How to get over being sad and lonely
fastfoodietofitcutie
Posts: 523 Member
Warning, this is going to be a pathetic post. I just can’t find anyone. I’m in my 40’s, single, no kids. In a hook up culture no one wants a relationship anymore. I was opposed to dating someone with kids and finally caved since I’m eliminating a large percentage of the dating pool. Dated someone for a few months and it ended in an epic disaster (just like I thought dating someone with kids would) due to scheduling and custody issues.
I know I need more hobbies. It just sucks doing everything alone. I’m the only single person in my family and all my friends are married so even though we get together once in a while I’m mostly alone.
Ok, pity party rant over.
I know I need more hobbies. It just sucks doing everything alone. I’m the only single person in my family and all my friends are married so even though we get together once in a while I’m mostly alone.
Ok, pity party rant over.
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I am a single mom but have put dating men on pause. I'm not looking forward to getting back into it.3
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I met my late husband on a dating website. He let me know right away that he had a 6 y.o. son. I told him that as long as he wasn't a brat, that was fine. Was I looking for a guy with a kid? No. Am I grateful it happened? You bet I am.
Yes, his ex-wife was horrible. Yes, she interfered in our lives in very negative ways. Did I learn to deal with her diplomatically? Yes.
I will never forget the day that both father and son proposed to me. I will always treasure the moments the three of us shared. I lost my husband to ALS a year ago. My stepson still comes up to visit. In fact, he'll be here tomorrow.
Don't let one bad experience limit your dating pool.22 -
I have been single for seven years now. I have my bouts with loneliness but I have many hobbies to keep me busy. My dog keeps me company a lot too! For the most part, I am quite happy being by myself.
I knit and I do weekly activities with my knitting group. I also read and am part of a knitting club who meets monthly. I am also very active (I run and hike and circuit train). I don't have many friends. I am very comfortable going on road trips alone, to the beach, a coffee shop, trips, etc. I treat myself to wine and chocolate on a weekly basis too.
I focus on making myself happy... I don't rely on anyone to do that for me. I guess I keep myself busy with tending to my house (I like gardening, working outside, mowing the lawn, organising, etc.). I work full time too. But every once in a while (maybe once a year), I create a profile on a dating site, see what's out there and then delete it after about a week of being pestered. lol
I suggest asking yourself what you like to do and try to find groups to join. Have you ever considered Meet-Up?
Good luck and be happy!6 -
I love my OH of 4 years, but I seriously do miss many aspects of single life. That's why I was single for almost 15 years. I miss going on vacation alone. I miss going out for dinner and movies alone. I miss hogging the bed and my word being law.
My OH felt like you do, and worried about me being so much older and having kids not that much younger than him.
I think my experience sums up my opinions on the matter. Good luck in finding your own happiness, perhaps in unexpected places.3 -
Concentrate on getting out and doing things! You do need to pick up some hobbies, if you're not comfortable being alone then how do you ever be good for someone else? Thinking that you need a partner to enjoy life is so counterproductive. I didn't get married until my early 30s but did all kinds of stuff as a single woman. Enjoy your time!
I have to disagree with your statements - I'm 42 with no kids. I found that after my divorce I took a break from even considering any relationships. I wound up going out with 3 amazing guys and not a single one of them was after a hookup but truly wanted to invest in a relationship. One was a friend of a friend that I met at a social function, one came out to do some work on a horse for me and one was a guy I knew from a mutual hobby.
The thing they had in common - kids. All 3 were extremely involved in their kids lives, and I'd so much prefer that than someone who is just a sperm donor. I respect a man that owns up to his responsibilities.
After a certain age, we all have baggage - that's just how life works. I have an incredible boyfriend; we've been together about 2-1/2 years (with kids) and I love them dearly. It definitely took some getting used to, but his son lives with us 95% of the time and we have a great relationship. The ex wife - eh, she's something else...but we work to get along for the sake of the kids.8 -
I met my late husband on a dating website. He let me know right away that he had a 6 y.o. son. I told him that as long as he wasn't a brat, that was fine. Was I looking for a guy with a kid? No. Am I grateful it happened? You bet I am.
Yes, his ex-wife was horrible. Yes, she interfered in our lives in very negative ways. Did I learn to deal with her diplomatically? Yes.
I will never forget the day that both father and son proposed to me. I will always treasure the moments the three of us shared. I lost my husband to ALS a year ago. My stepson still comes up to visit. In fact, he'll be here tomorrow.
Don't let one bad experience limit your dating pool.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have such a good relationship with your stepson.1 -
When I was going through divorce in 2012 I felt like I hit rock bottom. My kids were still little and since I was the bread winner, mortgage holder and care taker, I was beyond stressed.
My divorce took forever and when I moved out and had to deal with parenting time, I felt so SAD & LONELY. First time I had time to myself in 10 years!! I didn't know what to do with myself. I cried alot. I watched tv a lot. I drank by myself a lot. I did a lot by myself. Feeling sorry for myself and just depressed.
BUT then I changed my thoughts. I started doing things I never had time doing. I joined a local yoga studio. I went every single day. I started walking then running in the metro parks. I became VERY ACTIVE. I made new friends. I met strong beautiful women that went through just as tough situation like me. I became comfortable being single. (I was getting in shape like never before too!)
Friends started to ask if I was ready to date. I wasn't. So I didn't starts till I felt ready.
When I did, I met a bunch of men. Some with kids, some without. Young and old. After 1 that lasted a year, I met my guy that I have been for 4 yrs+ now! He has a 16 yrs old daughter and I have boy 13, girl 10. And we ALL LIVE TOGETHER~! (we both have full custody)
Its not easy, it's has it's ups and downs but it works. We are very happy and talking of getting married!?
So I guess my advice is FIND something you like to do. Something that makes you happy.
Because you deserve it! 😉
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Being in a relationship doesn't guarantee all the things you're looking for either. My wife has turned into a workaholic so we don't intersect that often, and even when we do we just don't have common interests. I have much richer friend relationships at work, people I can talk to about issues, problems, achievements and aspirations. They're non-sexual relationships, just friends. I did drift into a sexual relationship with a co-worker years ago. It was both a disaster and something I greatly miss, and I've been tentatively and without a lot of conviction trying to avoid that again.
I rediscovered and enjoy "going solo", like catching movies and plays after work and on my days off, and taking classes offered at work and in continuing education classes at local colleges. Check around - there are a surprising number of events I'm only now exploring. Although I'm solo, just getting out and meeting like minded people interested in the same things is stimulating. Without attachments, you're even freer to just start talking to people and even innocently (or not so innocently!) flirting. As for longer term relationships, I can't offer any advice - I'm still not sure how I ended up getting married or got into the extramarital relationship except that the greater the opportunities, the greater the odds something will click.
If you do meet someone with kids, understand that they're a big part of their life. Ask questions, take a genuine interest. Kids are definitely interesting people in their own right, and an integral part of the person's life you're trying to meet. Sharing that can be very rewarding.
Bottom line - just get out there! The more you do, the more interesting your life will be.5 -
Sometimes life is so hard
you can feel sad and alone surrounded by your own family, for what it’s worth. I think the answer is different for each of us, finding that happiness and balance within. 5 -
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I feel like I'm saying the exact opposite of pretty much everyone else's post so far. But I think you ought to just keep trying to find that right person. It sounds like you want more of a romantic relationship partner rather than friends to me. I was strict in dating only people without kids who also never wanted kids (like myself) and yes, it eliminated a big portion of the dating pool but it was totally worth it to me. The last time I was online dating I was 35, so I understand also how hard it can be once you hit 30s-40s to find people who don't already have families with children. But they are out there. I'd keep trying. If you meet someone on a dating site or in real life and don't feel that they are looking for the same things and don't really "click" right away...just keep moving to the next person. There are a lot of people out there who are probably looking for the same thing you are.3
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but can't this be destructive though (if it all goes south again)? I find it's too difficult to find that right person by chance. What about making new connections (both male and female), through mutual connections, or by other means?seltzermint555 wrote: »I feel like I'm saying the exact opposite of pretty much everyone else's post so far. But I think you ought to just keep trying to find that right person. It sounds like you want more of a romantic relationship partner rather than friends to me.
I get the people are usually busy and unavailable, but if you travel to spots where people chill out like seaside towns, you can sit beside people and even start a conversation with someone.
I'm not sure what you mean. It's destructive to date and seek a romantic partner? Of course you can get hurt in love and romance, that's pretty much a given. But if you're youngish like OP mentions being in their 40s, and you would like a companion/partner, I don't think pals are a good substitute for a romantic relationship. Just my opinion. One can have both, of course.
I don't know about this meeting up in seaside towns and all that, though. I live in a city in the Midwestern US where basically everyone meets online and doesn't really talk to strangers. Maybe in your twenties at college or bars, it's possible to meet organically, but outside of that - not so much, in my experience. Honestly I just tended to meet men who were married and looking for something on the side, or single dads hoping to find someone and I wasn't up for all that would entail if it became long term.
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I meant in the case that she put all her hope into one man (that she ends up meeting), as opposed to having friendship with multiple contacts first before dating. Although maybe the dating market is more lucrative online then and people are not actually stuck so much idkseltzermint555 wrote: »
but can't this be destructive though (if it all goes south again)? I find it's too difficult to find that right person by chance. What about making new connections (both male and female), through mutual connections, or by other means?seltzermint555 wrote: »I feel like I'm saying the exact opposite of pretty much everyone else's post so far. But I think you ought to just keep trying to find that right person. It sounds like you want more of a romantic relationship partner rather than friends to me.
I get the people are usually busy and unavailable, but if you travel to spots where people chill out like seaside towns, you can sit beside people and even start a conversation with someone.
I'm not sure what you mean. It's destructive to date and seek a romantic partner? Of course you can get hurt in love and romance, that's pretty much a given.
ahh I see what you mean also. Good to consider all the angles, for sure. I think when you meet someone online, the biggest thing is to meet up "face to face" ASAP. I know quite a few people who have wasted their time and energy on a catfish and/or become emotionally invested in someone online, only to find that they are incompatible once they meet.4 -
I do feel you have to put yourself out there to date. That whole saying of not trying to find love, just letting it find you doesn’t work imo.
I’m single also and all of my friends are married. If I just sat around and waited for something to magically happen, it probably never would. In the past when I have done that, I have gone years without a date. Go out and be social.2 -
I am single, mid-50s, live alone, etc. so I definitely feel your pain. Two things that I've found really helpful:
1) According to a psychiatrist named Robert Maurer, research shows that the one thing that *truly* helps when you're feeling sad or lonely is just what you might expect: reaching out to another person. We are wired to live in social groups but in modern society many people are isolated. It can be scary to reach out to someone else, especially to make yourself vulnerable by sharing how you really feel. But it instantly makes you feel better. I agree with a previous poster that it's wise to focus on making some friends--real ones. BONUS: having that support network will really help give you more courage and confidence to seek out/attract the kind of romantic partner you want in your life, AND the more people you are friends with, the more potential partners you will meet through them or while you are out and about with them.
2) Also, definitely get a pet. Research also shows not only do you feel less lonely when you have a pet, you are far less likely to die, of all causes, than those who live alone and don't have a pet. A dog, especially, will make you feel like a million bucks every time you come home. BONUS: Having a dog helps you get more exercise because they love to walk. DOUBLE BONUS: It's incredibly easy to meet people when you have a dog--everyone wants to stop and talk to you and pet your dog, and if you go to dog parks you will develop friendships with some of the "regulars" there. The vast majority of my social circle is other dog people. My little brother actually met his wife by *borrowing* a cute dog specifically in order to strike up conversations with all the girls who stopped to coo over the pup!
Good luck, hang in there, and don't be afraid to see a counselor if you need someone non-judgmental to talk to or if you feel like you're dealing with clinical depression.3 -
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In my single 20s, I went to a bar and sat there a while and drank until someone wanted to take me home. I admit that it was empty and temporary, but the extraordinary loneliness I felt didn’t feel so bad for a few hours.
Okay, so I’m sure that wasn’t helpful at all, but I just got to relive being in my 20s and single.5 -
The grass is always greener. I hear from my married friends how they would love to be single and here I am dying to be married.
I think it’s good advice to be more active and just get out there even if it is by myself. Online dating has been such a nightmare between all the married men, men just looking for hookups and various other weird things (boy do I have stories) that maybe I should take a break for a while. I also like the idea of getting a dog, I may do that.
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that's true, like with anything - you have to put in the effortI do feel you have to put yourself out there to date. That whole saying of not trying to find love, just letting it find you doesn’t work imo.
I’m single also and all of my friends are married. If I just sat around and waited for something to magically happen, it probably never would. In the past when I have done that, I have gone years without a date. Go out and be social.
searching online can be tunnel visioned if there's limited opportunities (I don't know how it is in other countries though)
I think the more ways a person has to meet people the better. Most people I know who are married now met their partner online. Some people are still opposed to it which is silly imo. How many men actually approach women in a grocery store or other random place? It certainly doesn’t happen to me.3 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »The grass is always greener. I hear from my married friends how they would love to be single and here I am dying to be married.
I think it’s good advice to be more active and just get out there even if it is by myself. Online dating has been such a nightmare between all the married men, men just looking for hookups and various other weird things (boy do I have stories) that maybe I should take a break for a while. I also like the idea of getting a dog, I may do that.
I have experienced this also. Many people on dating apps are not actually single, just mad at their partner or whatever. That happens IRL too though.
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I’d start by seeking friends with similar interests to get you back out there and to give you a network of support. That being said, it’s not easy just to go out there and make friends either!
I met my boyfriend of the past 4 years by being introduced by friends...so that’s what worked for me!0 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »The grass is always greener. I hear from my married friends how they would love to be single and here I am dying to be married.
we only want what we want until its ours, then we want something else.
"wanting" to be married isn't anything bad, but what if it's not what you "need"
maybe you just "need" to be happy instead, and if so, that's something you may be able to find without worrying about a marriage at all5 -
Being that I feel the same way I wish I had an answer for that . . . I think what helps me is that while I do feel sad and lonely more that I would like to admit it comes in waves so I accept that. I am 50, single with grown children 1 out of the house 1 undecided and a cat. I talk to my cat probably too much. Sometimes I make it a point to actually talk to people when I am out or at least make some eye contact and get a smile - at least then I am not so sad because I know I can be social. Part of my problem is I generally don't care for women as friends, not sure why and hope to address that soon.
Dating is very different now, I recently met a nice enough man, but two days in he sent me kissing emoji in a text and I just wasn't feeling it. Can I get to not only know you a little and maybe like you before we address the physical - I could be overacting but I did what I was comfortable with, told him this was not the right time for me. Sad and lonely is not desperate, we may not know what we want but we do know what we don't want.
Maybe try just doing little things that are outside of your comfort zone, I mean like talking to a stranger (in the right context) and having a conversation about anything. It's a small thing but I find those are days when I am not so sad and lonely.
I also feel things happen when it is the right time for them to happen so we have to practice a little to be ready
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Once, for a giggle, I created the most outrageously honest dating profile imaginable, expecting it to put men off. I listed my most annoying faults, my most entitled expectations, and made zero effort to seem attractive. It was the absolute opposite of what you'd usually do, and I expected to get hate mail. Instead, I got slightly fewer responses, but from men I was actually more compatible with. Two of them were in my life for a few years, one of them (a catch by most people's standards) wanted the whole happily ever after deal with me, but I wasn't ready to give up single life at that point. It turned out that sugar coating my bad self wasn't worth the effort.
I'm not necessarily suggesting you do exactly what I did, but rather that you not be afraid to try something different. Don't shy away from saying what you want and don't want.5 -
There's plenty more to life than pumping out babies & having a family (norm cast upon us by society)5
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It's funny that people think being married means that you are no longer lonely. It took me four marriages to get it right.( sometimes you have to kiss alot of frogs to find your " king" !!!) Lol ! I hear so many horror stories about online dating that kinda make me glad that I'm 50 and so over that dating trap. You have to do what's best for your dating journey. Even if it means not dating at all. I think alot of people get caught up in this whole not being alone preconceptions. That they fall victim to dating anyone..( even if that person is the pond scum off the bottom of someone's boat.) Most people don't enjoy their own company so they tend to spend time with anyone that happens across their paths. Do not fall for that misfortune!!! Enjoy yourself...your journeys...even if you spend them alone...Be true to thine own self !!!!!1
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