Once the trust is broken

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ginny1214
ginny1214 Posts: 338
in Chit-Chat
how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.
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Replies

  • brittanyjeanxo
    brittanyjeanxo Posts: 1,831 Member
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    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Fortunately, this has never happened to me, but I think it depends on the people and their relationship. I personally think that while I could forgive and try to move on, I wouldn't ever be able to fully trust someone after that, and would ultimately end it. You can't have a relationship without trust, you just can't.
  • ginny1214
    ginny1214 Posts: 338
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    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Fortunately, this has never happened to me, but I think it depends on the people and their relationship. I personally think that while I could forgive and try to move on, I wouldn't ever be able to fully trust someone after that, and would ultimately end it. You can't have a relationship without trust, you just can't.

    I agree. I really feel like just giving up in our marriage. Part of me says it will be better, another part is saying I want my family back. But I don't think it could ever be normal again.
  • hazelnut861
    hazelnut861 Posts: 390 Member
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    From experience trust can be worked on but it takes tine and effort. Unfortunately that doesn't sound like the underlying problem here. Find support and try to move on. There's no point in trying if he doesn't want to.
  • GrannyCynth
    GrannyCynth Posts: 34 Member
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    This has happened to me it is horrible, you both have to make it work. He wants you to blame yourself and not him. It won't work get the divorce and never look back otherwise you could waste a good part of your life, I know I did.
  • azingale
    azingale Posts: 74
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    Not only did he cheat, he cheated with your friend.That makes it even worse. He obviously is not worthy of trust from you or anyone. In my mind, anyway, it's that simple.
  • DyannAlvarez
    DyannAlvarez Posts: 162 Member
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    I've been there. It's a very long road to recovery. Don't jump into a divorce. That doesn't make anything better. Just be patient. I have to say this though... If it weren't for the Grace of God I wouldn't have survived it. It's devastating and my heart breaks for you. My best suggestion for you would be to get before God. Only He can mend your heart. You have to heal but I am here to tell you that THERE IS HEALING. I wish I could tell you that if you do "this and this" things will work out. I don't know what will happen. If there's not a change in your husbands heart and a repentance, you'll encounter this again and again. Just sit and be still. It's so soon afterwards - you take care of you. If he can't do that for you, then you concentrate on YOU. Be patient and pray. I feel so bad for you I want to cry! It's a terrible thing to have to endure. Good Luck Sweetie. Friend me if you'd like.
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
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    Did you say he is saying that this is not his fault and he doesn't want to try to salvage the marriage? That is your answer. He doesn't want to try. Sad as it seems you can't have a marriage with one person. It also has only been a couple of months. My ex and I divorced in 2005...we started dating again in 2010 and just moved back in together. Sometimes it can be rebuilt but it takes time and healing
  • thegymbunny
    thegymbunny Posts: 602 Member
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    he says he doesn't want to make it work?


    Then...yes my dear you deserve so much better.

    I am so so so so so very sorry that you have to deal with this, just awful.
  • shesblossoming
    shesblossoming Posts: 426
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    He doesn't even feel some form of guilt for what he did? That's... really strange. Was your relationship strained before this happened as well? I hate to pry, but you mentioned that he said you would never change. Were there underlying problems?

    If I'm asking too much, I apologize. I don't mean to.

    Unfortunately, you are going to get the "you deserve better" bit from me. Once someone cheats, they've completely cut the respect and trust out of a relationship. It's disgusting and regardless of any underlying problems, it's not what people should turn to in a relationship. And if he doesn't want to, it makes it easier for you to move on, find your own support system, and make the life you really want for yourself.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
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    well maybe one day you'll be able to trust him on other matters not concerning his junk and where he puts it. It's going to be a long road to hoe for sure. Maybe one day you'll even find it in your heart to forgive him. For now you should focus on the positives in your life and what you want to do next. Maybe some therapy would be good too....

    Hang in there.
  • adamcf
    adamcf Posts: 126
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    Trust can be regained. I've seen it in some difficult marriages. My best advice can only be to pray, even if you don't pray. Talk to God if you're willing. That has worked for me in much more difficult circumstances. Also, you can only work on you. You can't fix him. Only do what you can. Go for what you want and need. Praying; putting trust in God will lead you towards what God knows is perfect for you.
  • getitoffhord
    getitoffhord Posts: 21
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    This is my advice. No one can tell you whether or not you should get back with your husband....that is a decision you have to soul search yourself for. While you can never forget infedility, you can forgive...I know first hand. Both you and your husband have to be 100% whole heartedly ready to give your marriage a try or it will never work. No marriage or relationship is perfect, but if two people are trying their best to make things work it will, and if not, it wont. Regardless of what caused him to cheat, he hurt you and an apology is not too much to ask.

    I hope you get to feeling better. Go for a drive, just be by yourself and think about your life. Solace helps big time! Make the best decision for you and your children if you have any. Take care hun!
  • emmaNEEDSskinny
    emmaNEEDSskinny Posts: 317
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    i think when the trust is gone its gone :(<3
    best of luck x
  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
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    ...he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault.

    that's a HUGE problem right here. I'd say THIS problem overshadows even the infidelity. He clearly takes no responsibility & blames you for his indiscretions. IMO, until he assumes his responsibility & admits that he was in the wrong, he will never change. He needs to take responsibility for his part in the marriage, and for his part in the problems. Until he does that, it will definitely be downhill.
  • Elixandra
    Elixandra Posts: 299 Member
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    Im sorry your going through this. And to me it sounds like he is done with your marriage. If he hasn't said sorry and says he dosnt want to work on it. I wouldn't trust him just based on that fact.
    If he really wanted to be with you he would say hes sorry and wouldn't blame you for him being unfaithful. But if he is really sorry and you both work things out. You can trust again. But its going to take a looonnnngg time before you trust him fully. And he needs to show you he really loves you and wont do it again.
  • BAMA66
    BAMA66 Posts: 240
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    In my opinion once the trust is gone it's gone. I can't trust someone once they give me a reason not too but everyone is different.
  • eelamme
    eelamme Posts: 1,135 Member
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    In most cases, I would say yes, the trust can eventually be rebuilt. Sadly, if your husband isn't willing to take responsibility for his part in it all than I would say no for he only has his happiness in mind. Big Hugs!
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
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    If he's not willing to fix it, then yeah, it's time to move on.

    MAYBE if he was regretful and was trying to do everything he could to regain trust, it might be fixable but that is NOT the case.
  • getitoffhord
    getitoffhord Posts: 21
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    Very true!! Pray, pray, pray when you are searching for answers.
  • raevynn
    raevynn Posts: 666 Member
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    Run, don't walk, to a therapist that deals with relationship issues.

    If he will go with you, great. If not, go by yourself.

    You need someone who can help you deal with this, and who can help you map out your future, either as a couple, or not.

    Yes, I've been there.

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