Please tell me if it’s me...
Replies
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It seems I am some sort of tyrant because there are a handful of things I don't let my husband bring into the house as I have a very difficult time not eating them if they are around. Mostly baked goods, chocolate and nuts.
The baked goods and the chocolate were easy; he doesn't eat them anyway and was only bringing them home for me. The nuts, however, are a different story: he really, really likes them and doesn't want to stop eating them...but he really, really likes me too so he just has them at work instead of having them at home. This way, I'm not stopping him from eating them and he's not tempting me with them in the house. Nothing wrong with a little compromise.13 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »Nothing wrong with a little compromise.
I think this is what it ultimately comes down to. And there are a lot of good examples in this thread.
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I think making a polite request for family/housemates to consider—maybe for a limited time—and then being open to their responses and perspectives is better than setting rules for other adults to adhere to and calling them rude if they don’t. I’m confused about why thinking of the donuts as “MIL’s” food doesn’t really help. FWIW, I personally feel more competent when I acknowledge that I’m responsible for my own choices, and wouldn’t be nearly as successful at this if I put that power in others’ hands.8
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If she is now living with you permanently, you can't really expect her to never have food in the house that she wants to eat. Just like she can't expect you to eat her sweets whenever she brings them in the house. It is one thing if she is constantly pushing them on you and making you feel like you HAVE to eat them, but if she just brings them in and doesn't pressure you about it, not much you can do about that.
It's impossible to avoid all temptations, so unfortunately you will probably just have to figure out how to live in a house with food you can't have (unless there are days when you want to fit it in your calories). I live with my sister, and we eat completely different food. She doesn't touch mine, I don't touch hers. That's just kind of how it is. You get used to it.
That doesn't mean it's easy, but it's all part of the lifestyle change.
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jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »She will live with us permanently.
Then you have way bigger problems than donuts. Hugs.
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jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »She will live with us permanently.
So in her permanent home she isn't allowed to bring home treats that she likes to eat? How do you expect that would make her feel? Unwelcome? In the way? An intrusion? Not a grownup who's allowed to spend her money and do her own thing? I'm sorry, but if there's any rudeness in this situation, it's not coming from the person you think it is.25 -
brenn24179 wrote: »OMG this would be hard. MIL should respect you enough to go in another room and not eat that in front of you! My hubby wants to eat at night and I make him scoot somewhere else. I would not drink in front of an alcoholic, same principle. Smokers, same thing, go outside or somewhere else to smoke.
You're projecting. OP said nothing about what room the donuts were eaten in. Just that the MIL, who lives in the home, brought donuts home. How dare she!7 -
I visit my daughter in another state and stay several days each month. I ASK ABOUT EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT..and she is my kid. I would not dream of going into anyone else's house and doing whatever I wanted simply because I wanted to. I AM A GUEST and I would act like a guest - and if I wanted to be myself and do whatever I WOULD PAY FOR A HOTEL ROOM - simple stuff.
The MIL is not a guest. She's a permanent resident of the house, hence it is her home as well.14 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »It seems I am some sort of tyrant because there are a handful of things I don't let my husband bring into the house as I have a very difficult time not eating them if they are around. Mostly baked goods, chocolate and nuts.
The baked goods and the chocolate were easy; he doesn't eat them anyway and was only bringing them home for me. The nuts, however, are a different story: he really, really likes them and doesn't want to stop eating them...but he really, really likes me too so he just has them at work instead of having them at home. This way, I'm not stopping him from eating them and he's not tempting me with them in the house. Nothing wrong with a little compromise.
How is this a compromise? Are you honestly suggesting that it would be legitimate for you to tell him he can't have nuts at work, either? I could get that if you were allergic and worried about contact exposure, but how does it hurt you that he's eating them at work when it's just food you don't have any self-control around?13 -
I'm not sure how to get there, but if you are all going to be living under the same roof permanently you need to get to the place where you all want to help each other and get along. Your MIL can keep her treats out of your sight - that's a workable solution - but ideally she would come to an understanding that this is helpful to you and do it out of kindness, not resentment. Two adult women who are each used to running their own household living under one roof is a situation which has to be handled with extreme tact and a lot of love, or it doesn't work.
Your husband, her son, may be able to say things and get through to her in ways that you can't. Every family has a different dynamic but if this were my family, I would ask my husband to please have a talk with his mother, and he would say something like, "Well, she would never say anything to you about it, but it's really hard on her when you bring stuff in while she's trying to avoid sweets. Maybe we could eat them together when she's not around." Then no one has to be the bad guy and hopefully everyone tries to be the good guy.10 -
I think it is unreasonable of your mil to frequently being home large amounts of doughnuts/ cakes / whatever, knowing that you’re trying to avoid them. It seems completely tactless to me. That’s assuming that she is aware that you are trying hard to avoid these things, and that she’s bringing more home than just for herself and your husband (eg every day a whole bag of doughnuts).
If I was living with someone on a diet there is no way I would continue to bring cakes home - unless it was just for me and then it would be a small amount and I’d do it subtly.
I think it is rude.
However, if she isn’t aware of how hard you’re finding avoiding these foods she could well be feeling vulnerable living in “your” house and trying to make you all feel better about her living there. Without knowing her and the situation fully we can’t call it. But you do know her and if you think it’s rudeness I’d be inclined to agree with you! And I feel for you, having her living with you permanently
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I have been in your situation and the only thing that worked for me is willpower and a lot of "NO THANKS I don't eat doughnuts, Not even a tiny bit or half"5
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »
How is this a compromise? Are you honestly suggesting that it would be legitimate for you to tell him he can't have nuts at work, either? I could get that if you were allergic and worried about contact exposure, but how does it hurt you that he's eating them at work when it's just food you don't have any self-control around?
Where on Earth did you get the impression I think he should not eat them at work?? The compromise is that he keeps his stash away from home.
I don’t know about others but I have a difficult time resisting things in my home that I have no trouble resisting outside of it. I can easily turn down baked goods, chocolate and nuts at work, at restaurants, at friends’ etc. For whatever reason, if they’re at home, I’ll eat them eventually. This seems difficult for you to understand; luckily for me, husband doesn’t have that issue and helps me out. Not sure what exactly about this causes you such indignation.
25 years of being together, 13 married, has taught us that it’s important to pick our battles. Nuts are not worthy of battle. Would you feel better if I told you about the silly, arbitrary things that I do simply to accommodate husband because they’re not worth fighting over? I could do that if you like because it’s very important to me that you, a perfect stranger on the internet, approve of my relationship dynamics >.>15 -
It’s you. But there’s a silver lining here. You will learn a new method of passing on things that sabatoge your efforts which is better real world experience than expecting people to cater to your personal diet preferences. This, in turn, will help you in the long run. If the food is such a trigger, that seems to be the bigger problem. There are resources for learning how to overcome obsessive thoughts in relation to food, and there’s certainly no shame in talking to a counselor about that.3
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Wow, this thread is such a beautiful example of the telephone game. People have projected this dramatic story of a MIL temptingly eating bite after bite of a giant pile of doughnuts she keeps fully stocked right in the OP's face while the uncaring husband crudely tells his wife to shut up, it's all her fault. This is the entirety of the OP posts:jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »Ok. My mother in law is living with us. I do not bring any sweets in the house. But she keeps bringing them in. I think it’s very rude. I struggle with sweets and can’t be around them. Last week I blew my plan because she brought home donuts. My husband says it’s me. I need to have will power. I think they should respect the fact I can’t have them in the house. Is it me? What would u do?jenniferanderson3888 wrote: »She will live with us permanently.
That's it. We don't know how OP brought this up with her DH or MIL. We don't know how either of them actually reacted. We don't know what the husband actually said, just the takeaway that OP retained. We don't know how long this has been going on. Some posters are assuming a heckuva lot of detail.
OP, I personally think it's unfair to ask everyone you live with to stop eating any foods you have decided you can't eat. I think the idea of assigning a cabinet or drawer for these foods and asking everyone to keep that sort of thing in there sounds like a fair compromise. Perhaps you can present it as asking for help (rather than accusing them of being rude) - most people are genuinely happy to help the people they care about and it makes them feel important and needed. Best of luck
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I have teenagers in the house along with my husband. They eat plenty of things I either can’t or don’t. I’m allergic to wheat germ. Wheat is in everything. My husband lifts and his goal is pretty much always to add more muscle. The kids do sports and are growing. I am responsible for my goals and what I put in my body.11
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Wow, this thread is such a beautiful example of the telephone game. People have projected this dramatic story of a MIL temptingly eating bite after bite of a giant pile of doughnuts she keeps fully stocked right in the OP's face while the uncaring husband crudely tells his wife to shut up, it's all her fault. This is the entirety of the OP posts:
That's it. We don't know how OP brought this up with her DH or MIL. We don't know how either of them actually reacted. We don't know what the husband actually said, just the takeaway that OP retained. We don't know how long this has been going on. Some posters are assuming a heckuva lot of detail.
OP, I personally think it's unfair to ask everyone you live with to stop eating any foods you have decided you can't eat. I think the idea of assigning a cabinet or drawer for these foods and asking everyone to keep that sort of thing in there sounds like a fair compromise. Perhaps you can present it as asking for help (rather than accusing them of being rude) - most people are genuinely happy to help the people they care about and it makes them feel important and needed. Best of luck
I couldn't agree more with you.7 -
YOU are on this weight loss journey- not your MIL or your husband. Therefore YOU are responsible for your actions and will power, NOT them. Be INTENTIONAL with your goals and dont focus on what others are doing or not doing around you. Sounds harsh, but you started this journey for YOU , so remember that when she brings those delicious warm gooey glazed donuts home for them..... THINK LONG TERM- short sacrifice now, for long term success. If you CAN'T do it cos it's in the house, you have bigger issues. Learn self control.8
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Wow, this thread is such a beautiful example of the telephone game. People have projected this dramatic story of a MIL temptingly eating bite after bite of a giant pile of doughnuts she keeps fully stocked right in the OP's face while the uncaring husband crudely tells his wife to shut up, it's all her fault. This is the entirety of the OP posts:
That's it. We don't know how OP brought this up with her DH or MIL. We don't know how either of them actually reacted. We don't know what the husband actually said, just the takeaway that OP retained. We don't know how long this has been going on. Some posters are assuming a heckuva lot of detail.
OP, I personally think it's unfair to ask everyone you live with to stop eating any foods you have decided you can't eat. I think the idea of assigning a cabinet or drawer for these foods and asking everyone to keep that sort of thing in there sounds like a fair compromise. Perhaps you can present it as asking for help (rather than accusing them of being rude) - most people are genuinely happy to help the people they care about and it makes them feel important and needed. Best of luck
these sort of hit and run threads by an OP are the lifeblood of MFP though! :laugh:10 -
love it!1 -
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If it's the MIL's home also, that means...it's her home too. Which means she should be "allowed" to have whatever food she wants there (unless someone had an extreme life-threatening allergy, in which case...life-threatening allergy wins). She's not forcing you to eat anything. It's not rude of her to simply have something she enjoys in the house.
YOU make YOUR choices; don't try to enforce those on someone else. I have an 8-year old and a husband in the house and I'm not going to tell either of them they can't have XYZ in their own home. I also don't get them up to go to the gym with me at 2am. That's my choice, not theirs.
If you can talk to them and request that they maybe put the "no-no foods" in a cupboard or pantry where you won't see it and theoretically be out of sight, out of mind, great. But what if they want dessert and you're there? Then not only is the food itself in front of your face, but they are actively eating it in front of you?
At some point you have acknowledge your responsibility in the situation. You're an adult. Your husband is an adult. Your MIL is an adult. You all live under one roof. Each person is responsible for their own actions.8 -
I know this thread has been beaten to death, but.... one more thought. My family that I live with are split between food moderators and food abstainers in our search for healthy choices. I track my food regularly and fall into the moderator approach. When others in my family might suddenly decide that something is “forbidden” and I feel I need to squirrel it away and/or hide it or the fact I’m eating it, it can trigger food shaming feelings, which I totally resist (generally successfully). This makes my approach more challenging in the face of what I might perceive as judgement. Given that everyone had some relationship with food, conscious or not, healthy or not, we all impact each other with our assumptions and demands/requests of each other. I’d say that my family all have pretty healthy approaches to food, but they’re really different—and I’ve been able to be successful because there’s space for these differences. I had a strong reaction to the OP’s post—and am just trying to work through why.. and the living with MIL piece is a whole other can of worms!10
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »It seems I am some sort of tyrant because there are a handful of things I don't let my husband bring into the house as I have a very difficult time not eating them if they are around. Mostly baked goods, chocolate and nuts.
The baked goods and the chocolate were easy; he doesn't eat them anyway and was only bringing them home for me. The nuts, however, are a different story: he really, really likes them and doesn't want to stop eating them...but he really, really likes me too so he just has them at work instead of having them at home. This way, I'm not stopping him from eating them and he's not tempting me with them in the house. Nothing wrong with a little compromise.
I hear you. I find it hard to avoid tempting foods, not at meals, but when there are leftovers in the fridge. (Social situation where I've planned for what I'm having? No problem. Social situation I hosted and now it's an hour later and I'm here with the leftover brownies, two cupcakes, and a cup of jellybeans? We got issues.) So we came to an agreement that there are certain foods that I have a hard time moderating and could he please ONLY buy a single portion OR eat them outside the house?
At the same time, these are specific foods or ingredients. There's no "ban on baked goods" in general. It works for us, and I think it's mostly because I don't say, "Please don't bring cookies into the house," but "could you please not bring the maple creme sandwich cookies home? I don't think I can stay out of them." (I'm getting better! Soft chocolate chip cookies are now safe around me and I couldn't always say that!)
That being said, I bought hubby a super-decadent cupcake for his birthday, which he loved. (And told him to please not reciprocate when it's mine...)14 -
Wow, this thread is such a beautiful example of the telephone game. People have projected this dramatic story of a MIL temptingly eating bite after bite of a giant pile of doughnuts she keeps fully stocked right in the OP's face while the uncaring husband crudely tells his wife to shut up, it's all her fault. This is the entirety of the OP posts:
That's it. We don't know how OP brought this up with her DH or MIL. We don't know how either of them actually reacted. We don't know what the husband actually said, just the takeaway that OP retained. We don't know how long this has been going on. Some posters are assuming a heckuva lot of detail.
OP, I personally think it's unfair to ask everyone you live with to stop eating any foods you have decided you can't eat. I think the idea of assigning a cabinet or drawer for these foods and asking everyone to keep that sort of thing in there sounds like a fair compromise. Perhaps you can present it as asking for help (rather than accusing them of being rude) - most people are genuinely happy to help the people they care about and it makes them feel important and needed. Best of luck
Log it as "Jumping to Conclusions". It's in the MFP database as cardio.
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I know this thread has been beaten to death
Just as there are basically 7 stories in the world, there are no more original topics on MFP. They have all been discussed multiple times and yet they still continue to come up. Many several times daily.
I agree that the MIL issue could be interesting.1 -
InsertFunnyUsernameHere wrote: »
Log it as "Jumping to Conclusions". It's in the MFP database as cardio.
A lot of people will have burnt a lot of calories :laugh:4 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »
Where on Earth did you get the impression I think he should not eat them at work?? The compromise is that he keeps his stash away from home.
I don’t know about others but I have a difficult time resisting things in my home that I have no trouble resisting outside of it. I can easily turn down baked goods, chocolate and nuts at work, at restaurants, at friends’ etc. For whatever reason, if they’re at home, I’ll eat them eventually. This seems difficult for you to understand; luckily for me, husband doesn’t have that issue and helps me out. Not sure what exactly about this causes you such indignation.
25 years of being together, 13 married, has taught us that it’s important to pick our battles. Nuts are not worthy of battle. Would you feel better if I told you about the silly, arbitrary things that I do simply to accommodate husband because they’re not worth fighting over? I could do that if you like because it’s very important to me that you, a perfect stranger on the internet, approve of my relationship dynamics >.>
A compromise is when both sides give up something. It's nice that he's willing to do this for you, but if you're not giving something up, it's not a compromise.11
This discussion has been closed.
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