Why do some people find love so effortlessly while others struggle?
Why do you think some people find true love and their partners so easily while others wait years to find it and endure so much heartbreak? Is it pure dumb luck?
I’ve (30F) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012, a few weeks before he closed in on a house and I was set to move in. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive - we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.
Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 30, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great men lately and I do currently have a new boyfriend who seems really great. It’s still so new but I do really care for and appreciate him and it seems mutual.
I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 no she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.
There is no real difference in these friends (male and female) in attractiveness or awesomeness. They’re all equal in my eyes. And I’m not wondering this to be bitter - I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is susceptible to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?
I’ve (30F) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012, a few weeks before he closed in on a house and I was set to move in. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive - we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.
Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 30, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great men lately and I do currently have a new boyfriend who seems really great. It’s still so new but I do really care for and appreciate him and it seems mutual.
I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 no she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.
There is no real difference in these friends (male and female) in attractiveness or awesomeness. They’re all equal in my eyes. And I’m not wondering this to be bitter - I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is susceptible to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?
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Replies
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You can't compare yourself to others and you shouldn't be "looking" for what others have. You don't go out looking for love. Don't expect anything and just enjoy meeting people. Some people find the love of their lives at 50. You'll know when you meet the right person for you.7
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Honestly I think some just aren’t meant for such and others are. I haven’t dated in 10 years I’m going on 34 in the greatest month of the year, November and feel like love isn’t always experienced in the traditional for some.8
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I think some of it is definitely luck, timing, etc.
I also think some people go through rough times and learn what they do and don't want in a partner and adhere to that...which can either have a very positive effect (never settling for poor treatment again) or a somewhat negative effect (overly picky to the point of isolation).
I think confidence plays a MAJOR role.
I think in a lot of ways, psychology plays a role...for example the emotional state you are in, how able to accept and give/take love, whether you have a certain personality type or whether or not you were abused emotionally in the past (as a kid, or an adult).
Even your lifestyle, schedule, habits...so many factors!
I feel "lucky in love" even though I'm on my second marriage and have had a couple of bad relationships when I was much younger. Both of my husbands have been kind, smart, fun men. I think in some ways it's the fact that I met both of them online and they were both great writers & we clicked intellectually first. That was a benefit for me. However, even with that...first guy was compatible, but my current husband has the great chemistry with me and what I believe will be lasting love. But I didn't marry him until I was 36 (7 years ago).
I don't know why some of my girlfriends have had terrible luck with relationships and marriages especially when they are strong, positive women who seem to be choosing acceptable partners. I'm not talking about people who are clearly flakes or those go for the bad boys. But sometimes things just do not work out.5 -
You find love when you are truly ready for it and open to it.
I lost my husband, Michael, to ALS last year. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my person. I miss him terribly. 💔
I had been married once before him but, knowing what I know now, that wasn't love. I thought it was but after I experienced my relationship with Michael, no other boyfriend or husband I'd had before came even remotely close.
I know one of my brothers has a soul mate. The others don't. They probably would argue that they do. But they don't.
OP, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your young love and the abuse you suffered.
Love will come. Don't settle. 💙12 -
Mrs says she chased me until I caught her.
Maybe that's a universal principle.4 -
I think its luck, time, chance, and not looking for it too hard2
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caco_ethes wrote: »I think its luck, time, chance, and not looking for it too hard
I’ve always found the “knock’em up on the first date and hope for the best” approach worked best for me.10 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I think its luck, time, chance, and not looking for it too hard
I’ve always found the “knock’em up on the first date and hope for the best” approach worked best for me.
Gonna give this a whirl2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I think its luck, time, chance, and not looking for it too hard
I’ve always found the “knock’em up on the first date and hope for the best” approach worked best for me.
Gonna give this a whirl
With someone else or are you looking for my kik? 😆2 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I think its luck, time, chance, and not looking for it too hard
I’ve always found the “knock’em up on the first date and hope for the best” approach worked best for me.
Gonna give this a whirl
With someone else or are you looking for my kik? 😆
Well.. you’re welcome to try as hard as you like 😏3 -
Why do you think some people find true love and their partners so easily while others wait years to find it and endure so much heartbreak? Is it pure dumb luck?
I’ve (30F) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012, a few weeks before he closed in on a house and I was set to move in. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive - we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.
Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 30, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great men lately and I do currently have a new boyfriend who seems really great. It’s still so new but I do really care for and appreciate him and it seems mutual.
I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 no she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.
There is no real difference in these friends (male and female) in attractiveness or awesomeness. They’re all equal in my eyes. And I’m not wondering this to be bitter - I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is susceptible to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?
So many factors to take into account.. some people are more attractive, some people push others away without realizing it, some people have a higher percentage of single people in their area.
I know a guy who is pissed at women due to a divorce. He wants another relationship but everything out of his mouth about women is hateful. Yeah if you think all women are after your money no one will date you dude.
Anyway.3 -
I think a lot of it comes down to expectations and openness. Some people have certain traits where they like to have control over everything. Unfortunately when you have this kind of mindset and apply it to something dynamic and complicated as another human being you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. This kind of person is not open to forgiving and being patient and foster the relationship. Also, when conflict occurs, which it inevitably does some go full “flight or fight” and just move onto the next person who meets their unrealistic criteria.
Just my 0.02...2 -
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I don’t know. My best friend is an incredible human being. He’s warm, compassionate, kind, loving, hard working, handsome, he has an incredible career, he’s non judgmental and everything you think a lady would want in a man. He’s been searching for over a decade. He just recently adopted a child at 35 because he didn’t want to wait anymore to start a family. He keeps meeting the craziest people, or women who like him for his money but he’s searching for genuine connection, and now I really believe he’s given up.8
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I wonder how many people will never meet the person that would be best for them because they live half a world apart. They will never meet. I wonder if that is my fate. Alone forever because I was born in the wrong place3
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To the person who disagreed with me, Thanks! I appreciate it!3
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I know one of my brothers has a soul mate. The others don't. They probably would argue that they do. But they don't.
I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. He sounds like an amazing mate.
As for the comment above though, how do you feel sure of this? I'm just curious.
I don't necessarily believe in "soul mates" personally, but I think sometimes it is hard for others to gauge the closeness and emotional connection between two people. I think a lot of people looked at me and my ex husband as "goals" for a close relationship and happy marriage, because we were so similar in personality and seemed great as we played off each other in social situations. But now that I'm with my second husband, I understand a lot more about love, passion, closeness and deeply caring for another person. I didn't have that before. I think to most outsiders, my first marriage seemed "like soulmates" and they would think my current marriage wasn't as strong. They would be wrong.
Not arguing - you probably know a lot about your brothers' marriages. But I am just thinking about this.
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I wish I knew the answer to this riddle myself, (Not for me, I've been married for 30 years) but for others. I'm gonna go with what some others here have said: right place, right time, dumb luck. That's all I can attribute my relationship to. My husband and I married at 20 so its not like we were experienced or worldly! I could have just as easily married an abusive a-hole at that age. I wouldn't have known what I was getting into until it was too late. Maybe it was easier to find people when I was young, IDK. Today's generation doesn't seem to socialize the same way they did back in the 80's and 90's. Maybe that is a contributing factor. I also think people are waiting longer to get serious. I will say this though: just because a relationship appears perfect doesn't always mean it is. My husband and I are pretty happy now, but we've definitely had our share of ups and downs. I've known other people that seemed great one minute and split up the next. You just never know what's going on behind closed doors. Good luck. : )3
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