Empathy is also motivation and support (a slight rant?)
runlaugheatpie
Posts: 376 Member
I don't know what it is, but lately here (and on reddit where I also read and post) I find that everyone seems to be an expert or have a dismissive answer when others (myself included) are frustrated or complain about the lack of results. For me, I get really tired of people saying "give it time" (I've been doing this for years, trust me I've given it time) or "it's probably water weight". Even if that is TRUE, maybe next time you see a post like this, just answer with "that sucks!" or "I know how hard you are trying and I understand your frustration!"
I'm here on MFP for support, not to feel like a dumbass.
Everyone is different, we don't hall fall into the "just water weight" category. Maybe we are struggling to figure out what the right amount of calories is, how to calculate our TDEE or we are simply in need of support.
That's all. Carry on. (suppose I need to put on a flame-retardent suit now)
I'm here on MFP for support, not to feel like a dumbass.
Everyone is different, we don't hall fall into the "just water weight" category. Maybe we are struggling to figure out what the right amount of calories is, how to calculate our TDEE or we are simply in need of support.
That's all. Carry on. (suppose I need to put on a flame-retardent suit now)
9
Replies
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In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.20
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Loved your post!! And yes, I agree with you. Too many times comments are picked wayyyy apart and someone's super intelligence is shared when all we want is a little support, a basic knowledge or something along those lines. I've noticed it much more often lately than before. Maybe I'm grumpy due to the season, bored and spend too much time here, saw it before but am just barely voicing my feelings, or there was a straw somewhere that broke the camel's back. Reading the word toxic awhile back hit home, and sometimes we just need to speak up and voice our opinions. I believe everybody here is trying very hard to live their best life yet. And I do realize attempting a conversation via a forum is VERY different than face-to-face. But we do need to keep in mind how the tone can be picked up, what the OP is actually needing, and not end up talking in depth and beyond to show all our college knowledge.
I even mentioned to someone else here that it's a darn good thing we don't discuss politics or religion. At least none that I've seen.
And you described it well......I'm looking for support, motivation, some 'hang in there' but what I'm NOT looking for is to feel like a dumbass, as you said. So, no need to get out the fire extinguisher for me. But then, I'm sure I'll get many disagrees. 5 -
nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.3 -
What happens when you have spinach in your teeth?
Fake people that don't care say you look lovely
Real friends hand you a toothpick or some floss and say hey you have a little spinach in your teeth.
The support here is the second much more useful type.28 -
Loved your post!! And yes, I agree with you. Too many times comments are picked wayyyy apart and someone's super intelligence is shared when all we want is a little support, a basic knowledge or something along those lines. I've noticed it much more often lately than before. Maybe I'm grumpy due to the season, bored and spend too much time here, saw it before but am just barely voicing my feelings, or there was a straw somewhere that broke the camel's back. Reading the word toxic awhile back hit home, and sometimes we just need to speak up and voice our opinions. I believe everybody here is trying very hard to live their best life yet. And I do realize attempting a conversation via a forum is VERY different than face-to-face. But we do need to keep in mind how the tone can be picked up, what the OP is actually needing, and not end up talking in depth and beyond to show all our college knowledge.
I even mentioned to someone else here that it's a darn good thing we don't discuss politics or religion. At least none that I've seen.
And you described it well......I'm looking for support, motivation, some 'hang in there' but what I'm NOT looking for is to feel like a dumbass, as you said. So, no need to get out the fire extinguisher for me. But then, I'm sure I'll get many disagrees.
thank you for understanding me 2 -
What happens when you have spinach in your teeth?
Fake people that don't care say you look lovely
Real friends hand you a toothpick or some floss and say hey you have a little spinach in your teeth.
The support here is the second much more useful type.
you are misunderstanding me.
If I clearly say
I know "xyz" but I'm just frustrated right now
then it's ALSO AN OPTION TO SAY
"I know you are working hard and I am sorry you feel frustrated"
You don't say
"well as I explained to you before, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
I just said that I knew that. I'm feeling frustrated. The "frustrated" bit is the bit where I need the support for that moment.
Empathy. Look it up.4 -
I see it another way, there could be someone not as knowledgeable as you reading the same post and could really benefit from seeing some useful information they may not have otherwise known27
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I see it another way, there could be someone not as knowledgeable as you reading the same post and could really benefit from seeing some useful information they may not have otherwise known
I'm posting on my own MFP wall. And everyone responding is an expert in their own minds.
in the meantime I'm busy with this for much longer than they are. I know a lot about weight, anatomy, physiology, exercise and nutrition.
IF I AM SAYING I AM FRUSTRATED IT'S AN OPTION TO SHOW EMPATHY
or just don't say anything at all.3 -
Here's human nature (from me, the expert.)
If you tell someone about a problem you have, they want to help. It's not judgey or mean for them to want to help you.
If you don't want people trying to help you, don't tell them about your problems.
They would be happier and so would you.25 -
What happens when you have spinach in your teeth?
Fake people that don't care say you look lovely
Real friends hand you a toothpick or some floss and say hey you have a little spinach in your teeth.
The support here is the second much more useful type.
reminds me of when I was on a first date years ago. I ordered a salad that had black olives in it. Sometime long after the salad and trying to impress this girl, I went to the restroom and checked my teeth and had black olives stuck in every upper tooth. 🤣9 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Then you probably shouldnt post questions where anyone can answer, if you want to control the answers you receive. 🤷🏼♀️20 -
cmriverside wrote: »Here's human nature (from me, the expert.)
If you tell someone about a problem you have, they want to help. It's not judgey or mean for them to want to help you.
If you don't want people trying to help you, don't tell them about your problems.
They would be happier and so would you.
Thanks for saying this. I was just about to go down the same path. Look at the response you got. Lol.
11 -
Op you said
you are misunderstanding me.
If I clearly say
I know "xyz" but I'm just frustrated right now
then it's ALSO AN OPTION TO SAY
"I know you are working hard and I am sorry you feel frustrated"
.
If you said "I know about toothpicks but I still have spinach in my teeth and I am so very frustrated about it" which is more helpful?
A. I know you stil have spinach and am sorry you feel frustrated about it
OR
B. Oh I get it, have you tried dental floss? The flat waxed kind works best for me
10 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Calories in Calories out. That's NOT "imaginary". Pretty straightforward and simple if one has the will to be consistent with it.11 -
Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??6 -
Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.9 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Then you probably shouldnt post questions where anyone can answer, if you want to control the answers you receive. 🤷🏼♀️
I am talking about posting on my own MFP wall. not in a general forum.1 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"1 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Then you probably shouldnt post questions where anyone can answer, if you want to control the answers you receive. 🤷🏼♀️
I am talking about posting on my own MFP wall. not in a general forum.
Then defriend the people offending you. 🤷🏼♀️17 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Then you probably shouldnt post questions where anyone can answer, if you want to control the answers you receive. 🤷🏼♀️
I am talking about posting on my own MFP wall. not in a general forum.
Excuse me--but do you know where you are? Are you lost?6 -
Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
there is a time and place for knowledge and advise, especially when one is soliciting that.
but sometimes you need a virtual "that sucks" kind of hug/pat on the shoulder.
and that's what I'm missing.2 -
nighthawk584 wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Calories in Calories out. That's NOT "imaginary". Pretty straightforward and simple if one has the will to be consistent with it.
that's not the issue. the issue is how one is feeling even though they are doing the CICO/TDEE/all other things "right". The "feeling" is what needs empathy. Not once again suggesting xy or z when one is already following xy or z.1 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Then I'd suggest you talk to those on your wall.11 -
Op you said
you are misunderstanding me.
If I clearly say
I know "xyz" but I'm just frustrated right now
then it's ALSO AN OPTION TO SAY
"I know you are working hard and I am sorry you feel frustrated"
.
If you said "I know about toothpicks but I still have spinach in my teeth and I am so very frustrated about it" which is more helpful?
A. I know you stil have spinach and am sorry you feel frustrated about it
OR
B. Oh I get it, have you tried dental floss? The flat waxed kind works best for me
you are missing the point of EMPATHY entirely.
spinach in my teeth is something different to a feeling of frustration after doing "all the things that everyone says you should do" and not seeing results.2 -
people think they are doing all they can. or they think they are doing it "right" but here are people who've walked the path before you and are trying to help.
if you don't like them, delete them as friends. no one is making you keep them.8 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Then you probably shouldnt post questions where anyone can answer, if you want to control the answers you receive. 🤷🏼♀️
I am talking about posting on my own MFP wall. not in a general forum.
You have control over who sees your wall, so if you feel like people are not giving you the kind of support you feel you need, there's a pretty simple solution - remove those people.
The kind of support you want, might not be the kind of support others give. I personally don't like the kind of support you're looking for, I prefer constructive criticism or advice so I choose to have people who do so on my list and lose those who are the ra-ra cheerleader kind.
This after all is not real life and you're not be-holden to anyone here.
12 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »Here's human nature (from me, the expert.)
If you tell someone about a problem you have, they want to help. It's not judgey or mean for them to want to help you.
If you don't want people trying to help you, don't tell them about your problems.
They would be happier and so would you.
nice. glad we aren't friends.
You sound fun! :flowerforyou:
I am actually.
You sound like you don't know what the word "empathy" means.
But... you're complaining about people on your FL... in the forums... I am so confused. I need more coffee. 🤦🏼♀️16 -
A few things:
- sometimes posts I see aren't clear, whether the person is looking for sympathy (venting) or looking for actual advice
- human nature?
- specifically the nature of your MFP friends?
I vent occasionally on my wall. Some express sympathy. Some give advice (that I agree or disagree with).
I comment on others' posts occasionally. Sometimes with encouragement, sometimes with advice. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what people are looking for on MFP (advice or encouragement, or both).6 -
I find people want to help and provide what they feel is constructive and/or helpful advice when one is frustrated. I understand where you would like for people to respond with an empathetic response vs a constructive/helpful one...but being a highly sensitive and empathetic person myself the irony for me is I don’t want you to tell me “that sucks” I want the opposite. I want you to offer me what has perhaps helped you even if I am already doing it...having said that people are going to respond in the way they feel it would be most helpful if it were they themselves in the same scenario.
Btw hang in there, it is unfortunate if you feel you are doing all the right things with no results...you just have to stay the course. Best of luck!4 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Ditch them and get new friends.10
This discussion has been closed.
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