Engagement hints?
Replies
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It's not about a ring. We could be engaged without a ring present. I could really care less about a ring. It doesn't have to happen now, I am only saying it would be nice. He knows that I don't particularly like NJ. I moved up here for the experience of moving somewhere different. He knows that if for whatever reason we broke up that I wouldn't stay up here. I want him to know I am only here for him in hopes that he doesn't waste my time. If he has no intention of getting married to me then I would like to know. I think he does intend on marrying me one day, that's why I'm here. I am just so sure of what I want, so it would be nice to know if he was sure too.
I don't know what he's waiting for. Could be the Jersey standard or he could be unsure.
Perhaps I want to know more of how I can open up the communication about the future without appearing pushy. If I know without a doubt that he's what I want, how long is a fair wait for him to declare/want the same.
You don't have to be engaged to know that someone wants to marry you. I responded to your comments the way I did because you are coming off (in this thread at least - I am not making a judgment here about you as a person) as pretty unreasonable and a little immature. If you want to know if he wants to marry you, then you might consider the following:
a) don't drop passive-aggressive "hints" about how angry you'll be if you stayed in NJ for "nothing" (because who wants to be referred to as nothing?)
b) treat the relationship with the respect that you would a marriage and have an open and honest discussion about it the issue. If this is so important to you, he deserves to know why, and you deserve to know where he stands.0 -
A guy should know after two years what his plans are for the relationship.
Bottom line is he should know by this point, IMO.
I've heard they know sooner than two years. But, it was heresay, so I could be wrong.0 -
FWIW...
As I read through your post, I get the feeling that you want the engagement to happen, in part, for the wrong reasons. Don't push an engagement because you are going to be seeing family and you want to share the news. Don't push the engagement because in TX everyone gets married earlier. Don't push the engagement because all your friends are married and have kids.
But by the same token, he shouldn't be delaying it simply because Jersey people don't get married until they are 30, or whatever else.
Get engaged and get married when it feels right. All this crap about age and everything else just muddies and already tough issue.
If you really love each other and are committed for the long term, then push for it. I get the feeling you are somewhat traditional about all this, so you proposing to him probably doesn't thrill you.
How long have you lived together? If you made it clear when you moved in things weren't progressing in the order you'd like them, then bring it up again. But to some extent, if he's not seriously thinking about proposing, marriage, long term etc, then you need to be ready for that. If he's not going to propose, are you going to stay with him? Is there a reason he's not proposing? These are all things you should be thinking about.
Love this ^^^^
My husband and I dated for 4 years, got engaged, bought a house, and didn't move in together until after we were married, and we have been together 25 yrs. Sounds like you are ready but he isn't......yet! It will happen, Im sure, but maybe it won't happen the you would like it to. I think dealing with everyone else saying, "you have dated how long and you aren't married yet?" was worse than the actual wait.
If this a real concern to you, then by all means talk to him about it. But do it w/o pressure...he's got to want this as much as you do. And if it turns out he doesn't want this, you have the right to know so you can move on
Best of luck to you! 0 -
A guy should know after two years what his plans are for the relationship.
Bottom line is he should know by this point, IMO.
I've heard they know sooner than two years. But, it was heresay, so I could be wrong.
While I agree with this in very general terms... there are a lot of circumstances that could change the conversation greatly.0 -
A guy should know after two years what his plans are for the relationship.
Bottom line is he should know by this point, IMO.
I've heard they know sooner than two years. But, it was heresay, so I could be wrong.
While I agree with this in very general terms... there are a lot of circumstances that could change the conversation greatly.
Assuming the relationship is good to begin with (i.e. they love each other, get along fine and there are no affairs or things like that), he should know in 2 years. You throw in any of the other stuff then maybe not.0 -
She was a slob. She left her clothes all over the place including the floor. I saw this at her apartment, and assumed because she was busy so she was this way. So I helped her clean up and organize it. It stayed pretty clean for a month or two, but then things started piling up.
So you're admitting you didn't need to live with her to know that she was a slob who couldn't keep her place clean. You knew that before you moved in with her.
This is why I never buy the "You have to live with someone to really know them" crap. True, you have to live with someone to pick up on the little day-to-day intricacies that might annoy you, but those things are not going to destroy a marriage that was meant to be. If you spend a significant amount of time with someone in their environment, you are going to see the big things that are non-negotiables to you.
If someone loves you enough that they want you around all the time ... that they want you to be a key part of their day-to-day life ... then they ought to love you enough to put a ring on your finger. Otherwise, you're just splitting the rent.0 -
Knowing in 2 years and just sharing the rent...hmmmm....
See, in the case of my husband & I, "marriage" was not that important to us. Neither of us are Catholic and neither of us want kids so "marriage" to us was nothing but a piece of paper. We committed ourself to each other loooonnnngggg before our marriage ceremony.
BUT. Everyone has different dreams, hopes, goals, definitions. That's why the OP needs to sit down with her boyfriend and talk.0 -
He'll marry you when he's ready. It seems like you want to be engaged so you'll have something to share with your family. And possibly seeking some acceptance/atta girl for your living with him. "Well, if we're engaged, it's okay that I broke my "rule" about living with a significant other."
Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, not the reasons that you think will appease the masses because trust me, the masses might be pleased, but if you're not AND he's not, it will never work.0 -
Hi. Well I live in Maryland, not far from NJ, it's not the norm here to wait til people are 30 or not, it's a personal choice. My fiancee and I have been together 6 1/2 years, we just got engaged over New Years this year, and won't be getting married for another 2 years or so... That's what has worked for us.. It's not about rushing. If you're going to be together forever, then what's the point in rushing?
I did drop hints to him before hand.. But honestly, most men don't "get" hints or clues, they need to be bluntly told. So honestly if you really want to get married, you should let him know your intentions NOW, don't beat around the bush about it. But be prepared for what he's going to say. If he and you aren't on the same page, then you really should move on.0 -
I'll talk to him after or during our San Diego trip. He doesn't appear to be bothered when people think I am his wife or he is my husband. We live in a house together so its a fair assumption. Neither of us are religous, but some of my family is. We stay with my brother and his family when we visit and its difficult to explain to the kids that we're not married even though we share a room and live together. Some of them have even started calling him Uncle Joe. Not sure how he feels about that, but I just told him that I thought it was sweet and that they must really like him to want him as their uncle. Guess I could leave all of the hinting to my family although it is so uncomfortable, lol.
I don't think I want an engagement for the wrong reasons. I believe they are valid. I am 1700 miles away from all of my family and friends. I would like to think it is for the man I want to marry and wants to marry me too. Also, I do think being a female that wants to have kids one day plays a role as well. I know I have plenty of time for kids, my biological clock is nowhere near screaming at me yet, but either way these are valuable years. I do in some ways feel like after 2 years 'either poop or get off the pot' like someone else said earlier. Marriage is very important to me and I feel like I'd rather know now whether its going to happen or not instead of just waiting and waiting. I would even elope and skip engagement altogether. lol. If I had it my way we would already be married. I hate this suspenseful waiting around for it crap.
The Thanksgiving thing is more of a, I want my family to be part of the excitement instead of the next time I see them it's at the wedding or we're already married thing. It would just be nice, but so far nothing has gone at the order or time that I would prefer, so why should this be any different?
Anyway, I'll try to make some comments about the future and see how things go until I just get up the nerve or lose the patience and ask 'Are you going to marry me or not?!'0 -
A guy should know after two years what his plans are for the relationship.
Bottom line is he should know by this point, IMO.
I've heard they know sooner than two years. But, it was heresay, so I could be wrong.
While I agree with this in very general terms... there are a lot of circumstances that could change the conversation greatly.
Assuming the relationship is good to begin with (i.e. they love each other, get along fine and there are no affairs or things like that), he should know in 2 years. You throw in any of the other stuff then maybe not.
like hiding, and then pulling out the "crazy" card half way in?0 -
This is the best advice. No one here can tell you how to address the subject with your boyfriend since your relationship is different. I can't tell you how to gracefully broach the subject since I would be very straightforward about it; think beforehand what your points are and outline them. Remember if you're having to twist his arm and argue with him, something isn't matching up. Be prepared for unpleasantness.Knowing in 2 years and just sharing the rent...hmmmm....
See, in the case of my husband & I, "marriage" was not that important to us. Neither of us are Catholic and neither of us want kids so "marriage" to us was nothing but a piece of paper. We committed ourself to each other loooonnnngggg before our marriage ceremony.
BUT. Everyone has different dreams, hopes, goals, definitions. That's why the OP needs to sit down with her boyfriend and talk.0 -
Oh yes, Thank you everybody for your comments and opinions. I do really appreciate it.
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A guy should know after two years what his plans are for the relationship.
Bottom line is he should know by this point, IMO.
I've heard they know sooner than two years. But, it was heresay, so I could be wrong.
While I agree with this in very general terms... there are a lot of circumstances that could change the conversation greatly.
Assuming the relationship is good to begin with (i.e. they love each other, get along fine and there are no affairs or things like that), he should know in 2 years. You throw in any of the other stuff then maybe not.
like hiding, and then pulling out the "crazy" card half way in?
Haha...yes. If all of the sudden there's a change in personality or behavior that could be a bad thing.0 -
OP: I know pretty much exactly how you feel.
I met my BF on the 'net, not eHarmony tho. I moved 700 miles to be with him. While I enjoy our relationship and like my life up here, I need to know if we're actually going to get married or not. We've been together for three years. Anytime marriage is mentioned, his response is always something like "yeah we're going to get married, but not yet." So instead we moved in together. We just bought a truck, things like that. I'm 27 years old. If we're NOT going to get married, I would like to know sooner rather than later so I can move on.
It's not that I'm in a rush to get married. I just need a more formal confirmation that our relationship is going to progress to the next level. I'm not after babies or anything like that. I just want something more than "yeah sure, we'll get married one day."
I do feel as if my BF loves me dearly, and I do honestly enjoy being with him. But I don't want to date for 5+ years only to be told that he doesn't really think we're going to get married. While I feel totally committed to him and to our future, this perpetual "one day" leaves me somewhat questioning whether he reciprocates the entirety of those feelings. He says nothing will change if we get married, so why rush. I contend that nothing will change, so why wait.
While there isn't a "timeline" for life, I don't want to be in my mid-30s trying to form a new relationship with the hopes of marriage and maybe children one day.
It's a huge thing to move away to be with someone. It's scary. I totally understand the need for a confirmation of the seriousness of your relationship.0 -
Just playing devil's advocate at this point to get you thinking about things a little differently...
Seems to me it should be for the man you love and who loves you.I am 1700 miles away from all of my family and friends. I would like to think it is for the man I want to marry and wants to marry me too.Also, I do think being a female that wants to have kids one day plays a role as well. I know I have plenty of time for kids, my biological clock is nowhere near screaming at me yet, but either way these are valuable years.
You can be a woman and have kids without being married, especially since neither of you are religious.Marriage is very important to me
Is it more important to you than he is? What if he says he loves you dearly and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but doesn't like/believe in marriage. Would you leave him in that situation?0 -
Jacksonpt and Mom2rh have it right! I couldn't have said it better myself.0
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FWIW...
As I read through your post, I get the feeling that you want the engagement to happen, in part, for the wrong reasons. Don't push an engagement because you are going to be seeing family and you want to share the news. Don't push the engagement because in TX everyone gets married earlier. Don't push the engagement because all your friends are married and have kids.
But by the same token, he shouldn't be delaying it simply because Jersey people don't get married until they are 30, or whatever else.
Get engaged and get married when it feels right. All this crap about age and everything else just muddies and already tough issue.
If you really love each other and are committed for the long term, then push for it. I get the feeling you are somewhat traditional about all this, so you proposing to him probably doesn't thrill you.
How long have you lived together? If you made it clear when you moved in things weren't progressing in the order you'd like them, then bring it up again. But to some extent, if he's not seriously thinking about proposing, marriage, long term etc, then you need to be ready for that. If he's not going to propose, are you going to stay with him? Is there a reason he's not proposing? These are all things you should be thinking about.
I love everything he said and would like to add that perhaps you should just say: "i've been thinking alot lately about when you said 'moving in is a pre-engagement step' and i just wondered when you think we might be taking that next step?" and you can even tell him that you'd love to be able to share that when the whole family gets together if he thinks that he is ready. then. after you've had your discussion DONT hint anything and DONT pester. you'll have expressed your stance and it will be his turn to show you where he stands. just dont be afraid to have an honest and direct conversation with him about it. being a woman doesnt mean that you cant (politely) speak your mind.0 -
Anyway, I'll try to make some comments about the future and see how things go until I just get up the nerve or lose the patience and ask 'Are you going to marry me or not?!'
I actually asked my BF this over dinner a few months ago. He hemmed and hawed about me putting him on the spot. Said that he was actually going to ask me this year, but now he'd have to change everything because I know it's coming. (Doesn't really make sense considering I know no details at all.)
He seemed shocked that I would suggest leaving if he wasn't going to marry me. But honestly, don't waste my time. At this point in my life, I don't want to be dragged along until you decide that you're done with me. If you love me, marry me. If not. then have the decency to just tell me. After three years (two of which we have lived together), you know whether or not I'm wife material or not. Put a ring on it, or let me go.0 -
No what I'm admitting is that I cared about her enough even though she was a slob,and I was considering being with her forever. We were fine when we lived in separate apartments. She was over at my place more than I was at hers. So unfortunately I didn't see her environment enough to figure out this would end up being a non negotiable to me.So you're admitting you didn't need to live with her to know that she was a slob who couldn't keep her place clean. You knew that before you moved in with her.
This is why I never buy the "You have to live with someone to really know them" crap. True, you have to live with someone to pick up on the little day-to-day intricacies that might annoy you, but those things are not going to destroy a marriage that was meant to be. If you spend a significant amount of time with someone in their environment, you are going to see the big things that are non-negotiables to you.
If someone loves you enough that they want you around all the time ... that they want you to be a key part of their day-to-day life ... then they ought to love you enough to put a ring on your finger. Otherwise, you're just splitting the rent.
Just from what I see (with friends and family) the ones who lived together first are still together. The ones who got married and then lived together, are no longer together. Anecdotal yes, but I'm sure most people would like to get an idea before they tie the knot.
In fact I'll start a thread on it.0 -
This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
wow... watch much lifetime?
bahahaha... that's what I thought too!!0 -
Are you the same one that insisted in another thread that guys and girls couldn't be platonic friends?This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.0 -
So are you saying that you love him dearly and you both know you want to be together but if you don't get a marriage license then it all means nothing and you'll leave him?
I'm just playing devils advocate a little here. Think about which is more important: him or some mental deadline you have. Everyone has their own opinions on marriage but if you already moved in together I'm left to assume (I've been wrong before though) that your concern has little to do with religious conflict/ moral grounds.
I'd just hate to see this turn into a situation where he felt cornered, marriage was rushed, and then down the road resentment set in. --- hopefully that's not too scary a thing to say i just want you to look at this from all the angles you can.0 -
So are you saying that you love him dearly and you both know you want to be together but if you don't get a marriage license then it all means nothing and you'll leave him?
I'm just playing devils advocate a little here. Think about which is more important: him or some mental deadline you have. Everyone has their own opinions on marriage but if you already moved in together I'm left to assume (I've been wrong before though) that your concern has little to do with religious conflict/ moral grounds.
I'd just hate to see this turn into a situation where he felt cornered, marriage was rushed, and then down the road resentment set in. --- hopefully that's not too scary a thing to say i just want you to look at this from all the angles you can.
i agree0 -
Do what i did.... get a ring and ASK HIM!!! Why do you have to wait for him to ask you is my question?? If it's that important to you, then take innitiative. Then you'll definately have your answer.
This is what I did0 -
So are you saying that you love him dearly and you both know you want to be together but if you don't get a marriage license then it all means nothing and you'll leave him?
I'm just playing devils advocate a little here. Think about which is more important: him or some mental deadline you have. Everyone has their own opinions on marriage but if you already moved in together I'm left to assume (I've been wrong before though) that your concern has little to do with religious conflict/ moral grounds.
I'd just hate to see this turn into a situation where he felt cornered, marriage was rushed, and then down the road resentment set in. --- hopefully that's not too scary a thing to say i just want you to look at this from all the angles you can.
i agree
I never said if he doesn't get me a marriage license I'm going to leave him. I would only leave him if I knew he didn't want to marry me. The thing is I don't want to waste a ton of time only to find out he isn't. I feel like I am being clear, but people are still completely misunderstanding me. Even though I am not that religous, that doesn't mean I don't have moral grounds. I went completely against what I thought was morally right to live with him. I did this because he made it sound like it was 1 step closer to the next step of our relationship. I feel like by now he should know what he wants from our relationship, if not, I don't know how long is a reasonable wait when I have known for almost 2 years. I'm not worried so much about when we get married, at this point I would like to know whether it's going to happen or not so that I can cut my losses if I need to. I want my relationship to be without a doubt past the point of him just telling me what I want to hear. I feel like engagement is a way of confirming that. That would tell me he wants to spend his life with me and doesn't care if everyone knows about it. If I didn't move in with him then we would have had to commute and we both have pets and work a lot. We would barely get to see each other at all and I didn't see that as a course of action that would bring us any closer.
If he doesn't want to marry me, then of course I would leave him. I'm not saying he has to marry me right now though. I don't know how so many words get so twisted and put in my mouth.0 -
So are you saying that you love him dearly and you both know you want to be together but if you don't get a marriage license then it all means nothing and you'll leave him?
If he leads me on for years under the impression that one day we will, in fact, be married, then yes I would leave.
Why? Because he has lied to me and used me.
There's a little more to it than just the marriage license and wedding. I don't want to spent 5, 10, 15 years building a life with someone without any sort of protection. I'm not talking about taking stuff in a divorce. But if my BF dies, I do not automatically inherit any of the things we have worked TOGETHER to attain but are listed in his name. If he is injured and hospitalized, I'm not considered legal family and as such would not be given information or allowed to see him.0 -
I never said if he doesn't get me a marriage license I'm going to leave him. I would only leave him if I knew he didn't want to marry me. The thing is I don't want to waste a ton of time only to find out he isn't. I feel like I am being clear, but people are still completely misunderstanding me. Even though I am not that religous, that doesn't mean I don't have moral grounds. I went completely against what I thought was morally right to live with him. I did this because he made it sound like it was 1 step closer to the next step of our relationship. I feel like by now he should know what he wants from our relationship, if not, I don't know how long is a reasonable wait when I have known for almost 2 years. I'm not worried so much about when we get married, at this point I would like to know whether it's going to happen or not so that I can cut my losses if I need to. I want my relationship to be without a doubt past the point of him just telling me what I want to hear. I feel like engagement is a way of confirming that. That would tell me he wants to spend his life with me and doesn't care if everyone knows about it. If I didn't move in with him then we would have had to commute and we both have pets and work a lot. We would barely get to see each other at all and I didn't see that as a course of action that would bring us any closer.
If he doesn't want to marry me, then of course I would leave him. I'm not saying he has to marry me right now though. I don't know how so many words get so twisted and put in my mouth.
I totally, 100% completely know where you're coming from.0 -
If he's not ready to ask he's probably not ready to get hitched.
Agreed, he will ask you when he is ready. I would love to be engaged to my boyfriend, however I would like him to get to that decison on his own not because I have pushed him or hinted him into doing so.0 -
i'm not trying to misconstrue your words, but if he said that moving in together was a precursor to engagement wouldn't it be fair to say that he does have intentions to marry you? or when you asked him if he had intentions to marry you did he just blow it off? because it sounds like he plans to and just wants to do it in his own time0
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