Empathy is also motivation and support (a slight rant?)
Replies
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missysippy930 wrote: »It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.
again i AM my own cheerleader. that is not what my post is about. sometimes even cheerleaders need a hug.3 -
Sounds like you could work on your communication skills if your friends (ex-friends....) didn't realise that despite not getting the results you desire you don't want help to fix that.
"I'm not looking for advice but....."
If this issue keeps happening or multiple people misinterpret your needs/wants then the fault is more likely with the writer and not the readers.
e.g. when I had a maximal effort fitness test I told the lab tech very clearIy didn't want dumb "come on", "push", "you can do it" comments. All I wanted (and communicated clearly) was I wanted data from him, not cheerleading.
PS - bit of feedback, you are coming across as pretty rude about people just giving up some of their free time to try and help. People don't need formal qualifications to have experience and knowledge. And there's a lot of people with experience of being overweight and also of losing their excess weight despite facing similar hurdles to you.14 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Also you pick your own friends. If you're not happy with the people you picked then pick new ones and be specific that you aren't interested in helpful advice. I had a woman who sent me a friend request along with other people. The next day she posted saying that we were all to respond to her posts everyday and cheer her on. One guy said "sorry I don't post much" and I thought "you know, I'm not interested in being this woman's cheerleader", so I wrote something similar. I was quickly disfriended. I was so happy.
I am interested in helpful advise!
But when I post "I know x y and z, but I'm just frustrated" how is that your (general you) cue to start telling me what I'm doing wrong, or "I already told you blah blah blah"? Do you not know the difference between when someone is asking for advise and when someone just needs a virtual hug?
People don't, because they don't know you. They're on the internet, and the written word makes it even harder to tell. Maybe you should have some empathy for the people just trying to help you.16 -
**edit**
That cheerleader hug gif makes me reallllllllllly uncomfortable. Deleting....
**squirming**shake it off, cmr, shake it off**7 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.
again i AM my own cheerleader. that is not what my post is about. sometimes even cheerleaders need a hug.
Well good for you! There’s a hug for you❤️
AGAIN, you’re never going to get 100% support on an Internet forum, so don’t expect it. Even if you say the sky is blue, someone will disagree. Accept it for your own peace of mind.3 -
Sometimes there is not an answer other than it sucks. I know my weight went up today because I ate a restaurant yesterday. I am human. Yes it does suck. However, if there is any chance I might still think I did something wrong and my weight went up because of fat... thinking that SUCKS FAR MORE.
One of the biggest reasons I failed to make progress for decades is that I didn't get that my weight fluctuates for reasons other than fat. I would see a higher weight and then restrict myself more and move more to try an "fix" it. The next next day it might still be up or up even higher. This always led to me being so miserable that I could not keep it up.
If there is any chance me being an "expert", "know-it-all', or general PITA helps someone avoid my mistakes... that is something I can live with.
I think it is rude to tell people they are volunteering their time to help others wrong. Maybe that is just me.5 -
People don't, because they don't know you. They're on the internet, and the written word makes it even harder to tell. Maybe you should have some empathy for the people just trying to help you.
hahahaha yes ok. it's my fault. I made it extremely clear what I said. So it should be pretty clear I'm looking for something besides advise. but, ok.
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I find that both on the MFP wall and on the boards, the vast vast majority of people here are just trying to be helpful and supportive in the best way they know how. That may not always jive with the best way you like to be supported. But just like real life, not everyone is meant to be MFP friends. It seems like it would have been more beneficial to take this up with the people on your wall, as I'm sure nobody was trying to do it in bad faith. But it's totally okay to move on from those who you don't gel with, which it seems like you have.
But it also seems like if you approach interactions with a general attitude that everyone is trying to support you the best way they know how, then perhaps they can be taken as more supportive and less upsetting. Empathy is a two way street. You can also empathize with whoever is making the comments by trying to understand where they are coming from, and taking their comments in good faith that they were likely intended with.
Personally, I'm just happy when anyone interacts with my stuff, considering most MFP friends don't. If it's advice or comments I don't find useful, I just move on from them.11 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.
again i AM my own cheerleader. that is not what my post is about. sometimes even cheerleaders need a hug.
i am here to keep tabs on my eating and whatever my workouts amount to. i also have major major health issues. there are times my mfp friends are supportive of my rants about cancer, and there are times they say nothing. and that's ok. i can't and would not demand anything from anyone. in the same way everyone has their own issues, we can't do it all and be everything to each person. that is asking too much. everyone has enough going on in their lives. i've certainly got enough of my plate that i DEFINITELY didn't ask for. but i'm grateful for this community nonetheless. and right now - i'm just grateful to be alive
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no flames being thrown, sometimes all we need is an understanding ear listening and only listening. Can I be your friend?4
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Sometimes there is not an answer other than it sucks. I know my weight went up today because I ate a restaurant yesterday. I am human. Yes it does suck. However, if there is any chance I might still think I did something wrong and my weight went up because of fat... thinking that SUCKS FAR MORE.
One of the biggest reasons I failed to make progress for decades is that I didn't get that my weight fluctuates for reasons other than fat. I would see a higher weight and then restrict myself more and move more to try an "fix" it. The next next day it might still be up or up even higher. This always led to me being so miserable that I could not keep it up.
If there is any chance me being an "expert", "know-it-all', or general PITA helps someone avoid my mistakes... that is something I can live with.
I think it is rude to tell people they are volunteering their time to help others wrong. Maybe that is just me.
for a moment there I thought you were agreeing with me.
But now I'm rude I guess. No one is volunteering their time here just to help others. Everyone is here for their own benefit.
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missysippy930 wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.
again i AM my own cheerleader. that is not what my post is about. sometimes even cheerleaders need a hug.
Well good for you! There’s a hug for you❤️
AGAIN, you’re never going to get 100% support on an Internet forum, so don’t expect it. Even if you say the sky is blue, someone will disagree. Accept it for your own peace of mind.
thanks for the hug.
what is the point of being on MFP then if not for support?1 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.
again i AM my own cheerleader. that is not what my post is about. sometimes even cheerleaders need a hug.
Well good for you! There’s a hug for you❤️
AGAIN, you’re never going to get 100% support on an Internet forum, so don’t expect it. Even if you say the sky is blue, someone will disagree. Accept it for your own peace of mind.
thanks for the hug.
what is the point of being on MFP then if not for support?
Count calories.14 -
Sounds like you could work on your communication skills if your friends (ex-friends....) didn't realise that despite not getting the results you desire you don't want help to fix that.
"I'm not looking for advice but....."
If this issue keeps happening or multiple people misinterpret your needs/wants then the fault is more likely with the writer and not the readers.
e.g. when I had a maximal effort fitness test I told the lab tech very clearIy didn't want dumb "come on", "push", "you can do it" comments. All I wanted (and communicated clearly) was I wanted data from him, not cheerleading.
PS - bit of feedback, you are coming across as pretty rude about people just giving up some of their free time to try and help. People don't need formal qualifications to have experience and knowledge. And there's a lot of people with experience of being overweight and also of losing their excess weight despite facing similar hurdles to you.
no one is giving up their free time to try and help. we're all on here for the same reason. If I'm truly putting someone out then I would hope they would just scroll on by.
thanks for the unsolicited feedback as well.1 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.
again i AM my own cheerleader. that is not what my post is about. sometimes even cheerleaders need a hug.
Well good for you! There’s a hug for you❤️
AGAIN, you’re never going to get 100% support on an Internet forum, so don’t expect it. Even if you say the sky is blue, someone will disagree. Accept it for your own peace of mind.
thanks for the hug.
what is the point of being on MFP then if not for support?
Sharing of knowledge and experience.
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runlaugheatpie wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »Have you posted this rant on your personal feed? Have you tried reaching out to the people who gave advice to tell them that’s not the response you were looking for?
Have you defriended the ones you feel are most egregious in their “tough love/no empathy”?
Bringing your complaints over here and not clarifying up front that this wasn’t about some thread you started in the forums, but rather an issue with feedback on your personal feed, is an example of you not communicating to my expectations. Should I start a thread about how people complain and don’t provide full details? Maybe I should post it on my own wall so my friends wonder if my vague assertions are directed at them?
Many of us are still around here after years of participation because we have knowledge and advice to share and countless people find that helpful. I don’t look for blind support on here, cheerleading or empathy. That’s what my husband and real life friends are for. When I struggle I want to know what to do about it. I’ve always gotten great advice here and I pride myself on trying to do the same but it’s going to be direct and science based. To me that’s the best kind of support I get and can give.
does it really matter if it was on my feed or in the forum? I see it here all the time as well. Empathy is missing.
Maybe spend more time in the motivation/support section, and the success stories section. Some people find a lot of inspiration in there and there’s usually lots of cheerleading.
I truly am sorry you’re struggling with your weight loss but I just fail to see how asking me to depart from my natural communication style of direct questions to help offer advice to solve problems - is going to benefit you. But here you go....
I’m so sorry! That sucks! You can do this! Be the best you can be! Scales are the worst! Don’t give up! CICO is never ending! UGH! I feel you! Been there, done that sister! (Hugs)
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runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
I really haven't seen people trying to diagnose the situation when someone clearly says "I am just venting" or "I'm just frustrated." I do see lots of posts with people asking for help or, indeed, legitimately panicking about a scale fluctuation, and in the latter case I think understanding it's just water is important. I haven't seen "I've not lost for a month" dismissed as just water.
I did not see (or don't recall) your prior posts, so perhaps that did happen to you. I think it's helpful to keep in mind that people are just trying to help. I really don't want people micromanaging my own struggles as for me it's important to figure it out myself, so I don't do posts like "I haven't lost for 10 weeks, why not?" or whatnot, even though I know the posts in response would be supportive and intended to help. I might post a thread like "let's vent here -- no advice needed!" if I wanted to vent only. (This is often a conversational style difference between people too -- it's stereotyped as man vs woman but it's not, so I think people need to be clear and say "I am just trying to express my own frustration as part of my process and would love commiseration, but I don't want advice." Some probably will still give it (and mean to help), but that's just the internet.
And I'm sure most of us can relate to the feeling of frustration!
(I find the suggestion that responding to a perceived request for help or advice, even if misunderstood, with that as "trying to show off or acting super smart" -- both of which are pretty mean and uncharitable comments -- to be the opposite of the kind of kindness that is being asked for here, but you did not say that, and I hope you are not thinking of other posters who are trying to be helpful people in that way.)8 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »I see it another way, there could be someone not as knowledgeable as you reading the same post and could really benefit from seeing some useful information they may not have otherwise known
I'm posting on my own MFP wall. And everyone responding is an expert in their own minds.
in the meantime I'm busy with this for much longer than they are. I know a lot about weight, anatomy, physiology, exercise and nutrition.
IF I AM SAYING I AM FRUSTRATED IT'S AN OPTION TO SHOW EMPATHY
or just don't say anything at all.
Oh, wow, I guess I totally misunderstood the post, then.
Tell people what you want and delete them if they have different ideas of support than you.
I don't want support from my wall, so I don't interact there much. With the few friends I have I try to be sensitive to what they seem to be interested in, but if you and someone else don't seem to see eye to eye, delete them, don't yell at a bunch of others about it!
That last does seem like advice, I guess I should just say "yes, having a bunch of people as friends who you find annoying to interact with really does suck!" I can't relate, though, to that one.6 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »Sometimes there is not an answer other than it sucks. I know my weight went up today because I ate a restaurant yesterday. I am human. Yes it does suck. However, if there is any chance I might still think I did something wrong and my weight went up because of fat... thinking that SUCKS FAR MORE.
One of the biggest reasons I failed to make progress for decades is that I didn't get that my weight fluctuates for reasons other than fat. I would see a higher weight and then restrict myself more and move more to try an "fix" it. The next next day it might still be up or up even higher. This always led to me being so miserable that I could not keep it up.
If there is any chance me being an "expert", "know-it-all', or general PITA helps someone avoid my mistakes... that is something I can live with.
I think it is rude to tell people they are volunteering their time to help others wrong. Maybe that is just me.
for a moment there I thought you were agreeing with me.
But now I'm rude I guess. No one is volunteering their time here just to help others. Everyone is here for their own benefit.
That is what you are failing to realize. It is not either or. I think most people that explain why it is happening agree that on some level it sucks. Everything would be easier if weight loss showed linear results on the scale. It would certainly do away with a lot of myths.
Do you have any idea how tedious it is for people to keep asking the same questions and need you to give the same answers you have given hundreds of time or more? I may get some benefit when I have questions and the benefits of discussing things among people that understand but a fair percentage of the time I am just trying to help. Weight loss has dramatically changed my life and I want to help others achieve the same.9 -
Maybe it's in your approach? Have you made it clear that you aren't looking for advice, but just to vent frustration? I ask because when I posted a vent/frustration post, all I got were the types of responses it seems you're looking for. Perhaps more clear communication would help you receive what you're looking for. Here's how I did it:Disclaimer: I know the weight will come off. I know I have to give it time. I know the weight fluctuations are normal. I am weighing/logging all my food.
That said, I'm just having a frustrated moment and want to vent a bit. I have been up and down between 202.6 and 204.8 for the last two weeks. I'm SO close to hitting the under 200 mark and just haven't quite gotten there. I'm very much looking forward to the next woosh! I just wish it would happen NOW lol
I keep reminding myself that I've begun more exercise than I've done in the last 30 years and that's going to cause some water retention. I remind myself that I'm now able to walk two miles when 0.2 miles used to have me winded and wanting to die. I've gotten up to two miles on the bike when I hadn't ridden one in 30 years or more. And that's with hills, so there's that.
I KNOW all of these things, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating when the scale seems stuck for a while.
Posting as much to let others know it happens to us all as I am to vent... but really needed to vent.
Thanks for listening!
Here's the thread where you can see the responses I got: https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10671303/not-losing-weight-vent/p1
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