Once the trust is broken

I know this is REALLY hard for you. And I am SO sorry you're going through this. So, first of all: ::huggz::

Now...to business: Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Get you some good love, sweetie. ♥

Why would anyone stay with a cheater? Don't belittle yourself or choose that for yourself. You deserve so much better.

Personally, the trust never came back and the fact there was unfaithfulness will always be an issue in the relationship. Resentments about that never die and everytime there is a big arguement it gets brought up. It will always be in the back of your mind. Once someone cheats and you forgive them, it seems like a green light goes off in their mind that you just forgave them for doing the unthinkable, so why not cheat again?

This is hard and no one deserves to be cheated on...but it's best to move on...

He has never said he wants our marriage to work, just strings me along basically.

Don't get me wrong. Hve done my fair share in our relationship unraveling but it's both of us and he refuses to see it. He even texted me when I first got here that I should kow it was my fault our marriage didn't work. It's hard, and I know I deserve something better, but it's so hard to move on.

If he can't even accept any responsibility? I so much hate you have to go through this.
It takes two to fall in love, and it takes two to hurt that foundation.

It is so strong for him to string you along.

you're more than welcome to friend me, I've made it out of bad stuff and am always happy to help.

I've been there. It's a very long road to recovery. Don't jump into a divorce. That doesn't make anything better. Just be patient. I have to say this though... If it weren't for the Grace of God I wouldn't have survived it. It's devastating and my heart breaks for you. My best suggestion for you would be to get before God. Only He can mend your heart. You have to heal but I am here to tell you that THERE IS HEALING. I wish I could tell you that if you do "this and this" things will work out. I don't know what will happen. If there's not a change in your husbands heart and a repentance, you'll encounter this again and again. Just sit and be still. It's so soon afterwards - you take care of you. If he can't do that for you, then you concentrate on YOU. Be patient and pray. I feel so bad for you I want to cry! It's a terrible thing to have to endure. Good Luck Sweetie. Friend me if you'd like.

I agree entirely! don't jump into anything like divorce just yet. I worked for a family (i'm a nanny) and the Husband cheated on his wife while she was prego with there set of twins. He said he didn't love her anymore or want to be married to her anymore. They ended up separated for around 9months and while they were separated she worked on herself, (because he blamed her for his cheating) went to personal counseling a woman's support group and told him that she was working on herself to make there marriage better because she stilled loved him, after seeing everything she was doing he started going to counseling on his own and getting help, he realized that the real reason why he cheated was b/c of him and not her and he used her as an excuse, they both started going to counseling together and eventually he moved back into the house (but separate rooms) long story short, there back together after 2yrs of hard work and they renewed there marriage vows after 3yrs.
Trust isn't something you can fix immediately, but with a lot of work it can be done, especially when he see's your working on forgiving him and see's how much you still love him. Just give it time. Don't jump the gun on divorce. As for the friend.....tell her you forgive her and then It's time to move on and find a new friend, Don't have any contact with her again (if at all possible) It helps to forgive her as part of you being able to completely move on with you and your husband. Good Luck, I hope everything works out for you.

It is hard and I totally feel for you.

I've been married twice. The first time, I left and filed for divorce because of his infidelity. The second time, when the subject came up, I stayed. I can't say it has been easy. It takes time, energy, and would probably been easier if I had gone to counseling.

The biggest difference? My ex-husband tried to blame me. My husband apologized like crazy (and it helped that I caught it right before it turned from emotional to physical). It still hurts 6 years later. Even just typing this out makes me want to go hide and bawl my eyes out over the things he said to her. Some months are great and some days I am a mess. It's a healing process, still.

My husband is completely different from yours though. Your husband seems to be out playing the field as if he were single and is blaming you because you moved away. Honey, you know things aren't right and you knew it when you left. He's trying to punish you for leaving him. In my opinion, you won't be able to salvage this situation. Get your head up, get you and your kids through this, and flip him the bird. He calls you a *****? Well, own it. Be a ***** who can take care of her own business and doesn't need a no-good POS holding her back, calling her lazy and pathetic and sleeping with random women.

The best revenge really is living well. If you can get through the first few weeks, it gets easier. Focus on your job, your kids, your family, trying to get out with your girlfriends to have some fun and leave trash in the dirt where it belongs. He will either see that he misses you (unlikely) or he'll be even more pissed when you prove you aren't lazy or pathetic and trust me - its awesome to be able to laugh at them for making stupid choices when they could have had you.

you said it yourself "he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change".

ummm...what more do you need?.......... AND he has no remorse.

I am sorry that this has happened to you.
I hope I never have to find out for sure, but I don't think I could continue in the marriage. For me, the big things that stick out, he wants you to change, he's not sorry for what he did.....

I am thinking some therapy for you would not be a bad idea.

good luck and remember to take care of yourself!

Basically this is how I feel; I want to tell him if he doesn't buck up and act like a man and tAke responsibility for his actions and do the right thing and try to make things work, someone else is going to to step in and raise his kids eventually. Like I'm not trying to be harsh, but he is living with his alcoholic mom and dad now for the time being and there is no way that he will fit me for custody ESP if I join the air force.

I'm not trying to be harsh here but he has already told you how he feels. A wise person would listen to what they are told (especially when the actions go along with them).

BTW - you might want to have another look into the Air Force thing. If it is anything like the other military branches, he wont have to fight to get the kids. You have to go to boot camp. He's the father. He has rights too. You won't be able to leave them with your parents or whoever if he wants them.

Honey, my marriage was a lie from the time we got married. Been together since 2001, and now in 2011...we're ready to split. He used the excuse that I changed once I lost weight. I did...but I also wasn't a doormat anymore. He's the only thing I know, but I'd rather be lonely (and honestly fear of lonliness was what kept me from divorcing him) than be his wife while he has a girlfriend. It can't EVER be replaced. EVER.

How can my experience help you...spread your wings, fly. It's harder if you have kids (we have three), but I know I'm going to be okay. Right now our marriage is just legally together. It was over a long time ago as far as I'm concerned.

Move on. You can do it.

I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).

Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.

She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.

Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?

You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.

I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.

Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.

It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.

I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.

how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.

I guess I'm not sure what you want people to say.. if your question is can a marriage over come an affair the answer is yes, if both people are willing to work and want it to work. But it sounds like your soon to be ex doesn't want to work it out at all and that is beyond your control.. one thing I've learned in life is you have no control over the actions of others and you have to accept that and understand that you can only control how you react to this awful situation. If you step back and look at things you probably had some problems before this happened and he choose this, he could have brought his unhappiness to your attention and suggested that you seek some counseling or work on your marriage but he didn't he choose to have an affair. So as hard as it is you probably need to look to your future and move on find something you can learn from this and take it with you. Maybe seeing a counselor would help since you feel hopeless, which is normal by the way. You know that this is both your fault and that he's just trying to not take responsibility for his actions and choices. I hope that you will move on and be happy once again. Right now it's time to focus on you and what you want out of your life. Good Luck

I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).

Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.

She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.

Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?

You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.

I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.

Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.

It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.

I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.

I think your input is logical and somewhat helpful, the only problem here is; the husband you speak of showed remorse and took actions to make his wife feel like he was invested in the relationship and wanted it to work out. I am glad for them, that it did. The problem Ginney is having is her husband, hasn't appologized, hasn't offered to work it out, and is still acting in a way that shows he is not in it for the long haul.

Honestly.... do you think that telling her there's a good chance she's the reason her husband banged someone else is beneficial? Be serious. She didn't ask "Why do you think he cheated?" Yet, the only relevant part of your post to what she asked was at the bottom.

Do I think giving her the advice that she might be the reason her husband cheated is beneficial? You bet...IF she's actually the reason. And...If she doesn't know for sure...how the hell are you or I going to tell her...from cyberspace??? Her husband sounds like an *kitten* to me...but again, I only have her side. How can I be the judge?

Your story just highlights what little respect your friend's dad had for his wife. If he needed some trim that badly, he should have told her flat out "I need it. I'm going to get it." Or he should have left her if he was so unhappy.

Unfortunately, those aren't always the only two options. Circumstances have a large impact on decisions. He needed more than 'trim'. He needed attention, affection, and validation. 'Trim' was just one expression of it. Why do women always think men cheating is about sex? When a GOOD man (there's such a thing as a good man who has cheated btw) cheats...it has NOTHING to do with the sex. A good man also won't abandon his family to sate his own needs...which is exactly what the hell leaving them is. So it's a catch 22. Either way he's damned...so he spends months fighting it, eventually gives in, regrets it...then spends however long fixing it. That's a hell of a lot different than 'needing some trim' and telling her 'I need it. I'm going to get it'.

You have no idea what goes on in someone's psyche or what's going on emotionally for them. What you're telling this woman, whom you have never met, whose husband blames her for his infidelity is that he's right. She should feel guilty. That's not cool, man. Not even a little bit.

Neither do you hun...and you just explained why none of us should be responding in any way, shape, or form to relationship advice requests online. And for the record, I didn't tell her he's right. I gave a story that sheds doubt on all the pitchfork wielding lynch mob types that usually post in these threads. As I said above...if she isn't certain he's not right, and even if she is...she owes it to her marriage to look a little deeper than a bunch of idiots (myself included) online.

You are a guy, but you are not ALL guys. So don't speak for everyone else, unless you want to store this one in your memory banks. I had amazing, mind-blowing sex with my ex EVERY SINGLE DAY we were together. Our sex life and our relationship was ideal to both of us, and the people around us could tell. So what was it that *I* did that MADE my poor ex want to cheat on me? Oh, right - I wasn't a 25 year-old child-free girl with no responsibilities. And my ex, unfortunately missed those years of his life and didn't want but NEEDED to have those years at the tender age of 43.

I am a guy, and I am not all guys. I was also speaking for myself, and one scenario I've experienced. Your ex hun, sounds like a real winner. Do I think you deserved better...based off your story, you bet! Would I do what you've described? HELL no. I don't like most guys...and I respect even fewer. I think society in general has deteriorated to a level that's just disgusting. The way married couples treat each other in general is deplorable. But again...neither you or I have the ability to judge their relationship based off of one side of a story...given in the few minutes it took to initiate the thread. These things can take years to work out, with counselling....yet people expect answers by posting a question on a fitness forum.

it doesn't work.

Next thing you know you'll be blaming rape victims for jogging at night.

Oh...come on...you know better than that. I gave one example of an opposing scenario...to which you've pretty much exploded...which is fine...I kind of expected it. But to this, I want to say again that I made this point, not so much for the OP, as for EVERYONE ELSE who I knew for a fact was going to tell her 'leave the jerk!!". There's more than one side to this story...and while I may lean towards the side of the OP (I do, in fact), the fact is...it could be complete rubbish. This is the INTERNET hun, and I hate to break it to you (you of all people...because most times, we agree to the letter)...but not every story put up on a forum is truthful, or even accurate. I'm 100% sure she's telling her side as she sees it...and she may be even telling it clearly, without bias...but that is far, far from the norm in these situations.

The only good internet advice for relationships is 'go see a freaking counsellor who can talk to both of you'...because anything else said, has every opportunity to ruin a relationship...and if there's kids, a family. I know this, because this is what MY ex used to do for sympathy...and to gear herself up for her next stupid move. Only she'd usually flat out lie, which I don't believe is the case here.

So again, to clarify...I told this story, first as an opposing yet still accurate viewpoint...as well as to counter the flood of 'he's an *kitten*...leave him...AFTER you tie him to the bed and light the house on fire!!" posts.

I think your input is logical and somewhat helpful, the only problem here is; the husband you speak of showed remorse and took actions to make his wife feel like he was invested in the relationship and wanted it to work out. I am glad for them, that it did. The problem Ginney is having is her husband, hasn't appologized, hasn't offered to work it out, and is still acting in a way that shows he is not in it for the long haul.

You're right...I agree, my friend's Dad DID show remorse, and did take those actions. Honestly, I feel the guy was better off divorced...but he did the right thing for his kids, and his family...which is what I'd have done as well, and is just one of the reasons I respect him.

The only fair advice we can give Ginney, is to talk to unbiased people who have both sides available. Asking for relationship advice on the internet is a serious game of Russian Roulette...only most times, every chamber is loaded. We cannot take the responsibility of giving her advice with only her side (which again, I not only believe...but instinctively support. It seems I have to clarify this so I don't get e-jumped) to go off of...don't you agree?

Thanks ladies. There has been so much, I mean I moved to another state with our two kids to take a break for 6 months. Well I was here for a week and we fight and he tells me he is filing for a divorce, so ok we talked off and on for a few weeks like three weeks, then all of a sudden he starts calling me everyday for 10 days acting like he has a fresher attitude, the whole 9 yards, and a few days ago I ask him where we stood and he tells me"to be honest were probably not getting back together" which was like what totally not the vibe I was given. So then this morning I get an email saying sprint family locator was activated again and sent me n email of my location as well as his, and he (early in the am) is all the way on the other side of town, so naturally I don't trust him, I text him where he was and he needs to delete that feature of our account. So he gets snippy with me saying were not together he doesn't have to tell me where he is or who he is with, and that I haven't changed and I'm e same person I was, and that if he had any inkling of trying to make it work again over the past few weeks it's been smshed now.

I just feel so hopeless, how can I love someone who obviously doesn't love me or care for me back. And it's like so I have to suffer the consequences of HIS actions

He made a mistake but you admit it is not totally his fault, why? And you moved to another State with your kids to "take a break"?

Infidelity is terrible and very painful to go through, but running away doesn't help anything. It takes two people making an effort to make a relationship work, not two people NOT trying to make a relationship work. I would ask you to be the bigger person for at least a certain period of time for your kids sake, you can't force someone to want you but if you don't at least put in some effort it doesn't sound like your husband is in the mood to do so either.

I'm not defending your husbands actions, I just feel that too many people today seek divorce as a solution rather than putting in the effort at least for the sake of their kids. If you swallow your pride and make a serious effort in your relationship for a decent period of time and he doesn't change, well at least your know YOU tried.