How Can You Convince Your Spouse/Friend/Relative/Child To Get In Shape?
MikeT4853
Posts: 2 Member
The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.
How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.
Share your success stories if you have done this before!
BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.
Share your success stories if you have done this before!
BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
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Replies
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You can't. They have to want to make the change for themselves.41
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You can't and if you try and force any change onto them if they are not ready for it they could easily resent you for it. You have to keep doing you while letting them do them. Just lead by example.20
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You can't.
But in my mother's case, she set an example and lost quite a bit of weight before having weight loss surgery. She never said a word to me after that about the elephant in the room (that would have been me...)
However... it was watching what she went through after surgery and realising that I was heavier than she was when she had it done (we were both morbidly obese) that convinced me that I never wanted to go through that. And that if I didn't take action then it was very likely I was going to wind up with co-morbidities and somewhere I didn't want to be because of obesity. I also realised that weight loss wasn't impossible because she had lost a lot before her surgery... basically she led by example and I was smart enough to catch on.
Fast forward a few years and between us we had lost around 300 lbs. At one point I had lost more than my mother.
In turn, I set an example for my kids and anyone else in my life. My weight still fluctuates, but I am active and eat healthy because I don't want to die of obesity related disease. But I will not and do not preach or shove this down anyone's throat, no matter how they complain to me. I'll help people with exercise if they ask me (I'm a qualified Personal Trainer) but there are legitimately people that are no longer in my life because of how they treated me when I was obese.
In short, you do you and don't be a dick.28 -
You can’t. But you can give them info when they show any interest. That’s all you can do until they want to change.8
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As others have said, you can't. People address their health, weight, and fitness when, how, and IF they decide they want to and sometimes they just don't want to. Or they want to, but not as much as they crave that next pizza.9
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The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.
How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.
Share your success stories if you have done this before!
BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
Sounds like a homework question
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When my ex and I met, I was 135lbs and went to the gym fairly regularly.
I have an eating disorder and also around that time things were starting to fall apart for me trying to control keeping my weight off.
Mentally my mind had shifted, the girl who used to eat right and go to the gym and run 5k followed by 30 min of elliptical and 30 min of the stair climbing machine (I'm sure it has a name) was exhausted and not physically either, my brain was screaming at me, constantly, I tried to keep going to the gym, but I'd end up sometimes not going. Knowing my food habits were also slipping, it was like a fire alarm going off in my head and the first few times my ex would just go to the gym and not say anything, but the more I struggled mentally, the more he started saying things.
"You worked so hard, why are you just giving up" "you lost all that weight and now you're just quitting" "I knew you were going to get fat again"
In his view, he honestly thought the things he was saying were going to motivate me and push me, or snap me out of it, but his words only ended up making me feel bad and self conscious. Because he kept trying to make me go and saying things, I became more uncomfortable around him. All I felt was that he was judging me. He couldn't just see that I was struggling so hard with this. I didnt want it but it was like drowning in quicksand alone in the desert.
To him it was just so easy, just do it. The mental aspect of it wasnt even a consideration. He does it, why cant I? And there would be times i would just sit and cry because i knew what was happening, and that just prompted even less support from him, to him i was just being a big baby, if it upsets me, then fix it. I'd complain about it constantly and yet still couldnt do what i longed so badly to do, how can the brain be so opposite? Where I want something more then anything and yet also be a ball and chain at my ankle.
Hearing him go on and on about his fitness became something that started annoying me, I mean, he wasnt achieving anything new for me to be proud of, he was just telling me how many minutes he spent on each machine. Why couldnt he just go and do his thing and then carry on? Why did he have to constantly bring it up?
I'm sure he just repeated on about it because he probably had nothing else to talk about... after being broken up from him 3 years now, I've come to realize he is just an incredibly boring human who even when I bump into him, only talks about the gym and girls, same as before. But at the time, I didnt know that and his constant jabbering felt like bragging and demotivated me even more.
Then finally one day I was able to mentally push myself to try and lose some weight i had gained. I asked him to be supportive, told him what my plan was, what i needed, and unfortunately he couldnt be bothered, whatever my plans were, they didnt fit into his ideals of what healthy was and so it was met with judgement and the feelings of i wasnt doing enough.
In his mind, all one has to do is go to the gym. If you dont, you're lazy, your fat, the gym fixes all.
I went out and bought all i needed to help me stay within calories and he ate it and refused to replace it because he didnt wanna spend that much on food. He would rather buy high calorie things that didnt cost much.
Eventually i ended up caving in and went back to my mental hole. I remember one night trying to explain to him how his actions weren't supportive and that what i really needed from him is patience and understanding and then when *I* was ready, to be supportive in what i need to do that. I tried to explain how I'm struggling with my eating disorder and it makes it hard to keep going sometimes, I need him to just be there and listen and he said "if you dont want to eat, then dont, it's that simple" ... completely disregarding my mental struggle once again.
Later on he would claim it was out of concern for my health, but sometimes expressed concerns, even if you plan them so carefully and delicately, may not be recieved well. He obviously wasnt very good at being delicate, but his inability to understand my mental aspect of it only left me feeling alone.
If you have already had a conversation about your concerns, then they know how you feel, now they have to be the ones to pull themselves out of that quicksand and they just need to know that you love them despite that and always will.
And when they're ready to start, support their choices and if they ask for help, then offer suggestions, but dont control their path right from the start, by telling them exactly what they need to do, because while they may be ready to start, they might not be ready to take everything on right away.
Be patient. Dont take their failures or the fact that their not starting yet as a sign that they dont care about themselves... it's a hard battle they're fighting.18 -
You can only do you.
You can’t make anyone else do what you feel they should do. They have to want it for themselves. Maybe your example will lead them to change. Repeated suggestions may lead to resentment Accept things you have no control over changing.6 -
You can't and considering you can't even imagine what it is like to live a different way you should definitely not try nor should you offer to coach/mentor/advise them if they decide to try.
It would be very important that they understand that health improvement does not require bodybuilding or even any gym equipment at all. If they see you as an example of what they need to do they may easily decide they do not want it or want to commit that much.14 -
You can set an example - which they may to choose to follow or not.
You can encourage - which they might see as backhanded criticism, nagging or might think is thoughtful and caring.
You can support - but that support might be doing something that you don't regard as useful/helpful/the one true way...
You can show concern - but that might be accepted as genuine concern or seen as hectoring.
You can try and walk a mile in their shoes to gain some empathy - but you might just find your feet hurt.
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You can't. Hell, there are times when you can't even convince yourself. When I was morbidly obese most comments would fall on deaf ears. I wasn't stupid, I knew obesity and inactivity are a health risk and didn't need to be told that. It's extremely rare to see people who decide to change a harmful habit (and succeeds) because someone said something. Even if they do listen, if they aren't ready it won't last.
Sometimes I would watch my very active sister enjoying her activities and think "what if this could be me"? That was about the only thing that kinda sorta made it through to me, but even that wasn't enough. I needed to be at a certain point and mindset to start doing something about it.
What personally got me started was getting worrying blood sugar results and made me think "that's it, I need to do something about it", and I did. For some people even that isn't enough.8 -
It's hard to passively watch someone make unhealthy choices, but there is very little you can do to stop them. You can't make somebody want to work out and lose weight. You can invite them to go for a walk, a hike, a bike ride. You can be extremely patient if they are slow or awkward at doing these. You can take them dancing or invite them to a class at the gym. You can fix healthy meals when it's your turn to cook. You can refrain from bringing fattening foods home. You can be an example of active healthy living. You can't talk them into changing their lifestyle to suit you. That only comes across as criticism, which tends to backfire. You can listen and try to understand their issues if they bring them up.9
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As others have said, you really can't, but you can be a good example, encourage if they show interest, and answer questions. You can also volunteer to do some of the cooking, if you don't already, and cook tasty food in a a lower cal way that is not specifically diet food. My dad has always been interested in physical activity and a healthy weight, but he's thinner now and eats much better now simply because his wife loves to cook and cooks very healthy (but incredibly delicious) meals that made him appreciate plenty of foods I think he didn't so much before (he eats far more veg now, whereas before I think he ate veg mostly out of obligation).BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
I've done physical activity of a variety of sorts off and on always. I would run for a period of time and then stop. I used to bike a lot and then stopped when I moved to Chicago (many years ago, at age 24) since at first I was afraid to bike on the streets here. I now run and bike as my primary cardio, although I still don't bike all year round.
When I decided to get back into shape I had been inactive, so just decided to get active again. Part of that was because I'd decided to lose weight and knew it would be helpful for that, and part of it was I found losing weight easier to think about as part of a "I will be as healthy as I can" way. One reason I got motivated to lose was a bad photo of myself, and another was having a friend who lost a bunch of weight, which triggered the "oh, it's possible" switch in my brain.
I find having either friends who also do these activities (I got over my biking fear by biking with friends initially) or goals (like wanting to train for a race) to be helpful for me to get into these activities. I also knew my sister did some weight-based workouts, so originally I asked her.
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Oh, and speaking from personal experience, people who are overweight often want to lose, know they should lose, and certainly know it's not healthy to be overweight. But getting nagged or talked to about it from a loved one will very often not be taken as "I am concerned about your health" but "I don't think you are attractive" or "I am embarrassed by your weight." I'm sure there are exceptions, but I suspect it's rare that people genuinely don't realize they need to lose weight or that weight affects health.
I do think many overweight people feel like they CAN'T lose weight, so answering questions in a way that makes it seem simple can be helpful, and I also think many are afraid they would have to sacrifice things they don't want too which is why I think stressing that you can do physical activity that you already find somewhat fun (or might) and don't need to do something that seems miserable, and similarly that you don't have to eat some super restrictive diet, but can figure out a way to eat you enjoy that works. But that is in the responses once they are at a place where they are showing interest and asking questions. You also might want to think about whether you are modeling an approach that seems like something they wouldn't find appealing as the correct way -- I have no reason to think you are, but I have seen this happen. For example, if the person dislikes the gym but likes walking, suggesting walks and then talking about stuff on the walk, so it doesn't seem like "exercise" might be an option. Plus, most gyms are closed now anyway, and everyone is likely bored of being in the house!6 -
I got through this EVERY YEAR. In January, I get "I really want to get in shape" people. A week later, they aren't there anymore. Why? Because you cannot CONVINCE people by what you say, do, look like, etc., for them to make the same commitment. THEY HAVE TO DO IT ON THEIR OWN. Till that happens, you'll just hear the same complaints.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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A man or woman convinced against their will are of the same opinion still. You can hurt someone's feelings trying to do this or really turn them off. Lead by example. If they're really interested they'll ask you about it. Until then, it's a leaverite. Leave it all right there.5
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You look pretty youthful in your profile image, and maybe have not been on the receiving end of advice such as you are considering to give a loved one.
Worry about your self, and be willing to share if you are asked. I'm pretty sure you won't find a "good" way to open that subject with anyone, loved or not.The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.
How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.
Share your success stories if you have done this before!
BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
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You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
Working on my disagree button.2 -
Kriscandothis.
So very sorry that you had to go through that2 -
The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.
How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.
Share your success stories if you have done this before!
BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
You can't convince anyone to do anything they don't want to do. That has to be a desire on their part. Also, someone could have a different fitness interest than body building. I'm pretty fit...I have zero interest in body building and the gym really isn't my thing for the most part...so you could never convince me to get into bodybuilding or spend hours in a gym anymore than I could likely convince you to spend several hours on a bike riding a 1/2 century on a weekend just because.
All you can really do is be a positive influence. When I got back into exercise and fitness, my wife wasn't really into it...but over the months watching me and seeing the positive changes, she did. We're into different things though...so it doesn't have to be just what you're interested in. My wife is a runner...I hate running...we do our own things fitness wise.6 -
The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.
How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.
Share your success stories if you have done this before!
BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
You can't and the more you try to change them the harder you make it for them to come to that place by themselves, and that is the only way it will work.3 -
You can't and the more you try to change them the harder you make it for them to come to that place by themselves, and that is the only way it will work.
This. If you are insisting on "helping" when they don't want to be helped by you, you are probably hurting them, their chances of getting healthy and your relationship with them.
If you truly deeply care about them, you meet them where they are (psychologically speaking, not in terms of becoming less active yourself...) so that they can move forward from there in their own time and way.
It is also OK to realise you cannot live with a state of affairs that may be toxic for both of you, with this person. It is OK to frame it as you not wanting to be in a relationship with someone like that. But trying to change someone and convincing yourself it's "for their own good" rarely works.3 -
In my opinion, you have a better chance of convincing a drug addict to give up drugs than you have of convincing most people to radically change their relationship to food.
But if they're open to advice, I think it's a good idea to break it down into manageable chunks rather than forcing it all on them at once.
After all, weight loss and fitness comprises a large set of mini-skills. Just showing someone how you log your food intake -- even if they don't collect their own data (yet) -- is a step in the right direction. Explaining how and why you avoid trigger foods may give them some ideas. Demonstrating how calorie-dense some foods are as compared to others. And so forth...
Rome wasn't built in a day and I suppose we've all had plenty of mis-steps before we learned how to apply all the weightloss/fitness tactics that led to some degree of success. It's unrealistic to expect others to immediately do everything correctly. Even one step in the right direction is laudable.
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You're not going to change an adult that doesn't want to change.
Your child (especially a younger child) on the other hand is a different story. It's your responsibility to make sure they are making good decisions. Limiting nutrient poor foods, reasonable limits on sedentary activities, and the biggest part, you as the parent setting a good example.2 -
I'm sure they are already trying... The question is how can I be supportive1
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BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?
2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?
Main question - everyone else has already said what I would.
Bonus question 1 - weight crept on over the years until I became obese. Not morbidly, but obese all the same. I always hated exercise, from school on, and was the one always picked last for any team. I have been going to a gym regularly for 15 years, but I fondly imagined that doing a 20 minute stroll on a treadmill was doing me some good. In 2016 I hired a personal trainer to learn how to use weights. Purely to stave off osteoporosis as I got older. I expected to hate it. I loved it. My trainer was forbidden to discuss my weight, but I started losing some anyway and then actively tried to lose more so I could enjoy my exercise more. Then I discovered boxing and have never looked back. My exercise time is sacrosanct and nothing gets in the way.
Bonus question 2 - my husband is morbidly obese. He has bad knees and his recent medical exam threw up some red flags. This inspired him to try to do something about his weight and he is doing OK but finds it tough. He and I have both always understood the health risks of being overweight and have made an active choice to be how we are. Now that I have got in shape and enjoy fitness he is asking me about diet and exercise and I am encouraging him but never forcing or nagging.
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Caution: More random disagreeable thoughts below.
Designing for Psychological Change: Individuals’ Reward and Cost Valuations in Weight Management
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4090383/
The primary obstacles to weight management were the rewards associated with unhealthy choices, such as the pleasures of unhealthy foods and unrestricted consumption in social situations, and the significant efforts required to change habits, plan, and exercise. Psychological constructs that supported positive weight management included feeling good after making healthy choices, being good to oneself, experiencing healthy yet still delicious foods, and receiving social support and encouraging messages (although opinions about encouraging messages was mixed).
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People aren't 100% rational. Most people didn't intentionally choose to gain weight, it just happened... and it likely happened by their personal reward/cost motivators which developed habits which developed neural pathways that make it easier for them to achieve their rewards and avoid their costs. Some common rewards that wire people for weight gain might be the pleasure of food, relaxation, comfort...
At the point where a brain is hard wired for an activity you really have to ask how much if any true choice actually exists. That might be why some people can desire change but it can be very hard to change. But change is possible, you just have to change the brain by appealing to its reward/cost center.
On a side topic...
If people don't rationally choose to gain weight, they also don't have to rationally choose to lose weight. Theories like decision, design, string, game, etc. often show that people can lose weight or change unintentionally by "hacking" their surroundings. An easy example of this is how the layout of grocery stores impact buying behaviors or the placement of food in a buffet line.
I think all you said above is basically just an umbrella of potential human behaviors. The thing this umbrella lacks is the human being behind the behaviors.
Just because someone might be wired to feel comfort or reward or some pleasure feeling or emotion, doesnt mean that those feelings are just like that because when they were younger no one rewarded them for playing tag in the back yard instead of watching tv and eating a snack.
Someone might be wired to to feel comfort that way because maybe they were sexually assaulted. Maybe they were abused growing up by their parents. Maybe they lost someone in their life and that loss had such a dramatic impact that their mind just couldnt process it and needed to shut it down.
Or maybe that person has a mental illness or eating disorder, and cant get help, or feels asking for help is a sign of weakness. Maybe they did try and get help but everyone they asked for help from let them down.
Trust me.. when there is human emotion behind your umbrella behaviors, they stop being a dog you can train and teach new tricks to and they become something more complex.
No amount of reward for the 165 pounds that I lost ever made a difference in the over all mental state I was struggling with, it didnt make any of the work I put in stick, and I gained my weight back. Eating wasnt something I congratulated myself on either, I hated myself. There was no real reward there. Just no self esteem or love for myself.
People are very much aware of their eating.
To say that the weight we put on is beyond our own decision as an individual I think that's flawed. Even with having an eating disorder, a brain that's sole existence has a desire to do nothing but consume, I still have to play a part in that. I may need the aid of therapy and medication but I cant just sit back and expect the car to park itself.
I have to choose what I wanna do. When my medication wears off at the end of the evening and I am left to my own devices, regardless on if i feel reward for staying under calorie goal and working out today, I'm still stuck at the end of the night with the decision to eat or not and that choice is not an unconscious choice if I decide to.
If someone in my life started treating my disorder the same way you would teach a dog to sit, I would be pretty pissed
The same as if I was someone going through an emotional wound like sexual assault or abuse.
That's why I said in my.previous post. People need people to just be there and know that when they are ready to lose, they will be there to support their choice.
Just like my meds and my psychiatrist are those supports to me... but he and the pills cant help me unless /I/ want that help. And no treat on my nose at the end of the day for staying under 1800 calories is going to change that.3
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