Loving, but critical husband
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southrnchic479
Posts: 136 Member
I love my husband, and he loves me, but dang that man does not know when to shut up or how to use his words properly. He’s got a heart of gold but he does not know how to say things sometimes.
Our baby is 8 months old. Prepregnancy I was like 145/147, which is where I was when we first met. I’m 160/163 right now. I have gained and lost over the years, but have never been toned - because I’ve never gotten into strength training. At my skinniest (our wedding) I was probably like 135 but still in the photos I can see like in my arms I’m soft with no definition. I am considering joining the CrossFit right by my house to learn how to lift and build muscle, but anyway...I digress.
This is the end of the first week I’ve started towards getting on track after baby. Last night he told me “you’re never gonna lose the weight riding that [recumbent bike]. You need to get out and sweat.” I was like “I have gained and lost before. I lost 20 lbs before I met you” to which he said “yea and gained 40 back” (not true!). He told me that I don’t really want to lose this weight, that I’m not dedicated enough. That if it’s too hard I don’t want to do it. That I’ve never been toned because I don’t get outside off my butt in the heat and work out. 🙄 THEN he said “why do you think people in the gym can only get so big and toned?” At that point I checked out because that’s bull lol. There are tons of people who are toned and trim working out in a gym ?!
And yeah, at this point, if it’s too much of a hassle with my schedule, I’m not gonna stick with it. I have a needy baby who’s mouth is exploding with teeth and doesn’t like naps, so yeah, 33 minutes on a recumbent bike burning 250 calories is a good payout for me until I can do better. And I am sweating when it’s over!! My goal is to lose a lot of the fat weight first and then learn to lift and build muscle by being coached at the gym. I’m on a much more generous than in the past 1500ish calories a day (1 lb a week). Used to be on 1200 back in the day when I would get on the ball. 29 y/o and 5’5”.
Anyway, if I’m wrong about my workout plan then by all means, let me know but give me some solid reasoning please. I’m not looking for advice about my husband, I just want to know if I’m coming at this weight loss all wrong this go-round.
Our baby is 8 months old. Prepregnancy I was like 145/147, which is where I was when we first met. I’m 160/163 right now. I have gained and lost over the years, but have never been toned - because I’ve never gotten into strength training. At my skinniest (our wedding) I was probably like 135 but still in the photos I can see like in my arms I’m soft with no definition. I am considering joining the CrossFit right by my house to learn how to lift and build muscle, but anyway...I digress.
This is the end of the first week I’ve started towards getting on track after baby. Last night he told me “you’re never gonna lose the weight riding that [recumbent bike]. You need to get out and sweat.” I was like “I have gained and lost before. I lost 20 lbs before I met you” to which he said “yea and gained 40 back” (not true!). He told me that I don’t really want to lose this weight, that I’m not dedicated enough. That if it’s too hard I don’t want to do it. That I’ve never been toned because I don’t get outside off my butt in the heat and work out. 🙄 THEN he said “why do you think people in the gym can only get so big and toned?” At that point I checked out because that’s bull lol. There are tons of people who are toned and trim working out in a gym ?!
And yeah, at this point, if it’s too much of a hassle with my schedule, I’m not gonna stick with it. I have a needy baby who’s mouth is exploding with teeth and doesn’t like naps, so yeah, 33 minutes on a recumbent bike burning 250 calories is a good payout for me until I can do better. And I am sweating when it’s over!! My goal is to lose a lot of the fat weight first and then learn to lift and build muscle by being coached at the gym. I’m on a much more generous than in the past 1500ish calories a day (1 lb a week). Used to be on 1200 back in the day when I would get on the ball. 29 y/o and 5’5”.
Anyway, if I’m wrong about my workout plan then by all means, let me know but give me some solid reasoning please. I’m not looking for advice about my husband, I just want to know if I’m coming at this weight loss all wrong this go-round.
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Replies
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Good for you for taking these comments in their most positive possible light. That takes some emotional strength, and is even more amazing to pull off with the exhaustion that most come from having a teething infant in the house. Perhaps ask him to return the favor (emotional sensitivity) by explaining the gist of your third paragraph to him: you need support not advice, you recognize this is the start not the end of the process, and what you need right now is to do what is doable without being overwhelmed. Hopefully he will be as generous in his response as you have been in your post.14
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I'm just gunna wish you loads of luck..
Is there someone in your life who'll pat you on the back, motivate and support you in a positive way, because negativity can really wear you down.
Oh and yes, more calories is a good idea , 1200 is very low and hard to sustain12 -
I think you should just ignore it or take it as a part of the challenge. We're almost never getting support from our partners in the form we'd like to. TBH, we struggle most of the time to support ourselves the way we need it.
Just focus on what you do, not on what he says.
I think my husband is the smartest guy I know. And yet, every time he works on losing weight I think that he is doing it all wrong and that I know better than him what would be best for him, lol. And most of the time I am not strong enough to keep my mouth shut I am sure he feels the same way when I work on losing weight too. It's quite normal, actually.
We don't succeed because of all this wonderful support from our partners but despite lack of it
So, I think you are doing great, I like your approach - having a maintainable plan and adjust over time. I think it's one of the smartest things to do! Just focus on that and don't overthink it too much.
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I don't know, I think I'd have to have, "the Talk," with him.
"Hey, let me work at this in my way. How about you not give me advice anymore about this? It's uncomfortable."
THEN: Don't discuss it with him again. Don't bring up food choices, exercise methods, weight, any of that. I mean any subject under Heaven has opinions - and I've found most people don't agree with how I choose to do almost anything.
If he brings it up, "Hey, how about those Yankees?"24 -
I think you caught him in a moment of trying to be the expert, not a moment of intentional hurtful ness. Hugs7
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The boomerang issue is that negative comments can become triggers for losing the grip of motivation - find some source of positivity and try to avoid the discussion with the husband, if at all possible. A great partner doesn't necessarily fill all of the different needs we have. Whatever you can do to burn calories, keep it real in your life and still manage a baby, seems most excellent to me - don't let anyone convince you otherwise.5
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cmriverside wrote: »I don't know, I think I'd have to have, "the Talk," with him.
"Hey, let me work at this in my way. How about you not give me advice anymore about this? It's uncomfortable."
THEN: Don't discuss it with him again. Don't bring up food choices, exercise methods, weight, any of that. I mean any subject under Heaven has opinions - and I've found most people don't agree with how I choose to do almost anything.
If he brings it up, "Hey, how about those Yankees?"
Agree 1000%5 -
I'll just give you a big hug and endless support.5
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I have a husband who has been active all his life. He's never been overweight. At 57, he runs, swims, bikes, has qualified in the Boston Marathon two times, done an Ironman, etc. You get the gist. He married the most unathletic, couch potato ever.
We actually don't communicate about dieting/weight loss ever. Up until about 8 years ago, weight was *never* an issue for me. It is now. My husband generally doesn't comment on things until *I* start complaining about the scale not budging or me feeling out of shape or whatever. Then his expert mode comes in just like your husband has done to you. Fortunately, I don't think it comes from a place of condescension or trying to hurt me, and I don't feel hurt. My husband is an authority on exercise and some of the things he said (specifically, the recumbent bike comments) are identical to your husband and, well, he's correct.
Could it be that you've complained to your husband about your weight and the difficulty taking it off and how long it takes and then he sees you sitting on a bike and he knows that's just not going to do it? That's where it comes from with my husband.
Like you, I have to start in stages and the remarks about the bike can really be troublesome because I have an "all or nothing" attitude. So I start to think: you know, he's right, this bike won't do squat for me. And then I just give up.
I'm trying to get over that way of thinking. Any movement is good.
As for tips, just do what you are doing. It sounds like a good plan and what works for you at this moment. Stay in a consistent calorie deficit. I might also add that you don't need to wait to lose fat to start toning. I would suggest that after you get off your bike (or before you get on it), do some body weight exercises (planks, squats, push ups, etc).9 -
I think you are approaching it exactly right. Baby first. Then your health. 1500 calories a day should be fairly easy and not cause much stress. It should be sustainable for the long haul. Indoor bike riding allows you to be with your baby while helping yourself. Perfect!5
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I have a husband who has been active all his life. He's never been overweight. At 57, he runs, swims, bikes, has qualified in the Boston Marathon two times, done an Ironman, etc. You get the gist. He married the most unathletic, couch potato ever.
We actually don't communicate about dieting/weight loss ever. Up until about 8 years ago, weight was *never* an issue for me. It is now. My husband generally doesn't comment on things until *I* start complaining about the scale not budging or me feeling out of shape or whatever. Then his expert mode comes in just like your husband has done to you. Fortunately, I don't think it comes from a place of condescension or trying to hurt me, and I don't feel hurt. My husband is an authority on exercise and some of the things he said (specifically, the recumbent bike comments) are identical to your husband and, well, he's correct.
Could it be that you've complained to your husband about your weight and the difficulty taking it off and how long it takes and then he sees you sitting on a bike and he knows that's just not going to do it? That's where it comes from with my husband.
Like you, I have to start in stages and the remarks about the bike can really be troublesome because I have an "all or nothing" attitude. So I start to think: you know, he's right, this bike won't do squat for me. And then I just give up.
I'm trying to get over that way of thinking. Any movement is good.
As for tips, just do what you are doing. It sounds like a good plan and what works for you at this moment. Stay in a consistent calorie deficit. I might also add that you don't need to wait to lose fat to start toning. I would suggest that after you get off your bike (or before you get on it), do some body weight exercises (planks, squats, push ups, etc).
No I haven't complained about the weight. I commented laughingly to our family at a picnic that I was so dedicated to losing the weight that I've skipped the mayo on my sub, or to him that I don't have it in my calorie budget for a glass of wine or something like that, but I haven't whined and complained about feeling fat in my clothes or anything. I've been dedicated, determined and have not expressed any discouragement.
Literally the comment began like this. Watching TV together, we're bantering about the show, he reaches over and pinches my arm fat, I laugh and pinch back but have a harder time grabbing his, he says, "you can't do that to me because I don't have any arm fat", I laugh and say, "yeah yeah, I'm working on mine!" and that's when it all just unraveled...
And my husband is not an expert lol. He has always been relatively thin, but never muscular. When I met him, according to his family, he had been skinnier before and at that time he had already started to get a smalllll belly, but at 31, he has begun to get a full on beer gut. And, if he shaves his face, although still a handsome man, he has no more defined jawline like he did when we met 6 years ago lol. Luckily for him he can grow a beard to disguise his small turkey neck haha. He is not fit. I think he thinks just because he was in military bootcamp (no, he was never actually in the military) and trimmed right down through all that grueling exercise, that he knows what he's talking about.
As far as your comments about the bike, if you mean I won't lose any weight using that bike, please explain. I don't see how that is possible. If it's helping to put me in a calorie deficit, the weight should start to come off, yes? I don't expect to become a bikini competitor on it (wouldn't that be lovely though?? haha) but I was looking for an effective way to maintain a calorie deficit and get workouts in after baby goes to bed. I agree I can start doing some body weight exercises (donkey kicks, fire hydrants, maybe some russian twists, push-ups hahaaaa I suck at those rn). I'm thinking if I get down to about 145 that's probably the point at which I will join a gym and get on the weight machines. Thoughts?10 -
Let him say whatever he wants, nod and say “ok” and then have fun proving him wrong!!!11
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If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.12 -
Weight loss takes place in the kitchen.9
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southrnchic479 wrote: »
As far as your comments about the bike, if you mean I won't lose any weight using that bike, please explain. I don't see how that is possible. If it's helping to put me in a calorie deficit, the weight should start to come off, yes? I don't expect to become a bikini competitor on it (wouldn't that be lovely though?? haha) but I was looking for an effective way to maintain a calorie deficit and get workouts in after baby goes to bed. I agree I can start doing some body weight exercises (donkey kicks, fire hydrants, maybe some russian twists, push-ups hahaaaa I suck at those rn). I'm thinking if I get down to about 145 that's probably the point at which I will join a gym and get on the weight machines. Thoughts?
Oh I didn't mean that you absolutely wouldn't lose weight on the bike, but like walking, it's not a fierce "burner." For instance, I can do a lot of walking but I didn't get a good calorie burn until I did Couch to 5K. Just the act of jogging over walking made a noticeable difference for me. Any exercise that isn't upright will burn about 20% less then sitting up. It's certainly not a waste though. Anything you can do will help with the calorie deficit.
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Do whatever works for you. As long as you maintain a calorie deficit consistently over a period of time you WILL lose weight. A healthy loss rate is max 2lbs per week, but this will vary as you go on and you may go up, down or stay the same also. So, you don't even have to get on the bike if you can just eat fewer calories, but there are lots of benefits to exercise so you should do as much as your schedule allows. Keep track of your measurements and take regular pics, good luck!4
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Tankiscool wrote: »If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.
That's, uh, a bit of an overreaction. I'm hoping hyperbole.8 -
Tankiscool wrote: »If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.
That's, uh, a bit of an overreaction. I'm hoping hyperbole.
"....Yeah gained 40 back"
"told [her] that I don’t really want to lose this weight"
"that [she} don’t really want to lose this weight"
"outside off [her] butt"
These comments he made to her, came off as he was calling her fat, lazy, and not dedicated. She just had a child 8 months ago and doing the best she can.
Half the battle of weight loss is mental state of mind. Just sayin.14 -
Tankiscool wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.
That's, uh, a bit of an overreaction. I'm hoping hyperbole.
"....Yeah gained 40 back"
"told [her] that I don’t really want to lose this weight"
"that [she} don’t really want to lose this weight"
"outside off [her] butt"
These comments he made to her, came off as he was calling her fat, lazy, and not dedicated. She just had a child 8 months ago and doing the best she can.
Half the battle of weight loss is mental state of mind. Just sayin.
I'm not condoning his behavior or in any way excusing it. But in 20 years with my husband, I've said plenty of stupid (and yes, occasionally hurtful) thing to him, and vice versa. Certainly a discussion probably needs to happen. A bit of grace goes a long way in a relationship.11 -
We don't know all the ins and outs of your marriage but from everything you've said and the fact that you're not looking for advice on your husband, I get the feeling you're pretty confident, solid marriage, and this a sore subject for the two of you because your ideas about fitness/weight are pretty different. What it doesn't sound like to me is a verbally abusive attack on a wife who's feeling down...at all. JMHO.
So in my view, the biggest thing is just doing it your way and sticking with your plan and shrugging off your husband's less than helpful comments. If you didn't have a new baby at home the only thing I'd say is "why wait til you've lost x number of pounds to start training in the gym? Do it now!" but I assume you're going to start that part when the baby's a bit older and less needy?6
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