Friend making unwise choices
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HoneyBadger302
Posts: 1,974 Member
One of my best friends is working to lose some weight (she's done it many years ago, so not her first go-around), and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut and be supportive when I know the choices she's making are a) unsafe/unhealthy, b) not sustainable, and c) things I know she won't stick with.
I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.
On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.
Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....
I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.
On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.
Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....
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Replies
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Not much you can do, unfortunately. Try the compliment sandwich. Were it me, I'd probably say something like "I'm proud of you for trying to make a change to get healthy. I know you don't want advice, so I won't give you any, but I want you to know that I'm worried that the specific eating plan you're embarking on is unsafe and unsustainable. I care about you, and so I couldn't in good conscience watch you do this without making sure you knew how I felt. You're my friend, and I have your back, so if you ever want to talk about this, I'm here."14
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HoneyBadger155 wrote: »One of my best friends is working to lose some weight (she's done it many years ago, so not her first go-around), and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut and be supportive when I know the choices she's making are a) unsafe/unhealthy, b) not sustainable, and c) things I know she won't stick with.
I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.
On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.
Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....
Bolded: Then don't hint or give any advice. She is an adult and if she makes unwise choices it is not your responsibility to do anything about it. Just try and be an example and hope that she asks eventually.
The good news is that at her weight she has a lot of fat stores to protect her. The bad news is that she will most likely fail and possibly have more fat stores next time she tries.24 -
HoneyBadger155 wrote: »One of my best friends is working to lose some weight (she's done it many years ago, so not her first go-around), and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut and be supportive when I know the choices she's making are a) unsafe/unhealthy, b) not sustainable, and c) things I know she won't stick with.
I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.
On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.
Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....
Bolded: Then don't hint or give any advice. She is an adult and if she makes unwise choices it is not your responsibility to do anything about it. Just try and be an example and hope that she asks eventually.
The good news is that at her weight she has a lot of fat stores to protect her. The bad news is that she will most likely fail and possibly have more fat stores next time she tries.
QFT. OP, leave it alone. If and when she's ready to heed your advice, she'll ask for it.14 -
HoneyBadger155 wrote: »One of my best friends is working to lose some weight (she's done it many years ago, so not her first go-around), and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut and be supportive when I know the choices she's making are a) unsafe/unhealthy, b) not sustainable, and c) things I know she won't stick with.
I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.
On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.
Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....
Bolded: Then don't hint or give any advice. She is an adult and if she makes unwise choices it is not your responsibility to do anything about it. Just try and be an example and hope that she asks eventually.
The good news is that at her weight she has a lot of fat stores to protect her. The bad news is that she will most likely fail and possibly have more fat stores next time she tries.
Agreed.
Based on her weight, she's got some time before unhealthy/unsafe decisions actually become unhealthy/unsafe. Hopefully things moderate out a bit before that.7 -
I'm curious how she's trying to lose the weight this time. Unhealthy could be mean anything depending on the person.
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If you make a change yourself, she might ask you about it and she might express an interest in joining. Or, it's possible your success intimidates her.
Go for walks together or some other physical activity, or even have lunch. Lots to do without making it unwanted advice.5 -
Ya, that's pretty much where I'm at, but she wants me to be her support system, which I've already agreed to do, and I know she could use a support system. I'll give it some time and see if things level out a bit, even if her dedication is through the roof I would think things will tend to level out and I'll just do my best to help her keep from rebounding when the time comes.2
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I would ask if her doctor approves of the extreme changes. But I agree with what these folks are saying too. It's hard to watch a friend make harmful choices, but they need to figure it out themselves. You can't force them to change.0
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HoneyBadger155 wrote: »One of my best friends is working to lose some weight (she's done it many years ago, so not her first go-around), and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut and be supportive when I know the choices she's making are a) unsafe/unhealthy, b) not sustainable, and c) things I know she won't stick with.
I really want to be supportive as I'm working on myself as well, and I know she could use the support. She is obese (upwards of 300+ pounds, F, ~42, ~5'9"). She is trying to limit herself to 1200 calories (or less) and trying to add in exercise at the same time.
On the one hand I totally get that she's made up her mind and she wants the weight gone, but I also can see that in the past she went from overweight, to obese, to tiny (claims a size 4), and back to obese in a matter of years. She's my friend and I care about her health and that she feels good, both inside and outside, and I know her choices are setting her up for failure.
Besides gentle hints (she's made it clear she doesn't want my advice), have you had success helping someone make wiser choices? I'm thinking of finding some articles that could pertain to both of us, from actual experts, as suggested reading (as in, "hey, I read this great article, thought it might interest you, too") but otherwise don't really have any great ideas on how to be super supportive without condoning what she's doing....
A lot of people gasp at 1200, but I've been doing that for about 6 months ranging between 1000-1400 with the exercise. I've learned my metabolism is quite slow - I'm also in my 40's. Anything over about 1600 I gain weight. I've lost close to 40 lbs over 7 months, have logged every day - I work with a nutritionist, and get my labs done. My body is quite healthy now - I do water exercise only pretty much 4 times a week, my life is typically sedentary. Sooo, yes 1200 can be done badly based on choices (I have very little liquid calories, majority is food I need - an occasional splurge of chocolate or tortilla chips), but it can also be done properly, based on nutritional selections. I'd recommend that you support her and encourage her to work with a nutritionist who specializes in weight loss. However if your friend is working out every day for 2-3 hours, yes she will not have the calories likely she needs.15 -
Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes. If she does not want advice and is not in obvious, immediate danger, then let her do her thing. Maybe she'll ask for advice, maybe she'll figure out what works for her on her own, maybe she'll fail (hopefully not).3
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If she won't listen to you, just be an example for her. You're losing weight the healthy way, and she knows how you're doing it, so maybe when she throws in the towel and gains weight again, she'll think, "Hey, my friend is looking pretty good these days. Maybe I should try it their way!"5
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With over 80% of people that lose weight gaining it all back within 5 years, some who gain even more weight, the question of sustainability is true for over 80% of us, no matter how the weight is lost.
She’s an adult. Has done this before. Knows herself better than anyone. Support her. Give advice if she asks.4 -
If it is feasible, I would plan on eating a least one meal a week with her. That could set the table for a discussion on wise food choices, portion control, mindful eating, etc. You can be supportive by showing solidarity. 1200 calories a day is not starvation if she is watching her macros and she should see results soon but rapid loss can lead to other health issues. She should talk to her doctor.6
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If it is feasible, I would plan on eating a least one meal a week with her. That could set the table for a discussion on wise food choices, portion control, mindful eating, etc. You can be supportive by showing solidarity. 1200 calories a day is not starvation if she is watching her macros and she should see results soon but rapid loss can lead to other health issues. She should talk to her doctor.
If I was the person trying to lose weight, and my friend started making unwanted comments on my weight loss efforts when we had lunch together, I would do everything possible to not have lunch with that person anymore.23 -
Sometimes you have to fail hard to see that certain paths aren't the best. I did this many times. Let her make her mistakes and be there when she needs a friend to vent/cry to.4
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If it is feasible, I would plan on eating a least one meal a week with her. That could set the table for a discussion on wise food choices, portion control, mindful eating, etc. You can be supportive by showing solidarity. 1200 calories a day is not starvation if she is watching her macros and she should see results soon but rapid loss can lead to other health issues. She should talk to her doctor.
If I was the person trying to lose weight, and my friend started making unwanted comments on my weight loss efforts when we had lunch together, I would do everything possible to not have lunch with that person anymore.
If I understood the first post here, I don't think the idea was that I make unsolicited comments, but more just the whole "setting an example" and having regular in face interactions which could lead to discussions if friend asked questions or the conversation went there naturally.
Since my friend doesn't live close by, it's not really an option in this particular case anyways.1 -
What's the dynamic like between you two? Do you talk about your approaches, struggles, successes, etc? If so, you can be somewhat passive aggressive about the things you're doing/learning and where you're succeeding/failing in hopes that it osmoses in for her. Obviously that's a pretty fine line to walk, but...1
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I would have to say something or my head would explode. However, I wouldn’t expect it to go well.
My tactic would be to talk about diets in general without ever mentioning her or what she’s doing, since you are both working on your weight. Something like, “I was reading about how people who have lost a bunch of weight and kept it off long term did it, and it turns out most people who are successful long term do X. I think it’s worth a try for me. What do you think?”
Asking someone for advice is more likely to be well received than giving unsolicited advice, and will at least force her to think through what she’s doing.2 -
It is really hard to see someone you care about is struggling. But in the end they're an adult and it sounds like they aren't interested in advice, which is too bad, but often (unfortunately) the case.
Some folks learn best the hard way.
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By the way, you can mention that your buddy online who started at a similar weight as her and lost 125 lbs also lost a bunch of hair six months after starting because of carrying too steep a deficit in the beginning.4
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