Once the trust is broken

ginny1214
ginny1214 Posts: 338
edited October 2 in Chit-Chat
how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.
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Replies

  • brittanyjeanxo
    brittanyjeanxo Posts: 1,831 Member
    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Fortunately, this has never happened to me, but I think it depends on the people and their relationship. I personally think that while I could forgive and try to move on, I wouldn't ever be able to fully trust someone after that, and would ultimately end it. You can't have a relationship without trust, you just can't.
  • ginny1214
    ginny1214 Posts: 338
    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Fortunately, this has never happened to me, but I think it depends on the people and their relationship. I personally think that while I could forgive and try to move on, I wouldn't ever be able to fully trust someone after that, and would ultimately end it. You can't have a relationship without trust, you just can't.

    I agree. I really feel like just giving up in our marriage. Part of me says it will be better, another part is saying I want my family back. But I don't think it could ever be normal again.
  • hazelnut861
    hazelnut861 Posts: 390 Member
    From experience trust can be worked on but it takes tine and effort. Unfortunately that doesn't sound like the underlying problem here. Find support and try to move on. There's no point in trying if he doesn't want to.
  • GrannyCynth
    GrannyCynth Posts: 34 Member
    This has happened to me it is horrible, you both have to make it work. He wants you to blame yourself and not him. It won't work get the divorce and never look back otherwise you could waste a good part of your life, I know I did.
  • azingale
    azingale Posts: 74
    Not only did he cheat, he cheated with your friend.That makes it even worse. He obviously is not worthy of trust from you or anyone. In my mind, anyway, it's that simple.
  • DyannAlvarez
    DyannAlvarez Posts: 162 Member
    I've been there. It's a very long road to recovery. Don't jump into a divorce. That doesn't make anything better. Just be patient. I have to say this though... If it weren't for the Grace of God I wouldn't have survived it. It's devastating and my heart breaks for you. My best suggestion for you would be to get before God. Only He can mend your heart. You have to heal but I am here to tell you that THERE IS HEALING. I wish I could tell you that if you do "this and this" things will work out. I don't know what will happen. If there's not a change in your husbands heart and a repentance, you'll encounter this again and again. Just sit and be still. It's so soon afterwards - you take care of you. If he can't do that for you, then you concentrate on YOU. Be patient and pray. I feel so bad for you I want to cry! It's a terrible thing to have to endure. Good Luck Sweetie. Friend me if you'd like.
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
    Did you say he is saying that this is not his fault and he doesn't want to try to salvage the marriage? That is your answer. He doesn't want to try. Sad as it seems you can't have a marriage with one person. It also has only been a couple of months. My ex and I divorced in 2005...we started dating again in 2010 and just moved back in together. Sometimes it can be rebuilt but it takes time and healing
  • thegymbunny
    thegymbunny Posts: 602 Member
    he says he doesn't want to make it work?


    Then...yes my dear you deserve so much better.

    I am so so so so so very sorry that you have to deal with this, just awful.
  • shesblossoming
    shesblossoming Posts: 426
    He doesn't even feel some form of guilt for what he did? That's... really strange. Was your relationship strained before this happened as well? I hate to pry, but you mentioned that he said you would never change. Were there underlying problems?

    If I'm asking too much, I apologize. I don't mean to.

    Unfortunately, you are going to get the "you deserve better" bit from me. Once someone cheats, they've completely cut the respect and trust out of a relationship. It's disgusting and regardless of any underlying problems, it's not what people should turn to in a relationship. And if he doesn't want to, it makes it easier for you to move on, find your own support system, and make the life you really want for yourself.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
    well maybe one day you'll be able to trust him on other matters not concerning his junk and where he puts it. It's going to be a long road to hoe for sure. Maybe one day you'll even find it in your heart to forgive him. For now you should focus on the positives in your life and what you want to do next. Maybe some therapy would be good too....

    Hang in there.
  • adamcf
    adamcf Posts: 126
    Trust can be regained. I've seen it in some difficult marriages. My best advice can only be to pray, even if you don't pray. Talk to God if you're willing. That has worked for me in much more difficult circumstances. Also, you can only work on you. You can't fix him. Only do what you can. Go for what you want and need. Praying; putting trust in God will lead you towards what God knows is perfect for you.
  • getitoffhord
    getitoffhord Posts: 21
    This is my advice. No one can tell you whether or not you should get back with your husband....that is a decision you have to soul search yourself for. While you can never forget infedility, you can forgive...I know first hand. Both you and your husband have to be 100% whole heartedly ready to give your marriage a try or it will never work. No marriage or relationship is perfect, but if two people are trying their best to make things work it will, and if not, it wont. Regardless of what caused him to cheat, he hurt you and an apology is not too much to ask.

    I hope you get to feeling better. Go for a drive, just be by yourself and think about your life. Solace helps big time! Make the best decision for you and your children if you have any. Take care hun!
  • emmaNEEDSskinny
    emmaNEEDSskinny Posts: 317
    i think when the trust is gone its gone :(<3
    best of luck x
  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    ...he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault.

    that's a HUGE problem right here. I'd say THIS problem overshadows even the infidelity. He clearly takes no responsibility & blames you for his indiscretions. IMO, until he assumes his responsibility & admits that he was in the wrong, he will never change. He needs to take responsibility for his part in the marriage, and for his part in the problems. Until he does that, it will definitely be downhill.
  • Elixandra
    Elixandra Posts: 299 Member
    Im sorry your going through this. And to me it sounds like he is done with your marriage. If he hasn't said sorry and says he dosnt want to work on it. I wouldn't trust him just based on that fact.
    If he really wanted to be with you he would say hes sorry and wouldn't blame you for him being unfaithful. But if he is really sorry and you both work things out. You can trust again. But its going to take a looonnnngg time before you trust him fully. And he needs to show you he really loves you and wont do it again.
  • BAMA66
    BAMA66 Posts: 240
    In my opinion once the trust is gone it's gone. I can't trust someone once they give me a reason not too but everyone is different.
  • eelamme
    eelamme Posts: 1,135 Member
    In most cases, I would say yes, the trust can eventually be rebuilt. Sadly, if your husband isn't willing to take responsibility for his part in it all than I would say no for he only has his happiness in mind. Big Hugs!
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
    If he's not willing to fix it, then yeah, it's time to move on.

    MAYBE if he was regretful and was trying to do everything he could to regain trust, it might be fixable but that is NOT the case.
  • getitoffhord
    getitoffhord Posts: 21
    Very true!! Pray, pray, pray when you are searching for answers.
  • raevynn
    raevynn Posts: 666 Member
    Run, don't walk, to a therapist that deals with relationship issues.

    If he will go with you, great. If not, go by yourself.

    You need someone who can help you deal with this, and who can help you map out your future, either as a couple, or not.

    Yes, I've been there.
  • Eyematter
    Eyematter Posts: 2
    I am so sorry to hear this, and I understand the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and pure frustration. I too have been through a situation like this. I have learned to tap into my true self. I learned that no matter what you change about yourself, it still won't be "good enough" for the person that you are trying to please. Infidelity is something that is very hard to move past. What I will suggest is definitely get into some counseling. Pick up a healthy hobby and work on yourself. Because after everything is said and done and regardless of the outcome, you still have to be a complete healthy person, to be in any healthy relationship. Again I am truly sorry for you.
  • ginny1214
    ginny1214 Posts: 338
    Thanks ladies. There has been so much, I mean I moved to another state with our two kids to take a break for 6 months. Well I was here for a week and we fight and he tells me he is filing for a divorce, so ok we talked off and on for a few weeks like three weeks, then all of a sudden he starts calling me everyday for 10 days acting like he has a fresher attitude, the whole 9 yards, and a few days ago I ask him where we stood and he tells me"to be honest were probably not getting back together" which was like what totally not the vibe I was given. So then this morning I get an email saying sprint family locator was activated again and sent me n email of my location as well as his, and he (early in the am) is all the way on the other side of town, so naturally I don't trust him, I text him where he was and he needs to delete that feature of our account. So he gets snippy with me saying were not together he doesn't have to tell me where he is or who he is with, and that I haven't changed and I'm e same person I was, and that if he had any inkling of trying to make it work again over the past few weeks it's been smshed now.

    I just feel so hopeless, how can I love someone who obviously doesn't love me or care for me back. And it's like so I have to suffer the consequences of HIS actions
  • thegymbunny
    thegymbunny Posts: 602 Member
    Im sorry your going through this. And to me it sounds like he is done with your marriage. If he hasn't said sorry and says he dosnt want to work on it. I wouldn't trust him just based on that fact.
    If he really wanted to be with you he would say hes sorry and wouldn't blame you for him being unfaithful. But if he is really sorry and you both work things out. You can trust again. But its going to take a looonnnngg time before you trust him fully. And he needs to show you he really loves you and wont do it again.


    this this this this this
  • Laurabetha
    Laurabetha Posts: 15
    Ginny,
    I think you know the answer within yourself and you posted here to get confirmation of the decision. Do what YOU feel is best for you. You have permission to make the decision that YOU want to make. In this case, any decision you make is going to come with bad "stuff". Just weigh the positives and the negatives. If your work has EAP, take advantage of therapy. Just saying things out loud to an objective person can make a world of differences!
  • bachooka
    bachooka Posts: 719 Member
    It never comes back. Everytime that he comes home late from work or he gets a text message, you will wonder who it's from or who he is with. It opens up fresh every time you see something that reminds you or hear something or if your mind just starts to wander. It's terrible.

    I am still married to my husband, but I don't think the trust will ever be there again. Not like it was.
  • RachelSRoach1
    RachelSRoach1 Posts: 435 Member
    You can add me as a friend to talk to me, or message me whenever you may need support. Not only did my husband cheat and we were a month away from being divorced.. we also had a young son. This was a year ago.. and now my husband's and my marriage is better than ever, we have a new son and divorce isn't even in our vocabulary. I am a little busy now but I want you to know it is possible to make it work and I will come back and share it with you when I have time.
  • Eyematter
    Eyematter Posts: 2
    Trust can be regained. I've seen it in some difficult marriages. My best advice can only be to pray, even if you don't pray. Talk to God if you're willing. That has worked for me in much more difficult circumstances. Also, you can only work on you. You can't fix him. Only do what you can. Go for what you want and need. Praying; putting trust in God will lead you towards what God knows is perfect for you.



    I LOVE THIS! SO Trueeee! Work on yourself, because if this one wasn't right for you. God has something better for you!
  • SJT75
    SJT75 Posts: 134
    Hi, this happened to me about 3 years ago. I knew he was seeing someone but it took me finding hard evidence for him to admit it. The difference is that he apologised, was gutted that he had hurt me so badly. We both had counselling and although i no way i condone what he did, i can admit that we were both a little bit to blame for the lack of communication and love in our relationship at the time (that and the 2 small children we had).

    We have worked through it, It was really hard at first and sometimes even now its harder than others to trust him, but i know that if i feel like its getting to me i have to now tell him how i feel, and we talk about it.

    I'm glad we have worked through it, but if my husband hadn't apologised and insisted on blaming me for his actions I don't think it would have worked.

    Go with your instinct as you have to live with your decision....do you love him enough? does he love you enough?

    I'm sorry that you are in that position, I know how you feel......Good Luck with whatever you decide
  • kristarablue
    kristarablue Posts: 702 Member
    Ok, this breaks my heart because I understand much more than I wish I did and I have to tell you that if he does not want to try it will be difficult to make a marriage work it does take two people. I am not sure you can get trust back at this point with the way you have described the situation and honestly it may be unhealthy if you were able to trust him again. Lets look at this, he has not apologized nor has he even begun to make amends. I do not advocate divorce and think that just about anything can be worked through if both parties want to work through them, if that were the case my post would be completely different. He is finding everything you did "wrong" because he is trying to find reasons to justify his infidelity or to justify breaking up of the marriage to himself…please don’t own these reasons…ultimately you doing _______ does not cause unhappiness, we find happiness from within if it is contingent upon another we will never be content, but I am sorry that he is doing that because it feels awful. Unfortunately when we are in that situation we begin to believe it and then we are beaten down over and over until we are a former shell of who we once were and it takes time effort, energy and strength to come out of that place, it is an awful place to be. If you don't want a divorce, then by all means do not file but may I make a suggestion and really focus on working on your self and your inner strength this does not mean neglecting your husband but this means being a strong women and not being needy...easier said than done, trust me I am cognizant of this fact. I have no good answer for you because quite frankly there is no good answer, all I can offer you is understanding and send you positive and strengthening vibes your way.
  • ginny1214
    ginny1214 Posts: 338
    Thanks for all the replies. Yes there were underlying problems, I guess it all started when I had our first child, started fighting after that alot, it would get good bad good bad. He says I'm negative, he didn't want to be around me bc I acted like a b**** he would call me lazy, say i acted pathetic. Everything in the book, like you cannot tell him he has done anything wrong. I mean our fights used to be about how I never got the time. We only had one car and he would run off to do his thing leaving me and our kids home constantly.

    As far as the cheating now he says it wasn't sexual however I beg to differ because he sent her lude pictures from his phone. He still won't admit what really happened. After that he starts talking to other girls, on Facebook, then one on the phone at all hours of the night, during the day, and said she was just a friend. I guess I really have my own answer, I mean I know I deserve more, it's just so hard to move on.
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