Friend making unwise choices

Losing battle. People do what they do with dieting based on things that are deep inside. Not dieting at all is a choice. Taking a moderate and steady approach is a choice. Launching an extreme, unrealistic diet that will fail within 4-6 weeks (if not sooner) is a choice. That choice is based on a lot of internal factors such as self-esteem, ability to methodically work toward long-term goals in general, private and perhaps not fully conscious/articulated beliefs about whether ambitious goals can really be achieved or not, whether the work that is required to achieve the goal is even something the person honestly wants to do (a big assumption which is not at all the same thing as "I want to be thin"), and so on. External factors like someone offering advice are very low on the totem pole of what makes dieting behavior happen.

I have a very close relation who is in a more dire situation than the above, in terms of weight/height. She has struggled with weight and self-esteem issues her entire life and it has gotten worse in recent years. Meanwhile, my wife and I have been plugging away for months at a moderately paced but disciplined and structured program of reasonable CICO, daily exercise, and IF. The results are visible on us now and our relation is getting the hint that everyone needs to get on board this train. But she careens back and forth between starving herself, going on uncontrolled food binges, eating highly processed frozen food because it's calorie controlled, then not eating it because it tastes like crap and going out for fast food, then losing 3 pounds and needing a big reward, which of course is food and lots of it, then buying small calorie controlled snacks and then eating all of them one night, and so on and on. An endless cycle a lot of us are familiar with and can sympathize with. We have tried to talk to / help her with this for 20+ years and recently, tried to nudge her toward strict but moderate/comfortable calorie counting, healthy eating, getting some damn exercise, and maybe thinking about IF since her big problem is nighttime snacking. Nothing works.

The reason it doesn't work is, simply, that she isn't ready to do something that works. A workable plan would take effort and faith in the plan and wouldn't offer a lot of immediate reward. She's still in the chaotic phase of "I'm hungry ... I went over a friend's house and there was a buffet so the whole week is shot ... I need to lose 100+ pounds ... I feel ashamed and terrible about myself ... I deserve a break ... I feel terrible for taking a break ..."

If and when she gets to "OK, enough nonsense, I am going to count and log and lose 2 lbs per week", then she'll do it. No one else can do it for her. It has to come from inside. When someone is ready for it, they do it right.

It is much easier to fail at 1200 calories in a month than to succeed at 1600 calories over the course of a year or two.

The best thing you can do is listen to her. When she loses a few pounds, cheer with her. When she gains a few, be sympathetic. You don’t have to agree with her methods in order to be supportive.

Think for a moment how you have felt when someone--even someone meaning to be kind--offers you unsolicited advice. Think about how much it hurts. Think about how resentful you feel towards that person.

If she said she doesn't want your advice, don't give it. Don't hint, don't suggest, don't allude.

Love her. Accept her.