Loving, but critical husband

13

Replies

  • Phirrgus
    Phirrgus Posts: 1,894 Member
    southrnchic479 wrote: »
    mojavemtbr wrote: »
    Gosh I cant believe these posts like this. There is another one on here farther down of a guy criticising his wife's looks and weight. Shallow men who themselves are most likely no where near a Greek God themselves.
    My wife is fairly overweight. And I have NEVER criticized her about her weight. Is her I love not the container she comes in. Do I wish she were slimmer ? Yes but only because it would be more beneficial for her health. But Ive never loved her any less because she is overweight.
    People sure can be dumbasses I guess

    Oh goodness. Where do I start? Seeing as the reason I started this thread has gone off the tracks (but really, it’s ok, I’ve gotten the reassurance I needed), I’m going to take a moment to say a few things on the subject that has derailed this whole thread, and maybe in the process enlighten some of y’all:

    My husband, though he doesn’t always choose his words wisely, has never ever ever equated that he loves me any less or values me any less because I have gained some pounds over the years.

    My husband is very honest, something that at first was foreign to me because although I come from a loving family, they have lied and covered up numerous things over the years that had they been revealed would have brought us closer. Point being, honesty in my marriage has made both room for us to grow closer together, as well as individual growth.

    Speaking of growth, God did not put me with someone exactly like me. He put me with someone who would challenge me. And believe me when I tell you I challenge him. My husband has taught me a lot about self discipline and doing the right thing even if it’s hard. I have taught him loads on being softer, gentler, and more understanding. But, news flash - we are ALL a WORK IN PROGRESS. Every day is a challenge to implement those things we have learned and are learning and sometimes we fall short!

    My husband is not just defined by his flaws, which in this case is his inability to ALWAYS communicate clearly and kindly.

    This man some of you are chastising is the same man who walks into the kitchen as I’m cooking, pulls me close for a hug, gives me a kiss and says “thank you for all you do for this family”

    It’s the same man who stepped in when my daughter was five years old and her dad stepped out. She now calls him daddy and she is “his girl” as he always says.

    It’s the same man who goes out of his way to make sure my mom and dad are taken care of when they are in need financially or physically need help with something around the house.

    It’s the same man who comes to me before making any decisions for our family and will only continue with my blessing.

    It’s the same man who has taken on the full financial burden so that I can stay home and fulfill my dream of raising our babies.

    It’s the same man who has worked hard to give me the things I want (last week, new appliances even though he reallllly wanted a new TV lol).

    It’s the same man who cared for me so lovingly and tenderly after my c-section, checking my incision, keeping up with my meds schedule, wrapping me with my support band, and reassuring me when I cried about the state of my body in the aftermath.

    The same man who told me how he didn’t think he could possibly love me any more than he already did, but then I went through what I did to give him a child, and now his love for me has just reached a whole new level.

    He just told me tonight of another friend of his getting a divorce. I say another because it seems it happens every other week. It saddens me that so many people out there think when they or others hit turbulence that it’s time to get out, or that that person is a “bad seed”. I think when you hit turbulence it’s an opportunity to grow!! For both people involved!

    So yes, I will tell my husband that I know he means well but this is a journey I have to do on my own and if I want his advice I will ask. And I will tell him that so we both can grow.

    I hope somebody out there gets something positive out of this. No person is perfect, which means no marriage is perfect. Marriage is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other. And sometimes that refusal to give up gets passionate and words are said in haste, but God didn’t create marriage so you could sit back on your haunches and never grow, He created marriage so you’d have a lifelong person with which to perfect His greatest commandment - TO LOVE.

    Anyway...I’m out!

    I don't think anyone else could have answered your concerns as well as you did here. Well said and God Bless. :)
  • JohnnytotheB
    JohnnytotheB Posts: 361 Member
    csplatt wrote: »
    I think you caught him in a moment of trying to be the expert, not a moment of intentional hurtfulness. Hugs

    I agree with her. That's all it was. You do what you can and what works for you to achieve your goals. You will be just fine.
  • Cahgetsfit
    Cahgetsfit Posts: 1,912 Member
    This turned into one of those eating popcorn gif insertions (I won't insert, i'm on desktop computer).

    All I wanted to say is that my husband thinks that all I need to do is a billion sit ups every single day and I will spot reduce my belly fat, so yeah.

    Oh - and if you like the recumbent bike OP - keep using it. Any exercise is exercise even if it doesn't give you a billion calories burnt or whatever.

    And also, once you are ready and able to, joining the gym and starting your weight training regardless of amount of fat you have on you will be great. Don't wait until you've lost x kilos to start weight training. Just get on it. YOu won't regret it.
  • southrnchic479
    southrnchic479 Posts: 136 Member
    Cahgetsfit wrote: »
    This turned into one of those eating popcorn gif insertions (I won't insert, i'm on desktop computer).

    All I wanted to say is that my husband thinks that all I need to do is a billion sit ups every single day and I will spot reduce my belly fat, so yeah.

    Oh - and if you like the recumbent bike OP - keep using it. Any exercise is exercise even if it doesn't give you a billion calories burnt or whatever.

    And also, once you are ready and able to, joining the gym and starting your weight training regardless of amount of fat you have on you will be great. Don't wait until you've lost x kilos to start weight training. Just get on it. YOu won't regret it.

    😂 it did turn into that 🤦🏻‍♀️

    Thanks for the motivation and support. I’m bringing out the dumbbells to start some strength training!
  • southrnchic479
    southrnchic479 Posts: 136 Member
    Crap I meant ARE enjoying your popcorn. Fail
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
    southrnchic479 wrote: »
    Crap I meant ARE enjoying your popcorn. Fail

    :lol: I knew what you meant (both there and in your OP). Sometimes you just need to vent a little. That doesn't mean you're lining up divorce attorneys.
  • southrnchic479
    southrnchic479 Posts: 136 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    southrnchic479 wrote: »
    Crap I meant ARE enjoying your popcorn. Fail

    :lol: I knew what you meant (both there and in your OP). Sometimes you just need to vent a little. That doesn't mean you're lining up divorce attorneys.

    Haha thanks for getting it! ;)
  • rbk2620
    rbk2620 Posts: 8 Member
    I lost my first 30 pounds in a bet with my husband to get him to stop smoking cigars. It took most of a year, but he's the one struggling now, lol!
    His body type and metabolism is very different from mine. I make food choices that are right for me now and just know I need to draw my motivation from other people. I don't love him any less.
  • stephmofo
    stephmofo Posts: 21 Member
    Don’t take this the wrong way .. but don’t be sfrsid of confrontation, don’t be afraid to help him be more considerate. Get into an argument with him if thats what it takes! You want to take working out slow, which is smart so you don’t get injured. Breastfeeding with an 8 month old with a mouthful of teeth, ouch. If he wants to help you, let him know how he can help through his actions, making a fruit salad, a smoothie, watching the baby so you can workout... being honest is an excellent trait but you have to be honest with him too! Give it right back when he’s preaching, not in an emotional way but in an honest straight to the point way.
  • Lietchi
    Lietchi Posts: 6,100 Member
    stephmofo wrote: »
    Don’t take this the wrong way .. but don’t be sfrsid of confrontation, don’t be afraid to help him be more considerate. Get into an argument with him if thats what it takes! You want to take working out slow, which is smart so you don’t get injured. Breastfeeding with an 8 month old with a mouthful of teeth, ouch. If he wants to help you, let him know how he can help through his actions, making a fruit salad, a smoothie, watching the baby so you can workout... being honest is an excellent trait but you have to be honest with him too! Give it right back when he’s preaching, not in an emotional way but in an honest straight to the point way.

    The last post was 9 months ago :wink: Although I'd be curious to know how OP is doing.
  • kristen8000
    kristen8000 Posts: 747 Member
    It's obvious that your husband doesn't really understand how this "weight loss" thing works.

    From Sept. 3rd to Nov. 9th of 2019 I lost 15lbs. I have a desk job, a 30 minute commute and I tend to be a couch potato. My workout's were walking the dog, who's a 20lb Schnauzer who things walks are for stopping to sniff things. Weight loss happens in the kitchen...

    From Nov. 9th (when I started on "maintainance" till now, I've lost another 7lbs. How? By eating less than my body burns.

    Now, I'm 41, and I'm not going to win any kind of fitness awards. But I'm currently sitting at a 20 BMI and feel great. When I started I was well in the "Healthy BMI" range for my height. So, it was vanity weight.

    I changed what I ate, how I ate and when I ate. That's it.

    Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't work out - I'm saying all this BS about sweating and working hard - is that, BS. You do you, do what you have to do to keep your calories in range per day and the weight will come off. But honestly, it sounds like you know that.

  • cherys
    cherys Posts: 387 Member
    I think this is a bit of men and women not speaking quite the same language. He probably genuinely thought he was giving useful advice and you have recognised that but also told us that it doesn;t help when he talks like that. You need to tell him that. Just say, "I know you meant to be helpful but my situation is different from yours. I'm recovering from birth, still breast feeding and these thing take a lot of energy, so I need to get into this gently. I'd love it if you'd support me by being encouraging about the small steps I take along the way as that would really motivate me, which is what I know you were aiming to do."
  • tony56pr
    tony56pr Posts: 141 Member
    I have to say this. You really do have to want it for you to accomplish any long lasting changes. First, diet is the majority of where it is and sweating has very little to do with "getting toned" (I've always worked outside for work(I'm a welder) etc every day and sweat severally during summer, I would never had been fat if that was the case). If all you are after is lifting to look good then high rep ranges (moderate or above exertion) along with proper steady state and interval training. (Dont go crazy with low intensity)

    And finally if your "coach" tells you to do nothing but bicep curls and calf raises get a new coach (I've seen way too much of this at gyms I've gone I've gone to). Compound movements are going to be best because they are working multiple muscles and you will gain more relative strength and muscle mass that way (especially as a beginner). Always can throw in isolation work after major compounds. Bench, squats, pulldowns/pullups, rows, deadlifts, Bulgarian split squats, pushups, step ups, etc. Not to mention variations of those and others. Then hit whatever you want to bring up with isolation work. This will take time dont expect to look totally different in two days and get discouraged.
  • stephmofo
    stephmofo Posts: 21 Member
    Lietchi wrote: »
    stephmofo wrote: »
    Don’t take this the wrong way .. but don’t be sfrsid of confrontation, don’t be afraid to help him be more considerate. Get into an argument with him if thats what it takes! You want to take working out slow, which is smart so you don’t get injured. Breastfeeding with an 8 month old with a mouthful of teeth, ouch. If he wants to help you, let him know how he can help through his actions, making a fruit salad, a smoothie, watching the baby so you can workout... being honest is an excellent trait but you have to be honest with him too! Give it right back when he’s preaching, not in an emotional way but in an honest straight to the point way.

    The last post was 9 months ago :wink: Although I'd be curious to know how OP is doing.
    Lietchi wrote: »
    stephmofo wrote: »
    Don’t take this the wrong way .. but don’t be sfrsid of confrontation, don’t be afraid to help him be more considerate. Get into an argument with him if thats what it takes! You want to take working out slow, which is smart so you don’t get injured. Breastfeeding with an 8 month old with a mouthful of teeth, ouch. If he wants to help you, let him know how he can help through his actions, making a fruit salad, a smoothie, watching the baby so you can workout... being honest is an excellent trait but you have to be honest with him too! Give it right back when he’s preaching, not in an emotional way but in an honest straight to the point way.

    The last post was 9 months ago :wink: Although I'd be curious to know how OP is doing.
    Lietchi wrote: »
    stephmofo wrote: »
    Don’t take this the wrong way .. but don’t be sfrsid of confrontation, don’t be afraid to help him be more considerate. Get into an argument with him if thats what it takes! You want to take working out slow, which is smart so you don’t get injured. Breastfeeding with an 8 month old with a mouthful of teeth, ouch. If he wants to help you, let him know how he can help through his actions, making a fruit salad, a smoothie, watching the baby so you can workout... being honest is an excellent trait but you have to be honest with him too! Give it right back when he’s preaching, not in an emotional way but in an honest straight to the point way.

    The last post was 9 months ago :wink: Although I'd be curious to know how OP is doing.

    oops! How do I erase a post thats already posted so I can prevent the comments after mine?
  • mkculs13
    mkculs13 Posts: 600 Member
    Whatever plan you can stick to sounds good to me. That is so much more important than anything else, no matter how slowly it might go (and I'm not saying your plan will go really slowly; IDK.) You don't say how much you want to lose, but if 135 is your goal again, you don't have much to lose and 1lb/week might be a bit ambitious. I'd say give it a go and adjust as needed. Also, are you breastfeeding and, if so, will 1500 be enough so you don't get too hungry over the long haul? Just something to consider.

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