Bad parent(ing) stories (that affect your health habits & work/life balance)
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LAT1963
Posts: 1,375 Member
In another thread, it came up that people had been getting a lot of bad messaging from their parents about food, nutrition, exercise, and life in general, that they seemed to be struggling with even in adulthood and age, though their parents may be long-gone.
Some of these were fairly simple and pretty common--like 'you have to finish all the food on your plate'--something probably driven by the view that since the food was paid for, failing to eat it was wasting money.
Others of them were more insidious and destructive, like 'Have you been sick?' when they see you after awhile and you've lost weight but are still in the obese or overweight category when it comes to fat %.
And some are undermining of one's confidence in general--and when you lack that confidence it is hard to stick with something (eg: a health-improvement plan) whose rewards are distant and long-term, because you aren't good at anything anyway and never succeed, so even if you stick with something the reward everyone else seems to get is never going to come to you.
So I thought it might be of use to start a thread where people can dump that baggage and get some support from others with similar experience or just with compassion for the head-trip someone is suffering. It doesn't have to be something specific someone said, it can also be a behavior. Whatever it is that they are doing or have done that you feel is still making it harder for you to be who you want to be now.
I suspect there's going to be a lot of vulnerability exposed here so no dicking with people, okay?
I'll start--category general undermining of confidence--as a young woman engineer, my mother used to always tell me that it didn't matter what I did with my life or accomplishments, the only thing that would matter would be who I was married to. If I won the Nobel Prize (sic: the prize recognizing engineering is the Japan prize not the Nobel which is usually for basic science, but I digress) but was married to a plumber, I'd still be no more than a plumber's wife. (no offense to plumbers, this reflects my mom's value system not mine). Since her house is more central than mine a few of times I made the mistake of stopping there to shower and change before going to a job interview or corporate event; she invariably criticized me for how I was dressed and how much I weighed (which at that time was an athletic 160), and tore me down so that my confidence would be shot when I went to the event.
(For context, mom had 2 years of college and scattered secretarial/reception type job experiences at that point in my life, but had mostly been a full-time stay-at-home mom, consistent with the expectations of that era.)
Some of these were fairly simple and pretty common--like 'you have to finish all the food on your plate'--something probably driven by the view that since the food was paid for, failing to eat it was wasting money.
Others of them were more insidious and destructive, like 'Have you been sick?' when they see you after awhile and you've lost weight but are still in the obese or overweight category when it comes to fat %.
And some are undermining of one's confidence in general--and when you lack that confidence it is hard to stick with something (eg: a health-improvement plan) whose rewards are distant and long-term, because you aren't good at anything anyway and never succeed, so even if you stick with something the reward everyone else seems to get is never going to come to you.
So I thought it might be of use to start a thread where people can dump that baggage and get some support from others with similar experience or just with compassion for the head-trip someone is suffering. It doesn't have to be something specific someone said, it can also be a behavior. Whatever it is that they are doing or have done that you feel is still making it harder for you to be who you want to be now.
I suspect there's going to be a lot of vulnerability exposed here so no dicking with people, okay?
I'll start--category general undermining of confidence--as a young woman engineer, my mother used to always tell me that it didn't matter what I did with my life or accomplishments, the only thing that would matter would be who I was married to. If I won the Nobel Prize (sic: the prize recognizing engineering is the Japan prize not the Nobel which is usually for basic science, but I digress) but was married to a plumber, I'd still be no more than a plumber's wife. (no offense to plumbers, this reflects my mom's value system not mine). Since her house is more central than mine a few of times I made the mistake of stopping there to shower and change before going to a job interview or corporate event; she invariably criticized me for how I was dressed and how much I weighed (which at that time was an athletic 160), and tore me down so that my confidence would be shot when I went to the event.
(For context, mom had 2 years of college and scattered secretarial/reception type job experiences at that point in my life, but had mostly been a full-time stay-at-home mom, consistent with the expectations of that era.)
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Replies
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Once as a kid, my mom refused to let my aunt give me a cough drop when I was sick because "cough drops have calories."
When I was 16 we joined Weight Watchers together and I learned that eating bread and pasta was forbidden, hotdogs are the actual devil, and if I failed to eat "right" it was my fault when clothes didn't fit. What I did not learn: anything useful about food. WW, you suck. :C
For my 20th birthday we went to Mexico, where she proceeded to be vicious enough about everything I ate or wore that a complete stranger at the beach told me to ignore her and gave me a hug and a tequila sunrise.
I loved my mom, and she wasn't all bad. Nobody will ever understand me like she did. But my terrible relationship with food and my own body are largely from her and the damage has been very long lasting.
Although I'll give her this: hotdogs legitimately are evil. Delicious evil. *sigh*16 -
I truly can't complain about either of my parents because they have always been encouraging and loving. However, both of them were often too indulgent and accepting, in my opinion. When I gained a lot of weight as a kid and teen, they would never deprive me of pizza and dessert or make any snarky comments about my intake. When I was underemployed for years post-college they would make excuses for me in their own (separate) ways.
Personally? I'd still take that over discouraging and judgmental.9 -
Just this past weekend I was talking to my stepmom about losing weight & she said, "Have you tried the grapefruit diet?" 🤦
Lol, I just told her I can't eat grapefruit on my medication (which is true).6 -
my mom claims she "hardly eats anything" and her body is in starvation mode but then you see her eat 2000-3000cal in enchilada's (or similar)3
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When I was 16 we joined Weight Watchers together and I learned that eating bread and pasta was forbidden, hotdogs are the actual devil, and if I failed to eat "right" it was my fault when clothes didn't fit. What I did not learn: anything useful about food. WW, you suck. :C
For my 20th birthday we went to Mexico, where she proceeded to be vicious enough about everything I ate or wore that a complete stranger at the beach told me to ignore her and gave me a hug and a tequila sunrise.
I loved my mom, and she wasn't all bad. Nobody will ever understand me like she did. But my terrible relationship with food and my own body are largely from her and the damage has been very long lasting.
Although I'll give her this: hotdogs legitimately are evil. Delicious evil. *sigh*
Unfortunately the world is full of delicious evil. Karma points to random hugger who came to you when needed.5 -
Mine is more subtle. My mom is very openly critical of pretty much every woman's appearance. She clearly got that from my grandmother who had no problem telling any person in the family (myself included) that they are fat. That already set my expectations low. She certainly damaged my self-esteem early on mostly by complaining daily about how much I smell. It turns out I have a medical condition in which I sweat more than the average person. This means that even with frequent showering, deodorant, and clean clothes I would still smell of BO at the end of the day (high school) when they picked me up. And every single day, the first thing my mom would tell me when they picked me up is that I smell bad.
But the other aspect is that she has struggled with her weight her entire adult life without actually developing sustainable habits. This meant that I grew up eating the same things she ate, watching her do various diets and take diuretics, and effectively learned that women just spend their lives hating their weight and dieting. My husband has been amazing in showing me that there are small eating habits I developed growing up that are unnecessary and contributing to my weight issues. Now I watch how my mom eats or what she feeds my toddler and immediately understand the roots of many of my weight struggles.
I'm not writing this to place all or even most of the blame for my weight struggles on my mom, but she definitely influenced many of my early habits that I'm only now learning to fully recognize and take responsibility for.9 -
Forgive me if I'm laughing at the dietary cluelessness of some people's parents.
I think it's easy to recognize the negative effects of overly pushy parents but maybe the under-pushers need more recognition too, it's like saying they don't have confidence you can do better.0 -
I guess many of us have memories of things that relatives may have said or done. It’s painful even to read all of your comments. Positive reinforcement goes a long way toward developing self esteem. Unconditional love and positive role modeling lacks in some parents, mine included. It can cause lifelong pain, even when they are long gone. Hugs to all🌸1
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Forgive me if I'm laughing at the dietary cluelessness of some people's parents.
I think it's easy to recognize the negative effects of overly pushy parents but maybe the under-pushers need more recognition too, it's like saying they don't have confidence you can do better.
I definitely recognize that too. In my case, I think my parents knew I was intellectually gifted and very creative, but because I majored in humanities and found the 9-5 grind very disappointing, they understood why I was working in retail and entry level or non profit jobs. They were definitely enablers for years...emotionally speaking. To be clear though I lived independently from them & supported myself financially, etc. But they didn't honestly have confidence that I could thrive in a more traditional or lucrative job, and that was something I achieved without much input from them. I do think if looking at all angles, though, their confidence in me as a strong person and encouragement in all areas was beneficial.
I also think when it came to dietary/health matters, I'm such a people pleaser & was so extremely self-conscious about my weight, that it would have KILLED me if they gave me a hard time about my body. Maybe literally.1 -
My mother has some emotional issues that I picked up. She had the typical emotional eating, but coupled it with not being able to cope with stress well, leading to excessive emotional eating. She believed being hungry triggered her migraines (turns out that is not the case, she is straight up experimenting with intermittent fasting now - it was probably the anxiety from not having food that triggered the migraines), so constantly having snacks around was a thing I picked up as well. She would get extremely anxious if there were no snacks in the car. I had to learn how to be okay with not having food constantly at my hands, and that it was okay to be hungry sometimes.8
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Do aunts count, because @jaydedmiss has some stories...
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Not my parents story, but—. One day, many, many years ago (40?) we were eating at a steak place and the woman at the next table was SCREAMING at three of the cutest blue-eyed, blonde, thinnish little girls, dressed in their Sunday best “you eat that salad right now.” One little girl took a bite of her lettuce and said “but I don’t like tomatoes”. Gramma Screamed at her. “I don’t care, they’re good for you! you eat them!” Another little girl said “I don’t like blue cheese dressing”. Gramma screamed, “you don’t want to grow up and get fat like me and your mama! Now eat your salad”.
Those salads (first course, dinner coming) must have been 500 calories apiece with the dressing. I don’t know what it did to those little girls, but I’m still traumatized!5 -
In elementary school: “I just don’t understand. Your sister was a big baby but got all her baby weight off by kindergarten”
In middle school when discussing why I need to lose weight: “Don’t you want someone to ask you to prom in a few years??”
In high school: “You need to get the weight off. What about when you get diabetes? People will look at you and think I’m a bad mother!”
Not to mention the very subtle hand under that table that would tap my knee every time I went for seconds at a family dinner to tell me I’ve had enough.
It definitely stays with you...6 -
Ah the clean plate club. That was pushed on me. Then when I started putting weight on in middle school, even though I played sports etc, it was attributed to me filling out before filling up because that was what my dad did at that age. Ignore that he and I have COMPLETELY different builds.
Sports kept me ahead of the game in high school so I was never fat and my build let me carry the weight.
As life went on and they started doing 8 million bizarro fad diets before my dad's doctor put him on a mostly vegetarian diet for diabetes, they talked about weight loss and diets incessantly, to the point that eating whatever I wanted was a means of thumbing my nose at them. Yes adult me acting like a 5 year old.
Constant comments about my weight and appearance, "You'd look so much better if..."
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quiksylver296 wrote: »Do aunts count, because @jaydedmiss has some stories...
lmfao ill add some of my aunts stunts later im headed to the dentist shortly. Shes a character for sure lol. She has kids and is in charge of the childrens food at the public school lunch program so she for sure counts here.
Just a quick example...she swapped the schools budget around to include chocolate chip granola bars instead of fresh apples because she claims they are healthier, Because granola. And all fruit is is pure sugar. Everyone knows chocolate chip granola bars are healthier for our tiny future adults thn apples. Its really not as huge issue but the mindset behind her and the fact shes feedijng so many children is alarming.
Ill add some cringy aunt moments later, I forgot you guys enjoyed her. Theres alot of new ones lol.6 -
I've always been hungry and kind of a heavy dense muscular person. But the family dynamic changed a lot when I was 10. I was the second heaviest person in my class. I was 4'10" and 118 lbs. As an idea of what I looked like my grandmother was 4'11" and 125 lbs and everyone always commented on how slim she was. My mom flipped out and took me to the doctor who gave me a diet. My mom promptly threw that out and cut out all snacks. I was hungry all the time, and at meal times I chewed through everything really quickly and looked for more.
At 11 I was 5'4" and 125 lbs and all I ever heard about was how heavy I was. That continued through high school and my adult life. I've finally realized at 54 that my problem all this time has been a starve binge cycle that was presented as "normal" eating. I had my resting metabolic rate done and it is currently 1800 kcal. My mother trying to force me to eat 1200 kcal, to eating only 3 meals, to the clean plate club totally messed up my eating habits. So I learned not to eat until I literally felt like I was starving and then couldn't control the amount I ate. I would eat as fast as possible and everything in sight until I felt not hungry.
And when I say starving I mean hangry and feeling like I'm going to pass out which actually happened in 3rd grade when I missed breakfast because there wasn't any cereal in the house and we made our own breakfast.
I'm trying to eat 5-6 meals a day, and it helps but it's tough.3 -
Food.
Foodies.
Family.
Sigh.
The importance of food in my family cannot be overstated. The family I interacted with most grew up surviving both WWI, WWII, and the Depression with a French background. Dinner table stories often involved the "why" of what we were eating (think snails, frogs, quiche, dandelion salad, potato soup, etc.). All day, every day, there was constant discussion of what the next meal would be. After a particularly large meal, like Thanksgiving, my grandfather would remark, "I wonder what the poor people are eating tonight?" which literally sent my child brain whirling to hungry children all over the world.
There was no need to prompt my active imagination to go abroad because we had the unique experience of traveling and living in India for a short time when I was eight years-old. In the 60's India was divided into those that have and those that did not; there was no meaningful middle class. Starving and maimed children clamored at the gates of my grandparent's home, begging for food and money.
Fast forward to becoming a teenager and realizing that the dinner table was not a nice place to be due to heated debates between my parents. The topic rarely mattered but the verbal "gloves off" was constant. The civility did not mask the aggressive need to win the debate. Combined with teaching us table manners such as you do not begin eating until everyone is seated, there was no "being excused" from the table until everyone was done eating and arguing, and yes, the clean plate rule; for me, the dinner table was a nightmare. Being an active child and teenager kept my figure trim and my weight appropriate.
My family is thin and fit. They have always been healthy. Each person actively maintains good health and has never been overweight, certainly not obese, or in my case, morbidly obese. I am the outlier. Why? I've managed to gain some insight and perspective nearly fifty years later that I eat my emotions. I am learning coping strategies that do not involve food as way to medicate myself.
Yesterday, my birthday, was an affirmation for me in celebrating and acknowledging the last 1/3 of my life in a healthy and sustainable manner. I tracked my intake, I ate under my calorie goal, and I exercised for 30 minutes. It is what I've been doing for over six months and what I plan to do for the remainder of my life.5 -
I am a product of my grandmother's not so great way of handling my mother's weight issues as a tween/teenager. My grandmother was strict and made harsh comments to my mom about her weight & put her on diets, starting when she was a preteen.
Understandably, my mom did not want to do this to me or my sister, so she kind of went the opposite way with it.... At a young age (basically when I was able to start cooking for myself) I got to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. We didn't have structured "meals" or "mealtimes" to sit down and eat together at the table. It was usually a free for all. I made myself food, ate at the couch and watched tv. Ice cream, cheese nachos, buttered hot dog buns with sugar and cinnamon on them, glass after, glass after, glass of chocolate milk, ice cream, candy.... I really had no limits. I rarely remember being told no or having limits of certain foods. I didnt have to eat vegetables and didn't eat much meat other than chicken nuggets and hot dogs.
Needless to say, when I reached puberty I started to really gain weight.... I hit my heaviest shortly after graduating high school at about 220lbs. Obese, 18 years old and had stretch marks for no other reason than being large. It was at that point I got determined to not be that big (or bigger) for the rest of my life. I started counting calories and basically taught myself how to eat healthy and manage my weight. I look back now and wish my mom told me no sometimes and taught me better eating habits at a young age. Then again, I'm super glad she didn't treat me like her mom treated her..... there just needs to be a healthy balance between the two.
With the knowlege I have now, I'm hoping I can provide a healthy balance for my boys as they grow into men.
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