Loving, but critical husband
southrnchic479
Posts: 136 Member
I love my husband, and he loves me, but dang that man does not know when to shut up or how to use his words properly. He’s got a heart of gold but he does not know how to say things sometimes.
Our baby is 8 months old. Prepregnancy I was like 145/147, which is where I was when we first met. I’m 160/163 right now. I have gained and lost over the years, but have never been toned - because I’ve never gotten into strength training. At my skinniest (our wedding) I was probably like 135 but still in the photos I can see like in my arms I’m soft with no definition. I am considering joining the CrossFit right by my house to learn how to lift and build muscle, but anyway...I digress.
This is the end of the first week I’ve started towards getting on track after baby. Last night he told me “you’re never gonna lose the weight riding that [recumbent bike]. You need to get out and sweat.” I was like “I have gained and lost before. I lost 20 lbs before I met you” to which he said “yea and gained 40 back” (not true!). He told me that I don’t really want to lose this weight, that I’m not dedicated enough. That if it’s too hard I don’t want to do it. That I’ve never been toned because I don’t get outside off my butt in the heat and work out. 🙄 THEN he said “why do you think people in the gym can only get so big and toned?” At that point I checked out because that’s bull lol. There are tons of people who are toned and trim working out in a gym ?!
And yeah, at this point, if it’s too much of a hassle with my schedule, I’m not gonna stick with it. I have a needy baby who’s mouth is exploding with teeth and doesn’t like naps, so yeah, 33 minutes on a recumbent bike burning 250 calories is a good payout for me until I can do better. And I am sweating when it’s over!! My goal is to lose a lot of the fat weight first and then learn to lift and build muscle by being coached at the gym. I’m on a much more generous than in the past 1500ish calories a day (1 lb a week). Used to be on 1200 back in the day when I would get on the ball. 29 y/o and 5’5”.
Anyway, if I’m wrong about my workout plan then by all means, let me know but give me some solid reasoning please. I’m not looking for advice about my husband, I just want to know if I’m coming at this weight loss all wrong this go-round.
Our baby is 8 months old. Prepregnancy I was like 145/147, which is where I was when we first met. I’m 160/163 right now. I have gained and lost over the years, but have never been toned - because I’ve never gotten into strength training. At my skinniest (our wedding) I was probably like 135 but still in the photos I can see like in my arms I’m soft with no definition. I am considering joining the CrossFit right by my house to learn how to lift and build muscle, but anyway...I digress.
This is the end of the first week I’ve started towards getting on track after baby. Last night he told me “you’re never gonna lose the weight riding that [recumbent bike]. You need to get out and sweat.” I was like “I have gained and lost before. I lost 20 lbs before I met you” to which he said “yea and gained 40 back” (not true!). He told me that I don’t really want to lose this weight, that I’m not dedicated enough. That if it’s too hard I don’t want to do it. That I’ve never been toned because I don’t get outside off my butt in the heat and work out. 🙄 THEN he said “why do you think people in the gym can only get so big and toned?” At that point I checked out because that’s bull lol. There are tons of people who are toned and trim working out in a gym ?!
And yeah, at this point, if it’s too much of a hassle with my schedule, I’m not gonna stick with it. I have a needy baby who’s mouth is exploding with teeth and doesn’t like naps, so yeah, 33 minutes on a recumbent bike burning 250 calories is a good payout for me until I can do better. And I am sweating when it’s over!! My goal is to lose a lot of the fat weight first and then learn to lift and build muscle by being coached at the gym. I’m on a much more generous than in the past 1500ish calories a day (1 lb a week). Used to be on 1200 back in the day when I would get on the ball. 29 y/o and 5’5”.
Anyway, if I’m wrong about my workout plan then by all means, let me know but give me some solid reasoning please. I’m not looking for advice about my husband, I just want to know if I’m coming at this weight loss all wrong this go-round.
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Replies
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Good for you for taking these comments in their most positive possible light. That takes some emotional strength, and is even more amazing to pull off with the exhaustion that most come from having a teething infant in the house. Perhaps ask him to return the favor (emotional sensitivity) by explaining the gist of your third paragraph to him: you need support not advice, you recognize this is the start not the end of the process, and what you need right now is to do what is doable without being overwhelmed. Hopefully he will be as generous in his response as you have been in your post.14
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I'm just gunna wish you loads of luck..
Is there someone in your life who'll pat you on the back, motivate and support you in a positive way, because negativity can really wear you down.
Oh and yes, more calories is a good idea , 1200 is very low and hard to sustain12 -
I think you should just ignore it or take it as a part of the challenge. We're almost never getting support from our partners in the form we'd like to. TBH, we struggle most of the time to support ourselves the way we need it.
Just focus on what you do, not on what he says.
I think my husband is the smartest guy I know. And yet, every time he works on losing weight I think that he is doing it all wrong and that I know better than him what would be best for him, lol. And most of the time I am not strong enough to keep my mouth shut I am sure he feels the same way when I work on losing weight too. It's quite normal, actually.
We don't succeed because of all this wonderful support from our partners but despite lack of it
So, I think you are doing great, I like your approach - having a maintainable plan and adjust over time. I think it's one of the smartest things to do! Just focus on that and don't overthink it too much.
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I don't know, I think I'd have to have, "the Talk," with him.
"Hey, let me work at this in my way. How about you not give me advice anymore about this? It's uncomfortable."
THEN: Don't discuss it with him again. Don't bring up food choices, exercise methods, weight, any of that. I mean any subject under Heaven has opinions - and I've found most people don't agree with how I choose to do almost anything.
If he brings it up, "Hey, how about those Yankees?"24 -
I think you caught him in a moment of trying to be the expert, not a moment of intentional hurtful ness. Hugs7
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The boomerang issue is that negative comments can become triggers for losing the grip of motivation - find some source of positivity and try to avoid the discussion with the husband, if at all possible. A great partner doesn't necessarily fill all of the different needs we have. Whatever you can do to burn calories, keep it real in your life and still manage a baby, seems most excellent to me - don't let anyone convince you otherwise.5
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cmriverside wrote: »I don't know, I think I'd have to have, "the Talk," with him.
"Hey, let me work at this in my way. How about you not give me advice anymore about this? It's uncomfortable."
THEN: Don't discuss it with him again. Don't bring up food choices, exercise methods, weight, any of that. I mean any subject under Heaven has opinions - and I've found most people don't agree with how I choose to do almost anything.
If he brings it up, "Hey, how about those Yankees?"
Agree 1000%5 -
I'll just give you a big hug and endless support.
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I have a husband who has been active all his life. He's never been overweight. At 57, he runs, swims, bikes, has qualified in the Boston Marathon two times, done an Ironman, etc. You get the gist. He married the most unathletic, couch potato ever.
We actually don't communicate about dieting/weight loss ever. Up until about 8 years ago, weight was *never* an issue for me. It is now. My husband generally doesn't comment on things until *I* start complaining about the scale not budging or me feeling out of shape or whatever. Then his expert mode comes in just like your husband has done to you. Fortunately, I don't think it comes from a place of condescension or trying to hurt me, and I don't feel hurt. My husband is an authority on exercise and some of the things he said (specifically, the recumbent bike comments) are identical to your husband and, well, he's correct.
Could it be that you've complained to your husband about your weight and the difficulty taking it off and how long it takes and then he sees you sitting on a bike and he knows that's just not going to do it? That's where it comes from with my husband.
Like you, I have to start in stages and the remarks about the bike can really be troublesome because I have an "all or nothing" attitude. So I start to think: you know, he's right, this bike won't do squat for me. And then I just give up.
I'm trying to get over that way of thinking. Any movement is good.
As for tips, just do what you are doing. It sounds like a good plan and what works for you at this moment. Stay in a consistent calorie deficit. I might also add that you don't need to wait to lose fat to start toning. I would suggest that after you get off your bike (or before you get on it), do some body weight exercises (planks, squats, push ups, etc).9 -
I think you are approaching it exactly right. Baby first. Then your health. 1500 calories a day should be fairly easy and not cause much stress. It should be sustainable for the long haul. Indoor bike riding allows you to be with your baby while helping yourself. Perfect!5
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I have a husband who has been active all his life. He's never been overweight. At 57, he runs, swims, bikes, has qualified in the Boston Marathon two times, done an Ironman, etc. You get the gist. He married the most unathletic, couch potato ever.
We actually don't communicate about dieting/weight loss ever. Up until about 8 years ago, weight was *never* an issue for me. It is now. My husband generally doesn't comment on things until *I* start complaining about the scale not budging or me feeling out of shape or whatever. Then his expert mode comes in just like your husband has done to you. Fortunately, I don't think it comes from a place of condescension or trying to hurt me, and I don't feel hurt. My husband is an authority on exercise and some of the things he said (specifically, the recumbent bike comments) are identical to your husband and, well, he's correct.
Could it be that you've complained to your husband about your weight and the difficulty taking it off and how long it takes and then he sees you sitting on a bike and he knows that's just not going to do it? That's where it comes from with my husband.
Like you, I have to start in stages and the remarks about the bike can really be troublesome because I have an "all or nothing" attitude. So I start to think: you know, he's right, this bike won't do squat for me. And then I just give up.
I'm trying to get over that way of thinking. Any movement is good.
As for tips, just do what you are doing. It sounds like a good plan and what works for you at this moment. Stay in a consistent calorie deficit. I might also add that you don't need to wait to lose fat to start toning. I would suggest that after you get off your bike (or before you get on it), do some body weight exercises (planks, squats, push ups, etc).
No I haven't complained about the weight. I commented laughingly to our family at a picnic that I was so dedicated to losing the weight that I've skipped the mayo on my sub, or to him that I don't have it in my calorie budget for a glass of wine or something like that, but I haven't whined and complained about feeling fat in my clothes or anything. I've been dedicated, determined and have not expressed any discouragement.
Literally the comment began like this. Watching TV together, we're bantering about the show, he reaches over and pinches my arm fat, I laugh and pinch back but have a harder time grabbing his, he says, "you can't do that to me because I don't have any arm fat", I laugh and say, "yeah yeah, I'm working on mine!" and that's when it all just unraveled...
And my husband is not an expert lol. He has always been relatively thin, but never muscular. When I met him, according to his family, he had been skinnier before and at that time he had already started to get a smalllll belly, but at 31, he has begun to get a full on beer gut. And, if he shaves his face, although still a handsome man, he has no more defined jawline like he did when we met 6 years ago lol. Luckily for him he can grow a beard to disguise his small turkey neck haha. He is not fit. I think he thinks just because he was in military bootcamp (no, he was never actually in the military) and trimmed right down through all that grueling exercise, that he knows what he's talking about.
As far as your comments about the bike, if you mean I won't lose any weight using that bike, please explain. I don't see how that is possible. If it's helping to put me in a calorie deficit, the weight should start to come off, yes? I don't expect to become a bikini competitor on it (wouldn't that be lovely though?? haha) but I was looking for an effective way to maintain a calorie deficit and get workouts in after baby goes to bed. I agree I can start doing some body weight exercises (donkey kicks, fire hydrants, maybe some russian twists, push-ups hahaaaa I suck at those rn). I'm thinking if I get down to about 145 that's probably the point at which I will join a gym and get on the weight machines. Thoughts?10 -
Let him say whatever he wants, nod and say “ok” and then have fun proving him wrong!!!
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If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.12 -
Weight loss takes place in the kitchen.9
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southrnchic479 wrote: »
As far as your comments about the bike, if you mean I won't lose any weight using that bike, please explain. I don't see how that is possible. If it's helping to put me in a calorie deficit, the weight should start to come off, yes? I don't expect to become a bikini competitor on it (wouldn't that be lovely though?? haha) but I was looking for an effective way to maintain a calorie deficit and get workouts in after baby goes to bed. I agree I can start doing some body weight exercises (donkey kicks, fire hydrants, maybe some russian twists, push-ups hahaaaa I suck at those rn). I'm thinking if I get down to about 145 that's probably the point at which I will join a gym and get on the weight machines. Thoughts?
Oh I didn't mean that you absolutely wouldn't lose weight on the bike, but like walking, it's not a fierce "burner." For instance, I can do a lot of walking but I didn't get a good calorie burn until I did Couch to 5K. Just the act of jogging over walking made a noticeable difference for me. Any exercise that isn't upright will burn about 20% less then sitting up. It's certainly not a waste though. Anything you can do will help with the calorie deficit.
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Do whatever works for you. As long as you maintain a calorie deficit consistently over a period of time you WILL lose weight. A healthy loss rate is max 2lbs per week, but this will vary as you go on and you may go up, down or stay the same also. So, you don't even have to get on the bike if you can just eat fewer calories, but there are lots of benefits to exercise so you should do as much as your schedule allows. Keep track of your measurements and take regular pics, good luck!4
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Tankiscool wrote: »If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.
That's, uh, a bit of an overreaction. I'm hoping hyperbole.8 -
Tankiscool wrote: »If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.
That's, uh, a bit of an overreaction. I'm hoping hyperbole.
"....Yeah gained 40 back"
"told [her] that I don’t really want to lose this weight"
"that [she} don’t really want to lose this weight"
"outside off [her] butt"
These comments he made to her, came off as he was calling her fat, lazy, and not dedicated. She just had a child 8 months ago and doing the best she can.
Half the battle of weight loss is mental state of mind. Just sayin.14 -
Tankiscool wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »If my brother in laws ever said that to my 2 sisters....well they wouldn't be family any longer, just leave it at that.
Loosing weight is 80% diet alone. Calorie deficit is how you loose fat.
That's, uh, a bit of an overreaction. I'm hoping hyperbole.
"....Yeah gained 40 back"
"told [her] that I don’t really want to lose this weight"
"that [she} don’t really want to lose this weight"
"outside off [her] butt"
These comments he made to her, came off as he was calling her fat, lazy, and not dedicated. She just had a child 8 months ago and doing the best she can.
Half the battle of weight loss is mental state of mind. Just sayin.
I'm not condoning his behavior or in any way excusing it. But in 20 years with my husband, I've said plenty of stupid (and yes, occasionally hurtful) thing to him, and vice versa. Certainly a discussion probably needs to happen. A bit of grace goes a long way in a relationship.11 -
We don't know all the ins and outs of your marriage but from everything you've said and the fact that you're not looking for advice on your husband, I get the feeling you're pretty confident, solid marriage, and this a sore subject for the two of you because your ideas about fitness/weight are pretty different. What it doesn't sound like to me is a verbally abusive attack on a wife who's feeling down...at all. JMHO.
So in my view, the biggest thing is just doing it your way and sticking with your plan and shrugging off your husband's less than helpful comments. If you didn't have a new baby at home the only thing I'd say is "why wait til you've lost x number of pounds to start training in the gym? Do it now!" but I assume you're going to start that part when the baby's a bit older and less needy?6 -
Men, in particular, love solving problems. That's just the nature of most men. Am I stereotyping? I was slim when I married a man I knew wasn't attracted to heavy women. As with your guy, that doesn't mean he's not a wonderful husband. He loves solving problems, which can be annoying sometimes.
I lost weight after my babies because I was nursing and didn't increase calories. I eat mostly keto, and I haven't measured calories lately, but, at 67, I think I'm too old to lose weight on a 1500 calorie plan, especially if I ate back exercise calories. I'm where I want to be and maintaining, and my husband's happy. I walk and jog, but I'm convinced muscle burns fat. I don't want to drive 12 miles to a gym, so I exercise at home. I use a Beach Body program, Chalean Extreme, that takes 35-45 minutes a day and only uses dumbbells (or stretch bands) and body weight. I haven't regretted my decision to purchase the Bowflex SelecTech dumbbells (they easily adjust from 5 lb. to 52.5 lb.) and a stand to hold them. They're an investment, so, if you want to go that direction, tell your husband he can use them, too.
Enjoy your baby and your husband. When you have a lot of blessings, you have to expect a few problems. God uses problems to keep us humble, and encourage us to look to Him for answers. May you find the answers you need. God bless you!7 -
FarmerCarla wrote: »Men, in particular, love solving problems. That's just the nature of most men. Am I stereotyping?
Yes. As you acknowledge it isn't true for all men and, indeed, some men are just kittenholes. Even married ones. Plenty of stories posted in the past 20+ years to the Internets (and even here, in these forums) from women whose relationships suffered, or even ended, just because their husbands no longer found them sexually attractive due to weight gain.
Of course, the OP hasn't raised the issue so therefore to the only person whom matters - her - he isn't in this category and therefore quite possibly as you postulate.
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1. when i talk to my girlfriends about a problem i have, they will generally be sympathetic and supportive. when i talk to my husband, he will generally try to come up with solutions. usually i just want sympathy. if i needed a solution, i would ask, but he doesn't think that way. not stereotyping, but it is not an uncommon scenario in men-women communications.
2. the best exercise you can do is the exercise you will enjoy and stick with. if it raises your heart rate and feels good, then do it! even if it doesn't burn as many calories as other exercises, it will burn some, and likely also raise your metabolism and mood. whether it's a walk around the block or dancing in the living room with your baby, if it's fun then do it.
3. with pregnancy and labour and those sleep-deprived first few months of motherhood, your body has been through A LOT in this past year. pay it back with kindness and appreciation. you are awesome.2 -
I've battled that 20+ on and off most of my adult life, and my husband, who is also not terribly fit, has had occasion to say some stupid things, too. He thinks he is being supportive, tough love, honest with me without realizing he is being hurtful, demeaning and just pissing me off. My advise is to focus on your happiness, not your weight. Ride your bike, take baby for walks, find ways to stay in motion (baby exercising is FUN and a great way to bond/play with your child). That combined with a sensible meal plan and the weight will go down. BUT, you seem a perfect candidate to remind that you should probably focus on do you like what you see in the mirror rather than what the scale tells you. AND talk to him about what days he will need to do daddy duty so you can get to the gym/go out by yourself and get a little me time fit in, too.2
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There are a lot of reasonable comments here. The only thing I will add is that you don't need to go outside, much less in the heat, to lose weight. As others have said, and you probably already know, diet is the biggest factor for weight loss and exercise is more for health plus a little extra calorie buffer. Working outside in the heat can actually lead to dehydration and heat stress which is dangerous. Sweating is not directly correlated to effort or calorie burn. So just keep doing your thing on the bike inside or whatever you want to do.5
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You need to do what feels right for YOUR body - there are too many people out there who think their advice is the correct advice. My suggestion is to possibly speak to your doc and a nutritionist as weight loss has been proven to be 80% (or more) what you are eating and how much. Find the right combination of healthier proteins, fats and carbs, and the right portion, nail all that, THEN work on your physical activity. Most importantly, IGNORE your husband, be patient and consistent, and ignore your scale (for the most part).2
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I like how you're maintaining your sense of humor. It is funny. You don't have to sweat your rear end off to lose weight. I think it is smart to use a stationary bike..it is inside..near your baby..you can always do it, because the weather doesn't matter. I'm sure. he actually thinks he's helping you. Women are tough strong creatures ..and I admire anyone who has a baby and gets the weight off while caring for a young new life. You're incredible!!!
mmm maybe we should pack 60 pounds on your hubby and tell him to go outside and sweat that off and show us how its done. 3 -
I had "the talk" with my partner very early on in our relationship about how I like to be supported in weight loss and more importantly what not to say. Ever since he's been perfect as he understands about how my mind works and if I binge do not say anything lol, just help eat/remove the biscuits once I'm in the regret mode (not before).
BTW exercycles are a saving grace for us baby mummas.4 -
I’m so glad I decided to post here. I was hesitant because I was worried everyone would bash my husband. I was pleasantly surprised that most of you respected me by respecting my husband, so thank you for that! He’s a little rough around the edges and can’t always put into words what he means, but he sure does love me (and shows it!).
Anyway, thank you all for the support! You have resolidified that YES I am on the right track and my plans are good. I’m already losing weight! And gosh 1500 calories is so much more doable than the 1200 I used to be on. And yeah having the bike means I can workout WHENEVER. And in the AC means I can go longer. I just burned 260 right before I wrote this I’m working out most every day which is fantastic! I can cook healthy dinners, clean up, get the kids to bed and not have to run off to the gym. I’m happy! 17 -
Looks like you are on the right track with the healthier meals and an exercise regimen with which you can stick. Ever thought about doing a few squats and lunges or taking stairs(if you have any) two at a time while holding your baby? Building muscle burns fat. Owning the muscle you just made burns fat. Slow and steady wins the healthier living race.3
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