Saboteurs
vampirequeen1959
Posts: 196 Member
I need to lose a lot of weight and to do that I need to avoid/limit certain foods i.e. refined and sugary products. It’s OK at home because my husband needs to lose weight too so we’re supporting each other. My problem is other people; most of whom have nagged me about my weight for many years. Why, when they know you’re trying to eat healthily, do they insist on trying to tempt you or call you miserable when you say that you don’t want a piece of cake or a dessert? Of course, I want the cake/dessert but I want to lose weight even more. It doesn’t make me a miserable person if I avoid foods that will hamper me. The cake/dessert will always be available to me so it’s not as if I’m turning down my last opportunity to ever eat it. I just don’t want to indulge. My change of lifestyle is going well and I don’t want to scupper it before it becomes a total way of life. I’ve not become the food police. I don’t care what anyone else eats. It’s just not for me atm.
Sorry I think this has turned into a rant.
Sorry I think this has turned into a rant.
25
Replies
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You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.8
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I wasn't able to maintain my weight until I adopted some pretty strict rules. One was that I (almost) NEVER eat sweets at work except for the Kind bars that I keep in the drawer. Yes, I go to the break room and someone has put out a tub of cookies. Also, I bring two pieces of fruit with me to work every day. Those are my planned snacks.
Usually, they're store made crap that's not worth eating, so it's not so hard.
Sometimes it's a bit harder.
When it's my turn to put something out, I put out fruit!
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I know what you mean. People like to do this to me too. It is infuriating. I now have a (lamentable) reason to rebuff them and not be terribly conciliatory about it. I look them dead in the eye and say "I'm diabetic. And that is that."6
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I know what you mean. People like to do this to me too. It is infuriating. I now have a (lamentable) reason to rebuff them and not be terribly conciliatory about it. I look them dead in the eye and say "I'm diabetic. And that is that."
I say this as well! It shuts everyone down really fast and they never bother you again!3 -
It sure as heck prevents me from rationalizing a reason to eat something that is not part of my plan!2
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Call them out on it. "Wow how unkind of you to pressure me to have something when I have already said no. I know you probably care about me and my health and are not trying to make this harder for me but you are making it harder. When I say no thank you please respect my choice"
People will be stunned and then realize they are making it harder and stop.17 -
It sure as heck prevents me from rationalizing a reason to eat something that is not part of my plan!
It becomes quite annoying having to explain, justify or give an excuse every single time. When you tell people you are trying to lose weight they don't respect your efforts but they will respect a medical reason even if you dont have one. LOL!2 -
I get really pissed off when I get questioned about why I'm eating or not eating a certain food, it's none of anyone else business what I put in my mouth. I have IBS and have a lot of weight to loose, so I have to be particular. I find my work colleagues and family to be the worst offenders, unfortunately I can't tell them to f off, I do like to tell them it will give me diarrhea lol, it certainly has the desired affect on my work colleagues, my fam on the other hand are still argumentative jerks8
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Call them out on it. "Wow how unkind of you to pressure me to have something when I have already said no. I know you probably care about me and my health and are not trying to make this harder for me but you are making it harder. When I say no thank you please respect my choice"
People will be stunned and then realize they are making it harder and stop.
Love it! Great plan for the types of people in the OP.
My mother is a food pusher. She's just being hospitable. I just say "no thanks" a whole bunch of times. This doesn't bother me. Last time I was there we had guests who didn't say no to anything. I should have warned them, lol.
Other people respond to the "I have a calorie budget and this does not fit into it" analogy.1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
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So much sympathy with this.
People can be thoughtless and can make this journey harder.
Sometimes, I think people can also get worried about change. When we change, I think it exerts social pressure on other people in our lives, in a way, and so they may not be so excited, at some level, about the work we are doing.
If you want, you might take a look at this Psychology Today article, which has some ideas on how to deal with the problem:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201702/is-someone-sabotaging-your-weight-loss-goals
Anyway, good luck, and hang in there!3 -
vampirequeen1959 wrote: »I need to lose a lot of weight and to do that I need to avoid/limit certain foods i.e. refined and sugary products. It’s OK at home because my husband needs to lose weight too so we’re supporting each other. My problem is other people; most of whom have nagged me about my weight for many years. Why, when they know you’re trying to eat healthily, do they insist on trying to tempt you or call you miserable when you say that you don’t want a piece of cake or a dessert? Of course, I want the cake/dessert but I want to lose weight even more. It doesn’t make me a miserable person if I avoid foods that will hamper me. The cake/dessert will always be available to me so it’s not as if I’m turning down my last opportunity to ever eat it. I just don’t want to indulge. My change of lifestyle is going well and I don’t want to scupper it before it becomes a total way of life. I’ve not become the food police. I don’t care what anyone else eats. It’s just not for me atm.
Sorry I think this has turned into a rant.
Some people will judge the dessert themselves as an unnecessary indulgence but by getting everyone to eat it justifies their decision to eat too. Probably a variation of herd mentality. If you make the choice they believe they should make not to eat then by talking you into it they are really just projecting what is going on in their own head.
In other words you make them feel guilty. That is still all on them. They should adult better.10 -
I like this topic. First, you have to teach people how to treat you. Second, some people are unteachable. And, a crisis is often a venue for identifying those people. Finally, you have to make room for new people in your life. The unteachable ones will provide that room if you let them . . . go.8
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paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
Those people called OP miserable to not wanting to eat what they offered. Toxic people are toxic. They can be family and or friends or coworkers.
If people don't have your best interests at heart, why keep them around? Being family does not give you a pass to be crappy. 🤷🏼♀️7 -
I agree with removing TOXIC people from your life. I removed my brother. He made it a very easy decision after years of putting up with his *kitten*!5
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
Those people called OP miserable to not wanting to eat what they offered. Toxic people are toxic. They can be family and or friends or coworkers.
If people don't have your best interests at heart, why keep them around? Being family does not give you a pass to be crappy. 🤷🏼♀️
Usually relationships with people are more nuanced than that and people don't want to fall out with their family over this and they can't just remove all their work colleagues.
Better approach: learn to say a closed No.
4 -
paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
Those people called OP miserable to not wanting to eat what they offered. Toxic people are toxic. They can be family and or friends or coworkers.
If people don't have your best interests at heart, why keep them around? Being family does not give you a pass to be crappy. 🤷🏼♀️
Usually relationships with people are more nuanced than that and people don't want to fall out with their family over this and they can't just remove all their work colleagues.
Better approach: learn to say a closed No.
And after no doesn't work... and further unnecessary comments occur. It's ok to move on from people.
And as far as work goes, there is always HR if someone feels it's their job to be the food police.7 -
vampirequeen1959 wrote: »I need to lose a lot of weight and to do that I need to avoid/limit certain foods i.e. refined and sugary products. It’s OK at home because my husband needs to lose weight too so we’re supporting each other. My problem is other people; most of whom have nagged me about my weight for many years. Why, when they know you’re trying to eat healthily, do they insist on trying to tempt you or call you miserable when you say that you don’t want a piece of cake or a dessert? Of course, I want the cake/dessert but I want to lose weight even more. It doesn’t make me a miserable person if I avoid foods that will hamper me. The cake/dessert will always be available to me so it’s not as if I’m turning down my last opportunity to ever eat it. I just don’t want to indulge. My change of lifestyle is going well and I don’t want to scupper it before it becomes a total way of life. I’ve not become the food police. I don’t care what anyone else eats. It’s just not for me atm.
Sorry I think this has turned into a rant.
When I have been pushed too far, when I have said no and then no again and maybe even have had to say it one more time, I have been known to say "do you not think I am fat enough already then?".
It works.1 -
Dessert in a restaurant - No, I'm too full to manage dessert.
Dessert at someone's house when they won't take no for an answer - it looks lovely but I really am so terribly full. Would you mind letting me have a small portion to take home for later? ( If there is nobody at home not watching their weight then said portion ends up in the bin, but sometimes it's a necessary food waste. Or you factor it into your calories.)
I've found it useful to order a tea or coffee while others have dessert. Then you are doing something and they don't feel you are staring at them eating and silently judging them. (I know you're not, of course.)8 -
Yes good topic OP! Cliche’s abound here. I generally responded with something like “hey you can have mine too and gain that extra pound”...or “it’s not on my plan” or something similar. I used “you can have that sugar salt and fat all you want” to great success. And that one helped remind me of why I wasn’t going to have it as it made it much less appealing! Like another said, most of the time was not something Worth it anyway. (Couple of tomes it was and a couple of times I had it...like homemade strawberry cake). Anyway with most around me it was more joking type taunts/offers in a workplace and some really do justify their eating it because, (aforementioned cliches) “everyone is doing it”. “Misery loves company”, etc. After some weight loss success it got WAY easier to fend off the offers! And it got Way easier for food pushers to slack up probably from guilt. Some jokers would still push hard if they brought something special. Hey I like to make good food of all kinds and I like sharing it with others so I’m a food pusher as well.2
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Yes good topic OP! Cliche’s abound here. I generally responded with something like “hey you can have mine too and gain that extra pound”...or “it’s not on my plan” or something similar. I used “you can have that sugar salt and fat all you want” to great success. And that one helped remind me of why I wasn’t going to have it as it made it much less appealing! Like another said, most of the time was not something Worth it anyway. (Couple of tomes it was and a couple of times I had it...like homemade strawberry cake). Anyway with most around me it was more joking type taunts/offers in a workplace and some really do justify their eating it because, (aforementioned cliches) “everyone is doing it”. “Misery loves company”, etc. After some weight loss success it got WAY easier to fend off the offers! And it got Way easier for food pushers to slack up probably from guilt. Some jokers would still push hard if they brought something special. Hey I like to make good food of all kinds and I like sharing it with others so I’m a food pusher as well.
Yes, the way I moderate the baked goods I make is to give most of it away. I don't want to be an obnoxious food pusher, so was relieved when my neighbor complained I wasn't sending enough cookies over, lol. Apparently one chocolate cherry chunk cookie is just a tease.
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I can pretty much make "no, thank you" work . . . on broken-record repeat, in a pleasant tone of voice; on repeat # 3 (if it goes that far) looking the person right in the eye, unblinking, not looking away, smiling, but continuing to repeat.
Socially, I have a very large personal preference - which others need not share - for staying on the high road, which means being polite and pleasant, especially in settings that aren't one-on-one. (That's not about avoiding witnesses , it's about recognizing that other people like to save face.)
This rest of this comment, I'm not aiming at OP, because I don't see the signs in the OP, but more just riffing on past threads on related topics.
As a little ol' granny-type woman who likes to see people succeed with their weight goals, I always worry about someone who comes on with very strong, absolutist (more than OP) complaints about saboteurs, saying they can't lose weight because people push treats at the office, or their spouse puts treat foods on the counter, or whatever.
For myself, at least, I'm a firm believer that the best return on my time/effort/energy investment comes from focusing on the parts of a situation I can control, or at least have good odds of influencing. Other focuses are likely to be mostly a waste of my time, other than a few minutes thought about what my non-negotiable obstacles are, and how I'm going to get around or over them. (This is not just about weight and nutrition for me; it's somewhere near the core of my general life philosophy.)
For nutrition and body weight, I have pretty close to absolute control over what I put in my mouth and swallow. That's the final control. If I do that, I made a choice to do it.
After that, everything else is about practicalities (where do I eat, when, who cooks, who picks the menu, etc.), or about getting along with others.
Clearly, life is complicated, so the above is presented a bit black and white for clarity, but that's the gist. Just my approach, just my opinions.12 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
Those people called OP miserable to not wanting to eat what they offered. Toxic people are toxic. They can be family and or friends or coworkers.
If people don't have your best interests at heart, why keep them around? Being family does not give you a pass to be crappy. 🤷🏼♀️
Usually relationships with people are more nuanced than that and people don't want to fall out with their family over this and they can't just remove all their work colleagues.
Better approach: learn to say a closed No.
And after no doesn't work... and further unnecessary comments occur. It's ok to move on from people.
And as far as work goes, there is always HR if someone feels it's their job to be the food police.
But mostly people dont want to move on from people - they like their family and this food pushing is just one thing about a person, they dont want to move on from them
and sure you could go to HR at work - but I think situation would have to be pretty extreme for that
like I said, that approach seems extreme to me - and mostly impractical.
3 -
paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
Those people called OP miserable to not wanting to eat what they offered. Toxic people are toxic. They can be family and or friends or coworkers.
If people don't have your best interests at heart, why keep them around? Being family does not give you a pass to be crappy. 🤷🏼♀️
Usually relationships with people are more nuanced than that and people don't want to fall out with their family over this and they can't just remove all their work colleagues.
Better approach: learn to say a closed No.
And after no doesn't work... and further unnecessary comments occur. It's ok to move on from people.
And as far as work goes, there is always HR if someone feels it's their job to be the food police.
But mostly people dont want to move on from people - they like their family and this food pushing is just one thing about a person, they dont want to move on from them
and sure you could go to HR at work - but I think situation would have to be pretty extreme for that
like I said, that approach seems extreme to me - and mostly impractical.
@Chef_Barbell mentioned toxic people in her first reply. You know, the ones who continually violate your boundaries. If the people in the OP's life were sincere in calling her miserable when she turned something down, that's pretty nasty. (Even if they meant to be funny, it's not funny.)
So yes, people do need to protect themselves from toxic relationships, which can take various forms, including cutting those people out.7 -
yes, sure in extreme cases - thats what I said too.
But in most cases, no, I dont think that is the answer.
anyway thats enough from me.2 -
If someone literally called me names for saying no thanks I would definitely reevaluate if I wanted to be around them.4
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One has to make room for new people in ones life. People who repeatedly make me feel bad can still be good people, and they can have good friends - just not me. I would not hesitate to move on. And, let them move on.3
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If someone literally called me names for saying no thanks I would definitely reevaluate if I wanted to be around them.
Exactly this...kshama2001 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »You have the right attitude about this! Lose those toxic people in your life, you'll be better off.
Well that seems a little extreme - as well as impractical.
most people dont want to lose their family,friends, work colleagues over this.
and most people are not being toxic - they are trying to be nice and some of them get carried away and overstep the mark.
Practice a polite but firm and closed No - dont get drawn into excuses, justifying, counter arguements.
No, I'm trying to lose weight, end of story
(or I'm diabetic, gluten intolerant etc - but only if you are)
Those people called OP miserable to not wanting to eat what they offered. Toxic people are toxic. They can be family and or friends or coworkers.
If people don't have your best interests at heart, why keep them around? Being family does not give you a pass to be crappy. 🤷🏼♀️
Usually relationships with people are more nuanced than that and people don't want to fall out with their family over this and they can't just remove all their work colleagues.
Better approach: learn to say a closed No.
And after no doesn't work... and further unnecessary comments occur. It's ok to move on from people.
And as far as work goes, there is always HR if someone feels it's their job to be the food police.
But mostly people dont want to move on from people - they like their family and this food pushing is just one thing about a person, they dont want to move on from them
and sure you could go to HR at work - but I think situation would have to be pretty extreme for that
like I said, that approach seems extreme to me - and mostly impractical.
@Chef_Barbell mentioned toxic people in her first reply. You know, the ones who continually violate your boundaries. If the people in the OP's life were sincere in calling her miserable when she turned something down, that's pretty nasty. (Even if they meant to be funny, it's not funny.)
So yes, people do need to protect themselves from toxic relationships, which can take various forms, including cutting those people out.
And this...wilson10102018 wrote: »One has to make room for new people in ones life. People who repeatedly make me feel bad can still be good people, and they can have good friends - just not me. I would not hesitate to move on. And, let them move on.
And definitely this... 🤷🏼♀️2 -
I’ve been saying something for a while now that works for me “ no thanks- I’ve already exceeded my daily and lifetime allotment of (cake, pie etc).”
It seems to stop people in their tracks and reminds me that I am doing this by choice- not being forced.
I honestly believe that people are actually afraid of losing a friend when you change your habits radically. They want their own comfort and don’t intentionally want to sabotage your efforts- it’s just they feel threatened by your willpower.4 -
Onedaywriter wrote: »I’ve been saying something for a while now that works for me “ no thanks- I’ve already exceeded my daily and lifetime allotment of (cake, pie etc).”
I love that and am going to shamelessly steal it.
3
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