learn a better way than to avoid the food in question entirely doesn't seem unreasonable to me. But yes the goal for you should be to learn to control whether you avoid a food entirely or exercise portion control.
These people aren't guests, though. It's her husband and M-I-L who also live there.
Another example - let's say I decided to go vegetarian tomorrow. How would it be fair for me to impose my new diet on the rest of the family by forbidding anything that doesn't comply with it from being in the house? Or get pissed because the smell of them cooking bacon is driving me crazy and undermining my resolve?19 -
I visit my daughter in another state and stay several days each month. I ASK ABOUT EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT..and she is my kid. I would not dream of going into anyone else's house and doing whatever I wanted simply because I wanted to. I AM A GUEST and I would act like a guest - and if I wanted to be myself and do whatever I WOULD PAY FOR A HOTEL ROOM - simple stuff.
this is MY KID. and I would not presume anything. its rude and tacky.17 -
I think I mostly agree with everyone else here - but i have some strategies that might help too.
I think part of it depends on where you are in the process - i don't think it would be out of line to ask that there be no sweets in the common areas of the house during an adjustment period while you get on track for your goals (a couple of weeks maybe?). Then, once that is established, think about what are the MOST triggering foods for you personally, and ask if they not ever be in the common areas - if MIL wants them, she can have them in her space. For that to work though, it has to be something specific, not just "sweets".
I used to keep a jar of M&Ms in my pantry at all times. I'd have a handful here and there when i wanted something sweet. The 1-pound bag would usually last me 6-8 weeks. When my spouse moved in, she asked that i NOT keep m&ms in the house at all times, because that candy is her weak spot. My personal weak spot is Cheetos. The orange powder makes me go crazy & i can't stop thinking about them if they're in the house. Nothing else triggers me the way Cheetos do. We don't keep them in the house - but if we are going on a road trip we usually get a bag of Cheetos & a bag of M&Ms to share on the trip.
Something that has helped us both quite a bit, and we came about it quite by accident because of a mouse problem in the house (we live out in the country). We started keeping all of our foods in Rubbermaid bins in the pantry, one for canned goods, one for snacks, one for pasta, one for bread, one for other things that don't fit in, that sort of thing. And we eventually ended up each of us having a shoebox-sized box that was specifically "ours", and we put our treats in those boxes - Neither of us would even consider pilfering from the other's treat bin, even though i don't think the other would actually mind if we did. It works out well because we always have something that we really like available, but not out staring at the other one. You could consider doing the same thing for hubby and MIL - get them bins or cabinets or whatever you have room for, that's THEIRS, and not directly in your sight line.
Anyway, sorry for the wall of text, hope it's helpful!
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I visit my daughter in another state and stay several days each month. I ASK ABOUT EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT..and she is my kid. I would not dream of going into anyone else's house and doing whatever I wanted simply because I wanted to. I AM A GUEST and I would act like a guest - and if I wanted to be myself and do whatever I WOULD PAY FOR A HOTEL ROOM - simple stuff.
There is a huge difference between a house guest and a family living together. This post is about a family living together. It's everyone's home.26 -
This is a speed bump on your journey. There will be many. Any of the ideas shared can get you over it, but you have to want the results more than you want that donut. The next “donut” will be an office, school or church function. The one after that will be a night out. There are a lot of donuts out there, it’s up to you whether you eat it.6
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janejellyroll wrote: »brenn24179 wrote: »People can fight over anything, geez, if it bothered someone I would go to another room to eat my junk, I don't want to make it hard on anyone. If it was easy to not overeat, then we would not need MFP.
I don't see anyone arguing that it's necessarily *easy*, just that it is an important skill to develop for long-term success with weight management.
Also, note that OP isn't asking for the food to be eaten in another room. That isn't the issue. She's asking for it to be kept out of the house completely.
This.
I don't know the situation, but I would think that telling the MIL that she cannot bring her own food into the house unless OP approves would make the MIL feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome.
Also personally with my sister's food (which again I just considered not my food and never thought it was appropriate to tell her what she could eat when living with me), it was less of a difficult situation than food at my office. Just this morning we got an email "donuts in the breakroom for everyone!" I thought that was nice, but it's my choice whether I eat it or not. And yes, when I get coffee I see people standing around eating it. So it's really not something that you can eliminate and building up ways to deal with temptation is important.
I think giving the MIL a cabinet or the like specifically for her just for her stuff (or for her and the husband if she wants to share) is a good idea, as some others mentioned.9 -
With enough practice, I have found it is totally do-able to not eat what is sitting in front of me. I do it when I go to a restaurant and choose A off the menu instead of B... I do it when my kids eat chips and I weigh out some popcorn or fruit instead... If other people in the house will enjoy her donuts, then I think you should let them enjoy them. Just my opinion. I like the flavored tea idea. I sip warm water a lot when there are snacks foods around, when I'm at a party, etc.2
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I visit my daughter in another state and stay several days each month. I ASK ABOUT EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT..and she is my kid. I would not dream of going into anyone else's house and doing whatever I wanted simply because I wanted to. I AM A GUEST and I would act like a guest - and if I wanted to be myself and do whatever I WOULD PAY FOR A HOTEL ROOM - simple stuff.
this is MY KID. and I would not presume anything. its rude and tacky.
-Yet you are presuming the OP has the same family dynamic you do.
-You're presuming the OP's MiL is rude and tacky when to her MiL, it may simply be a way of providing for her loved ones, like my mother. She assumes that if I say no thank you, I'm just being polite.
-Presumptions minus all the facts rarely lead to a healthy conclusion about any given situation that is not grossly apparent, like spousal abuse or the like. We don't know all the facts and can only share a limited perspective, while blanket generalizations only serve to stifle conversation.
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Does your MIL buy an entire dozen doughnuts when only she and your spouse are eating them? If so, I'd say she's trying to sabotage your efforts. Decide what treats you really want to have, buy them for yourself, and realize that anything else is not your food. It's a lot easier to avoid a doughnut if you know you have something else to enjoy.
If she brings sweets in and leaves them out to tempt you, you can always shove them into a cupboard onto a high shelf so they aren't taunting you from the counter all day.8 -
There's 5 of us in my house and I'm the only one who's actively focusing on weight management. What I've learned over the years of doing this-
1. I've learned how to be an adult around food and no longer eat something just because it's in front of me. I have complete control over food and make conscious decisions about what I will and will not eat. I also do not eat other people's food. This did not happen overnight but it is a skill that I learned over time-it does get easier.
2. I eat all the foods I enjoy, including things like donuts, but fit them into my weight management plan. That may mean 1/2 of a donut, 1 whole donut a week, no donuts one week, a slice of cheesecake the following week etc. Donuts or any other foods are not off limits, but I eat them in a controlled and planned out manner.
3. My kids have their own cupboard where they keep their snacks and I have my own cupboard, where I keep my foodstuff. I don't go in their cupboard and they don't go in mine. This may be a good way to handle some of the issues you're facing OP-give your mil a space in the kitchen where she can keep her food, just like you would a roommate. If you can do this with a second fridge/freezer too it might be helpful. I have a small deep freezer that's on our back porch which is 'my space', where I keep all my frozen green smoothie ingredients and Halo Top ice cream
OP, I think it's awesome that you're opening your house up to your MIL, I can imagine how difficult that decision was. Hopefully with a bit of time and communication things will start going smoothly!12
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