what do you think if your spouse/so said to you:

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Replies

  • Trixtabella
    Trixtabella Posts: 471 Member
    Sincerely, I beg you not to take advice here on your marriage. This is a MARRIAGE. This isn't a fight over who at the last Sargento Reduced Fat Individually Wrapped String Cheese with my initials clearly Sharpied on the package.

    This is years of love, struggle, arguments, loss, laughter, caring, possibly children...

    Try to find a way to have a calm conversation about the two of you and your future together. Better yet some counseling with a moderator to help you communicate.

    I am rarely serious... But asking strangers who are all tainted by their own experiences about something so very personal can not end well. And marriage, as well as the decision to stay in it or end it, should be taken seriously.

    This is the best internet advice...ever. And I'm not just saying that because it closely resembles my own. The internet can be a horrid tool for destruction when it comes to relationship advice...and that's really pretty much the end of it.

    And odusgolp...I also noted your initial post in this thread. You're clearly one of a rare (unfortunately anymore) breed of woman. I am very lucky in that my girlfriend is of a similar mold.

    Hat's off hun.

    What both of these two said. If you really want you relationship work you need to talk when you are both calm. Also personally I wouldn't talk to people on here about it. The only person who can answer your questions is him.
  • keljo05
    keljo05 Posts: 173
    please understand i'm not taking internet advice and using it as rock solid decisions here.. just that comment really stuck out. (oh and the emphasis was that he didn't sleep with ALL of them.. ) I just needed a moment to vent and I'd heard/read in the past that the one accusing can often be the one that has already done it.

    if interested...

    the back story is that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive ( oh and he tries financially). I've researched it and printed and higlighted it to show him when he's in his good moments. he's actually said to me that as long as he doesn't hit me its not abuse. he is selfish and if the world does not revolve around him and his health and his needs then he has temper tantrums. The average time span is a week to 10 days for a regular tantrum and about once a month for the week long nit pick tantrum which has been this week.

    he will not go for counseling because it costs money and he thinks if he ignores the issues they go away so he won't even look for a low cost or free one even though we can afford a regular fee. He spends money like no tomorrow and everything is HIS... because he paid for it. Yet I'm the one thats worked 2 or 3 jobs ( in the past, only 1 now) and never had any money to show for it. When he was in charge of bills we almost lost our previous apartment twice as well as got behind on all the bills.

    when he nearly died in November I was willing to work on the marriage again and tried. I ignored the snippy attitude because he was frustrated. He's lost his sight ( all reversible) over the last 3 months and has cataract surgery monday morning to restore it partially until the bleeding can be cleared up to restore it fully. Because of this I do EVERYTHING. I work, i clean, when home DS is all mine ( which is fine with me) but DH complains and gets nasty when things aren't done the way he wants. All he does is sit in the recliner and watch tv. I've watched him nearly die thru his own lack of care with diabetes ( he's non compliant and thinks he's fooled all the dr's when he's fooled no one).. and the truth is I'm still watching him die.. he was just back in the hospital last month for sepsis again. I'm expected to jump at his slightest need and he feels the need to have to remind me to do things. I can live on my own just fine .. and I have. I don't ask him for anything because he never gives anything back to anyone. He takes and takes and takes and then gets mad when its not fast enough. Then turns around and tells lies about me to his family when i stand up for myself.

    I've talked to him ( calmly and rationally with all the right ways) to get it thru to him that I'm exhausted and drained and frustrated too. I'm brushed aside and told I don't understand what its like for him. His parents have heard how he talks to me and have on numerous occasions have tried to calmly talk to him about how thats not how a marriage works, my best friend has tried several times but he does not want to hear it. He is never wrong there is an excuse for everything. He's not taken responsibility for anything ever. I've dealt with several issues that I needed the support of my husband.. and been brushed aside for everyone else. I've been telling him for 5 years that he needs to understand that I'm not going to be there when he's ready to make time for me. Bear in mind this temper tantrum behavior is a normal for him and not something that has only developed since his heart attack in November.

    I've been advised by countless people to take a break or move on.. friends as well as professional counselors ( that was an interesting conversation) and my view was that I took vows and to me thats not to be taken lightly and i tried. I've tried different ways to get thru to him and I've told him how he can best support me in bad times or how I need XYZ during times of stress or arguments with him. Never ever once has any boundry or request been acted on. Everything is his way.. no excuses and my ways are wrong so he tells me how I'm supposed to be. last night was too much and I just got tired of the constant battles. Not to mention I see him doing it to our son who is only 4 and DH thinks that DS should be a stepford child who only gets told something once and can do it perfectly and do it immediately when told.
  • Majunta
    Majunta Posts: 575
    .....Not to mention I see him doing it to our son who is only 4 and DH thinks that DS should be a stepford child who only gets told something once and can do it perfectly and do it immediately when told.
    We often repeat what we learn....your child is the innocent victim here that does not have a choice or a voice. It is a possibility that your child will grow to be just like his dad if things don't change.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,366 Member
    Your backstory is another example of why I would never be married. You're stuck with a guy who treats you like crap and won't do anything about it because *your* views of your vows have him locked in no matter what he does.

    The truth: He won't change ************BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE TO************* You won't do anything if he doesn't, and he's comfortable not giving a *kitten* about your feelings of well-being.

    Honestly, your friends and the counselor are right.... you need to go. Work on your marriage from a distance. It's going to consume you. This issue you've raised today is one of many "small things he said" that will pile up and drive you absolutely mad.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    If MY husband said that, absolutely not. But then I can't imagine him accusing me of an affair either. I don't know if your husband is the type to say that stuff when it's not true or not, but it's not the kind of thing I, personally, could live with.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,311 Member
    Only you can know whether your marriage is saveable. No one else here knows the details, or your feelings.


    I think if there is love, everything else can be surmounted. If there isn't, nothing will save it. That is for you alone to decide.


    From a personal standpoint, I couldn't be with a jealous man. If someone accused me of infidelity I would be out of the door, or he would. Jealousy is one trait I cannot live with.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,366 Member
    Oh man, your son is being verbally abused too. Do you really not have enough balls to want more for yourself and your child? What's more important, your vows? Or your child's emotional wellbeing? Since people who matter to you (his family, your friends, etc.) can't seem to get through to you, I don't know WTF you want from here. I rarely say anything to anyone on this board about the stupid decisions they make, but you're sitting here wondering if you got cheated on while your husband is squeezing the self-esteem out of not only you but your 4 year old.... *head-scratch* Really?!

    I'm not of the "Oh he can change" camp. He won't. People don't change unless they HAVE to.
  • cedarhurst2006
    cedarhurst2006 Posts: 378 Member
    I'm sad to hear that you and your family are having a difficult time. It appears as though you recognize that you both need counseling. I think that if your husband doesn't want to attend, you should take it upon yourself to go on your own and seek help from a professional. This forum is not for a professional opinion which is what you need. We all have issues and I could write a huge post myself regarding my last two years, but this is a fitness and health forum. I know that the chit-chat, fun and games message board can relate to many topics, but I think your situation should be handled by a local professional. Once you get your personal house in order, I'm sure your physical health will continue to improve as well. I wish you and your family good luck and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,311 Member
    BTW, "vows" are irrelevant. If he isn't upholding the vows he took (to love, honour, etc), then they are already broken. In a relationship, love is was matters. The rest is irrelevant human construct. If there is love, you can mend it. If there isn't, there's no point.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    It seems to me your decision is already made. So now would be the perfect time to act upon it, especially before your son gets any older.

    No excuses. Not the cataracts. Not the need to know whether or not their were affairs (doesn't really seem to matter). Not fear of being alone... Lawyers... Money.... No excuses.

    You need to be decisive, strong, and firm in your decision & expectations for the sake of that little for year old if not for yourself.

    I wish you, and that little boy, nothing but the best.
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
    What would I think? My marriage would be over. In an instant.

    It happens often where one partner will accuse the other of cheating when in fact, they are the cheater. Without trust, you have nothing. In your shoes, I'd get tested for STDs and get a lawyer.
  • ahavoc
    ahavoc Posts: 464 Member
    At this point it is no longer about him or you or vows or your marriage, it is only about your child. Words hurt as bad a fists. If it was me, I'd get my child away first and foremost, and never, ever, no matter how many promises (which will all be broken), or how much threatening, (have a recorder hidden and running), allow that man into my child's life again and nothing would stop me.
  • jenny95662
    jenny95662 Posts: 997 Member
    Sincerely, I beg you not to take advice here on your marriage. This is a MARRIAGE. This isn't a fight over who at the last Sargento Reduced Fat Individually Wrapped String Cheese with my initials clearly Sharpied on the package.

    This is years of love, struggle, arguments, loss, laughter, caring, possibly children...

    Try to find a way to have a calm conversation about the two of you and your future together. Better yet some counseling with a moderator to help you communicate.

    I am rarely serious... But asking strangers who are all tainted by their own experiences about something so very personal can not end well. And marriage, as well as the decision to stay in it or end it, should be taken seriously.

    i agree you need to do this on your own we cant tell you what to do we were not there no nothing about any of it so its hard to give advice i say go talk with him and try to both do it calmly. its easy to get mad (i know ) but try!
  • deeharley
    deeharley Posts: 1,208 Member
    Sincerely, I beg you not to take advice here on your marriage. This is a MARRIAGE. This isn't a fight over who at the last Sargento Reduced Fat Individually Wrapped String Cheese with my initials clearly Sharpied on the package.

    This is years of love, struggle, arguments, loss, laughter, caring, possibly children...

    Try to find a way to have a calm conversation about the two of you and your future together. Better yet some counseling with a moderator to help you communicate.

    I am rarely serious... But asking strangers who are all tainted by their own experiences about something so very personal can not end well. And marriage, as well as the decision to stay in it or end it, should be taken seriously.

    ^^^ This.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    The truth: He won't change ************BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE TO************* You won't do anything if he doesn't, and he's comfortable not giving a *kitten* about your feelings of well-being.

    Honestly, your friends and the counselor are right.... you need to go. Work on your marriage from a distance.

    Another true gem of a post...assuming all you've said is true, and just from the way you wrote it...I fully believe you.
    It seems to me your decision is already made. So now would be the perfect time to act upon it, especially before your son gets any older.

    No excuses. Not the cataracts. Not the need to know whether or not their were affairs (doesn't really seem to matter). Not fear of being alone... Lawyers... Money.... No excuses.

    You need to be decisive, strong, and firm in your decision & expectations for the sake of that little for year old if not for yourself.

    I wish you, and that little boy, nothing but the best.

    I agree. I have custody of my children...for this specific reason. Their mother has severe emotional issues that...well...they are devastating to the people around her. It's NOT her fault...but she refuses to do anything about them, and so...my choice was protect my children, or protect her feelings.

    As a parent, the ONLY choice, is the former.
  • danimoon67
    danimoon67 Posts: 38 Member
    OH Kelly, I was so hoping things were going better for you. I think it's time to move on. You are so strong and your DH is holding you back. I haven't a single doubt in my mind that you and DS will be so much better off without DH and his family. You've given him enough chances. I also agree at this point it really doesn't matter if he cheated or not, he's not worthy of you and your son. Send him back to his mom and dad and let them deal with it.

    Million hugs to you and DS.